Author’s Note: Just to warn you, this chapter is full of angst. Even so, I promise this story will have a happy ending. Unfortunately, we’re not there yet. Don’t forget that you can check my profile page to see my progress with the next chapter. I should have it up pretty soon because it will probably be a shorter one. In addition, if you find any errors, please bring them to my attention so I can fix them. As it is, I am probably going to rework the ending of this chapter anyways.

Important Note: I normally like to respond to each review individually using the review reply feature so the person who reviewed knows I read it and I am taking their comments into consideration. However, if you find this uncomfortable or unnecessary just let me know. I know that this may sound silly to most of you but it has been brought to my attention that my responses could make people feel uncomfortable or pressured to review again. Hopefully, this is not the case for most of you. But if it is, just let me know and I won’t “hassle” you.

Shout-outs: To the people who reviewed multiple chapters: AnimePenguin (personally, I love long reviews so thank you), NEWandKIC, darkangel1910 (I agree completely), JenovaJuice97 (…hmm I think someone is onto my plans), stormtrooper1, Uchiha (I have to warn you that your compliments keep giving a bighead so watch out), WeaselNinja1206 (hmmm Matsumoto interference… I hadn’t really thought about it… oh possiblities!) hero (yeah, I always find it more interesting when the “other man” actually is a decent kind for a change)

To the people who are new to the story but still reviewed: Devatron2000, ScrewyLouie12 (sorry it took so long to update), Sakura Taichou (that’s what I love to hear!)

Chapter Four:
Secrets that Break

Over at Itsuki’s, Matsumoto grew worried. Shunsui had been downing one cup of sake after another and while that in itself wasn’t unusual, it was how he was doing it that set her on edge. He would chug the glass without smiling, without talking, and without any sign of stopping. After seeing Nanao out with another man, Matsumoto had expected him to be depressed, angry even, but instead of ranting and raving about unfairness of the situation, he turned inward and grew distant. The whole reason she had decided to take him to Itsuki’s was in the hopes that the alcohol would loosen him up and get him to talk, not so he could drown himself in sake.

“Shunsui,” she said placing a concerned hand on his arm. With a low grumble he shrugged off her hold. “Another,” he ordered to the barkeeper. The grey-haired man looked at her in concern but went to obey the order; Shunsui was a regular after all. Matsumoto shook her head and sighed.

“How long are you going to do this to yourself for?” she asked. “How long will you torture yourself?”

“What does it matter?” he grumbled, reaching for the bottle the barkeeper handed him.

“This isn’t going to make you feel any better in the end,” she told him quietly, for once taking the levelheaded approach.

He looked at her with blood-shot eyes and an expression so miserable that Matsumoto almost wanted to head back to the Three Cups and drag Nanao out by her hair. But two things prevented her from doing so: firstly, Nanao was her friend and secondly Shunsui, despite his anguish at seeing her with another man, would never wish for anything that would harm his Nanao-chan.

“I know,” he replied in a subdued tone, patting the hand that thirty seconds ago he threw off, “I know that but right now I would do anything – anything – to just have five minutes to myself in which I don’t feel a thing.”

Though his words were slurred and mumbled, Matsumoto understood perfectly. She had been there so many times after Gin left that she knew what he was talking about. She was no stranger to the feeling of such desperation that the idea of feeling numb, just for an hour or two, came as a blessing. She looked at the captain before her, so drunk and miserable, and compared it to the one he normally was, vivacious and strong, and suddenly a feeling of pity came over her.

‘How could have things ended up like this?’ she thought watching him struggle to pour himself a drink with unsteady hands, ‘I thought if anyone could make it, if anyone of us could have a happy ending, it would have been those two.’

“Let me,” she said, gentling taking the bottle from his trembling hands and pouring him a drink. ‘We all have our moments of weakness,’ she thought watching sadly as he emptied the cup and signaled for her to fill it again, ‘who am to condemn him for loving someone he can never have when I am guilty of the same?’

Sp she filled up his glass again and wished that it would take away his pain. But by the despondent look on his face, she knew it didn’t. Three hours later, she finally waved the barkeeper off from bringing over another round and helped the drunken captain out the door. Neither spoke on the way back to his quarters. After she help him inside, she opened her mouth to say something, possibly goodbye, but closed it again unable to summon the right words and knowing in the end it wouldn’t help him feel any better. So she just left, quietly shutting the door behind her as she went. Only then, did Shunsui finally break down.

He had always been an emotional man, some left over remnant of humanity that hadn’t left even when he entered the Soul Society, so when the tears fell from his eyes, he didn’t stop them. And when his feet couldn’t support him any longer, he simply allowed himself to fall to the floor. There with knees pressed to a cold wooden floor, he wept and raged and cried. With shaking hands, he reached into the inside of his haori to pull out a small faded piece of paper, so old and so tattered that it was a miracle that it hadn’t fallen apart long ago. He stared at this piece paper that his shaking hands held so tightly. He looked at the face of the woman on the photograph and felt his anguish rise up anew.

“Why, Nanao?” he asked, “Why?” He continued to stare at the sole picture he had of his beloved Nanao-chan, the one she never knew he had taken nearly eight years ago. The image of Nanao’s likeness couldn’t answer but somehow he knew this would be the only way he could ever confront her. He would never confront her in person and risk ruining her happiness. Instead, he just smiled sadly, wistfully, and began to smooth out the creases and rough edges. Once finished he gazed adoringly at the one woman who had easily captured his heart so long ago and had broken it just as easily tonight.

He traced the outline of her form, wishing he could touch her soft curves just once. When his fingers reached her hair, he imagined what it would have been like to gently take out the thousands of hairpins that held her hair so neat and tidy. When he reached her lips, he sighed and remembered the image of her laughing and smiling in that dingy, rundown bar. ‘I used to think I would have given anything to see her like that,’ he thought tracing her lips once more, ‘now I would give anything to burn that image out of my head.’ And all through the night, his fingers kept tracing again and again the Nanao in the photo while his mind kept imagining would the real thing would be like. But every time he did, his mind would eventually return to the image of her with someone else.

When morning came, he got up from his position on the floor having never made it to his bed, having never even closed his eyes except briefly in regret. He stood as straight and tall as his damaged soul would allow. He fixed his uniform, brushed off the dust from his body and wounded heart. He ate some fresh fruit that had somehow made its way into the kitchen and took bite after bite and allowing its bitter taste to churn his stomach. And then when he finished, he headed out the door. As for the picture of Nanao… it was tucked close to his heart as it always was and always would be because Shunsui never could let his beloved Nanao-chan go.

When the captain stumbled in hung-over and unshaven around noon, no one within the eighth squad was surprised. But when he failed to respond to their cheerful greetings and instead headed straight for his office, they looked at one another in rampant confusion. Eventually they just shrugged their shoulders and joked to one another that maybe he was going to take a nap in the office. It was the Captain Kyōraku after all. Besides what was more surprising to them was that Vice-Captain Nanao hadn’t shown up at all. Eventually, a few brave souls dropping off some forms to sign mentioned that little tidbit to the captain but Kyōraku-taichō didn’t react like they expected him to. Instead, of organizing a massive search party for his poor, beloved Nanao-chan like he had done in the past, he just got a pained expression on his face and told them it was fine. Unsure of how to respond, they nodded and left him alone.

When she did finally stumble in an hour later, with her hair pinned expertly in place and uniform neat and ironed, no said a word assuming everything was back to normal. If only they had gotten a closer look. If they had, they would have seen the paleness of her skin as if she were hung over, the puffiness around her eyes as if she had been crying all night without ceasing and the tremble in her smile as if she were trying to fight back a sob behind her silent lips.