Monty:

Dead Parrot

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Monty chuckled happily as he dusted the counter of his new pet-shop. When he had come to the dimension he had planned to drive men mad using spam. Instead, he decided to open a pet-shop. They were the same thing, really… right?

Monty heard someone coming near and quickly hid behind the cash-register. Into the shop walked two blonde twins named Zack and Cody, carrying a bird-cage. They walked up to the counter and seemingly saw Monty, as Zack said, "Excuse me, miss?"

Monty stood up, taking a puff from a cigarette. "What you mean, 'miss?'" He asked. Zack looked Monty over. "I'm sorry, I have a cold." He said. "Anyways, we want to make a complaint." Cody added.

"Sorry, we're closing for lunch—." Monty said, but was interrupted by Zack. "Never mind that!" He said. "Look, we have a complaint about this parrot we bought from this pet-shop just thirty minutes ago." Cody said.

"Oh, yes; the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it?" Monty asked cheerfully. Zack stared back at him, obviously not as cheerful. "I'll tell you what's wrong with it." He said. "It's dead, that's what's wrong with it."

Monty shook his head and pointed at the cage. "No, it's resting, look." He said. "Hey, I know a dead parrot when I see one…" Cody said as he held the bird-cage up and looked at the parrot inside that was lying on its back, "and I'm looking at one right now!"

"No, no; it's not dead, it's resting." Monty said again, pointing at the bird. "Resting?" Zack repeated. "Yeah." Monty confirmed with a nod. "Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue; beautiful plumage, isn't it?"

"The plumage has nothing to do with it!" Cody yelled. "It's still dead!" "No, no; it's resting!" Monty insisted with an eager nod.

"Alright, then." Zack said, putting the bird-cage on the counter. "If it's resting, I'll wake it up!" He put his face close to the bars and yelled into the cage, "Hello, Polly! I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up, Polly Parrot!"

Monty suddenly shoved the cage. "There, it moved." He said. "No, it didn't!" Cody yelled. "That was you pushing the cage!" "I did not!" "Yes, you did!" Zack yelled. Then, he reached into the cage and pulled out the bird. He then put the cage down on the floor.

"Hello, Polly!" He yelled, holding the bird's ear near his mouth. "POL-LY!" He hit the bird against the counter a couple times and waved it around in the air before yelling to it again. "POLLY!" He then tossed the bird into the air and it fell to the ground.

"Now, that's what I call a dead parrot." Cody said. "No, no; it's stunned." Monty said. "Look, I've had just about enough of this!" Zack yelled. "That parrot is definitely deceased! And when we bought it thirty minutes ago you told us that its lack of movement was because it was tired and shagged out after a long squat."

"It's pining for the Fjords." Monty argued. "Pining for the Fjords? What's that nonsense?" Cody asked. "Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment we got home?"

"The Norwegian Blue prefers sleeping on its back!" Monty explained. "It's a beautiful bird; lovely plumage."

"Look, I examined that parrot…" Cody said. "And I found out the only reason it was sitting on its perch in the first place was because it had been nailed there."

Monty laughed, as if this were all a joke. "Of course it was nailed there; otherwise it would muzzle up to those bars, and BOOM!"

"Look, mister…" Zack said as he bent down, picked up the bird, and showed it to Monty. "This parrot wouldn't BOOM! if we put 4,000 volts through it. It's stinking dead."

Monty shook his head. "It's not, it's—it's pining!" "It's not pining, it's passed on!" Zack yelled, losing his patience. "This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late parrot! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch it would be pushing up daisies! It's run down the curtain and gone to join the choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!"

Monty stared at the Norwegian Blue for several seconds. "Well, I guess I'd better replace it, then." He said casually, turning to check on something. Zack smiled as he set the parrot down on the counter.

"Sorry, we're right out or parrots." Monty said, turning back to the twins. "Oh, I see." Zack said angrily. "I see. I get the picture."

"I've got a slug." Monty suddenly said. The twins turned to face him, confused. "Does it talk?" Cody asked, annoyed. "Not really; no." Monty answered, shaking his head. "Then it's not much of a replacement, is it?" Cody asked.

"Look, I'll tell you what." Monty said as he took out a business card. "If you go to my brother's pet-shop in Essex, he'll replace your parrot for you." "Essex?" Cody repeated. Monty nodded in confirmation.

Cody nodded as he picked up the parrot and left the cage on the floor. "Alright; uh… thanks?" He said, confused. The two twins left the pet-shop and headed for the subway.

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A SIMILAR PET SHOP IN ESSEX, MASS:

Zack and Cody entered the similar-looking pet shot in Essex and, as soon as they entered, they realized it looked exactly the same. The twins walked up to the counter and Zack picked a bird cage up off the floor, confused. The man behind the counter even looked exactly like Monty with a false mustache.

"Uh…" Cody began, confused. "This is Essex, isn't it?" "No, no." Monty's brother answered casually. "It's Boston."

Zack and Cody looked at each other angrily. "Well… that's the subway for you." Cody said as the two brothers marched out of the pet shop.

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SUBWAY COMPLAINT STATION:

The two twins walked up to the officer in charge of the complaint department, who was sitting behind his desk and whistling cheerfully.

"Excuse me, but we'd like to make a complaint." Cody said politely. 'I don't have to work here, you know!" The officer suddenly blurted out. The twins looked around in confusion, to see if the officer was talking to someone else. "Dude, what?" Zack asked.

"I'm a qualified brain-surgeon!" The officer continued ranting to the twins. "I only work here because I like being my own boss!" "What does that have to do with anything?" Zack asked. "Nothing, really." The officer admitted. "It's just hard to fill these things to at least four pages."

"Look, we have a complaint." Cody said impatiently. "We got on the rail to Essex and found ourselves still in Boston!" The officer shook his head. "No, this is Essex." He said cheerfully.

Zack and Cody looked at each other in shock. "The pet shop owner's brother lied!" Cody exclaimed. "You can't blame us for that!" The officer said with a smile. The twins irritably made their way back to the pet shop.

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A LITTLE LATER, LIMITED:

Zack and Cody walked up to the counter of the pet shop, behind which Monty's brother was hiding. "Hey, guess what." Zack said angrily as Monty's brother popped up. "This is Essex."

"… Yeah?" Monty's brother responded in a slight confusion. "You told us it was Boston, you freak!" Zack exploded angrily.

Monty's brother shrugged awkwardly. "It was a pun." He said. The twins stared at him in shock and confusion. "No, no—not a pun!" Monty's brother decided. "What's the other thing which reads the same backwards as forwards?" "A palindrome?" Cody defined. "Yeah, that's it!" Monty's brother said with a nod.

"That's not a palindrome; the palindrome of Boston would be Notsob!" Cody exclaimed. "It doesn't work!"

Monty's brother shrugged. "Look, what do you want?" He asked finally. "Look, I'm sorry!" Cody exclaimed. "We're out of here! This whole thing's getting too weird!"

"Look, if you don't want a replacement parrot, you can leave; I've got customers waiting." Monty's brother said angrily. "Not my fault if you Americans can't take a bloody joke."

"Are you even certified to run a pet-shop?" Cody asked. "Of course!" Monty's brother declared. "I've got a certificication! I'm a certificicied baker—pet-shop owner!" "Where's this certificate, than?" Cody asked.

"Okay, you caught me!" Monty's brother declared as he pulled off his mustache, revealing Monty. "I never wanted to be a pet-shop owner, don't you understand? But no, when you put too much money in internet stocks, this is what happens! I tried to make money growing beavers, but I'm no good at farming! I wanted to be a… a lumberjack!"

Monty tore off his overcoat, revealing a lumberjack's outfit. "Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Colombia!" Monty declared as the lights began dimming. "The Fir! The Larch! The Redwood! The mighty Scots Pine!"

Zack and Cody looked around in confusion as a backdrop of a lake in a forest rolled down over the back wall. A spotlight shown down on Monty as he faced some unseen group and gave his dramatic speech. There was the sound of a choir singing as a group of Mounties walked in.

"The plucky little Aspen! The great limping rude tree of Nigeria!" Monty continued. "The smell of fresh-cut timber! The crash of mighty trees! With my best gal by my side, we'd sing, SING..." A frail, adoring blonde seemed to come out of nowhere, cling to his side, and look into his eyes adoringly. A fanfare struck and the twins simply stared on at the strange sight.

Monty:

Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay!
I sleep all night and I work all day.

Mounties:

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay!
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

Monty:

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
and have buttered scones for tea.

Mounties:

He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
he goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'
and has buttered scones for tea.

All:

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day!

Monty:

I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
and hang around in bars!

Mounties:

He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
he likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
and hangs around in bars?

There was a brief, confused pause at what Monty had just said, but everyone, including Zack and Cody, picked right back up.

All:

...He's a lumberjack, and he's okay!
He sleeps all night and he works all day!

Monty:

I cut down trees, I wear high heels,
suspenders and a bra!
I wish I'd been a girlie,
just like my dear papa!

Mounties:

He cuts down trees, he wears... high heels?
Suspenders... and a bra?

The music cut off and Monty seemed to be the only one still singing. "Wants to be a girlie?" One of the Mounties repeated in shock. "Pink commie fairy!" Monty attempted to strike a majestic pose, but it was no use.

"Oh, Bevis! And I thought you were so RUGGED!" The girl cried as she ran off in tears. The Mounties all marched off, disgusted. "Yeah… we're gonna leave now… freak." Zack said as the twins turned and left. Monty shrugged and continued singing.

Monty:

I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK!

I sleep all night and I work all DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

---

Dear Monty,

I wish to complain on the strongest possible terms about your latest doomsday plan. Your acting made a mockery of lumberjacks everywhere. Some of my best friends are lumberjacks, and only a few of them are transvestites.

Yours truly,

Tobi

Monty tore up the letter in disgust; this Tobi person wasn't the boss of him! Wasn't he from that world he had gone to when this terrible series first began? It had been two-and-a-half years since he had been there… hmm…