A/N: Hello everyone, I’ve wanted to write a Simpson’s story for quite a while and after watching National Lampoons Christmas Vacation I knew I had to try it out Simpson’s style. Some of the story has been changed to make it more interesting and not seem like plagiarism, and to protect the innocent. So I hope you enjoy this story.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Simpson’s or Christmas Vacation.

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It was a lonely stretch of highway that few often used just outside Springfield. Few cars traveled it, mainly trucks and a few crazy hillbillies that liked to play chicken or tailgate from time to time. For many minutes to hours at a time, the road was silent and nearby mooing of cows could be heard off in the fields on the side of the road. But no one really cared about that.

They were more concerned about their Christmas trees, every year one would disappear after some inconsiderate jerkass would steal away with it behind their backs. And that is exactly what Homer Simpson and his family were doing. Well Homer was any way, his wife and kids thought they were going somewhere fun, or that’s what Homer told them.

“So where exactly are we going Homer?” asked Bart in his usual bratty tone.

“Well I was going to save that as a surprise once we got there but since you all won’t stop questioning me about it….” Said Homer.

“We haven’t questioned you, Bart was the first to ask, I just thought we were going to Ogdenville outlet mall for Christmas shopping,” interrupted Marge.

“And I just thought we were going for a drive,” said Lisa.

“Well you’re both way off, how many of you guys are bored by our artificial tree?” asked Homer.

Only Bart raised his hand mostly because he thought everyone else would do so as well but once he saw that Marge, Lisa, and even Maggie were both silent, he put it down.

“I like the artificial tree, my grandmother owned it before passing it on to my mom and then to me. I think it looks very nice and full in our living room,” said Marge.

“Well too late because I threw it away,” said Homer

“Homer! How could you? It’s been in the family for years,” said Marge.

“Oh you’ll get over it once you find out how much fun it is to head out into the forest and cut one down yourself,” said Homer as he pulled into a small parking lot.

Marge murmured her disappointment knowing that her argument with her husband was useless now that he had crazy hair brained idea. And with luck, the artificial one would still be in the trash since garbage pickup wasn’t until Wednesday.

Homer parked the car in the lonely lot, no one was around and in front of him was miles and miles of trees that were ripe for the picking. He could not wait to trudge through the snow with his family.

“Dad do you think its okay to cut down trees here?” asked Lisa in her own skeptical way.

“Of course it is honey, I don’t see any sign that says we can’t, so lets go find our tree,” said Homer who quickly led the way toward the trees. Everyone else trudged begrudgingly behind him hoping that this family outing would be finished quickly.

Of course there was a sign too, but at the moment it had been covered by snow from the last snowstorm and an important message was scrawled upon it.

No Trespassing

Violators will be chased by hounds

And then chewed on by hounds

If violators survive we have no choice

But to shoot you

As they made their way toward the trees, Bart was the first to sight one that he felt was perfect for the family, he ran forward until he was a few feet away and gazed in awe as the huge sight before him.

“How about this one Dad?” asked Bart.

Homer looked up at it, for a moment, he thought it would be perfect too, until he noticed that the other side didn’t look as nice.

“Afraid not son, this one looks nice but it has deceived us, see the backside is all scraggly,” said Homer.

“Then we could just put that side against the wall,” said Marge.

“No I want it to be perfect,” said Homer.

And that was that, there was no more arguing as they headed into the trees. Many times the kids tried to pick the ones that they liked but every time, Homer would say that it was either too small or too ugly to be put in the living room. Finally just when Marge was about to say she was ready to go home and find the families artificial one, Homer found it.

It had to be at least eight feet tall and four feet wide. It was a monstrous beast that would probably take days just to chop down but to Homer that was not a problem, he had his family there to help.

“It looks like it will take up the whole living room,” said Marge in a distressed sounding voice.

“Oh that’s because we are outdoors, everything looks bigger outdoors Marge. This is the tree, the tree that has the spirit of Christmas written all over it. It is the season to be thankful and glad that God has provided us with this beautiful tree,” said Homer.

“I think God’s just mocking you,” said Lisa with a sigh.

Homer gave a grunt of disgust at Lisa before turning to Bart. “Now Bart hand me my hacksaw,” he said.

“What hacksaw?” asked Bart as he fumbled around his coat pockets.

“You know the one that’s always hanging in the garage and I told you to bring it with us for the trip,” said Homer.

“Uh Dad, I think its still hanging in the garage because you never told me to grab it,” said Bart.

A very loud and frustrated “D’oh” soon echoed across the valley.

Four hours later the family was trudging through the snow with an uprooted Christmas tree behind them. How they would get it on top of the car no one knew and no one argued not with Homer being the grouch that he was now, but who could blame him. He had to dig up the whole tree and now his hands were covered in dirt, pine needles, and possibly blood but no one was really sure, it’s hard to tell when your hands are mostly covered in dirt and pine needles.

They were halfway to their car when Lisa heard the sound she had been dreading all afternoon, the barking of angry hounds. She turned around and saw four of them heading their way, drool dripping out of their mouths and teeth that were sharper than her own hair.

“Dad I think we need to run!” said Lisa as she ran ahead.

Homer turned around and saw the dogs, letting out his quick trademark scream he ran as fast as he could still pulling the tree behind him while his family made for the car. Homer tried to move fast, but the tree was holding him down and he knew there was only one way to save his skin just as the dogs leapt into the air.

“Eat cold wieners you ugly mutts!” said Homer and threw a five foot long sausage link that he hid in his coat pocket.

The dogs instantly stopped what they were doing and began to devour their new meal happily. Homer wiped his hands with a satisfied smirk and continued on his way.

“Where did you get the sausages?” asked Marge when Homer got to the car.

“The fridge, I always bring a link with me in case I get hungry,” said Homer as he tied on the tree.

“Gee you remember to bring food for yourself and that amazing gut but don’t remember a stupid hacksaw,” said Bart in a sarcastic tone.

“What your mouth boy,” said Homer.

It was dark by the time they got home and the family was ready for a nice warm meal in front of the TV, but Homer had other plans, it was time to trim the tree. He came out of the garage with a hockey mask and chainsaw ready to give that tree a nice trimming which he had planned to do six hours earlier. He revved up the chainsaw when his annoying neighbor Ned Flanders showed up.

“Hidely ho Simpson, looks like you got yourself a big Christmas tree,” said Flanders.

Homer only rolled his eyes and was about to rev up the machine again when Flanders interrupted him again.

“Where do you plan on sticking it, it’s so darn big,” said Flanders.

“Bend over and I’ll show ya,” said Homer without a beat.

“Oh I’m afraid I can’t, hurt my back today setting up decorations for the Christmas Light contest, and I know your kid is probably hiding somewhere ready to pelt me in my bottom with a snowball,” said Flanders keeping that same smile he always had as he talked.

“Well isn’t that sad,” said Homer as he was about to start the chainsaw when he remembered what Flanders had just said. “Christmas Light Contest?”

“Yeah didn’t you get the flyer, the neighborhood is having a Christmas light contest. Whoever has the best Christmas lights on their house wins five thousand dollars and a trip to Hawaii, runner up is not bad either, they win one thousand dollars plus a trip to London,” said Flanders.

Homer gave a deep sigh thinking about all that money he could win. He had been hoping to get a pool for the family in the backyard with his Christmas bonus from work this year and if he won more money he could make one that had a deep end that no one could touch the bottom of.

“Well I’m gonna take up that offer, and I will put up Christmas lights so grand they could be seen all the way to Shelbyville,” said Homer.

“Well then good luck with that, I think I’ll turn mine on now to see how they turned out,” said Flanders who walked away.

Homer stood there for a moment to wait for the lights to come on and when they did, he was amazed by how Flanders had used some great decorations. Colored lights covered the gutters and trees; a big giant star stood on top of the roof, and out on the lawn stood a wooden manger with baby Jesus holding a string of Christmas lights with Joseph and Mary. It was truly a lovely sight.

“So what do ya think Homer?” asked Flanders.

“Eh I’ve seen better,” said Homer as he revved up the chainsaw and began to trim the tree.

“Yup I can see a better one in my head, I’ll make my house so Christmas spirity that people in Shelbyville will think it’s on fire,” said Homer with a long and maniacal laugh.

About an hour later, Homer dragged the huge tree into the living room and set it up in the corner where the artificial one usually stood. Marge and the kids watched in annoyance as he straightened it up to the right position. It was definitely a lot bigger than Homer imagined, so far it seemed to take up half the living room and the top of it was scraping the ceiling

“Where are we going to put the angel?” asked Lisa.

“Oh it will fit up there, don’t you worry,” said Homer as he finally straightened it out.

The family looked at it, it was still wrapped around in string but it was already so big that when you first came into the living room you would have to have to squeeze through the entryway; this was going to be an interesting Christmas.

“Hrrrrmmmm I think you should have trimmed more of it down,” said Marge.

“Oh stop being a pessimist Marge, it looks great and everyone will love it, now stand back as I cut this string off,” said Homer.

“Oh I have a bad feeling about this,” said Bart.

Homer ignored him and cut the cord. Before anyone could blink, the tree shot forward breaking an antique on the wall next to it and shattering part of the glass on the window. Everyone gasped in surprise at how fast it came out and with the fact that Homer was swallowed up by it.

For a moment there was a long silence as everyone wondered if Homer was still there.

“…Homey…?” asked Marge.

“Marge could you go get the pliers, I have a tree branch up my nose.”

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A/N: Okay there you guys go with the first chapter; I hope you all enjoyed that because I sure did. I will be updating this as often as I can since Christmas is a month away and I will be leaving for vacation shortly thereafter. I’m not sure how many chapters I will have but it might be a little less than ten. So please review and if you didn’t like it, please do not flame because I will give you a nice stern lecture about how annoying flames are with no critiquing. A swift kick in the butt will also be in order as well. Well see you all real soon.