|Harry Potter and it's a Hufflepuff Omniverse
Author: Clell65619 PM
Harry is sent to a alternate reality by a petulant Tom Riddle, and the Hufflepuff Collective isn't happy about it at all.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Harry P. - Chapters: 5 - Words: 16,175 - Reviews: 162 - Favs: 227 - Follows: 287 - Updated: 05-05-11 - Published: 11-24-07 - id: 3909926
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: I own none of this. I do not own Harry Potter or any rights to his image or personality. I do not own the moon or the stars. I do not own human genders, other than my own personal original factory equipment. Honest. Nope, not me. I most certainly do not own the rights to a billion dollar literary work.
A/N2: Be forewarned, this fic remains particularly silly and should not be taken seriously. In this chapter Harry, still on the run from the Hufflepuffs finds himself in the core reality 6th year. Of course no good deed goes unpunished and Harry once again finds his pasty behind in the Hufflepuff's sights. Who knew Susan Bones could be quite so scary?
Harry Potter and It's a Hufflepuff Omniverse
Fixing what went wrong –or- Step away from the Hero!
"We won!" yelled Ron, bounding into sight and brandishing the silver Cup at Harry. "We won! Four hundred and fifty to a hundred and forty! We won!"
Harry looked around; there was Ginny running toward him; she had a hard, blazing look in her face as she threw her arms around him. And without thinking, without planning it, without worrying about the fact that fifty people were watching, Harry kissed her.
After several long moments — or it might have been half an hour — or possibly several sunlit days — they broke apart. The room had gone very quiet. Then several people wolf-whistled and there was an outbreak of nervous giggling. Harry looked over the top of Ginny's head to see
Dean Thomas holding a shattered glass in his hand, and Romilda Vane looking as though she might throw something. Hermione was beaming, but Harry's eyes sought Ron. At last he found him, still clutching the Cup and wearing an expression appropriate to having been clubbed over the head. For a fraction of a second they looked at each other, then Ron gave a tiny jerk of the head that Harry understood to mean, Well — if you must.
The creature in his chest roaring in triumph, he grinned down at Ginny.
excerpt from "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince" Chapter 24
Only to be smacked on the side of his head with a rolled up newspaper.
"No!" another smack of the newspaper, "No! Bad Harry, bad!"
The excitement died in his chest and Harry started looking for whoever it was that insisted on hitting him. Looking down he found his assailant… A younger version of himself… wearing his Triwizard robes?
"Wha?" he asked intelligently.
"Step away from the Ginger Girl!"
"Harry?" Ginny gasped looking back and forth between the two aspects of Harry Potter with an incredulous look on her face.
"You!" the younger Harry said while poking her in the chest with his rolled up newspaper and pushing her away. "Back away from the hero. Sure, you're hot now, but I've seen the future Toots, and I can't let you to that to me... him... us."
Ginny froze in place with a shocked look on her face. Little Harry thought she was hot? What did she do in the future that caused him to...
"What?" the older Harry asked. "What did she do? And how did you get here?"
"Look mate, you've seen Molly, right?" the fourteen year old asked. When his older self nodded the dimensional traveller continued. "Take Molly, add about another 10 stone over the next twenty years and stir in a heaping helping of crazy. THAT'S what she does."
The younger Harry suddenly found a wand pointed between his eyes.
"Who are you really?" Hermione Granger hissed, a look of fury on her face.
"Hermione!" he exclaimed happily, while slipping in side her guard to wrap the bushy haired girl in a hug. "I was so worried that you might be completely different," the boy murmured from between her breasts. "Nice perfume," he continued when he looked up grinning into her very confused eyes.
"Harry, buddy, mate," the younger Harry said while reaching out to grab a handful of his older aspect's robes and pulling him closer. "Hermione is the girl. Seriously. I've been in a dozen different universes, and it's almost always Hermione. How could it not be? She's smarter than us, she's always there for us, she has amazing breasts, and it turns out she's almost always kinky as hell," he pulled both the older students closer and continued in a stage whisper. "The last world I was on, she used a time turner and blindfolds to replicate herself six times so that she could have an intimate non cheating orgy with you... And with herself. 'Really advanced masturbation' she called it."
The older Potter aspect was shocked, "Hermione?"
"I would never..." she sputtered. "That wouldn't even work... the restrictions on time/space..."
"Oh, it worked alright, you kinky witch. I've never seen a happier Harry than that one. Hell, one of you found me and decided that I was a time traveler too and was about to answer all my dreams when that damned retrieval squad showed up. If it weren't for that, I'd still be there."
"Retrieval squad?" Ron asked, partially disappointed that his moment in the sun had been diverted by the arrival of this... little Harry, but mostly curious just what the hell was going on. "What's going on?"
"Oh, hello Ronald," the younger Harry said coldly.
"What?" the redhead asked in confusion. "What did I do?"
"What did you do?" the dimensional traveller asked incredulously. "Oh, nothing much, you just bagged Fleur and dumped your massive little crazy sister on me, you twat!"
"Harry, language!" Hermione exclaimed automatically.
"WHAT?" Ginny screeched.
"Fleur? And me?" Ron asked getting a dreamy look for a moment before sobering. "You're mental, Fleur is engaged to Bill."
"Yeah, like she would ever waste her time on an adrenaline junky like Bill," the boy scoffed. "And even if she is engaged to Bill, given the opportunity you'd snap her up in a second."
"Well, yeah," the redhead agreed as his imagination began filling in the blanks.
"What is going on in here?" Minerva McGonagall asked as she entered the common room. "It's far too quiet in here considering that you just won the Quidditch cup!" Bitter experience had taught the Deputy Headmistress that a quiet common room was on about to cause trouble.
Then the Scotswoman spotted the pair of Potters.
"I don't know what's going on here Professor!" the older Harry protested, "but I had nothing to do with it."
"Oh no," the younger Potter broke in while backing away from his Head of House with a look of panic in his eyes, "You're not getting me again."
"Who are you? And why are you dressed like that?" Minerva asked.
"No, no, no," Harry repeated his hands up as a defense against the older woman. "It took me weeks to forget you bouncing your boobies in my face! You just stay away from me."
Immediately a look of revulsion rolled through the common room as each Gryffindor suddenly got a mental image of their Head of House's boobies bouncing.
"He says he's a version of Harry, Professor," Hermione volunteered hesitantly, trying to drive that image from her mind. "He's made comments about the future and other universes. I think he might be a dimensional traveler."
"See?" The younger Harry said nudging his older aspect. "I told you she was smart. And don't forget kinky! Forget the ginger, go Team Bushy!"
Hermione wheeled on the younger version of her best friend, a look of fury in her eye. "Team Bushy?"
"Eep!" the 14 year old squeaked before moving to hide behind his older aspect.
"I think," Minerva said in an attempt to regain control of the situation, "that we might be best served by bringing this to the Headmaster's attention."
It was an odd parade that made its way from the Gryffindor common room to the Headmaster's office. Led by a clearly confused Minerva McGonagall, it consisted of an equally confused Hermione Granger, a lividly angry Ginny Weasley, a blissfully distracted Ron Weasley and not one but two Harry Potters.
One would think that attending a magical school where strange and wondrous things happen all the time would immunized the student body from being shocked by what they saw in the hallways of the school. This theory was quickly dashed by the appearance of two Harry Potters.
Of course the situation wasn't made any easier by the younger Harry's running commentary as they made their way to the Headmaster's office.
"... yeah, so my entire reality was erased," the Dimensional traveler explained bringing the assembled Gryffindors up to date with his story. "They said that the creator had probably gotten bored with it, and that it happened a lot. Anyway, the 'Puffs were going to put me into stasis to keep me from ending the universe or something, but as far as I could see, that was just another version of being shipped off to the Dursleys... Oh hi Daphne! Looking good!"
The Greengrass girl had been passing by in the hallway with her friend Tracey Davis and the pair had been studiously ignoring the parade of Gryffindors when the young boy actually spoke to her and in such a familiar way. She stopped in her tracks and stared at him.
"Hey Harry," the imp continued. "If Hermione doesn't do it for you, I have in on good authority that Daphne is an absolute minx in the sack."
Daphne gaped at the younger boy's receding back for a second before going for her wand only to be stopped by her friend Tracey.
"Calm down and listen," she hissed. "We might learn something important."
"Who the hell told you that?" Her classmate asked his younger self having stopped dead in the middle of the hall.
"Neville Longbottom," the smaller Potter replied. "Oh, not yours. One I met in another universe. He told me that he was your best mate since sixth year, and that you and Daphne got together after you killed Voldemort, then you turned down a marriage contract for her, seduced her by dazzling her with the Muggle world and ended up kidnapped her from a betrothal ceremony in front of the Wizengamot," younger Harry shrugged. "Nev said that she found that to be romantic or something. Then there was the universe where you and Daphne killed Voldemort and a bunch of his Deeters together when no one else would help you, and then she helped you fake your death so you could get away from a certain manipulative old coot as well as all the fan boys and girls. Either way, she's got a great ass, a fantastic rack, and sometimes she's willing to dress up like Laura Croft!."
Daphne watched as the larger boy slapped the back of his smaller aspect's head. "You are so full of it. Where do you come up with this stuff? Laura Croft? As it." and the pair restarted their trek to the Headmaster's office.
"Other universes?" Tracey asked incredulously. "Is the younger one supposed to be a dimensional traveler? I never believed that sort of thing actually happened."
"Hmm..." Daphne murmured. "Me and Potter?"
"Oh please, as if," Tracey scoffed derisively. "You'd have to kill the Weaslette first."
"Or maybe Granger from the way the little one was talking." Daphne said as the pair restarted their journey to the Library." After perhaps 10 more paces the girl began musing aloud. "Perhaps I need to find out if Daddy intends to send out any marriage contracts for me. I wonder who Laura Croft is..."
"Please wait here while I find out if the Headmaster has time to speak with you," Minerva said as the gargoyle shifted out of her way and she started up the moving staircase.
"Right," Younger Harry snarked as soon as the door closed behind her. "Because dimensional travelers are so common as to be ignored."
"You need to show more respect, Harry" Hermione scolded. "Professor McGonagall deserves your respect."
"Yeah?" Harry grumped. "She didn't flash you when she was seventeen, did she?"
Hermione glared at the younger version of her friend and wondered just how this one had turned out so different from her own Harry... well, not 'her' Harry. Not really. The Harry she knew would never... would he?.
The four Hogwarts students and the dimensional traveler took seat on the bench on the wall across the hall from the Headmaster's gargoyle. "So," Hermione began, no longer able to contain her curiosity, "How many worlds have you been on?"
"Well, there was my first one, Voldemort used a plot device to send me away..."
"A plot device?" Ron asked confusedly.
"Yeah, a 'Reality Ripper'. He got it from Evil Inc. I always knew I rated a top drawer bad guy even if he is a bit lame. Then I was on the second world that appeared to be identical except that Harry was wearing yellow socks instead of my favorite blue pair and they were about fifteen minutes behind my original world."
"I hardly think that something as inconsequential as the color of some-one's stockings could possibly define a universe," Hermione said shaking her head.
"Maybe," young Harry said with a shrug, "Maybe not. I wasn't there all that long. Those were the only differences I saw. Same author and everything."
"Same author?" Ginny asked in spite of wanting to hate this boy.
"Oh, yeah, didn't you know? We're all just characters in someones story. I'm what they call 'Off the Page'. Anyway, then the Collective's Retrieval Team showed up and killed a lot of Death Eaters, but just the ones with no names, and they grabbed me and took me to their home reality, so that would be my third world."
"Wait. You're saying that we're all fictional characters?" the older aspect of Harry Potter asked.
"Well, yeah. How else would all this make the bit of sense? I mean seriously, the way the Dursley's treated us and no one ever noticed? Not one of our primary teachers ever noticed that Dudders had top drawer things and we always looked like we shopped out of a skip? The way we had a reputation in the Neighborhood for being a hoodlum in the face of Dudley's public stupidity in front of witnesses? Or the way that Quirrell was killed and no one investigated? How about Hermione given an uber dangerous device like a time turner, just so she could take extra third year classes. Or the way that Hermione was the only one to figure out that the creature petrifying people was a basilisk? What was wrong with the adults in this castle? For that matter the way we kept hearing the basilisk in the pipes, then when we find the damned thing it's forty feet long and eight foot thick? I've never seen a pipe that size have you? Or how about the way everyone was so worried about Sirius, but no one thought to warn us to be on the look out for a big black dog, not even Moonie? Or hell..."
"Language Harry!" Hermione admonished.
"Fine," the younger boy sighed. "How about how all the Muggleborns suddenly disappear from all records at the age of 11? No government agency ever thought to ask just where all these kids fell off the map to? None of it makes a lick of sense, so we have to be fictional."
"Alright, we're fictional," Hermione hesitantly agreed hoping she wasn't feeding his delusion. "What is this 'Collective' you mentioned?"
"The Hufflepuffs. They've gotten together across all the universes to keep everything running."
"The Hufflepuffs?" Ginny asked incredulously. "Seriously? The Hufflepuffs?"
"What about the Hufflepuffs Ginny?" Susan Bones asked as she approached the group with Hannah Abbott in tow as usual. She spotted the younger Harry. "Hello," she said sweetly, "and where did you come from?"
Hermione had always like the Bones girl, and found her interest in Harry to be amusing. The girl was obviously nursing a crush, always asking about Harry, where he was, what he was thinking about, what adventures he might be...
"This is Harry's delusional dimensional twin," Ginny answered. Hermione couldn't help but notice that the younger Harry was all but cowering in the face of Susan Bones, the most gentle of the Hufflepuffs. The look of terror on the boy's face... Why would he be frightened of Sue?
"Oh? How can you call him delusional Ginny?" Sue reached out and pinched the dimensional traveler's left cheek. "He's so cute, you just want to lock him away somewhere so that he'd be safe."
Lock him away somewhere? That was practically what the boy had said that the Collective of Hufflepuffs wanted to do with him... Hermione's brow furrowed. What an odd coincidence. Young Harry desperately dug into a pocket to extract... something. Hermione couldn't see what it was, but there was a red flashing light in the boy's hand and a look of... fear on his face when he saw that light.
What was going on?
"He keeps saying silly things like Harry and I shouldn't be together, and that there is a 'Hufflepuff Collective' that rules the universe."
Susan's musical laugh filled the hallway. "Now, that's funny," she said while maintaining eye contact with the dimensional traveler. "There isn't a Hufflepuff Collective Cutie," she said while lightly smacking his face, "ask anyone."
Of course, Hermione reflected, that's just what a member of a secret organization would say... wait?
"Oh, he's just being silly," Hannah suggested. "Come on Sue, we've got things to do."
"We do," Susan confirmed. "See you all later, especially you Cutie," she squeezed the younger Harry's knee before standing, linking arms with Hannah and walking away.
"What's wrong Harry?" Hermione asked the pale boy.
"I've got to get out of here," the dimensional traveler said his eyes flicking between whatever it was that was flashing a red light in his left hand and the two departing Hufflepuffs. "The Hufflepuffs," he whispered, "they control everything."
Hermione followed the boy's gaze to see that Susan had stopped at the end of the hall and was had once again locked eyes with the dimensional traveler. The voluptuous redhead was pointing at her own eyes with her index and middle fingers of her right hand before rotating her wrist so that those fingers were now pointing directly into the eyes of the younger Harry in a clear indication that she intended to be watching him.
What the hell?
Hermione's attention was diverted to Minerva McGonagall when the elder witch reappeared at the door to the Headmaster's office.
"The Headmaster will see you all now." she said simply.
"It's him," Hannah observed.
"Yeah," Susan confirmed. "He's in the primary creation event and talking to people. This isn't good. Find Professor Sprout so she can let the Collective know."
"Well," the Headmaster said as he watched the students trooping into his office. "I can't recall ever having two of the same person in my office at the same time." Albus waved his hand and enough seating for everyone appeared. "Please, everyone have a seat. Would anyone care for a lemon drop?"
After the offer was universally declined Albus focused his gaze on the younger Potter. "So, why would a dimensional traveler visit our reality? And how did you manage to become a traveler at such a young age?"
The boy fidgeted in his seat, "I'm not here for any particular reason, my transport device selected this reality at random. I just arrived in the Common Room to find a potential crime against nature taking place, and I stepped in to stop it."
"Crime against nature?" Dumbledore asked.
"He means Harry was kissing me," Ginny interjected with a scowl. "He's got some crazy idea that Harry and I shouldn't be together."
"I've seen the future Red," the younger Harry sniffed, "and with your brother bagging a Veela and sticking me with you, it ain't pretty. Look, this is fun and all, but the Hufflepuffs have seen me, that means that I've got to get out of here."
Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling madly as they usually did when he was trying mightily to figure out was was going on. Deciding to ignore the entire 'brother bagging a Veela' idea, the Headmaster focused on the dimensional traveler's concern about Hufflepuff house.
"What do you mean that the Hufflepuffs have seen you?"
"The Hufflepuffs control the universe," the younger Harry explained. "Actually, they control all the universes. They want to put me into stasis because I was off page when my reality was erased, but I'm not letting anyone do that to me again, not after what you did to me with the Dursleys."
The Headmaster's office went silent as every sentience in the room tried to digest what the dimensional traveler had just suggested. The silence built until it was broken with a question that they all wanted to ask.
"What," the Sorting Hat asked from its storage shelf, "the hell are you talking about?"
"The Hufflepuffs," younger Harry whispered. "They control every aspect of our lives, they decide who lives and who dies, and they enforce the canon!" He paused and licked his lips, "They control EVERYTHING."
Further discussion was made impossible when the office was suddenly subjected to an intense glare of electric blue light.
Almost everyone in the room was shocked by the appearances of five electric blue columns of light that suddenly appeared and began pulsing. Fourteen year old Harry Potter had, of course, seen it before and as a result wasn't shocked in the slightest. It terrified him, but it didn't shock him.
A sense of relief from that worry manifested when he looked into his hand and found that his magic had finally charged the personal transport device and the light around the actuator was now a nice bright green. Perfect.
With his right elbow he nudged his older aspect.
"I'm outta here. In a minute you'll see what I was talking about when I told you how unbelievably hot Hermione is going to turn out... of course Luna and Hannah are pretty hot too.. Make sure you give Malfoy shit for losing his hair," the boy said with a wink before pushed in thumb onto the button and vanished from the Universe.
Where the cylinders once were stood five armor clad figures. The tallest of those figures stepped forward.
"Alright you Primitive Wand Waving Screwheads, Listen up!" The armored man said while brandished his weapon. "See this? This is my boom stick! The BFG-9000, a 12-gigawatt Phased Array Plasma Rifle. Weasley's Wizarding Weapons' top of the line,. You can find one of your very own in the Murder and Mayhem department. That's right; this sweet baby was made in Diagon Alley, London, reality 392. It retails for about 509 Galleons. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right. When you want them very dead, shop smart. Shop Weasley's Wizarding Weapons. You got that?"
"Bloody Hell!" McGonagall gasped at the sight of five strangers suddenly standing in the Headmaster's office, and feeling more than a little faint. "The Weasley twins branched into weapons?"
"We don't want to hurt anyone unnecessarily," one of the women said stepping forward. "We're looking for Harry Potter."
Harry swallowed, and then stood up from his chair. "I'm Harry Potter."
"Not you," the big armored man said dismissively. "The runner, a Harry Potter from another universe."
"Malfoy?" Harry asked staring into the older man's face. "What happened to you? You're so old... and bald."
"I am twenty seven years old Potter, and I AM NOT BALD!" the armored man screamed, pushing the barrel of his weapon into Harry's face.
The door to the Headmaster's office opened and Pomona Sprout entered, followed by Susan and Hannah. "Good, I'm not too late."
"I think we may be," the armored woman acting as the transported groups' leader said. "Your report had the Dimensional Traveler in this office, but when we arrived he wasn't here."
"Pomona?" Dumbledore asked incredulously. The fact that his subordinate ignored him just added to his shock. Dumbledore started putting together rumors he had heard, but had previously discounted. It seemed the only answer.
One of the armored people deactivated her armor revealing a woman of almost ethereal beauty. "We are too late, he is not here. His counter part saw him activate his transport device and vanish."
"Luna?" Hermione asked.
"Not the Luna you know my dear," the woman said with a smile.
The remaining two armored people deactivated their armor as well, causing the students to boggle when they were revealed to be Hermione Granger and Neville Longbottom.
"I had heard the rumors Pomona, but I never really believed them.," Dumbledore said in an attempt to regain control of the situation. "I honestly can't say I ever expected the Hufflepuff Collective."
"No one expects the Hufflepuff Collective," Sprout responded. "Our weapons are Teamwork and Cooperation!"
"Teamwork and Cooperation?" the older Hermione Granger asked.
"They're pretty much the same thing," the younger aspect of the Smartest witch of her generation pointed out.
"How about Cooperation and Hard Work?" Neville asked.
"And well thought out plans?" the younger Hannah added.
"Surprise is also useful," Susan pointed out. "As is ruthless efficiency.
"The Weapons and Armor are good too," Draco noted.
"Fine," Sprout sighed. "Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as cooperation, hard work, well thought out plans, surprise, ruthless efficiency, Weasley Wizarding Weapons, and Creevy-Tech Armor, not to mention a healthy round of obliviations!" the Hufflepuff head of house said as she whipped her wand out pointing it at the face of a very surprised Albus Dumbledore.
Albus Dumbledore blinked and looked up from the sheet of parchment he had was writing on, more than a little surprised to find his deputy and four students sitting in his office looking at him quizzically.
"I'm sorry," he said, trying to remember what he had been doing. "Did we have a meeting?"
"I was under the impression you had called us to your office Headmaster," Minerva said, not sounding terribly convinced of what she was saying.
"That sounds like something I would do," Albus admitted, "but I can't seem to recall what the meeting might have been about."
"That sounds like you too," Ron said happily, only to be surprised by the angry glares of his head of house and housemates. "What?"
"Well, I'm sure whatever it was, it will come back to me and I'll reschedule out meeting at that time.
The students all recognized a dismissal when they heard one and made to leave the Headmaster's office.
"Oh, Mr. Potter, have you given any thought to the assignment I gave you concerning Professor Slughorn?"
"Yes sir," Harry responded, surprised when an idea that was sure to crack the closed mouthed Potions Master wide open came to mind. "I have an idea that ought to work. I'll be trying it tonight."
"Good, good." the old man nodded. "I'll be seeing you afterwards then."
From Harry's perspective everyone in the Headmaster's office vanished as soon as he had actuated the Personal Transport device.
It took hims several seconds to realize that this was caused by his translating into the Headmaster's office of another universe rather than the others leaving. That was when he knew that there was something wrong, because every flat surface in the office was covered with dust. No one had been in here in months, maybe years.
Even the portraits were still. They looked like... normal paintings. The only light in the room came from the windows behind the Headmaster's desk.
Harry surveyed his surroundings. Fawke's perch was empty, the fireplace cold and obviously hadn't been cleaned for a while. The door to the stairs was open.
This couldn't possibly be good. Where was everyone? The silence in the castle was so utterly complete that all he could hear was his own breathing and the beating of his own heart.
What kind of story was he in now?
A/N2: It's been a while, but here's a new chapter for this silliness. Now that Harry's visited Canon, were else should he go?