Author: buggerfck PM
One fateful day, Dwight Schrute learns the news of Albus Dumbledore's sexuality. Chaos ensues. Set between Money and Local Ad slight Jam, Dwangela, and Harry Potter spoilers. :]Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor - Words: 1,327 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 24 - Published: 11-15-07 - Status: Complete - id: 3894095
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Sad, isn't it.
A/N: This takes place during Season Four, between Money and Local Ad. No spoilers beyond that, though there are a few Harry Potter spoilers here and there. Nothing too bad, though. You should be safe. :)
The day IT happened, Dwight Schrute went through his morning routine like he did every day.
He woke up at 6:47 AM, one minute before the sun rose, reached for Angela, remembered, and moaned. After three minutes of moaning, he promptly rose from his bed at 6:50 AM, changed into his farm clothes, woke Mose, and tended to the beets for forty-five minutes. At 7:35 AM, he took a twenty-minute shower, and at precisely eight o'clock in the morning, he left for work. He arrived at Dunder Mifflin at 8:29 AM (four minutes behind schedule, damn the traffic) and was, as usual, the first one in the office.
He had already sold 23 reams of paper to a small law firm in the middle of town when Jim and Pam walked in the door at 9:02 AM. Like every morning, Dwight said superciliously, without looking at the couple, as he thought of them, "You're late."
Pam rolled her eyes and took her seat behind the receptionists' desk as Jim said cheerfully, "Good morning, Dwight." Dwight scoffed.
Angela walked in at 9:12 AM, but Dwight ignored her, despite the clenching feeling in his stomach.
Same old, same old.
I really need to shave, Dwight thought.
The rest of Dwight's inferiors trickled in as the ninth hour of the day poured into the tenth. Michael finally came in 9:59 AM. Dwight greeted him enthusiastically, Michael made a joke, and Dwight diligently returned to his work.
It was a quiet morning in the office – not wholly unusual, but not normal either. Jim didn't say a word all morning, either to Pam, to a customer, or to Dwight himself, which was very odd. Dwight could not fathom why Jim was so silent – even when Jim was depressed, he still made a tasteless joke or two. Finally, at 11:36 AM, Dwight could not take the silence anymore, so he turned to Jim and said bluntly, "Question: did you and Pam separate?"
Jim answered at 11:36 AM and thirty seconds; two minutes later, Dwight's life would never be the same again.
Jim furrowed his brow and glanced at Pam, who was on the phone, taking a message for Stanley. "No," Jim said with a small chuckle. "Why would you think that?"
"You haven't spoken for two hours and thirty four minutes. The longest you've ever gone without talking was one hour and twelve minutes, which was the morning after the booze cruise, which was the night Roy set the date for his and Pam's wedding. I can conclude from this that you only remain silent in the morning after an emotional upheaval concerning Pam; therefore, you and Pam have separated, or something equally drastic has happened to the two of you." Dwight paused. "Is she pregnant?" he asked conspiratorially.
"Ohh-kay," Jim breathed, trying to maintain control of himself. "You're kind of freaking me out, but I guess you're right, in a way. Not about Pam, though," he added hurriedly. After a moment, he sighed dramatically and said, "I guess… it's taking me longer to get over the news than I thought."
From the desk, Pam called out reassuringly, "It's still not as bad as you think, Jim!" He smiled sadly at her.
"News?" Dwight demanded. "What news?"
Jim's eyes widened. "You mean you don't know?"
Dwight glared at him. "What news, Jim?"
Jim sighed again, opened his mouth to speak, and closed it, shaking his head. Dwight started tapping one finger repeatedly on his keyboard. Jim resigned himself and said hesitantly, "Dwight, when was the last time you checked Mugglenet?"
Dwight shrugged and said, "Not since Helena Bonham Carter was confirmed as Bellatrix for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood –" His eyes narrowed. "Wait. Why? And since when do you go to Mugglenet?"
Jim only said ominously, "I think you should check it."
Before Jim finished his sentence, Dwight had already opened in his Internet browser (it was his homepage, after all). He ignored the familiar header and found the first news story. "'More info revealed from Jo's reading in NYC,'" Dwight read, unimpressed.
Jim nodded sadly. "That's the one."
Dwight raised an eyebrow, highly skeptical, and read the story. "'2,000 lucky fans had the opportunity', blah blah blah, 'the most notable news of the night was the revelation –'"
Jim sighed. "Yes."
Dwight looked at him, horrified. "No!"
Jim nodded again. "Yes, Dwight."
"No! It's not possible!"
"Dwight. Your worst nightmare has become a reality." Jim looked Dwight straight in the eyes. From the receptionist's desk, Dwight heard a smothered giggle. "Albus Dumbledore was gay and in love with Gellert Grindelwald."
"NO!" Dwight shrieked as he jumped out of his seat. "IT'S NOT POSSIBLE! NOT – POSSIBLE!" He pulled at his hair and started pacing around the office nervously as the entire office, with the exception of Angela, stopped what they were doing and gaped at Dwight, who, apparently, had finally gone crazy. Kevin surreptitiously slipped Oscar twenty dollars. "You win this round," he grumbled, and Oscar smirked. "But I still think we're gonna catch Jim and Pam going at it in the break room someday." Angela rolled her eyes and concentrated fiercely on her computer screen.
At the same time, Michael burst out of his office with a look of panicked curiosity on his face. He saw Dwight pacing, slumped, and said wearily, "Dwight, what the hell are you doing?"
Dwight immediately ran over to Michael and grasped his shoulders. "Michael, please," he pleaded desperately. "Please tell me it's not true. Please,please tell me it's not true!"
Michael looked confused and slightly affronted. "What's not true?"
"Dumbledore's gay, Michael," Jim supplied from his desk.
Annoyed, Michael set his jaw and snapped, "Is that it?" He wrangled himself free of Dwight's piercing grip. "Come on, Dwight! How could you not see that coming? He wears dresses, for Christ's sake! Don't be such a nerd, you idiot." He returned to his office without another word. A strange choking noise emanated from within; Jim glanced at Pam and raised his eyebrow. "I don't think he's checked Mugglenet lately either," Pam whispered, and Jim coughed, the corners of his mouth twitching.
A single tear ran down Dwight's cheek at precisely 11:41 AM. "No," he whispered, more hurt than a child who just saw his puppy run over by three pick-up trucks in a row. He sat back down at his desk slowly. "Not Dumbledore," he begged the ceiling. "Anyone but Dumbledore.Anyone."
"I bet you're a closet Remus/Sirius shipper, aren't you, Dwight?" Jim muttered under his breath, barely containing a chuckle. Fortunately Dwight didn't hear him, because at the same time, Andy laughed disdainfully and said, "Jesus, Dwight, it's not like the dude'sdead or anything! My frickin' god, pull yourself –"
"DUMBLEDORE IS DEAD, YOU FILTHY, IGNORANT MUDBLOOD!" Dwight yelled fiercely. Losing all control, he leapt from his chair and dashed crazily through the office and into the break room, where he flung himself into one of the bathrooms, tears streaming down his cheeks the whole way.
There was a tangible silence in the office after Dwight's departure. Then, Pam said dubiously, "Did he… just go into the women's restroom?"
At 12:01 PM, Jim and Pam were still snickering, while the rest of the office had gone back to work as if nothing had happened.
Business as usual.