Author: italianvampiremafia PM
Compiled list of "Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 5 - Words: 8,988 - Reviews: 56 - Favs: 48 - Follows: 24 - Updated: 04-07-08 - Published: 11-23-07 - Status: Complete - id: 3908810
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclamer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters, terms, items, animals or spells used in this fan fic. I also, unfortunately, do not own Pikachu. Or the song 'milkshake'. Or Yoda. Yes, this is a list idea that has been around for a while and some of these I got off of other's lists and tweaked them BUT i just thought that if I was going to write a fic where a girl does these i should put the list up first. And the icons of some of these were AFTER I actually put all of these together in one place and wrote a lot of them so NO i didn't get them off those icons; however I DID make some icons myself.
A/N: I put this together before I found out Dumbledore was gay so excuse the Dumbledore/McGonagall references, but they are still funny.
1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".
2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".
4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
5. I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.
6. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
7. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".
8. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
9. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
10. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
11. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.
12. Adding the name "Bueller" to Professor Binns' roster is not funny.
13. "Spring-time for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
14. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".
15. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".
16. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".
17. The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror."
18. It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "Once you go Black, you never go back."
19. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
20. I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as "Kitchen Stadium".
21. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.
22. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.
23. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
24. I do not weigh the same as a duck.
25. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
26. I will not lick Trevor.
27. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
28. Calling Lucius Malfoy "Luscious Mouthful" is just plain gross.
29. I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".
30. I am not a Pinball Wizard.
31. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
32. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
33. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"
34. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
35. I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they are real animals.
36. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "the force"
37. Must refrain from eating fellow students. Even if they are eatable, it is frowned upon in most societies.
38. I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine"
39. Ron Weasley will not appreciate being called "boy wonder." And he definitely does not want to wear green tights.
40. I am not allowed to bother Snape, and Dumbledore does not have "nakie time."41. Voldemort does not appreciate being called "voldie poo"
42. Under no circumstances am I to attempt to create a Holy Hand Grenade.
43. I will not Polyjuice myself and a friend to look like Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, then give each other passionate kisses in public.
44. Replying every question that Professor Lupin asks with, "Are you fucking Sirius?" is not funny, not even the first time.
45. "Beaters do it with Wood" is not funny, even if the only people who aren't laughing are the Weasley twins and Oliver.
46. I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"
47. I will not teach the veela the lyrics to "Oops, I Did It Again" even if they ask nicely.
48. Lucius Malfoy's cane is not a 'pimp cane' and I should stop asking if I can be his ho.
49. Stop asking Hannah Abbot if her milkshake brings boys to the yard.
50. Getting my little brother to record his latest thrash masterpiece on a Howler so I can listen to it is a good idea in theory, but not in actuality.
51. I do not have a Pikachu Patronus, no matter how kickass that would be. [A/N: that would be insanely kick-ass
52. I will not refer to house elves as "self-disciplining submissives".
53. If a classmate is jingling the change in his pockets, I will not laugh at him for "playing with his Knuts".
54. Despite the fact that it takes place in a dungeon, I may not safeword out of Potions class.
55. Singing "If I Were a Rich Man" around the Weasleys is rude.
56. I may not sell Umbridge's quill to emo students, especially if they're no good at poetry.
57. Changing my name to Mary-Sue does not guarantee me hook-up rights with anyone I please.
58. Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.
59. Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.
60. Providing Engorgio charms to students that are... lacking... before the Winter Ball will make your Head of House most displeased.
61. "You might be a pureblood if..." jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.
62. The condition of Professor Snape's hair has nothing to do with the Muggle movie "There's Something About Mary."
63. Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, 'Avada Kedavra' does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights.
64. Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Thompson, or any other fake house is forbidden. [A/N: Thompson will be the girl's last name when and if I make this list into an actual fan fiction
65. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
66. I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "Voldie's Angels".
67. I will not convince the house elves to unionize.
68. The Muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to or working for Lord Voldemort in any way, and I am to stop insinuating that he is.
69. There are spoons. I will not destroy, transfigure, disappear or rename the cutlery so that there are no spoons.
70. I am not to owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.
71. I am not a sloth Animagus.
72. I will not send shampoo to Snape's office, no matter how badly he needs it.
73. Naughty jokes regarding "Moaning" Myrtle are only funny the first time.
74. Singing "Slytherins are Sexier" in Potion's class will not get me extra points.
75. Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Deatheaters.
76. Screaming "VOLDEMORT!" in crowded hallways is not classy and will make my proffessors angry with me.
77. Stealing Draco's underwear and selling it on Ebay to horny fangirls is not ethical, nor profitable (note to self: Steal Potter's underwear instead).
78. I will not refer to Ron Weasley as "that red-headed twit" in polite company (impolite company is just fine).
79. The "I Hate Snape" Club is not a valid after-class activity.
80. Making Harry Potter action figures without his permission is wrong. Making Draco Malfoy pay double for them is also wrong.
81. I will not tell Grawp that "Hermy" will give him a kiss if he eats certain members of the faculty.
82. "Potter 6, Voldemort 0", is not a valid T-shirt slogan
83. Writing sexy love letters to Professor Dumbledore, signed by "Your Kitten", is not an ethical means to skip Transfiguration class (though it is effective).
84. I will not address the Professor with a loud "Heil Umbridge!" and accompanying salute.
85. Having Colin and Dennis Creevy follow Harry Potter all day is cruel and unusual punishment.
86. I will not sell pennies as priceless, Muggle collector coins.
87. Asking Professor Snape to show you how to make a love potion is not recommended.
88. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony."
89. A good way to piss Hermione off: Write "Hermione Granger was here" on multiple library books, thereby banning her from the library.
90. Dobby, even though he apparently went to grammar school with him, is NOT Yoda in disguise.
91. Telling the first years about the time your friend got eaten by the giant squid is NOT appropriate. Ever.
92. I will stop charming Professor Snape's robes to bright purple (or any bright color for that matter).
93. Mail-order dinosaurs are NOT good birthday presents for Hagrid. No matter how much of a discount you get on them.
94. "Quidditch Players Do It in the Air" broom stickers are not allowed.
95. Shaving Mrs. Norris is not a public service.
96. Asking Professor Flitwick if there is a charm to remove clothes, or give you x-ray vision, is not permitted.
97. First years are not toys; I should not teach the Giant Squid to fetch them.
98. Yelling "to infinity, and BEYOND!" is only funny the first time you ride a broom.
99. I will not call my wand "an elegant weapon for a more civilized world".
100. I will not add, "according to the prophecy" at the end of all my sentences to raise my Divination grade.
Extra thing I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts..
Harry Potter and Edward Cullen are not having an affair. And telling Bella Swan or Ginny Weasley this may physically or emotinoaly hurt me.
In referance to the book Twilight by Stephanie Meyer.
Shall I make another chapter? I have about 200 more of these :)
I am making this into a fanfic where a character actually does all of these!