Author: Failure Turtle PM
COMPLETE. A series of Edge's uncensored rants about every single Superstar on the WWE roster. The final victim: JOHN CENA. Rated T for language.Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor - Edge - Chapters: 54 - Words: 42,256 - Reviews: 633 - Favs: 76 - Follows: 35 - Updated: 01-23-08 - Published: 11-05-07 - Status: Complete - id: 3875322
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A/N: Yes, it was pure irony.
Now I regret doing the Bobby Lashley chapter.
This is my final disclaimer that these are not entirely my true feelings. My guess is that everyone will miss the point of this final chapter since they don't read author's notes.
I still can't believe this is over…
Yeah, this is the moment you've all been waiting for. I am about to unleash holy hell on John Cena.
I have half a mind just to tempt you all with the tantalizing idea of me bashing Cena. And then I want to pull the carpet out from underneath you all and end it right here and now.
But Edge is a giving individual. How would it look if I just hyped it up for fifty-three chapters and never delivered?
Edge always delivers.
I'll start on his "rap" "career."
Yeah, those words are in separate quotations. That's because they are stupid for different reasons. One, he doesn't rap. He just talks really fast and his "sentences" just happen to rhyme. John Cena is a poser, for sure. I don't pretend to be anything that I'm not. This brings me back to a day when I was on RAW. I may be Canadian, but I am no bigot like John Cena. And for the career part, he doesn't have a career in the rapping arts, if you could call it an art. Just because he has an album doesn't mean that it's any good. Seriously, John Cena is not a musician. To be a musician, you need to play instruments instead of hopping up and down, rapidly ranting about drugs and people that want to shoot you. What ever happened to good music? And since when does talking fast require you to wear excessively baggy clothing? There is no need for that. I am more of a musician than John Cena is. I've stated multiple times that I can play the guitar. I bet the most that Cena can do is bash on some pots and pans on the floor of his mother's kitchen like a two year old. I bet since he can break our eardrums with metal smashing, he thinks he can pursue other musical endeavors. Psh.
John Cena should be neither rapper nor wrestler. With his fast talking skills, he should be an auctioneer.
John Cena's winning streak disturbs me. He is such a little lap dog of Vince's. Vince pretty much lets him run the WWE now. No wonder we're losing so many traditional fans. You know, the traditional fans much prefer me to John Cena. They're the smart ones, and they're all in Canada. Vince, there is no way in hell that someone would win that many times in a row and overcome so many odds. John Cena is the worst underdog in history. I swear, he's more annoying than Rey Mysterio.
I guess it would help if he could actually wrestle. That's unfortunate. First of all, this is World Wrestling Entertainment. I think Cena just fills that last part, even though he only entertains young children and fat chicks. He puts the rest of us to sleep with his "power" moves and "charisma."
John Cena is about as charismatic as a toilet. John Cena lives in a toilet, too, considering that he's a piece of crap.
He really can't wrestle. Picking up people and slamming them down does not constitute as wrestling talent. What happened to hip tosses? Oh, wait…that's how he injured himself. Or was it an arm drag? I don't know. What happened to hurricanranas, moonsaults, corkscrews, chops…oh, the list goes on.
This is a match involving John Cena, which he of course wins.
Three: Maybe a clothesline.
Four: Five Knuckle Shuffle.
Seriously, the F-U is the most boring finisher ever. I still don't understand how WWE Magazine listed it as the greatest finisher in wrestling history. What? No, that is horrendously incorrect. My spear pwns the shit out of the F-U.
I was listening to the radio the other day, and I heard this song where a guy repeatedly says that he's going to put someone to bed. What, are they tucking someone in at night and checking the closet for monsters? Well, that's what the F-U reminds me of. It looks like he's picking up some three year old and tucking them in at night before they go to sleep.
Randy Orton only knows like eight moves, two of them being a headlock and the RKO, and he still knows more moves than John Cena.
I hate that "you can't see me" thing. Yeah, John, I can see you. If I couldn't see you, then I wouldn't be able to see you waving your steroid infested hand in front of your ugly face claiming that I can't see you. If I couldn't see you, then that wouldn't be a taunt. Since I can see you, that is considered a taunt. I am dubbing it the worst taunt in wrestling history. I don't give a damn what WWE Magazine has to say about it. They only like printing posters of you, anyways.
And they wonder why magazine sales are so low.
I don't know what happened to John Cena. He was incredibly more bearable when he was constantly rapping.
Although, I was incessantly pissed off when he decided to battle rap Captain Charisma. At least Christian has charisma, unlike John Cena. Besides, Christian totally won me over when he said "Canada in the house." Damn straight.
West Newbury? The second part of that city name sounds like a suburb full of old people that like to play croquet in their perfectly groomed backyards. I think Cena just tossed the west in front of there to make it sound more "gangster."
I've been to that town before. Remember when I slapped his dad? It really was a polluted cesspool. And you wonder why John Cena is so disgusting.
I'm not even going to talk about the Toronto Blue Jays, so I'll talk about hockey, since that is my forte. Yeah, the Toronto Maple Leafs have won thirteen Stanley Cups. The stupid Boston Bruins, what a horrible name by the way, have only one five. My lovely team has won eight more championships than his nasty team.
John Cena is a three time WWE Champion. I'm only a two time WWE Champion, but my credentials totally make John Cena's little title reigns look like crap. Not only am I a two time WWE Champion, but I'm a two time World Heavyweight Champion, a title that John Cena has yet to disgrace. That's not to mention the tag titles, Intercontinental, and United States Championship reigns. Yes, I understand that John Cena was a former United States Champion. Then again, he lost it to Carlito. And he was a World Tag Team Champion. That doesn't count because Shawn Michaels totally carried that team. But I suppose that the current World Tag Team Champions are a slight step up from John Cena, but not a very large step. Only slight.
I remember a promo from Backlash 2007. Randy Orton was supposedly hitting on John Cena, who denied the Legend Killer's advances. Yeah, Cena totally wanted to. He just didn't want to disappoint the fan girls. But they're all just waiting for it to happen. Those two are all the little ones thing about anymore.
You know what? I'm glad that Cena got married, engaged, whatever. Not only does it break the hearts of all the fan girls, which makes me laugh, but now someone else can bear the pain we all feel. She's not even cute, so I will definitely not be trying to steal her from him.
His movie? Oh, lord. I think The Marine is crap. It was a horrible movie. The only reason that it was slightly successful was because all the fan girls ran out to the theatres to see it. They were all like, "Oh my god, Sally! Let's go see The Marine! John Cena will be like thirty feet on the screen!" Yeah, because we really need super sized Cena. I mean, he's already Superman.
His costar was ugly as hell. She was so butch. My small role in Highlander: Endgame totally kills John Cena's whole "feature" film. Of course Cena ended up saving his wife. He saves everyone. Duh.
And I love how his character's name was John. They only use that for idiot actors that won't respond to their casted names.
I can't believe he's doing another film. Guess what? The plot is exactly the same as The Marine. His girlfriend gets kidnapped and he has to save her. Shocker! Not. Well, I suppose that makes sense. His WWE storylines are always the same, so why not his movies?
I bet in his third movie, he'll be a firefighter. Someone will kidnap his woman and stick her in a burning building. In the fourth movie, some gangsters will kidnap her and he'll have to save her from their lair because he's a cop. The possibilities are endless, but all oh so repetitive and boring.
I guess that WWE Films got that whole "saving the lady" idea from his WWE storylines. Whenever one of the Divas is in trouble, the crowd chants for him to save her. Why him?
You know, whenever Lita was in trouble, they never chanted for me to save her.
The pinnacle of my career was cashing in my Money in the Bank at New Year's Revolution after Cena shockingly survived the Elimination Chamber match. I laughed and partied so hard that night. The crowd chanted for me that night.
And then…I thoroughly enjoyed spearing him through a table at One Night Stand. Even though I didn't win the title that night, at least I got it off of him. I ended up with the title anyways like a month later.
You see? I'm much smarter and sneakier than Cena. That meat head would never think of such devious plots. That's why I am so freaking rad and Cena just sucks.
I always get upset when the WWE confiscates anti-Cena signs, but they let the anti-Edge ones run free. I don't get that. If people hate Cena, let them! If you don't believe that they do that, bring a "Cena is a disgrace" sign to the next live event you go to that Cena is most likely headlining. It happens.
Wait, I forgot. Cena is out.
And so am I.
I hope you enjoyed listening to me talk. I know you did, so don't even deny it.
And you Edge haters can get to stepping…off a cliff.
This is my fond farewell.
My last words are this:
I am awesome.
…And Cena is not.
A/N: That is it. That is the end.
My heart is broken now. I feel so empty.
This is the longest chapter at five pages.
And I know I'm going to get like a zillion flames.
Bring them on.
I did have a sequel before, but I didn't like it.