|The Desire To Feel
Author: Just A Little Bit Dramatic PM
AU New Moon fic...Bella's desire to feel emotion pain turns to the need to feel physical pain...rated M for mature themes, and self harm...Edward's POV now added!Rated: Fiction M - English - Angst/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,651 - Reviews: 64 - Favs: 75 - Follows: 23 - Updated: 03-26-08 - Published: 10-29-07 - Status: Complete - id: 3862273
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
I decided to go ahead and write Edward's POV of this, because it was bugging me. It's him seeing the consequences of leaving Bella, and of what she did. So, yeah, hopefully it's okay.
Warning though, this may be disturbing to some readers. It contains mature themes not suitable to younger readers, meaning self harm. It does ignore the fact that Bella is bothered by blood. At that stage, she was too far into her comatose state to care.
I don't own Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, or Edward Cullen. Sob. You see why we dream at night, now? 'I'll be there soon, Edward…I'm going to bed in an hour.'
"And somehow, don't ask me how he did it, but Emmett forgot the ring. You can imagine Rosalie's horror when they said to present the rings, only to see Emmett's eyes widen. He swore – and not quietly. So now she refuses to let him assist in any of the planning, much to his horror." I laughed softly at the memory, watching the human before me.
Bella was giggling, a smile lighting up her face as she shook her head. Her long hair fell over her shoulder, the scent tempting me – I wouldn't take. Her brown eyes, pools of emotion, were bright with delight.
She leaned back, resting her palm on the bed beside her, when she hissed in air. The scent of sweet, beautiful blood began to drift through the air, and tensed as I watched her. She picked up a small, sharp pin from beside her, and glanced at her hand. A small amount of blood was gathering on her porcelain palm, and I felt my jaw tighten.
Bella looked at me, and I could read the panic in her eyes. "Oh, Edward…go…I'll be fine. I'll just go wash my hand…" She began to move, but my hand was on her shoulder before I even registered that I had moved.
I breathed in deeply, fighting through the lust for blood. "It's okay…I'm not bothered by that anymore, really." A blatant lie, in some ways. It still attracted me – I just didn't allow myself to even consider the possibility of drinking it. "Show me your hand."
Bella obediently turned her hand over, allowing me to examine the small pinprick. I gently gripped her hand, when a small welt on her wrist caught my attention. With my eyesight, I could just see the angry scar from under her sleeve. Concerned, I began to draw the material up. Her reaction stunned me.
She tried to recoil. "Edward, no…stop…Edward…please…" Realization hit me hard and fast, the force enough to make my head spin. Surely she didn't…she couldn't have…not my Bella…she couldn't do that to herself…
"Bella, show me your arm." Her eyes were wide as I shook my head, and she pressed her full lips together. "I'm looking with or without your consent, but I don't want to risk harming you. Bella, please, stay still."
She seemed to surrender, her body almost becoming limp as I carefully pushed up her sleeve. My breath hitched in my throat as I saw them. The rows and rows of scars, the angry pink lines, some raw and tender, some merely a scratch.
I ran my finger along the oldest one, fighting anger. "Bella…Bella, love…what did you do?" A sob escaped her lips, and then her tears began to fall, her shoulders trembling, her body shaking as she cried.
I was horrified…that she was crying…that she had done it…it was all my fault.
Bella shook her head, the ability to form words stolen from her as her cries became harder. My eyes continued to swap from her arm to her face, and I spoke almost quietly. "It was…when I left…did you…?" She let out another whimper, but she nodded slightly.
My whole body went numb, my worst fear confirmed. By leaving her, I had hurt her…and in doing so, caused her to hurt herself in the worst way possible.
Bella looked up through teary eyes. "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry, Edward…I…I didn't…I didn't think…I didn't know…" She drew her knees up to her chest, hugging them to her tightly.
My insides boiled, my vision threatening to go red with rage and disgust. Not at her, at myself. Guilt began to slice through me like a knife, and I stared at her arm in dumb shock. She looked so scared – afraid that I would leave her again.
I couldn't stop the words from slipping out. "You…you…you did that…my leaving was supposed to protect you…you promised you wouldn't do anything stupid!" I dug my fingers into my palm, strong enough to break a human's hand in two, not even enough force to break through my thick skin.
Bella hiccupped, still shaking. "I did it…I couldn't feel…there was no other choice…I broke the promise…I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She let her face fall into her palms, her breathing hysterically erratic. I let her sob for a few more minutes before waiting for her to look up. Finally her eyes met mine, swollen and red.
I was close to breaking point myself. "Never ever hurt yourself over something like me, Bella. There's always another choice, you hear me? Even if you reached out to God damned Mike Newton, never do that!" I lost my composure, my voice breaking into a sob. "Don't scare me like that. I couldn't lose you because of that. I couldn't, Bella. I couldn't."
Bella nodded slowly, her voice hoarse from crying. "I know this now, Edward, but at the time, I was dead to everything. I…I needed a way out. Something to let it all go…and I…" I was suddenly gripped by an overwhelming desire to stop her tears. Reaching forward, I touched her chin, and her eyes met mine again.
She hesitantly laid her head against my chest, wrapping her arms around my waist. I was reminded of how breakable she was as I let my arms encircle her loosely, and hated myself even more for making her so dependant on me. It was okay if I loved her. I could bear it. But she was so fragile…I couldn't let her break because of me.
Bella spoke again, surprising me. "I stopped a long time ago, Edward. I swear, I stopped. I don't know how…but I did. I wont do it again…I promise that, utterly and completely." I shook as I stroked her hair, fighting sobs. I could break down when she slept, I just needed to hold on.
You also promised not to hurt yourself…
I pulled her body even tighter against my own, needing her to be close to me. "I'll never give you a reason to, Bella. I promise you that." And I wouldn't. Because, even if being with her was dangerous…
…it was even more dangerous for me to leave.
Opinions? For Edward? Pretty please with a chocolate covered Cullen on top?
Just A Little Bit Dramatic