1This is a series of one shots written for Soap Fan Fiction, link in my bio.

More Than a Memory- Greenlee Smythe Du Pres

I wake from the dream, still feeling her arms around me, to find I am staring into my own darkened bedroom and not her eyes.

It has been 267 days since I last hugged Kendall. Most mornings when I wake up I tell myself to be grateful for what I have- Aiden sleeping next to me each night, my company, my health, and lets not forget I am not behind bars like I almost ended up when Kendall framed me for kidnapping.

I'm barely thirty, in the prime of my freaking life. I look good in a bathing suit still. I own stock in Fortune 500 companies and can buy as many pairs of designer high heels as I want. What more could a girl ask for, right?

But I'm selfish. I'm greedy. I'm a taker. I want more, more, more- what should be mine, what is right. I want a baby in my arms. I want Kendall by my side the day I first hold my daughter. The surrogate is six months pregnant now.

I want and I want, and I ache and I ache. But she is still gone. I see her in town. She speaks to everyone I know. Our father, our stepsister, the man we both loved once, Ryan...she speaks to me at work, but that doesn't count.

I want to hate her. I did hate her for a while there. I hated her from the top of her lovely head of hair to the bottom of her perfectly manicured toes. And her hubby- I want him dead. Air is too good for that bastard.

All in all, Aiden says it is good this way. We are cival with Zach and Kendall. That is more than we could be right after they got me arrested on trumped up charges. But cival, well, that is a far cry from the sisterhood I crave with her. She belongs to me; I belong to her.

Sometimes I dream of killing Zach Slater. Sometimes I dream of forgiving Kendall, and her forgiving me. Sometimes I dream that we both have two babies- boys for her, girls for me. And in those dreams she never wanted me to rot in a prison cell, and I never wanted to steal her son. In those dreams, she still loves me, and I can say, aloud, "I love you," to her.

People say she's only in my head
It's gonna take time but I'll forget
They say I need to get on with my life
They don't realize-

is when you're
dailing six numbers just to hang up the phone,
Driving cross town just to see if she's home,
Waking a friend in the dead of night just to hear him say it's gonna be alright.

When you find the things to do not to fall asleep
Cause you know she'll be there in your dreams

That's when she's
more than a memory

I will have a child of my own soon, hopefully with Aiden's eyes and my fashion sense. My daughter will not call Kendall Auntie. She will not ever see the bond we shared. She won't have playdates with her cousins Spike and Ian. All those things are just be fanstasies in my head as 267 turns into 268 days that I have not hugged Kendall.

Took a match to everything she ever wrote
Watched her words go up in smoke

Tore all the pictures off the wall
ain't helping me at all

Cause when you're talking out loud and nobody's there
You look like hell and you just don't care

Drinking more than you ever drank
and sinking down lower than you ever sank

When you find yourself falling down upon your knees
Praying to God and begging him please

That's when she's more than a memory

She's more...

She's more...

Aiden sleeps next to me. I hate to wake him up but he's used to it by now. If I don't wake him then I will probably end up running out the door, jumping in my car and driving past her place to see if the light is on, wondering if she is up drinking tea and thinking about how we messed this whole thing up.

But I know it is just a fantasy to think she misses me like I miss her. In every cell of my body, in my heart, my blood, my bones...I miss Kendall and I don't expect to ever stop.

I see her everyday. But its just not the same.
Shaking Aiden's shoulder, I wait for his eyes to open and then say. "I had that dream again. Maybe I should call her."

He pulls me close, so that my back rest snugly against him. His arm wraps around my stomach, and he buries his face in my hair. "You can't call her at 4 am. Go to sleep, luv."

I close my eyes. The clock ticks, another minute gone by.

Into the blackness of the night, I whisper "I want her back."

"I know you do."

He doesn't say more. He doesn't have to. I can want her back every second of every day, but that doesn't mean she will ever come back to me. She's my best friend, my sister, she's in my heart, and nothing changes that. So I do the only thing I can now- after I have begged and screamed and raged at her about how wrong this all is- I wait.

People say she's only in my head
It's gonna take time but I'll

forget

Garth Brooks lyrics.