Ryan Kuhn: A Day in the Life

Hello, fools, my name is Ryan Kuhn. I’ve narrated such gems as ‘Little People’, ‘Everybody’s Fool’ and ‘All American’. At any rate, you all seem to think it is so very easy to be me. Well here’s a mind fuck: IT’S NOT. Okay, first thing you need to understand: After we left Cyrus’ hell hole of a house, we had no place to go, so we moved into Dana’s family’s old house, which was abandoned. We fixed it up, Horace fixed the old cars, and Royce ‘supervised’ (a word which in his language apparently means ‘whined endlessly that Horace was doing it wrong.’ Anyway, I helped Dana redecorate, but did she appreciate it? No. She whined that splashing blood on her walls and adding bars to the windows made the house feel less like home, shows how much she knows.

Next thing to do was divide up who would sleep where. Naturally, Dana gave herself and the other girls the biggest room, leaving us men to divide amongst ourselves. Two of us would have to share. Needless to say nobody told me or Horace that putting a finger on your nose means ‘not it’. So Horace and I had to share a room. He wanted the top bunk of the pathetic excuse for a bed. I would try and make the room more likeable, but my efforts went unnoticed and unappreciated. Horace would just throw his clothes and items any old place and ruin the organization I’d worked so hard to create.

Dana had no good books either, her wretched sister had many stupid picture books which were read the wrong way and had moronic exaggerated features and unpronounceable names. Her parents had a lot of nonsense about feeling good about oneself and Dana’s room was full of idiotic romances about vampires and some nonsense like that. Aside from that, she had a device I had since named ‘the intellect drainer’ which everyone was interested in except for George, Isabella and I. We busied ourselves in our endless search for intelligent reading material. Eventually, I came upon this device on which I am essentially penning this story. It is called a laptop and it has the word ‘Dell’ written across it. There are keys across it like a typewriter, but it one makes a mistake, there is a button which reads ‘Backspace’ which will make the mistake disappear. It runs out of power eventually, so one must attach it to an electrical socket until it will revive itself. I am amused by this machine very much; it shows me many things that were unavailable to me in my life time, such as music, shows, images and texts which I otherwise never could have known. There is also a device which you can press and download. It asks you to present an alias and a code with which you may enter a conversation with someone all the way across the world. It is called Aim, which I take to mean ‘Aim a rifle at these idiots who cannot spell worth a shit’. There is another called MSN, which could mean nothing more than ‘mitigating stupid nonsense’ for that is what many people spout and I am left to try and lessen the idiocy. Another is Yahoo, I still haven’t figured out what that is meant to apply to. You can also have a ‘virtual’ letterbox known as ‘E-mail’ where you get pretty much the same you’d get in a regular mailbox; useless junk.

There are many stupid shows to watch on this ‘Internet’ such as one where cavemen wear clothing and complain about some sort of gecko owned corporation saying they are stupid and lack sophistication. There is a game too on this amazing device. It is called ‘World of Warcraft’ and in it, I am a three dimensional version of myself with strange ears and extended eyebrows. I am given weapons and clothing and an animal companion and sent out into the world to defeat and destroy other people playing this game all over the planet. Many people on this game are stupid, but some are marvelous actors who portray their characters impeccably. I have created an organization for such people, which is called a guild. I forgot what I called it because I don’t play every day and have many more important things to do. Horace also plays this game and from what I can tell, his persona on this game is a massive cow which walks on two legs and has a braided beard. He follows me around like a lost puppy and guards me when I kill other creatures.

Outside of this internet world, however, no one appreciates me. I am given trouble about everything I do, it’s always ‘Ryan, stop torturing that mail man’ or ‘Ryan, don’t kick that child’ or ‘Ryan, stop bringing dead things into the house.’ They never appreciate my efforts to provide for everyone. So all in all, I am unappreciated except in this mysterious world of the internet where people cheer and tell me I am wonderful when I write silly little tales such as this and send them out into the world. People tell me things like “lol, u r soooo funnay, wil u be my bf?’ I suppose this is internet language for ‘Wonderful story, Ryan, please keep up the good work.’ When someone writes a dumb story, I understand I am to post things like ‘I herd u liek mudkips’ or ‘pool’s closed due to stingraids’ and such things, it is amusing to see how people react to these, I’ve seen one or two people write that these words make them cry and do you know what? It makes me laugh.

All in all, I am indifferent to this strange afterlife, but it could be worse. I could be Margaret Shelburne. People sometimes sit on her when she is sitting on the couch because they don’t see her. And aside from that, Dana makes sandwiches most of the time and they’re quite good. Also, Dana introduced me to the miracle of caffeine and other energy substances. I am quite fond of these energy drinks.