OK, I’ve decided to make a REAL end to Ask Aunt Emmett. This is like the third ending I know. So sue me. GOD!

Dear Aunt Emmett,

I thought you ended this a long time ago. Why the h e double hockey sticks do you keep coming back???

Love,

I hate you

Dear I hate you,

Wow! Somebody actually has feelings for me! TAKE THAT EDWARD! I like ending things just to keep people on their toes, like a lamp! Moo!

“Emmett Cullen?” asked a sexy…uh I mean not sexy… business man named Robert Pattinson. “You’re under arrest for having an advice column without a license!”

“Ohes Noes! Wait, but I’m the president! And when the president does it, it’s not illegal!”

“Stop stealing my lines!” said Richard Nixon. (a/n umm…if you don’t get it look up Frost/Nixon)

“I’ll see you in court!” said Robert Pattinson.

“Stop flirting with me!” I said.

Later that day…

“Why are you sitting on the couch? Shouldn’t you be getting a lawyer?” asked Bella.

“Shouldn’t you be getting a life?!” I said.

“True, but besides the point,” she replied. “Seriously, what are you going to do?”

“I’m going to do what all sexy 20 year old actors do in a time like this…DANCE!”

“Yeah, that’ll work,” she said.

“I know, right?”

At the court of law (dun dun dun!)…

“Mr. Cullen? Is your lawyer present?” asked the judge named Robert Pattinson.

“I am my own lawyer!” I said proudly.

“GASP!!!!!! PLOT TWSIT!!! MY EYES!!! THEY BURRRN!” said random guy number 18.

“They burn like your face!” yelled Bella.

“SILENCE IN DA COURT OF LAW!” yelled Robert Pattinson. “Anywhos, what’s your plea?”

“Please, sir may I have some more…JUSTICE?” I asked.

“Sure, if you tell us your plea.”

“Not guilty!” I said.

“Objection!” said Robert Pattinson.

“Yes?”asked Robert Pattinson.

“There’s proof of his advice column all over the net!”

“Butterfly nets?” I asked.

“No, internet! And in newspapers! And it was tattooed on my neck last week!”

“You must have a real long neck…” I said.

“My dad was a giraffe.”

“OMG your dad was a giraffe! No way that’s awesome!” said Robert Pattinson.

“That’s besides the point!” said Robert Pattinson, “The point is that Emmett Cullen is guilty of not having a license!”

“If I may speak for my client,” I said, “He says he’s really sorry and he’s too sexy to go to jail! I mean look at those abs!”

“Wow, those are some abs. But, you did something illegal, and you must be punished for it,” said Robert Pattinson.

“Aw, snapsicle!” I said.

“We, the Jury, named Robert Pattinson, find the defendant, Emmett Cullen…GUILTY!” said the Jury.

“OHES NOES!” I said.

“I sentence you to five years in a toaster. In addition, your advice column will be taken away,” said Robert Pattinson.

“GASP!” yelled the random people.

“But what about Jasper? He doesn’t have his license!” I said.

“Hey, I got my license a while ago! It only cost me 5 bucks,” said Jasper.

“Damn,” I said.

“Take him away boys!” said Robert Pattinson. Two armed guards grabbed me by my muscular arms, and hauled me away. I didn’t want to break free, because we were male bonding, and I can’t ruin a moment like that!

“So, are your names Robert Pattinson too?” I asked.

“No, I’m Kellan Lutz, and he’s Jackson Rathbone,” said one of the guards.

“Sweet. So where we going?”

“To your new home, the toaster.”

“Gasp!!” I said. We reached the toaster, where Kellan Lutz and Jackson Rathbone threw me inside. It’s scary in here. There are bad pieces of toast.

“I’m gonna cut ya. I’m gonna cut ya good,” said one of the pieces of toast.

“Wheee!” I said.

Well, there’s my life story. I guess it ends here, again. Yay!

-Emmett