“How was your business meeting, dear Master Hand?” said Lucas in his atypical Welsh accent. “Did you manage to settle any contracts, sponsorships or business deals?”

“No! In fact I didn’t! Creep!” said Master Hand angrily, wiping the blood off his… …fingers.

“Though, on a lighter note,” said Master Hand, forcibly laughing at his own joke, “I did fulfil some other types of contracts!”

Master Hand chuckled heartily, and then brushed some of the remaining fragments of human skin on his… …fingers onto the ground.

“Ooh, what kind of contracts?” said Lucas, oblivious to the fact that the contracts Master Hand was referring to were indeed contract killing!

“I’ll tell you when you’re a bit older,” said Master Hand, wiping more skin off his body.

“Oh! But I want to be part of one of your contracts!” begged Lucas.

“Really?” said Master Hand, “Because I do seem to remember you fulfilling one of my many contracts before!”

Lucas stared blankly at Master Hand.

“When you killed those people in that Chinese restaurant!” said Master Hand angrily, “Contract killings, idiot!”

“Ah!” said Lucas, coming to a realisation, “…so you want me to do some contract killing?”

“Yes!” said Master Hand angrily, “…but what I was saying was the point of the meeting was to finish up some contracts!”

“Ah,” said Lucas, thrusting his fist in a jolly manner.

Master Hand wiped more flesh and organs off his body.

“You mean like business contracts?” said Lucas innocently.

“Ikilled them, okay?” said Master Hand angrily.

“You did kill them?” said Lucas.

“Yes! I did!” said Master Hand angrily.

“Are you sure of that fact? Are you certain you indeed did kill them?” said Lucas.

“Yes! I am!” said Master Hand angrily.

“Are you very sure? Positive? Are you not lying to me?” said Lucas.

“Yes!” said Master Hand angrily.

“So can I ask you one more time, did you kill those people in that meeting, in that when you were referring to contracts you were indeed referring to contract killings, which as a result of the meeting ended up in their deaths due to a client signing a contract with you for them to be killed?” asked Lucas.

“Do I have to make it any clearer to you?” said Master Hand angrily. “I definitely-”

A policewoman walked by.

“…did not kill those people!” said Master Hand nervously, sweating on three fingers, trembling on two, “I have no idea what you are talking about, you crazy imaginative child!”

The policewoman smiled, and then walked past.

“So youdidn’t kill those people?” said Lucas angrily, “You were just trying to trick me?”

“But I did kill them!” said Master Hand angrily, “Indeed it was so that in that meeting I was killing people through a contract killing!”

“So youdid kill those people? Is this definitely going to be your final answer? You did kill them?” said Lucas angrily.

“YES!” screamed Master Hand, bezerk.

The policewoman walked back.

“I KILLED THEM WITH MY OWN BARE HANDS!” screamed Master Hand hysterically, “I TOOK THEM ONE BY ONE AND DISLODGED THEIR HEADS FROM THEIR BODIES, CAUSING A LARGE STREAM OF BLOOD TO GUSH OUT FROM THEIR HEADLESS BODY! I THEN, CACKLING MANICALLY BECAUSE I AM A SOCIAL PSYCHOPATH, WADED IN THE BLOOD SINGING NURSERY RHYMES IN AN ATYPICALLY HAPPY MANNER! SOME OF THOSE SONGS INCLUDED: JACK AND JILL, HUMPTY DUMPTY, WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY BODY, SHE HASN’T GONE AWAY FOREVER, SHE’S JUST ON VACATION… …FOREVER, JACK AND JILL-”

The policewoman stared at Master Hand in shock, taking out her handcuffs nervously.

“AND I’M GOING TO DEMONSTRATE HOW I DID IT!” screamed Master Hand, picking up the policewoman and decapitating her on the spot.

Her body lay there. Master Hand waded in the blood and began to sing in a sweet, gentle voice, “Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pair of water, Jill fell down and broke his crown and Jack came-”

“But it was Jill that came tumbling after!” screamed Lucas, starting to hyperventilate.

“OKAY! THAT’S IT! YOU’RE GOING TO THE DENTIST!” screamed Master Hand, infuriated.

“But I love the dentist!” said Lucas in a gay manner, “Will this count as a task?”

“YES, BECAUSE I’LL TAKE OUT ALL OF YOUR TEETH!” screamed Master Hand.

Task Four

“Okay, remove all of his teeth,” said Master Hand to the dentist.

“Will do,” said the dentist, receiving several hundred-dollar bills from Master Hand.

“At least I won’t have any cavities afterwards!” said Lucas happily.

“THEN MAKE ALL OF HIS TEETH HAVE CAVITIES!” screamed Master Hand hysterically.

Lucas gasped and shouted, “I guess this just has to be one of the tough things to do in order to become a Smasher!”

“Mwahahahaha!” cackled Master Hand, “…you will feel immense pain!”

“Noooooooooo!” screamed Lucas, chocolate and fairy floss being shoved into his mouth.

“Mwahahahaha!” cackled Master Hand.

“I hate you!” cried Lucas, munching on one of twelve variously-coloured gobstoppers that were placed in his mouth. “This is inhumane! Torture!”

“Fine!” screamed Master Hand, punching Lucas in the face, causing him to lose all of his teeth.

…

“Well I guess I feel dandy fine then!” said Lucas.

“Shall we dance to some vaudevillian music?” asked Master Hand.

“Yes!” said Lucas in a jolly manner.

They danced, and foxtrotted and jived and whatnot.

---

I’m sorry for your displeasure during reading this story. Have this outdated Huckleberry Finn made-for-TV-adaptation rental as compensation!

Review, and give your suggestions for tasks Lucas must undertake in order to become a smasher!