Author: TheDeathlyMarshmallows PM
Kakashi's a bus driver, Itachi is a professional dancer and Deidara is an art teacher. This is going to be one very, very odd story indeed. Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto etc, all belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 31 - Words: 68,577 - Reviews: 121 - Favs: 51 - Follows: 36 - Updated: 06-01-10 - Published: 11-09-07 - id: 3881897
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Chair Legs, The Doctor and The TARDIS
"It would be my luck…" Ino hissed quietly to the girl in the hospital bed next to her "…to end up in hospital and have her as the nurse on my ward!"
"I think you're making a fuss over nothing." Sakura replied tiredly. She would have rather been anywhere else but in the Hospital again. She'd only just left a few days before hand…and besides, this place reminded her of Sasuke and how he'd left her and ripped out her heart, metaphorically speaking of course, and then stamped all over it and put it in a blender and-
"Seriously, she's stalking me! I swear to God and Allah and Gandhi she's a woman obsessed!"
"Stop flattering yourself, you're not that good looking." Temari huffed moodily from her own hospital bed. "You know what really pisses me off? I've only got two bruises, some scratches and a sore bum and they're keeping me in this disgusting excuse for a hospital-"
"Sore bum?" Ino repeated, eyes wide.
"What…exactly…" Ino turned to look at Sakura, who was staring out of the window emotionally "…what exactly did you do to Temari during your catfight?"
But the pink haired kunochi was no longer listening. She was thinking of Sasuke and his raven locks…and his dark eyes and his toned figure….and the delightfully big surprise that was no doubt lurking in his trousers somewhe-
"YOU PUT YOUR FINGER UP HER BUM!" A horrified screech, that pierced through Sakura's head most painfully, interrupted. She whipped her head around to lock eyes with her mentally scarred looking friend. "What? No!"
"Well she says you did!"
"Yeah!" Temari chipped in "I said you did!"
"But I didn't!"
"You so did!"
"I so didn't!"
Temari paused and stared at Sakura blankly for a few moments. Then, turning to look thoughtfully at her lap, she mused aloud "Well, bugger me. I'm sure something went up there."
Ino gagged, her face paling. Sakura scowled. "And you automatically assumed it was my finger?"
"It was either that or the chair le..." A look of realization passed over the blonde kunochi's face "Oh."
Sakura grimaced. Ino's features contorted with unrestrainable disgust. "Christ, woman! How could you get a chair leg impaling itself up your ass confused with Sakura's finger? The sizes are completel-"
"WHO PUT THEIR LEG UP SOMEONE'S ASS!" Came a thunderous roar from the ward doorway.
The three girls eyes widened and they turned to see the terrible outline of the nurse before them. Ino whimpered and pulled the sheets of her bed up in an attempt to hide herself.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU PUT THEIR LEG UP THE OTHER ONE'S ASS!" Tsunade bellowed "THAT'S A CRIMINAL OFFENCE AND I WILL NOT ALLOW IT ON MY WARD!"
"Nobody put their leg up anybody else's ass!" Sakura replied irritably "Temari fell on a chair last night, that's all."
"Did it go up her ass?"
Sakura sat awkwardly on her bed, staring at the nurse. "Err...well...we were just discussing...after much debate..."
"Yes it did!" Temari announced, worryingly sounding a little proud of the accomplishment. "A whole chair leg!"
Tsunade looked at her for a long while, then shook her head slowly and took out a pad of paper. "Well, I'd better refer you to the Bottom Clinic then." She scribbled rapidly on the paper, then strode over to Temari and forced it into her hand. "Go. Now."
Temari raised a brow, glancing to the paper that had meaningless scribbles drawn all over it. "Err...I'm not sure the doctor will understand..."
"Yes, he will. I promise you." Tsunade grabbed the girl and, ignoring her shrieks of protest and flailing arms, promptly threw her out the ward door. Turning to meet Sakura's worried gaze, she assured "She'll find the way, no problem. And if she doesn't, the doctor will find her."
"I'm needed at the Bottom Clinic!" Orochimaru stated loudly, right into the Uchiha's ear. He received no reply. In fact, he hadn't gotten any replies from the teenager since the battle with Itachi. "I think you're being very rude!" The snake man announced, giving the boy a sharp jab on the shoulder with his chin. "I've done nothing but love and care for you and provide you with this lovely home! This lovely fish tank! And look how you repay me!"
"IT'S DISGUSTING!" Orochimaru shrieked, utterly furious "I WOULDN'T EXPECT THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOUR EVEN FROM BEN!"
"Ben doesn't exist." Sasuke muttered moodily.
The snake man wasn't sure what he was more shocked at, the fact the Uchiha was replying, or what he had just dared to suggest. After spluttering most un-hygienically, the pale man managed to wheeze emotionally "Ben does exist! He does!"
"Except he actually doesn't. I've never seen or heard from him. He's never phoned. If he were as good a friend as you say he is, he'd visit or-"
"ACTUALLY!" Orochimaru bellowed, unable to control himself any longer "HE'S WITH THE DOCTOR AT THE MOMENT, SO HE CAN'T VISIT!" Then, the snake man hid his face in his hands and wailed dramatically.
Sasuke raised a slender brow unconcernedly, onyx eyes fixing on the heaving form seated at a table in the Underwater Lair beside him. "The Doctor? Doctor who?"
"Y-Yes, that's the one..." Orochimaru managed in between sobs, dragging a sleeve across his nose.
Sasuke stared unemotionally at the snake man, who was now brushing the hair on his eyebrows backwards with his long, bony fingers. A look of distaste eventually passed across the Uchiha's handsome features and he shifted his gaze back to the table, where upon he began drumming his fingers across the surface. "Hn."
"I know that song."
"That song you're playing on the table. I know it."
"I'm not playing a song."
"Yes you are, Sasuke-kun. It's Beethoven."
Sasuke rolled his eyes. "You can't play Beethoven with just with your fingers and a table."
"Yes you can!" Orochimaru shot back defensively "I was a champion finger tapper back when I was a young radish."
"But then the farmers dug me up."
"...they killed all my radish friends, you know? And Mama and Papa." Orochimaru's eyes glistened "They ate them. The farmers dug them up and ate them. Can you believe that?"
"Hn." Sasuke replied, unmoved by the conversation.
"But Bill and Ben, who lived in the flowerpots nearby, they saved me. Helped me escape. And I wrapped myself tight in a cocoon, just like Bambi did, and then I emerged as a beautiful young snake."
"Bambi didn't wrap himself in a cocoon." Sasuke sighed. There were many other flaws in Orochimaru's story, but he didn't have the energy to argue about all of them.
"Yes he did! STOP GOING AGAINST EVERYTHING I SAY!"
"I thought you were needed at the clinic?"
Orochimaru gasped. "OH MY! You're quite right, Sasuke-kun!" He glanced at his wrist, apparently unaware that he wasn't wearing a watch, and then started wheezing in evident distress.
"What is it now?"
"It's quarter past Christmas!"
"Quarter past Christmas! Getting onto ten to New Year!" Without allowing the Uchiha time to sourly reply, the snake man hurriedly slithered over to the other side of the table, where a coat and a spoon covered in tin foil lay on the surface. He gathered them up in his long arms and gave Sasuke a quick glance. "I'm off to defeat my nemesis in the blue box. Tell Noddy to go to bed without me. I'll see him in the morning!" And with that he was gone.
Sasuke frowned and shifted his gaze onto the broken, mangled puppet lying haphazardly in the corner of the Underwater Lair. He squinted.
'NooDdleY' could just be made out, scrawled across the puppet's forehead.
"Oh." Sasuke murmured, clearly uninterested. "So you're Noddy then."
The puppet didn't reply. Sasuke noticed it was devoid of any arms or legs.
After awhile, the Uchiha vacated the Underwater Lair area and stayed safely in between three huge masses of seaweed at the other side of the fish tank. Somewhere in the back of his head, Sasuke hoped NooDdleY wouldn't come searching for him.
Although, of course, if anybody asked, he would never admit to being scared of the broken puppet.
Temari had been staggering around the Hospital for well over an hour and her feet were getting sore. The piece of paper with unintelligible scribbles drawn all over it was still clutched tightly in her grasp. A mad man, claiming it was a cactus baby, had tried to steal it, but Temari had valiantly fought him off, her screams of "LET GO! WHAT ARE YOU? RETARDED?" echoing down the corridors.
There was still no sign of this 'Bottom Clinic', and Temari was beginning to wonder if it actually existed, or whether the freaky nurse who was stalking Ino had been lying.
Just as she turned down 'Corridor 9 ¾', and witnessed a boy with messy black hair and glasses run straight towards, and more surprisingly through, a wall, a strange whirring sound caught her attention and she spun around.
A blue telephone box appeared before her.
Temari's eye twitched in annoyance.
This was getting ridiculous.
The door of the telephone box opened and a man with brown hair hopped out, looking intensely confused. "Blimey! This isn't right!" He announced, apparently to himself as he hadn't noticed the Kunochi yet.
"No shit!" Temari barked, hands on hips. She was in no mood for random, bow-tie wearing idiots to pop into existence whenever it suited them. Had they no manners! "You just appeared out of nowhere in a freakin' telephone box and all you can say is 'This isn't right'! What the hell is wrong with you! You think you're God or something?"
"I...err..." The man glanced at his wristwatch, murmured something about being late and then surveyed the angry teen. "I'm The Doctor. Who are you?"
Temari stared at him.
He stared at her.
"THE DOCTOR! THE DOCTOR! 'YOU TAKING THE PISS!" Temari roared furiously, practically frothing at the mouth.
"I MEANT YOUR ACTUAL NAME, FAIL FACE!"
"That's what everybody calls me." The Doctor replied, apparently unfazed. In fact, he seemed more interested in his immediate surroundings as he began running his hands along one of the walls. "Ah, I think I've overshot again. I'm still getting used to the controls, you see?"
Temari did not see. All she saw was a strange man with floppy brown locks caressing a wall and talking utter crud. "Are you mad?" She asked matter-of-factly.
The Doctor smiled, resting the side of his head against the wall now and watching Temari with growing interest. "I think so. It's much more fun."
"This is Konoha?"
"I haven't been here in years..." The man murmured "Marvellous place, if not dangerous." He paused, giving Temari a pointed and somewhat disappointed look. "And you shouldn't swear so much, you know. It's most undignified."
"You calling me a man?" Temari retorted angrily.
"!" A shriek echoed out around them, painfully loud.
The two turned to witness a dramatic sight before them. Orochimaru, wearing a long brown coat, lopsided glasses and holding out a spoon wrapped in tinfoil stood at the other end of the corridor, determination etched across his extremely pale face.
The Doctor shifted uncomfortably away from the wall and forced a smile. "Oh, hello Orochimaru." He offered a little, awkward wave.
"YOU LEFT ME!" The snake man screeched uncontrollably, ignoring the wave completely in his hysterics. "You said you'd take me with you and then you left!" He let out an insane cackle and spread his arms dramatically, apparently under the impression he was the pinnacle of masculinity and power "WELL LOOK AT ME NOW, DOCTOR!"
The Doctor looked and cringed somewhat as he did so, bad memories flooding back through his mind. Memories that involved irons, burn marks on his beloved TARDIS and spoons going places no spoons should go. "Ah, yes, about that..."
"I'm sorry, excuse me for just one moment!" Temari interrupted, thoroughly annoyed that she was being forgotten about in the midst of this highly emotionally charged reunion. "Would anybody mind telling me just what the fuck is actually happening?"
"Well it's just a meeting of two people who haven't seen each other for a very long time." The Doctor answered slowly and vaguely "A very...very long time..." He narrowed his eyes at Orochimaru "Although, the last time I saw you...you were different from how you are now."
"I GREW UP!" The black haired man shrieked over-emotionally, tears welling up in his golden eyes. "I grew up so I could forget you!"
"No...you just had blond hair and green eyes...and a lot more muscle."
This was clearly not the kind of response Orochimaru had been hoping for as he let out a snarl and began striding forward, in such a way that he hoped his long coat would billow out behind him. Sadly, his strides were infinitely too slow to create enough force for this sort of dramatic thing to happen, and he instead just looked as if he were stuck in slow motion. Or was perhaps just very, very retarded. "DON'T YOU DARE BRING THAT UP, DOCTOR! DON'T YOU DARE! You know nothing of my heritage!"
The Doctor raised a brow. "Well, I'm inclined to think I do seeing as what happened-"
"I'M A RADISH!" Orochimaru spat angrily, and more disgustingly, literally as saliva went flying every which way and more "You can't take that away from me! You might have taken away my breasts but you can't take away my roots!"
Temari's eyes widened and a look of shock spread across her face instantly "BREASTS?" She shrieked incredulously "You took away his...? He had...? Oh my God!" The laughter that was thus emitted from her mouth gave indication that she had made no effort to hide her feelings on this delicate matter.
The Doctor, looking flustered, turned in Temari's direction. "I...no! This...I don't know what he's talking about!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAAA! JUST WAIT 'TILL EVERYONE HERE'S ABOUT THIS!" Temari flung the paper Tsunade had given her over her shoulder and proceeded to sprint down the hallway, jump, click her heels together, and then turn a corner and vanish from sight.
The Doctor only just had time to turn his head back around to find himself face to face with the snake man himself. "O-Oh! Hello!"
"MY BREASTS, DOCTOR!" Orochimaru roared furiously into the poor Time Lord's face "WHERE ARE MY BREASTS?"
"I think it went very well." Sasori commented, leaning against the wall while turning a page of 'Much Ado About Nothing' in his hands. "Apart from Tsume dislocating that poor old woman's jaw, of course."
Kisame paused in his work, a wet sponge dribbling water down his arms. "I feel so bad about that, Sasori. Do you think it was my fault? Do you think it was the lyrics?"
Sasori peered over the rim of his glasses at the blue man. "Do I think it was the lyrics of one of our songs that caused Tsume to decide her only viable option was to try and murder an innocent old lady?"
The red-haired man gave Kisame a pointed stare, murmured "Fool" under his breath and continued to read.
The men were currently in the Fire Station, with Kisame trying valiantly to clean the fire truck. His efforts were to little avail though, as Zabuza was following him around the vehicle with charcoal, scraping it across the sides. Kisame turned, watched as his fellow Fireman carried out such a deed, and let out a sad whining sound. "I really wish you wouldn't do that, Zabuza."
"I WISH I WAS THE SCHOOL BUS DRIVER!" Zabuza bellowed forcefully "But you don't always get what you want, do you!" He scowled at the whimper he received in reply and took out another piece of charcoal from a pocket in his uniform "It makes the truck look weather beaten and vintage! I LIKE VINTAGE THINGS, KISAME!"
"Actually, it makes it look like somebody has scratched charcoal all around it." Sasori stated logically from the other end of the garage.
"YOU BASTARD!" Zabuza yelled, swinging around to face the puppet man and hurl the piece of charcoal at him. "You complete and utter bastard!"
Sasori deflected the incoming charcoal with his book, a look of distaste passing across his handsome features. "I really protest about being subjected to projectiles being aimed in my general vicinity."
Zabuza blinked, glanced at Kisame who gave an uneasy shrug, and then turned his gaze back to the redhead. For a moment or two the Fireman looked completely blank, before his face twisted into a terrible glare and he started toward the abomination daring to use such large and complicated words in his Fire Station. "ALRIGHT BIG MAN! Let's get it on! I'll take you down! I'll take you down town!"
Sasori narrowed his eyes and shut the book, placing it on a desk nearby before walking towards the incensed man. The gap between them began to rapidly close. "You think you can handle me? You think you can come to blows with a fine specimen of a being such as myself and leave unscathed?"
"I'll leave better than unscathed!" Zabuza roared "I'LL LEAVE UNHARMED!" Apparently unaware of his lack of knowledge in the English language, he lunged forward to close the gap between them completely and tackle the puppet man to the floor.
As the two men wrestled against each other, hissing and snarling in each other's faces, Kisame seized his opportunity and began scrubbing the fire truck with renewed vigour. This was his moment, his time to shine – not just metaphorically, oh no, but to literally make the vehicle before him shine in splendid cleanliness. How all the other fire departments in the Ninja World would groan in jealousy as they watched the glowing truck drive by. Oh, how they would cry and toss and turn in their beds...wishing they had such a grand and impressive truck as the Konoha Fire Station. If only they had as good a truck cleaner as Kisame! But no, he would not be swayed by their petty bribes and attempts at deals, he was true and loyal to his village and never would he give his cleaning service to any other country. The village people would love him, adore him! They would realize their mistake in thinking he was but a shark! HE WAS A MAN!
The girly shriek that tore out of Kisame's throat as Zabuza and Sasori crashed into the side of the truck suggested otherwise though, and in his blind panic the blue man swung about, kicking the bucket of water over and accidentally smashing the wet sponge in Sasori's face.
The puppet man let out a horrified cry, pushed Zabuza away and staggered about a bit, clutching his soaked face. "MY FACE!" He screeched "OH GOD, MY FACE! IT'LL ROT!"
Zabuza bellowed in laughter as Sasori stumbled out of the Fire Station and down the road, sobbing to himself about his face and, more importantly, his bruised pride. Kisame was wailing in the background, sounding surprisingly like the siren of his beloved fire truck.
"GET A GRIP!" Zabuza shouted, smacking the blue man hard around the head. "I WON! This is a great moment in my life and you're ruining it!"
"B-But...I think I-I killed him! What if his f-face falls apart?"
"He'll just chisel himself another! The man's a puppet!"
Kisame sniffed, looking very doubtful. "He won't have any eyes to see the wood he's chiselling!"
"Wonderful!" Zabuza replied loudly, clapping the shark man on the back. "He'll have a lopsided face!"
"I really think you should try to calm down!" The Doctor called across the Hospital rooftop as he continued backpedalling away from the insane snake man that was rapidly approaching. "You've got me confused with someone else, I have no idea what happened to your breasts or where they are!"
"You stole them from me!" Orochimaru answered over-emotionally, keeping his shiny spoon aimed at the Time Lord. "You wanted to make a cake and they were the final ingredient!"
"I...your...breasts? I'm sure they're not a necessary ingredient in the making of a cake-"
"YES THEY ARE! HOW COULD YOU SUGGEST SUCH A THING! You sound just like BEN!" Orochimaru came to a halt a few steps away from The Doctor, who was now perilously close to the edge of the roof. "You took them away from me too! Where are Bill and Ben!"
A look of vague understanding passed over the brown haired man's face. "Ah, yes, Bill and Ben. Charming gentlemen. Although I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to know where they are?" He offered a nervous smile which he hoped would shed some light on the situation and ease the tension a little.
It didn't work. "They went with you to MADAGASCAR!" Orochimaru hollered, waving the spoon around dramatically "And I was left alone with Davy Jones and that whore of a Kraken!"
"Err...I see...it's just I'm fairly certain that never happened."
"You know what's really sad about all this, Doctor?" The pale man sniffed as he tried to suppress his emotions, dribble and snot mixing together all over his face "IT WAS YOU I LOVED! I just went out with Davy Jones to try and make you jealous and then you didn't even notice! You didn't even care after everything we went through in that blue box of yours!"
"I...you...you never actually set foot in the TARDIS-"
Clearly, Orochimaru was beyond reasoning. He raised a hand and smeared the disgusting mess of substances on his face together in distress. "I told you before that I was a radish..." He began shakily, now wiping his hand through his hair, making it glisten disgustingly with facial fluids. "...but I...no longer am such a thing! I'm a mermaid again, Doctor! I returned to the sea and I am now forced to stay there! If I set foot on land before seven years then Davy Jones will set the Kraken after me!"
The Doctor frowned, aware all too clearly that the snake man was indeed on land as opposed to being in the sea as he claimed to be. "Ah...right. Well, I'm sorry to hear that." He glanced at his watch. "Oh! Is that the time! I really do have to be leaving now-"
"You'll have to get past my sonic screwdriver first!" Orochimaru barked, sounding very much like a dog indeed. He pointed the shiny spoon at the Time Lord spectacularly, swinging it about it bit first and striking poses that he was sure made the enemy realise what a powerful and dangerous foe he was. He ended up stumbling a bit and a large amount of snot seemed to suddenly explode from his nose for no real reason, but after a few moments he was on his feet again and aiming his spoon at the other man. "Make your move...Doris!" He whispered in what seemed to him to be a forceful way.
As well as the snake man getting his name completely wrong, the whole spectacle The Doctor had just witnessed was forever going to be embedded in his memory as one of the most horrific sights in the whole of time and space. Violence was against his principles...but a perhaps scaring tactics wouldn't go amiss if they would get him out of a tricky situation. The Doctor brandished his actual sonic screwdriver, as opposed to the other man's spoon wrapped in tinfoil, and started forward. "Orochimaru...I don't want to do this, but if you don't let me leave then Bill and Ben are in serious danger and I have no other option but to battle against you."
Orochimaru's eyes widened in horror. "Bill and Ben are in trouble?"
"I'm afraid so, and I'm the only one who can save them. You have to let me get to the TARDIS so I can travel to Madagascar in time to stop the bomb that is about to explode by their house."
"They have a house?" The snake man asked shakily, tears rolling down his cheeks. "So they've settled there? They've left me for the Muffin Man?"
The Doctor had no idea what Orochimaru was talking about, but he kept a straight face and nodded slowly. "Yes. I have to go."
Orochimaru lowered his spoon and took a step to the side. As The Doctor started past him, the snake man grabbed a hold of his hand, much to the disgust of the Time Lord as Orochimaru's hands were still covered in snot and dribble. "But you will give me back my breasts one day, won't you Doctor?" He asked emotionally, his eyes glistening with tears.
"I...err...yes, quite." The Doctor answered, nodding, making a mental note to never, ever, under any circumstances come back to Konoha. Orochimaru let go of his hand, and the Time Lord escaped back down the stairs to the roof and to his TARDIS and freedom.
Far below, in the street beside the Hospital, Kabuto was walking back towards Sunshine Circle with the groceries. He glanced up, just by chance, and witnessed a most wonderful, breath-catching sight. There, standing near the edge of the roof of the Hospital, was the snake-man who he had helped take's buttocks hostage along with his fellow Wombles. He'd never really noticed it before, but...the snake man...he was so...with all those weird glistening substances in his black hair...
The groceries were dropped to the floor in utter shock as Kabuto stared up in awe. "It's...it's beautiful!"
All Sakura could hear was sobbing from the direction of Sasori's hospital bed and unintelligible babbling from Temari's general direction beside Ino's bed. All Sakura wanted was a bit of peace and quiet, but this was a rare occurrence in Konoha. She closed her eyes and took steady, deep breaths. Hopefully she could just block everything out and get some sleep before they were all finally discharged.
"BREASTS?" Came Ino's piercing cry as she stared at Temari in horror "Oh God, you're not serious?"
Sakura let out a groan of annoyance and opened one eye to glance over at the other two kunochi's to her left. "What are you talking about now Temari? Some people actually want to get some rest you know."
"Yo bitch, quiet! You have no idea what I just saw! There was a blue telephone box, some kid ran through a wall and then that crazy ass snake man said his breasts had been taken from this freak who called himself 'The Doctor'."
"The Doctor?" Ino echoed, sounding very seductive "Mmmm...he sounds dominating."
"He was retarded." Temari announced straight away, shattering all of Ino's hopes at once. "Actually retarded. He was stroking the walls and agreeing he was mad and everything."
The conversation was interrupted briefly by a strange gurgling sound from Sasori, before he fell quiet and Sakura asked "When do you think we'll be allowed out of here?"
"Soon I hope!" Ino replied, sounding very desperate "That creepy nurse is stalking me. I went to the loo and when I came out again she was standing right outside the door...like she'd been listening or something gross."
Temari wrinkled her nose in disgust. "That's just all kinds of wrong."
"YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS WRONG?" A voice boomed from the corridor just before Tsunade stormed into the ward, pointing a finger accusingly at a very frightened looking Ino. "MY RESEARCH INTO YOUR LIFE HAS CAUSED ME TO CONCLUDE THAT YOU DO NOT ACTUALLY LIKE PEANUTS!"
Temari quickly scuttled out of the immediate vicinity of Ino's bed and took shelter behind Sakura's, wishing to keep the hell out of the way of the mentally deranged nurse. As she did so, Ino was quickly beginning to hyperventilate under the pressure of how she should reply to such an accusation. "I...i-it's just...I'm not s-sure how...they're nice b-but I don't...I-I mean..."
"W-what? I'm sorry?"
"No peanuts for three whole days! What's wrong with you?" Tsunade demanded, sounding thoroughly manly "You don't seem to care about them at all! You didn't even sneak some into the toilet to eat!"
"I...I...I...I..." The distressed kunochi began to emit strange, hoarse wheezing sounds, looking to Sakura and Temari for help. Temari gave a snort that indicated there would be no way she was ever going to help, while Sakura let out yet another sigh and spoke up "Ino does like peanuts, but just not abnormally so, that's all."
Tsunade whipped around to face the pathetic mess that had attempted to defend the peanut traitor. "SHE IS A FOLLOWER OF THE PEANUT! She has to abnormally like peanuts! That's the point!" She yelled forcefully, causing Sakura to shrink back somewhat and even Temari to let out a very uncharacteristic squeak of surprise.
"You're coming with me, you deserter!" The nurse announced and, in one swift albeit unladylike movement, she picked Ino up from the bed and started out of the ward.
Ino was having none of it though and let out the most girly shriek known to womankind, wriggling and struggling in the insane woman's arms. "LET ME GO YOU RAPIST! I DON'T WANT TO DIE! LET ME GO!" Sadly, Tsunade was far stronger than the teen flailing about in her arms, and thus managed to pass through the doorway and into the corridor – even though Ino grabbed onto the doorframe in sheer desperation and wailed hysterically "SAVE ME YOU JUDAS'!" during the kidnap.
As Ino's screeches faded away, Temari straightened back up, brushed herself down and said, while looking remarkably calm and unfazed by the events that had just occurred, "Right, smashing, I'm off to tell everyone about the snake man's breasts. Later." And then promptly disappeared out of the ward too.
All was quiet.
She smiled. Ino would live...for awhile yet at least. The pink haired girl could afford a little shut eye after everything that had happened recently.
"Mmmmyyyyyy fffaaaaccceeeeeeeeeeeee..." Came an odd, sluggish voice.
Sakura turned her head to watch as Sasori writhed around a bit in his bed, blamed something on 'all those idiotic firemen' and then began gurgling very, very loudly.
"Oh, for God's sake!" The kunochi exclaimed angrily, quickly hopping out of her bed. "Screw this, I'm off to find Naruto." With that said, she also vacated the ward area, leaving Sasori and his rotting face very much alone.
"He's come to live with us, Sasuke-kun."
"But he has glasses."
"I love glasses."
"Noddy wants him to stay."
Sasuke scowled, eyes darting to the freakish, twisted doll in the corner of the Underwater Lair. "Fine! But he has to stay out of my way, I don't want my training to be compromised."
Kabuto gave a bow. "I won't get in your way, I promise. I just want to help Orochimaru as best I can. He has some fantastic plans for this world."
Sasuke gave the white haired man a very long look, a look that said 'Orochimaru has anything but fantastic plans', and then turned to leave the lair. "Whatever, I don't really care anyway."
Orochimaru beamed, almost literally as light seemed to emanate from him in every direction, and gave Kabuto an affectionate punch in the nose. Kabuto laughed merrily as blood dribbled from his nostrils. "Oh, Orochimaru, you're so funny!" The two suddenly swung into a dramatic embrace and Sasuke, wide eyed, quickly left the lair.
He had to train as fast as possible in order to gain better control of the Cursed Eel and then he could again fight against his brother! It would also mean leaving the fish tank, which was becoming an increasingly pressing matter after the frightening exchange between Orochimaru and Kabuto he'd witnessed.
Author's Notes: Has anybody else noticed how whenever the Doctor arrives in a new place, he randomly starts molesting walls? Or is it just me? Anyway, yes, it would seem Doctor Who is now added to Orochimaru's list of acquaintances, along with Kabuto who thinks the crazy snake man is an ideal idol to look up to. God save us all.
Hopefully the next update will be sooner! :)
Thanks for all the reviews, they're utterly smashing and I too, like Orochimaru, beam light out from my general direction whenever I see one. :D