Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Boy am I tired. And I bet I'm going to regret posting this. And I bet you will regret reading this.

You see, I was reading through the reviews, trying to find inspiration, and then someone asked if Itachi and Kisame were going to show up, and I was like, why the hell not. Because I'm (un)cool like that.

So.

May sick humor and bad jokes remain supreme! :D

Two cool silhouettes could have been seen near the House of Education, if someone had been looking. Unfortunately no one cared to look at the roof top of a five store building filled with suspicious restaurants and other stores infested with cockroaches.

But there they were, standing proud and tall, looking at the imaginary school of Konoha High. The shorter one's eyes were squinted into mere slits as he observed the students walking into the building.

“Can you please tell me what we're doing here, Itachi?” the taller one asked conveniently enough to let the readers know what this was all about.

Itachi did not turn to look at his unwilling partner-in-crime as he gave the answer.

“Sasuke, my little brother,” he begun, as if no one knew what they were to each other by now, “has met someone in this school recently.”

His from now on mentioned friend, Kisame, did not seem impressed by this but decided to play along just because Itachi was his best friend for not caring that his mother had had a thing for sharks.

“How do you know?”

As if on cue, the wind started blowing dramatically as Itachi turned around to look at Kisame with intense eyes which spoke more than words ever could.

“Because Sasuke, my baby brother, has continuously trained for a masturbating marathon, even mastering the classical Uchiha move of three strokes and a scream for someone's name.”

Or maybe words spoke more than a stare ever could. Kisame got so confused with this sometimes.

“But your room is nowhere near Sasuke's, how would you know that.”

“Father told me.”

Why papa-Uchiha had constantly been outside his younger son's bedroom to hear him masturbate was not something Kisame wished to know, so he decided to just keep his mouth shut. Sometimes silence was golden, as it would have been this morning had he not opened the door to Itachi and been forced to join him on this rooftop to have this conversation.

He truly lived a life of regrets.

“Now come, Kisame. We must find out what kind of a bloke this Naruto is.”

And with that, the eldest Uchiha offspring turned around and put his foot on the edge of the building, about to jump. Despite all his regrets, Kisame managed to run over to him before Itachi had the time to use his not so well planned shortcut.

“What the hell do you think you're doing!? Don't go jumping down buildings, you're not a fucking ninja!”

“Oh yeah. I sometimes forget that,” Itachi said, as calm as he was when he was about to jump.

“Let's take the stairs then.”

And so they did.

--

The girls reacted with swoonage, as expected, when Itachi stepped through the school gates. The sea of females came in waves and he literally had to swim in them to get where he wanted to go. It was easier for Kisame, mostly because he was half a fish, but also because in the world of bad stereotypes his ugliness cause the opposite reaction to what Itachi's prettiness did.

“Unhand me, you felines!” Itachi tried to command the squealing females, but they did not obey until the last piece of garment had been removed from his body, leaving the Uchiha butt-naked and feeling slightly violated.

While the crowd was too preoccupied arguing who got Itachi's Sasuke branded boxers, the older Uchiha managed to escape inside the school. Kisame arrived soon after, still fully clothed, oddly enough.

Itachi looked around in all his proudness, because really, he had nothing to be a shamed of, and tried to spot someone worth Sasuke's scream.

And there it was, the perfect ass even he'd masturbate to, right next a fatter ass he didn't deem worth even noticing. Ignoring the coat Kisame was offering to cover his nakedness, Itachi walked over to the ass.

“You're Naruto, I presume?”

The question made the bearer of such a fine ass turn around and look at him in the eye, gaining the interest of even little Itachi who had hung around quite uninterested for a whole two weeks now. And as the (not in it's own category) little guy was perking up to grant a friendly hello, Kisame took action and forced the unwanted jacket on his friend.

Never minding the jacket and not noticing the disturbed expression on Naruto, Itachi patted the boy on the shoulder and simply said “I approve,” before turning around and walking away almost all the way home, before he got stopped by the police and got excused of being an exhibitionist because of his suspicious jacket.

The rest, as they say, is history.

--

Fugaku had his ear pressed against the wooden door of his son's room. Itachi was always so quiet, but tonight he was being so very loud. It was most suspicious if anything.

Three strokes and then he shouted for Naruto.

Frowning while wondering who the hell this Naruto was, Fugaku was about to retreat to his office and make all it took to find out about this mysterious character, but froze after Itachi's voice carried through the door.

“You're welcome to join me, father.”

Busted.

I'm baffled by how many reviews this story has. You people are crazy. xD I love you!