DISCLAIMER: If I owned Bleach, I’d clean my sink. (Ha ha, that’s not funny.)

I’ve always wanted to be known as The Great Overseer, and I never knew it until now.

0: INTO TO THE D SQUAD

MEMBERS:

code name: Douchebag

real name: Sousuke Aizen

position:Captain

real name: Ulquiorra Schiffer

position:First Mate

real name: Kaname Tousen

position:Lookout

real name: Noi- Nnoi- Noi- Whatever Jiruga

position:Fashion Consultant

real name: Isshin Kurosaki

position:Medic

real name: Keigo Asano

position:Janitor, Gopher

real name: -currently accepting applications-

position:Cook

1: WELCOME TO THE D SQUAD

It is a gorgeous day somewhere else entirely as Captain Douchebag and his First Mate make their way carefully across the deck of an eighteenth-century pirate ship that has no business in the world ofBleach but will serve as the setting of this story anyway.

First Mate Dipshit followed a respectable distance behind Douchebag, and were this a visual medium, he would be surrounded by a background of sparkles and lens flares and puppies and kitties and unicorns and rainbows and other such nonsense. However, as this is not a visual medium, he is merely surrounded by rain, dark clouds, thunder, lightning, and pirate ship.

Captain Douchebag pauses by the Crow’s Nest and grips a rope to keep from flying away. Dipshit is unable to grab onto the rope in time and is forced to hang on to Captain Douchebag’s waist for support.

That’s his story and he’s stickin’ to it.

“Dickweed! What do you see?” Captain Douchebag calls up.

Dickweed, his patience already frayed by the storm and his awful nickname, snaps and turns to him, clenching his fist angrily. “Nothing, obviously! In case you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of blind!” he calls back. “Whose brilliant idea was it for ME to be the lookout, anyway?”

“’Tis the will of The Great Overseer! It amuses her!”

“Tell The Great Overseer to kiss my black ass!”

Douchebag releases the rope and flies into the kitchen door. His fall is broken by a large pile of filthy dishes and Dipshit. “Well, now,” he said, “Where is Dumbass? It’s his job to do all the menial labor on this rather large and poorly maintained vessel!”

“I believe Dr. Daddy is treating him for chemical burns,” Dipshit reports, doing his best to sound important and not succeeding very well. “Apparently, using lye to clean the flush toilets that have no place aboard this eighteenth-century pirate ship (which in and of itself has no place in the world of Bleach) wasn’t a very good idea.”

Douchebag glares at Dipshit. “Are you questioning my judgment?”

Dipshit is shocked but unable to show it. “No, sir, Captain Douchebag, sir,” he monotones.

“Good boy.”

The pair takes the back door out of the kitchen and into the corridor leading to the rest of the rooms on the ship. Wind, rain, and Ocean Spray are blowing in through the holes which riddle the side of the ship.

“What gets bigger the more you take away from it?” the holes ask the side of the ship.

“A hole,” the side of the ship answers.

A drop of Ocean Spray lands on Douchebag’s mouth and he licks it off, grimacing. “I hate cranberry juice,” he explains to Dipshit, who already knew that.

“Yes, sir, Captain Douchebag, sir,” Dipshit monotones.

“Stop agreeing with everything I say. Sometimes it’s wise to question the judgment of your superiors.”

Dipshit is confused.

“HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I’M ON FIRE!”

“Then hold still and let me pour this vinegar on you,” the ship’s medic, Dr. Daddy, says, pulling the thick leather restraints tighter across Dumbass’ midsection.

“HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I’M ON FIRE!”

“So I hear,” Dr. Daddy says, turning over the gallon jug of vinegar he was holding so it pours over Dumbass’ forearms. Dumbass shuts up immediately. “Good boy,” Dr. Daddy says distractedly, wringing vinegar out of his pants. There has got to be a cleaner way to do this, he thinks.

There’s a knock on the door and Dr. Daddy calls: “Go away, I’m busy killing someone!”

“It’s the Captain, Doctor!” Douchebag calls through the door.

“You’ll notice he never identifies himself by his codename,” Dr. Daddy says to Dumbass, who is unconscious and foaming at the mouth. “I think he may be embarrassed by it. It’s open!” This last is called loud enough for Douchebag to hear him through the heavy metal plating of the infirmary door.

“I’ve never understood why this ship has lead doors,” Douchebag says conversationally as he enters the room.

“Same reason it has flush toilets: this fic doesn’t make any freakin’ sense.”

“Ah.” Douchebag whacks Dumbass upside the head with a paper fan he borrowed from Genjo Sanzo’s fifth dimension. A rubber ducky lands on the deck. “Wake up! You have dishes to clean!”

Dumbass jumps up and runs out of the room.

“He really shouldn’t get his arms wet for several weeks,” Dr. Daddy muses, not caring whether or not anyone is listing to him.

“I don’t care,” Douchebag says, heading for the door. “Dipshit! Let’s go!”

“Bye!” Dr. Daddy calls cheerfully after them. “Oh, and Dipshit! Like I tell you everyday: don’t get any life-threatening injuries or illnesses, because I won’t treat you.”

“Is anything going to happen this chapter?” Dipshit asks Douchebag as they head to their next destination.

“Yes, there are going to be a lot of loosely connected gags that tie the story together.”

“Okay.”

“Welcome to my Garden of Manliness!” Drag Queen says flamboyantly as Douchebag and Dipshit enter his portion of the ship, for no reason other than to set up another joke and introduce one last character. “Would you like a free hair-washing, Captain?” he asks, holding up a bottle of shampoo.

Douchebag recoils. “You get that evil thing away from me!” he snaps.

From somewhere offstage, Vincent Valentine calls “You tell ‘im, Douche!”

The shampoo disappears and Drag Queen bows Douchebag and Dipshit into the room. “Allow me to offer you some- You know what? Screw this.” Drag Queen crosses his arms and stomps his foot petulantly. “Why do I have to be the flamer? Ulquiorra is more of an chick than I am!”

From somewhere offstage, The Great Overseer calls: “Codenames only, please!”

“Kiss my ass!”

“Dickweed asked first!”

From down the corridor, Dr. Daddy called: “End chapter!”

Next time in The Adventures of the D Hyphen Squad!

Ichigo: The D-Squad hires their seventh member, Dildo!

Review or you will be eaten by aardvarks.

Ichigo: Can I go home now?