Author’s Note: Okay; first, this chapter HATED ME with a vengence only because I finished writing it about 2 weeks after I posted the last chapter. the reason it took so long for me to post it at all? Something was missing. I don't know how many times I read through it, but something was off. Luckily Geaven hugs her own personal gaurdian angel helped me figure out some of the Splinter-Raph stuff that goes on in it, but something was just off. Well, I finally figured it out tonight, I fixed it and here it is! Just for you! With lots of love, I hope you enjoy :)

Disclaimer: I don’t own the turtles. I wish I did though. They’re fun to play with :)

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Out in the Open

By: Melissa the Damgel

Donatello’s eyes widened and his lips parted. “Raph…”

“You choose now to say you were wrong? What about two years ago… or ten! Why now?” He growled, struggling up from his knees. He managed to get one foot planted onto the mats before Don’s hands grabbed his arm and stopped him from standing.

A heavy sigh escaped the old rat’s lungs though he never raised himself up from his bowed position, his whiskers twitching slightly with his ears remaining back and his brow tightly touching his fingertips. “For a father to accept that his children long for more than what he is capable of providing them, is a hard thing come to terms with, Raphael.” He said softly, the pain that he had begun to feel for his past harshness carrying to his son’s ears and caused the red clad turtle to hold extremely still as he listened.

“I had hoped that in the years to come, you and your brothers would be content just being together for the rest of your lives. But seeing the effects of the emotional separation I had forced upon you and your siblings; and knowing that just being together wouldn’t be enough and could even possibly separate you four in the future; that is something I do not wish for far more greatly than to know one might care more for another on the battlefield.” He continued, with a small sigh before he lifted his head finally and gazed up at his children, still bowed before them humbly before them. First he looked to Donatello, and then his eyes turned and landed on Raphael, with warm and imploring eyes, hoping for their understanding if not for their forgiveness. “But to know that my children have found love so close to the safety of their home is enough for this old rat to admit his ignorance in the past and beg for forgiveness.” He once again bowed his head and touched his brow to his fingertips, his laid back ears twitching slightly when Raphael’s breathing picked up.

“W… what are you trying to tell us, huh?” Raph demanded, leaning forward slightly with his hand slapping to the mats a few inches from his father’s head. Splinter didn’t twitch, but Donnie tightened his grip on his brother’s arm. “You sayin’ you’re sorry will do what? You think it’ll fix all the pain we went through? No! This is stupid… I’m outta here.” He growled, standing sharply and starting for the door – Donnie being dragged along with him because the purple banded turtle refused to let go of him.

“Raphie!” Donatello shouted, trying to plant his feet against the tatami mats. “He’s giving us his blessing, you shell for brains!” he blurted out desperately. He sighed the moment his words stopped Raph in his tracks, but his brows knitted together as his brother stood extremely still.

Turning slowly, Raphael stared at the purple clad turtle in a mixture of amazement and hurt. “You knew.” He whispered.

Ice filled his belly. Donnie stared back at him and felt numb as Raphael stared at him with a disbelieving look within those fiery amber eyes. Don forced himself to look away. He could just feel Raphael looking down at him like he didn’t know him anymore. His insides burned and jumped like they were in a hot skillet, and his eyes grew warm though he did manage to stop the tears. He hated knowing he had unintentionally hurt Raph.

“Yes… I knew.” He whispered back.

“When did he tell ya? Huh? Last night?” Raphael hissed, bending closer and getting right in his face.

Defensiveness reared up across Donnie’s face at the accusation, but he bowed his head and sighed heavily with sadness flickering at the corners of his eyes. “Last month.” He breathed. Donatello’s face contorted and he squeezed his eyes shut – he didn’t want to see the betrayal upon Raph’s face.

Raphael turned sharply, jerking his arm away from his brother as he marched to the shoji doors. He couldn’t speak. He wanted too. He wanted to yell and snarl like a beast – but he couldn’t. All he could see were those large, lustful dark eyes staring down at him so scared yet hopeful. Donnie had wanted him. He had seen that in his eyes last night. That part couldn’t have been a lie…

“Raphie!”

“I’m outta here.” He whispered and walked out the doors.

Donatello stood still, watching Raphael leave with heavy footsteps and a bluster in his growling mumbles. He heard the entrance doors grind shut and a weight thudded into his belly, leaving him weak and with a sudden finality to his situation.

He didn’t know what to do. He felt sick and horrified that Raphael had reacted as he did. But another part of him felt like he deserved this… he hadn’t ever told him. Would it have been better to tell him, or did he do the right thing and keep silent?

“Donatello.”

Turning slightly and peeking at his father with tears beating at the backs of his eyes, the turtle gripped at his elbow pads, digging his nails into the leather to keep from rushing to the rat and burying his face against his robes like a child.

The old rat smoothly stood and padded towards him, his hands behind his back and warm eyes sympathetic as he leveled a look upon his son. “If there is one thing I have learned from my stories, it is to never allow the one you love to walk away.”

“But Sensei…” Donnie whispered, feeling the heat rise behind his eyes and causing his hands to tremble.

“Go after him.” Splinter insisted, pressing a hand to his son’s elbow. “Go to him. Even if he won’t speak to you, don’t leave his side. That is an order.” He smiled warmly, patting his arm before he withdrew his hand and motioned him towards the door.

Donatello bobbed his head and wiped at his eyes, momentarily smiled back wetly.

“Hurry!” Splinter waved his hand away, shooing his child from his room.

Donnie stumbled slightly but he turned and ran – running through the lair and into the sewers like a bat out of hell. He didn’t know why he chose the left, but he ran on instinct. His heart pounded wildly in his chest and his eyes were wide as adrenaline drove him faster, hoping to find the one he loved.

He searched every tunnel he came too, becoming desperate as the further he went he still had not even caught a glimpse of his brother. He backtracked and took another side tunnel, praying he was nearby. By some miracle, he finally did find him. He spied his brother leaning upon the safe guard railing and gazing down into the swirling pool below him while water cascaded down around him from all angles. He was in one of the drainage stations that had catwalks all around and pipes where the overflow poured into a large man-made basin in thunderous roars.

Donatello burst onto the catwalk next to him and stopped abruptly, panting for breath and shivering as he felt the faint mist from the waterfalls surrounding them.

Raphael turned only slightly but he looked away just as quickly and his hands gripped the railing all the tighter. “You should have told me!” he blurted out angrily.

Donnie took a small step forward before he rushed him, throwing his arms about his waist and hiding his face against his arm. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But I promised!” he yelled over the sound of crashing water. “I’m sorry!”

“You should have told me!” Raphael cried, bowing his head as he squeezed his eyes shut to block out anything that might soften his heart.

Donnie lowered his eyes, his body slumping slightly as though giving up. “I know…” He whispered, pulling away from Raph’s body and reaching out for the railing to steady himself against the chill Raphael seemed to be radiating. “I’m sorry Raph. I just… I don’t know.” He closed his eyes tightly, biting at his lower lip as his mind battled through his emotions to try and pinpoint exactly why he hadn’t ever told him.

“That’s bullshit!” Turning sharply, Raphael threw his hand out at his side in exasperation. “You found out Splinter was okay with it, but didn’t tell me. What happened last night, huh? Did he give you permission to fuck me?” He scowled.

“Now you’re being a hypocrite!” Donatello shot back – he wasn’t going to crumble that easily in front of the resident hothead, so he gathered his courage together and found his footing to fight back. “I didn’t tell you, and you’re mad; and if I had told you, you’d still be mad because you’d think I’m only with you because Splinter said it was okay!”

“And you are!”

“Yeah! I am!” Don snapped, “A month later!” He shook his head, looking down at the metal walkway beneath his feet. “I didn’t tell you last month because I thought you hated me. Everything you said and then everything you did later that night… come on Raph; can you blame me for being scared out of my mind? I love you! I’ve loved you so much through the years that I’ve been willing to stay away for your sake!”

Raphael snorted and scowled. “You were playing by his rules.”

Donnie’s brows knitted and his heart dropped away in his chest to hit his stomach in a fiery defeat. “You killed me that day Raph. When you said all those things… I-I really thought you didn’t love me.” he stared at nothing in particular, recalling those emotions at the time; how he had felt like a shuriken had sunk unto his heart the moment Raphael had muttered the words ‘I’m tired of waiting.’ Having him say such a thing had shattered him on so many levels; but to hear the one person whose opinion did matter to him say he wasn’t worth waiting for… it had hurt for weeks. True, Raph had admitted that same night that he hadn’t meant what he said earlier, but the damage had been done.

Wincing and gripping tighter at the railing, Raphael turned his head away and he clenched his teeth together, keeping quiet for now.

“I was so happy he finally understood.” Donnie continued after the silence had grown as thick as the mist settling upon their skin. “I wanted you there – but you weren’t. And when I thought of telling you, the… your words would replay themselves in my brain and I’d hear you say ‘I’m tired of waiting’ over and over in my head.”

“You should have at least said something.”

“And told you what exactly? You would have truly hated me if I had given in to you that night.” Donatello whispered, shifting slightly to turn his back to the railing.

Raphael snorted. “I don’t think I could hate you…”

“Oh yeah? Raph, just pretend for a second that I had slept with you that night, then you found this out today.”

With a heavy sigh, Raphael glanced upwards, watching the tumbling of a waterfall above him as it burst from a pipe and rained down towards him. “Okay, I get it. I get you.” He sighed loudly and bowed forward, leaning back heavily as he held onto the railing as though stretching before he straightened and finally turned back to look at Donnie, his amber eyes softening.

The gaze lasted for what felt like hours. Raph’s muscles relaxed slowly along his shoulders and neck and he allowed himself to exhale slowly as though to release all the negative feelings inside. “I get it. You wanted to make sure we were… that we both were real. I get that.” He was silent for a moment, really mulling over his thoughts. “But it’s still just a half-assed excuse.”

Knitting his brows together, Donatello shook his head, reaching out for his brother’s arm with a violently trembling hand. “Can’t you just be happy we’re together?” he asked quietly.

Growling and jerking his arm away from Don’s touch, Raphael forcefully pushed away from the railing and he stalked away several feet. He dug his nails into his palms as he panted, feeling his rage boiling deeply within his chest. Though he was furious, he didn’t want to take everything out on Donatello – it wasn’t Donnie’s fault their father was a bastard. “’Course I’m happy! It’s not you I’m angry with, it’s Splinter! He… he’s screwing with us… again!” he turned sharply, amber eyes flashing. “He’s still playing with us, Don! You’re stuck under his thumb like always!”

“What?” Don gaped, shaking his head, “I am not! And he’s not playing with us! He sent me after you!”

“That’s my point! He’s manipulating us again! We aren’t kids anymore, so he knows we’d all leave eventually to be together anyway. He knew we’d not listen to him in the end, and he knew that something would happen and we’d end up doing exactly what we did last night!” Raph turned sharply, glaring sharply at his brother. “Don’t you see it Don? He’s saving face!”

“He’s not…”

“Get over it, Donnie. Splinter isn’t all perfect and as wise as we like to think. If he was, he’d have figured something else out rather than threaten a ten year old kid who was scared his daddy was going to send his brother away for just wanting to love him.”

Donatello’s eyes flickered in pain and the dark depths revealed his own understanding of just where Raphael was with his reasoning.

“He screwed us up. He messed with what we had!” He yelled, throwing a fist out. “How many times have you wanted to talk to me, but stopped because you knew Splinter would get the wrong idea? Huh? Or how many times have you been so scared you wanted to…” He paused and his shoulders fell, “Come on Don. That time Karai broke into the lair and scattered us; and after Leo found me and brought me back to you guys…. I wanted ta just hold onto ya so I knew you were alive; but I had to settle for your hand on my shoulder and then I had ta make up some shitty excuse about being hungry or somethin’. I was terrified those few days you guys were gone. I didn’t want any of my bros dead, but least of all you….”

He couldn’t look at him. His lip trembled and his eyes grew hot and wet because he was right – they had had to rearrange every instinct they had regarding each other, just so that their Master wouldn’t think they still loved one another in that way. But he had admitted he was wrong, they wouldn’t have to dodge or dance around each other anymore. They could finally be themselves completely.

Wasn’t that enough?

“Okay… but he’s trying Ra-”

Raphael scowled and he threw his hand out in a cutting motion to cut him off. “Doesn’t matter, Don. I ain’t goin’ back.”

“W-what?” Donatello whispered, his eyes widening and his stomach flipping.

Avoiding his eyes as he turned to once more stare out across the overflow station, Raphael grunted and gripped the railing tightly. “I ain’t goin’ back. I can’t be in the same room with him without wantin’ to 

punch him. I don’t care if he’s tryin’. He messed us up. He messed up our lives ‘cause of his fucked up sense of honor.”

Shaking his head, Donnie moved closer, grasping his arm tightly as he stared down at their feet. “Raphie…”

“I ain’t leavin’ you, Donnie.” Raph whispered, turning his head away from him even as he reached a hand out to grip his fingers. “I could never leave ya… I love ya too much.”

A small nod was all Don gave him as he played slightly with Raph’s fingers, just feeling him for a moment.

“Nothin’ will change; I just won’t live in the lair. I’ll get my own place. I’ll stay close. And knowin’ you, you’ll fix it all up and make it geekified and you’ll practically live there… I hope you’ll live with me.” He added under his breath, daring to peek at him.

Donnie didn’t answer him; he was trying too hard to keep his brain operating as he slowly began to absorb the fact that Raph was basically saying he was moving out and wanted him to live with him wherever that might be. He blushed lightly at that and shrugged a shoulder shyly despite the fact his stomach was flipping excitedly at the prospect of what Raphael was offering him… a life together.

Grunting as he averted his eyes once again and looked down into the man-made water basin, Raph shrugged and pulled away, walking down the walkway a few yards before he turned back to him, his own cheeks flushed in embarrassment and his eyes wild with nervousness. His hand rubbed the back of his neck as he fidgeted. He hated feeling so uncertain. “Look, if ya don’t want-”

“I do… I mean, I just… I just don’t want this to change… This is too fast.” Donnie looked up at him, hastily wiping at his eyes to clear away the moisture that was blurring his vision.

“Things have to change! How the hell do you expect me to live with that bastard?” He shouted, marching back to him with his arm out behind him indicating he meant Splinter back at the lair. “He’s never cared about me Don! Sure, he might love me as a son, but when it comes to me as a ninja, as his little puppet, he doesn’t give a shit about me! Every time I head out there alone, he doesn’t try to stop me! Leo cares more about my safety than our own father does!”

“You can’t tell me you honestly believe that.” Donnie gaped. “He loves you Raph! He constantly asked me if you were doing alright for the last two years! He knew you were upset but he didn’t know how he could fix it for you!”

“Who says I want him to fix me? He made me this way, he might as well live with the consequences! He dragged us apart and expected us to live the way he wanted. He’s a controlling megalomaniac! He thinks he can shape us into whatever the hell he wants us ta be by manipulating everything we think and feel!”

“Stop it!” Don shouted, covering his ears with a small hiccup catching in his throat. “Father isn’t like that.”

Growling and rubbing at his brow, Raphael breathed deeply several times before he headed back to Donatello, his hands delicately settling upon his shoulders and rubbed at his arms. “Donnie…”

“Don’t say those things. He isn’t like that. He messed up! He admitted it! But he’s trying!” He gripped at his brother’s arms, desperate for him to understand.

Leaning forward, Raph nudged Don’s beak, grimacing when Donnie hiccupped again. “Look, Donnie… come on…” He whispered, reaching up to cup his face and wipe away the hints of tears. “Donnie-boy… sorry. I just can’t… not yet. I can’t forgive him yet.” He explained in a softer voice.

“I get that… just don’t say such mean things.” Donatello reached out to grip Raph’s obi, wanting to keep him close but to also keep him from pulling away.

Frowning and biting his tongue to keep from upsetting him further, Raphael waited for the anger and annoyance to leave his system before he shifted his head to kiss Donnie’s brow. “Sorry.” He whispered once he felt he wouldn’t blurt out something stupid.

“’Kay.” Don whispered.

Raph rubbed his hand across his cheek then down his shoulder and arm.

“I just can’t go back in there and not keep from punchin’ him. ‘Kay? I can’t forgive him yet.”

“Okay.” Donatello sighed, calming somewhat. “Just promise you’ll talk w-”

“I ain’t-”

“-talk with him later. I’m not saying right now, but I hope when you feel like you can, you will. Please just talk to him… eventually.”

Grunting, Raph bobbed his head, “Fine.”

“And I’m not going to tell him you’re moving out. You have to do that one on your own.”

Raphael scowled then rolled his eyes at the hard and pointed look Donnie gave him. “Fine. Fine. I’ll tell him, happy?”

Looking down, Donnie shrugged, “A little. I… I just don’t like this.” He said, finally unhooking his fingers from Raph’s obi so his arms could move up and curl around his neck.

“Things change, Donnie. We’ll always be together; all four of us. Even if Leo leaves on some dumbass retreat across the world again, or Mikey goes off to make the biggest pizza ever… and you go off to discover a cure for cancer and how to build those flying cars people talk about… I’ll always be right there next to ya.” He whispered, leaning forward once again to touch their brows together. Don peeked up at him, and Raphael grinned, drinking in those inky depths happily that had flickers of rich browns and shadowy grays speckled within his eyes. “As long as I get a few skulls ta bash in, and there is an open road ta ride my bike on now and then, I’ll be happy.”

Donatello smiled faintly and looked away, his arms wrapping tighter about his neck. “Thanks; but I’m not worried about us… I’m worried about you and Splinter.”

Raph rolled his eyes and looked away to the side.

Frowning and uncurling one arm from his shoulders, Donnie reached out to him, attempting to cup his cheek and force him to look back at him. “Don’t…” Don started then jerked his hand away from Raph’s face at the angry look in his lover’s eyes.

“Don’t push it Donnie! Right now, the way I see it, we’re all we need. All four of us will always stay together, and we don’t need Splinter anymore. We’re all we have. Even if we make friends with humans, or even if we end up in the spotlight and the humans accept us, we’ll always stick together. But I can’t look at him yet. Just because he apologized all nice-like doesn’t warrant forgiveness from me.”

Donatello frowned and sighed heavily, his fingers playing lightly against his collarbone.

Grimacing at the lost look upon Donnie’s face, Raph patted his shell and then rubbed his arms slowly. “Just give me a few days. You know my temper. It’ll deflate soon.” He offered as a form of assurance.

“Okay.” Don answered stiffly.

The silence was awkward and heavy. It weighed down on them like a ton of bricks, and choked them as surely as a dirt road in August would have. Neither knew what to say. What did one say to the one they loved during an argument when neither was willing to budge?

Raphael solved it with his usual tactful solution – he pulled away forcefully and turned, folding his arms across his broad chest in an attempt to alienate his mate.

“You should get back now.”

Donatello dragged himself away from the edge of disappointment and inched towards Raph instead. He touched his shell first, trailing his fingertips across his scarred and battered carapace. He ran his thumb across the deep groove where one of the stone general’s throwing stars had gouged his shell so deeply that he suspected that part of the obsidian rock was still inside; and forever would be. He kissed it; chaste and quick. He kissed his scutes and then his shoulder before he carefully slipped his arms about his lover’s waist and propped his chin on one of Raph’s broad shoulders. Donatello shrugged ever so faintly as he leaned his beak into his neck and sighed heavily as he made his final decision. “I want to stay with you a little longer.”

Smirking delicately with more love than amusement, Raphael bowed his head and nodded, quietly telling him he understood. “Okay; but not too long, I gotta cool off here and all.”

“Right, got it,” Donnie whispered with a smile and placed a light kiss to his neck.

-- --

He spent a good hour out there with Raph. They didn’t talk at all; they just stood there in silence as they both felt what the other was thinking.

Raphael couldn’t get past his anger; not in any decent amount of time that is, and he sent Donnie away when he hadn’t reached that state of calmness he had honestly been trying to find. Perhaps that was 

the irony of his anger; he didn’t have control over it, just as Donnie didn’t have control over his compulsive need to rewire the toaster, just as Leo’s training seemed to be just as ingrained in him as Mikey’s compulsive need to eat as much sugar as possible in one day. He grunted in annoyance and disentangled himself from Don’s hold, mumbling under his breath about him getting back home before everyone worried. When Donatello leveled his ‘tough guy’ look on him, he quickly made heavy promises that he would stay safe and he would crash at Casey’s for the week so he could think everything over concerning himself and Master Splinter. Don had hesitantly conceded and did as he was told, but only after Raph had sworn he would call when he got to Casey’s. But not in the mushy, over-protective way of course… you know, just so he knew Raph hadn’t died on the way to the human’s apartment.

Raphael sat out at the draining station for another three hours thinking before he even bothered to head towards his bud’s house. But as he stood by the ladder leading up to the alley above that was near Casey’s apartment, his conviction suddenly became listless and he gazed up the rungs, gripping tightly to the cold, clammy iron in his hand. He didn’t want to go home, he was sickened at the very idea that he might see Splinter. But he had never been one to run from a fight.

“Damnit.” Raphael snarled and shoved himself away from the ladder as he headed back towards the lair.

Not seeing Splinter was one thing, but not seeing Donnie was another. It wasn’t fair to him just because their father and him were having a fight. It was late enough. He could avoid Splinter without any trouble.

The lair was dark and it was quiet – though Raph knew better. Just because there wasn’t a soul wandering the main rooms didn’t mean that they weren’t very much awake behind closed doors.

Raphael moved as silently as his training dictated as he snuck through the lair. It was so easy to do. Though it was simple, it was just extremely nerve-wracking as hell. Who knew who might catch him.

Something in his belly tugged his feet to a stop suddenly, and Raph glanced towards his father’s study on his way to the hallway and towards his Donatello’s room. He frowned, glancing to the side then back to the shoji doors of his father’s study. Looking up to the ceiling, Raphael’s jaw tightened as he tried to rein in the anger that had never fully left. With a quick turn and a sharp movement of his arm, Raphael shoved the rice paper door open and stepped inside, slamming the screen shut behind him as he glared at his father kneeling in his customary place across the room.

Without opening his eyes, Splinter’s whiskers twitched and his ears laid back towards his head. “Raphael.” He said smoothly in his thick accent.

“Listen, you bastard, I ain’t goin’ to forgive ya.”

Frowning and finally lifting his eyes to stare up at his son as he paced by the door with his arms crossed and his face twisted in a harsh scowl, Splinter adopted his customary look of disapproval before speaking to get his son’s attention. “Raphael; I ask that you at the very least grant me more respect than what you have just displayed.”

Grunting, but in a silently apologetic way, Raphael paused in his pacing and breathed deeply and slowly. “Sorry.” He said after a moment before he turned and approached his father. Instead of kneeling in front of the table like usual, Raphael dragged one of the cushions around to the other side so he could 

sit near his father as an equal without the furniture between them. Splinter shifted so he could face his son and the two squared off in a heavily pregnant staring contest. Even the air was oppressive and heavy with unsaid words that were as thick as the misty swamps in the southlands.

Clearing his throat awkwardly with a cough, the red clad turtle inhaled slowly and exhaled before he leveled hard and judging amber eyes upon the rat that had raised him and his brothers like children of his blood. “You know why I’m here?”

“Of course,” Splinter nodded, waiting patiently for his son to begin.

Glaring down at his fists that curled upon his knees, Raphael gritted his teeth. He had promised Donnie he would talk, not yell, but the pressure built, hammering at his chest till it burst past his lips and into the open space between them. “I hate you.”

A flicker of hurt and sorrow fluttered across the Master’s face. He stared for several long minutes, hoping to see some form of apology that said he hadn’t mean it to sound as harsh as it did – but nothing came. One of Splinter’s fingers grasped tightly at his robe as though such an action would steel him in preparation for the worst. “As I told you earlier, I’m sorry for all that I did.” Splinter said in a voice far more quiet than intended.

Shaking his head, Raphael inhaled slowly, gathering his center with every pull of air his lungs dragged in. “You don’t deserve Donnie’s love. You don’t deserve anything from us. Even Leo and Mikey have suffered because of you… but they don’t seem to remember that. They just smile and are happy that you say it’s okay now. When was it ever wrong to begin with?”

Splinter just stared at him, his thin, bony hands gripping more tightly together.

“You screwed us up, ya know that?” Raph laughed harshly, his eyes wild as he let it all out to the one man he never thought he would ever raise his voice to in such a manner. “You made us so fuckin’ worried about what you thought and what you would say, that we lost ourselves along the way. Ya stole part of our identities to mold us the way you wanted.” He snarled, pounding a fist against his thigh. “Was I part of your plan for the ‘perfect ninja team’? Was I what you had always wanted?” He scowled.

Frowning, Splinter shook his head, “Raphael, I told you earlier this evening my feelings-”

“But that doesn’t fix me being a cocky and arrogant son of a bitch now does it?” Raph grunted and looked down at his hands. His fingers uncurled and gripped at his knees suddenly; desperately. He took a moment to breathe, not even listening to his father as he tried to explain to him something about ninja training and confidence… it was all bullshit anyway. He wasn’t going to listen to that.

“Whatever. I don’t even care if there is some oh so divine lesson in this. The fact is,” Raphael raised his eyes once more, his shoulders tensing and his jaw tightening a bit more as he prepared himself for what was to come, “you knew you couldn’t win, so you told Donnie he could be with me because you knew you could manipulate Don to get to me. That might be true – hell, I’m here talkin’ to ya because I promised him I would – but you’re goin’ ta get squat from me. My only concern right now is takin’ care of Donatello. I’ll drag Donnie out of here so fast your head will spin if I think you’re takin’ advantage of his faith in you.”

Splinter listened silently, trying not to flinch at his son’s hard words.

“For some reason he thinks you’ve seen the damn light. That ya really do accept us…”

“I do, Raphael. I understand the pain…”

“No you don’t!” He shouted, staring wide-eyed at his father, “How the hell could you know how much pain you’ve caused us? Huh?” Raph shook his head again as he tried to control his temper again. “You threatened a scared kid. What gave you the right to do that?” He asked, contorting his face up in confused pain.

“I am your father.” Splinter explained smoothly as he lowered his ears against his head.

Sighing heavily, Raphael nodded, “I know.” He was quiet for a while, his insides twisting up and letting go quickly in a wild ride of debating what he would say next. He didn’t say anything for a long time and he liked to think that Splinter’s wisdom had kept him from speaking just then as well. Raphael blinked his eyes quickly and focused on his breathing while he settled himself. It needed to be said. “I-I do understand why you broke us apart.” He admitted, frowning down at his knuckles.

Splinter’s ears twitched and perked up quickly as he studied his son’s face.

“I really do understand. We were young. We were too young to deal with emotions like that. It was like we were playing ‘house’ with a pack of matches and a can of gasoline. Who knows what woulda happened if we had been allowed ta do whatever we liked so young. Honestly, one of us might be dead.” Raph admitted, his eyes gazing off for a moment as he tried to mentally pinpoint where they might have died before he shook himself out of it and glared once more at his father, but he stayed eerily calm and his voice remained rational and smooth. “But you handled it all wrong. Ya threatened a ten year old kid. You never let me explain whenever something happened. You would always single Donnie out and drag him in here ta ‘talk’. But most importantly, ya never listened to us. You didn’t bother tryin’.” Raphael frowned.

“I was so angry….” He whispered, shaking his head and bowing his head down a bit more. “I’m still angry about it. If anythin’, you messed me up the most.” He lifted his eyes and stared directly into the warm brown eyes that flickered with hurt. Raph remembered those eyes as being so comforting as a child, but they had changed over the years and the older he’d become. It was just the disillusionment of growing up, but he wished he could be a kid again now and then just so he could look into those eyes and feel like his dad had all the answers and was the smartest guy in the whole world. Sure, he was probably wiser than most of the humans on all of the planet, but he had lost that god-like quality soon after he had turned twelve and had been given their weapons.

“I was so angry all the time.” He continued. “I couldn’t like you because of everythin’ you had done. Ya wouldn’t let Donnie come ta me for comfort of any kind. It’s like you thought…” He stopped and grunted. “I get that ya didn’t want somethin’ ta happen – but Donnie and I were more than capable of controllin’ ourselves. The few times we did get out of hand with each other we stopped. Either I or Donnie would put a halt to anythin’ that might have begun.”

Splinter finally shifted. “Past encounters did happen; haven’t they?”

Raphael only nodded, not daring to look in his eyes.

Closing his eyes, the elderly rat took a moment to absorb that new bit of information.

“Sensei?” Raphael asked quietly. Amber eyes lifted to stare into his father’s alert eyes. “Why didn’t you trust me?”

“I do trust you, Raphael.” Splinter whispered. “What I didn’t trust were your new found teenage emotions. Even as teenagers you were too young to deal with such emotions as well as the new physical changes you were experiencing.”

“But it killed me. I had to stay away from him… I don’t mean I was horny or nothin’ like that.” Raph couldn’t’ stop a small smirk touching his face, but it fell quickly and he continued. “I mean it killed me because I literally had to stay away from him because if I didn’t, you would always give me that look,” Raphael frowned, watching his father’s face flicker in the candlelight and blending in with the rest of the golden warmth and shadows that surrounded him like a natural cloak. “You’ve always pulled Don farther away from me.” Raphael finished with a sigh, his eyes distancing themselves as he looked to the side. “We couldn’t even just talk. I lost him after awhile.” Raph closed his eyes and bowed his head. “I missed him so much. I guess I’m tryin’ ta say, I missed having my friend. I missed havin’ my brother… but I mostly missed havin’ him.” He whispered. “He always knew what ta say, and he calmed me… but then I didn’t have that; so I got angry.”

The room seemed to chill and the two figures shivered in the wake of the icy fingers that tickled across the backs of their necks. Whiskers twitched and frail looking hands curled into fists as the words became a wave of guilt within his heart. Splinter lifted his eyes and the flickering candlelight reflected off the warm brown orbs as he slowly moved forward, his hands inching across the floor as his old body bowed forward, his brow pressing to the floor before he squeezed those eyes closed, his ears laying flat against the shifting colors of his fur in the firelight.

“Don’t…” Raphael breathed, shaking his head, his own face twisting in a mixture of despair and disgust.

“I am sorry my son. I never wished to hurt you.”

“You can’t just apologize and expect it to fix this!” Raph screamed, his shoulders slumping as he pressed his hands to the course tatami mats. He shook his head violently in denial.

“I believed I was protecting you both. I didn’t believe I would shatter your souls the way I appear to have done.”

“You can’t!” Raphael dug his nails into the mat and he trembled slightly as everything he thought and believed began to solidify or crumble with every breath. He wasn’t sure what was more shocking – that his father was still asking for forgiveness, or the fact he felt his heart soften enough to hope he could someday give him that.

“I only ever loved you, Raphael. You and your brothers are all I have in this life, and it pains me to know I have caused such pain and such turmoil to your spirits. I understand and accept that forgiveness will need to be earned over time. But I swear to you on the honest life my Master Yoshi led, I have given you my blessing. I only wish for you four to be happy and loved, even after I am gone. I am so proud of you. 

You are strong and skilled in the arts of Ninjustu, but what I am most proud of, is seeing just how devoted you are to both your brothers, and to your chosen mate. It fills me with pride to know my sons will not let even an old, confused rat get in the way of love – because I know love is the greatest strength you hold within, Raphael.”

Raphael clenched his teeth as he shook, his head bowing lower as the angry fire within became nothing more than dying ember’s flickering within his chest. “I still won’t forgive you…” He choked out, his hands quivering all the harder against the floor.

“And I accept that. I only wish for you to know I love you, and I am happy for you and Donatello.” Splinter whispered and his older body shook as he waited for the verdict.

A new weakness filled Raphael’s chest. He closed his eyes as a bitter smile clawed at his face before his features twisted up and he looked ready to cry. “Really…?” he asked, his voice quavering with urgency; he needed to know.

Splinter slowly raised himself from his bow and fingertips slid across the mats as he nodded reverently. “Yes, my son, I give you and Donatello my blessing to be with each other however you please.”

The turtle shook his head, shaking violently despite how determined he was to hide it. Even the moisture in his eyes couldn’t be hidden away with the rapid blinking of his eyes. “No, not that… You love me?”

Parting his lips and reaching out to his son, Splinter cupped Raphael’s watery cheeks and leaned towards him, “I am wounded that you needed me to say it, my son. But yes, I love you and your brothers very much.”

Raph growled slightly in his throat, pulling away from his father as he pressed the heel of his hand to his eye, and he bore his teeth as tears ran in rivers down his cheeks. Shudders traveled down his spine and his stomach twisted into knots. He nodded slightly and bowed forward suddenly, silent for almost a full minute before a choked, “Thank you, Father,” tumbled from his throat and said all that was needed to be said.

-- --

(flops over) got it... out... (gasps) oh my...

sorry this took FOREVER!! but I really do blame the characters, for one, they kept telling me it wasn't right yet (which, having just figured it out and fixed it, i totally agree), and also... (coughs) Trucker!Raph took over my brain for awhile. ... yeah.

anyway. Firstly, I'd have to thank Geaven. Sorry I never sent you this chapter like you asked; I really was going too!... ... o.0 yeah. But still, just that one comment 'Don't over think it' seriously fixed half the problems I had with this chapter. you are the best! :)

And secondly, I'd have to thank Lifehouse XD I love Lifehouse! They are the bestest! I bought a new laptop about 2 weeks ago, and while transfering all my iPod stuff over onto it, Lifehouse was the first to 

make its way onto my laptop, so I would listen to them while I was fixing up my new toy. well, alot of their songs are just muse-inspiring for me and it got me writing like crazy. I have about 4 or 5 other TMNT stories written/started because of them, and they helped ease my brain or something to get this chapter figured out and finished. so yes, go listen to a Lifehouse song as a tribute XD maybe 'Breathing' as a recommend; or Sick Cycle Carousel as a fun song!

but oh... man, this chapter was hard; I didn't want Raph to be a ranting, raving anger-machine; so I had to really carefully chose my words or figure out how to get Raph into the right mindset so he wouldn't go off on a yelling spree. Writing the Donnie Raph stuff earlier also helped. I always said in this series that Donnie always knows the right way to calm Raphie down... so I was trying to prove that. sadly though, I made Donnie a sniffling girl -.- sorry. I didn't mean too.

But the ending. That was what fixed this whole thing. i think it clicked in my head that for Raph, it wasn't completely about Splinter splitting them up. he even admits he understands why he did. For him, it's feeling like he isn't the good son. even the first TMNT movie, Splinter seems like he has to reassure Raph that he loves him and is there for him. I think Raph finally slapped me upside the head and said 'duh!' because i at least touched on part of the issues he's holding inside. he's not forgiving Splinter at the end, but he is at least acknowledging that he was scared he was secretly hated. Raphie is a big teddy and I guess I'm feeling like that because he can't be a part of the surface world, and he's been forced to ignore this love he's held for one of his brothers for so long, that now that it’s out in the open and he's not giving a damn what his father thinks... that maybe Raph is scared that his father will hate him (though Raph would try and act like it doens't bug him... he would).

bleh, enough babble. i hope you liked it :) I know it's kinda sparse for a 3 month wait of an entry, but it at least moved the characters forward and I'm pleased with it. I feel like I captured something with Raphael so I have no complaints now. I hope you'll leave feedback :) I think maybe only one chapter remains for this series; something to wrap it up for Raph and Donnie... then it's onto Fearless Leader!! :D

-Melissa the Damgel