Sokka’s Mastah: Oneshot

Sokka glared. The potato glared back.

With a growl, the young warrior shot his fiercest, grumpiest look at the legume, before pouting and sighing in frustration. It was damn impossible!

“I will get you, you stupid vegetable!” Sokka rested his chin on the table and opened his eyes wide, giving the potato a look that was so grumpy and fiercely sharp it could puncture an Empire-class Fire Nation battleship, leaving thousands to drown at sea, because it was so sharp. However, Sokka was wrong about one thing, the potato knew.

Potatoes are most definitely not vegetables, and any idiot like The Cookie Thief who might wrongly think otherwise was sorely mistaken.

However, Sokka remained our endearingly steadfast Sokka, and was not about to give up. He pouted at the damn brown thing with a pout to put Prince Zuko to shame, even including that time his uncle made him late to the Fall Out Boy concert because he got himself captured by Earth Kingdom soldiers and had to fight them off, then find his pants.

But after all, as everyone knows, potatoes are indeed the grumpiest of the grumpy creatures on this world, including emo unicorns who have been denied their daily dosage of marijuana.

The potato silently refused to yield. Many hours later, Katara appeared.

“Sokka, you’ve been staring at the potato for hours. Go to bed.”

“I CAN’T GO TO BED, DAMMIT, UNTIL I BEAT THE STUPID VEGETABLE!” Sokka morphed into an enraged, red-faced chibi with a halo of little black anger marks.

“Sokka, potatoes aren’t veg-” Aang began.

“SHUT UP, BALDIE! YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING!” Sokka was still a chibi.

Aang likewise turned into a chibi, crying copious amounts of anime tears as the helpful Katara chibi comforted him.

“Stupid potato!” Sokka screamed, finally exhausting himself back to normal.

“Sokka, it’s pronounced po-tah-to.” Aang interjected, also back normal, along with Katara who was sleeping peacefully and dreaming about lying on a beach, surrounded by shirtless versions of Zuko, Aang, Haru, Jet, Teo, Hahn, and virtually every male character on Avatar that wasn’t old or related to her.

“No, it’s po-tay-to! Po-Tay-To! Potato!”

“Potahto!”

“Potayto!”

“Potahto!”

“Potayto!”

“Potahto!”

“Potayto!”

“Potahto!”

“Potayto!”

“Potahto!”

“Potayto!”

“Potahto!”

“Potayto!”

“CAN EVERYONE PLEASE JUST SHUT UP SO I CAN GET SOME SLEEP HERE?!” Toph entered suddenly, looking very scary, as she hadn’t yet received her beauty rest. “It doesn’t matter how the-” –censored to keep rating at “T”– “you say it, just go to bed!” she paused, recognizing the precise shape, size, weight, expression, and blood type of the potato in question. “That’s the potato that bit my dog’s ear off!” she yelled, attacking the poor thing with her awesome-uber-superstar-bitchy-kickass-blind-ninja-earthbending moves.

When she was done, the potato lay on the table in thin, long, precisely square pieces. The heat of her fury had fried them to a deep, crispy, golden-brown, and Mulan McDonald (Ronald’s great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-step-grandmother’s-aunt’s-cousin in law’s-sixth cousin twice removed’s daughter’s-slave’s-baby) bought the patent for three Euros, six dollars, 290 yen, and an African tribal war mask, and created the world’s first fast food chain in the 1950’s, thousands of years later.

“Hey, what’s a dog?” Aang whispered to Roku’s ghost, who had come to visit for Yom Kippur. The former Avatar merely shrugged.

So, in the end, Sokka never had a chance to beat the potato in the grumpy fight, Katara slept well dreaming of hot, muscled shirtless guys, Aang grew certain that ‘po-tay-to’ was the correct pronunciation because Sokka opposed it, and Toph became three Euros, six dollars, 290 yen, and an African tribal war mask richer.

And not that he’s really been in the story much, but for the record, Prince Zuko spent the evening at a My Chemical Romance concert and angsted until daybreak, slicing his wrists every time Gerard sang the words ‘heart’, ‘death’, ‘blood’, or ‘black’. (Basically, every ten seconds.)

And the moral of the story is: Never talk to strangers and look both ways before crossing the street. Buy low, sell high, and always read the fine print.

A/N: Yeah……just crack. Nothin’ but it! That’s me, the crack dealer……wait a minute, that came out wrong (or did it???)!

This was a request fic for hiddenrebel, granted to her for being the first person to put me on alert and faves (excluding my BFF/beta). Her requirements: Sokka gets into a grumpy fight with a potato, then Toph comes in and yells, “Hey! That’s the potato that bit my dog’s ear off!”

Oh, and as for the ‘zuko being late to the FOB concert yadda yadda yadda’ thing, that was inspired by GanXingba, mastah creator of Avatar: the Abridged Series. Check it out on youtube!

Please review!