Blacker than Night

Hush, little baby, don't say a word…

I rock slowly back and forth in the chair. The nursery is painted in a deep yellow with white trim and in the soft glow of the nightlight, the walls gleam a comforting candle flame shade. I hold her in my arms, wrapped in a soft wool blanket. I smile as I sing the words of a lullaby softly in quiet of the room. She nurses at my breast and we are content as sleep is nearly upon us both. I feel the weight of her body grow heavy in my arms and I know that she is almost ready to be put down again in the bassinet. As tired as I am, I don’t want to let go. I let my head fall back and start to drift a little myself…not dreaming just relaxing as her suckling slows and her breathing deepens.

Smiling happily to myself, I look down and scream in pure terror.

A doll, ugly, cracked, bleeding, and scarred stares back at me. Her blue eyes are blank and her rosebud mouth is pinched tight but I swear…I swear I can hear her crying for me…

Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird…

I wake, struggling free of the blankets, hearing the echo of a scream ring in my bedroom. From his pillow on the floor, Bruno whines at me. His ears are pinned back and he is on full alert. My stomach rumbles then gurgles evilly and it is all I can do to make it to the bathroom in time. I empty the contents of my stomach and lay there in a quivering heap as the tremors work their way through my system. It’s just another night of many since I returned from the desert.

And if that mockingbird won't sing…

“I suppose you know why I’m here.”

“I think I do. News travels fast. I expect you’re still having trouble-adjusting-to all of the recent changes in your life. Unless something else has happened since. “

I stare at him, unable to believe that he might have seen something beyond the obvious. I’d thought I’d done a good job of hiding my anxiety. “Well, nothing as dramatic as that, I assure you,” I lie casually. He doesn’t buy into the bullshit I’m selling.

“Do you ever answer a question with a straight answer?” he asks with barely concealed impatience.

“Depends.”

He smiles, shaking his head. “I suppose I should be grateful that you’re talking to me at all. I actually expected to see you sooner than this though.”

“Really?” For some reason that makes me smile.

“Yes.”

“And why is that?”

“Your abduction by the miniature killer came pretty close on the heels of our last series of visits. You hadn’t had enough time to recover from the first bought of problems when another set landed in your lap.”

I shrug. “That’s the story of my life, Rob. One thing after another. No stopping. No pauses. I feel like I always have to be on my guard.”

Rob Stevens looks at me pointedly. “You’re not sleeping again.”

“No. And food has little interest. But give me a some credit. I’m here. I called you. No one pushed me to go.” I make a casual study of the psychology books on his wall, noting not for the first time that I’d read many of them over the years in order to help me through the rough patches in my life.

“Why? Why did you come?” The gloves are off and all pleasantries are forgotten.

I roll my shoulders to ease a stubborn knot and sit up a little straighter. “Because I need some advice. I’m hoping you can help me.”

Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring…

I haven’t slept and I haven’t eaten but it doesn’t matter. I get off shift and make the drive out to the field where Gil’s set up his bee study and suit up. I hate bees. He knows this. And yet here we are. I shake my head at what my life has become but put a smile on my face regardless. This, I remind myself forcefully, is the reason I’m doing what I am. This is what makes putting up with Ronnie worth it. Gil and I can be together. Finally. In every true sense of the word, a couple. And if it means facing thousands of bees to do it then that is what I will do.

He’s checking in on his colonies before he heads into work and we talk about the bees and what he’s doing. Suddenly, he turns to me and says, “I think we should get married.” And I jerk and get stung for my trouble.

He takes my hand and starts scraping away the stinger. I’m stunned but overjoyed. I’d never thought I’d hear those words from him and after two years of sneaking around in the dark, there is suddenly sunshine overflowing in my life. I’ve honestly never been this happy. He asks me what I think…code for please, I need an answer and I tell him, “Yes.” We try to kiss through the masks and laugh at each other for our stupidity. We stay there until it’s time for him to leave and I walk with him out to his truck. He opens the door but then tells me to wait and pulls out the cocoon that he’d sent me from Williams during his sabbatical.

“You know, I was waiting for the damn thing to hatch and it never did. And really, there hadn’t been a good time to give it to you before…before…”

I place a finger on his lips, quelling his words and smile softly at him. “So, I was right?”

“Excuse me?”

“The day you came back, you said I’d be surprised when it hatched. I’ve thought about it a lot…what could be in there…Was I right in thinking you planted something inside?”

“Only one way to find out.” He offers the branch to me and I accept it, so excited that I can’t control my shaking hand. I gently pry the silken pouch apart and to my ultimate pleasure, I am rewarded when an elegant gold band drops into my waiting palm. “Oh, Gil…it’s lovely.” There are tears in my eyes as he pinches it between his fingers and pushes it smoothly home on one of mine.

This time when I reach for him there are no masks in the way and our lips meet tenderly as we share our first kiss as an engaged couple.

And if that diamond ring turns brass…

Another night and I’m pinned to the toilet again. Every time I see the doll’s face something inside of me bursts forth and I can’t breathe or think and my stomach explodes. The only blessing is that I’ve been able to hide it all from Gil. Gil and I aren’t sharing a bed anymore…at least not at the same time unless we happen to get a night off that coincides. Those have been few and far between so it hasn’t been an issue. I struggle to get off the floor and brush my teeth before he comes home.

Somewhere between the bathroom and the bed, my cell phone goes off. I look at the screen and sigh, knowing that seeing Brass’ id flash is not a good sign. I answer and listen patiently as he details a gruesome development in one of my cases. One thought keeps flying about in my brain, bouncing viciously off the sides of my skull. “I’m too tired for this,” I mentally chant but agree to meet him anyway. I hang up and get dressed.

Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass…

A week later finds me sitting in the locker room feeling more than a little lost. I’m not quite sure why I’m still at the lab. My shift was over hours ago. Was I waiting for Grissom?

I twist irritably, trying to get a little more comfortable and the light catches my ring. I watch the way the diamond captures the light and glows with an inner fire. So pure. So beautiful. My hand shifts and the ring catches the reflection of the exit sign’s light and turns blood red. Suddenly I remember why I’m sitting on a hard bench staring at my engagement ring.

I’m trying to block out the slasher scenes I’d just been witness to on the television. Anger tears through me. As if we don’t deal with enough of that shit on the job! The emotional force behind the thought makes my mouth go dry. I try to take stock. I know I’m taking things too seriously. I know I’m overreacting and it’s just a lot of fake blood and trumped up special effects but it doesn’t matter. I can’t deal with people laughing at someone being sliced up for fun. My stomach is roiling violently and I’m scared I’m going to loose it completely.

I reach into my pocket for my phone and make another appointment with Rob. I had hoped talking to him the first time would have helped me move past this but…I’m starting to realize that there is way more here than meets the eyes. My problems are the size of an iceberg and to date we’ve only crested the top.

Greg comes in and sits with me. I don’t want the company but he was obviously concerned enough to seek me out and it would be rude to tell him to go away and I’d feel horrible after I did. Being rude to Greg is like kicking a puppy. Only an inhuman, insensitive jerk would dare do it. “What up?” he queries and straddles the bench. His boyish stance should have made me smile but in some odd way it only makes me sadder. I remember being like him. Excited, eager, light-hearted. Emotions I feel now only when Gil is around. I don’t want to say anything but I can’t help myself. I blurt out exactly what I’m thinking in that moment.

I don’t remember the exact wording but I do remember telling Greg that I’m tired of dealing with death. That’s it’s all around me and that I don’t feel like anything we’re doing here is helping.

He nods and shifts a bit closer, grabbing my hand. Feeling my icy palms he chaffs them gently and then turns over my one hand to reveal the diamond. He nods at my ring and says, “It’s not everywhere, Sara. It’s not here.” He’s one of the few people I’ve told about Grissom’s proposal. No one else has noticed the rock on my finger. Or perhaps they have and no one cares.

It’s not here. Greg’s words slip inside me like a worm burrows through an apple. I bite my lip and nod, pretending to agree but afraid to speak. I know deep inside that he’s wrong. He’s wrong. It’s there too.

And if that looking glass gets broke…

…I smile as I sing the words of a lullaby softly in quiet of the room. She nurses at my breast and we are content as sleep is nearly upon us both. I feel the weight of her body grow heavy in my arms and I know that she is almost ready to be put down again in the bassinet. As tired as I am, I don’t want to let go. I let my head fall back and start to drift a little myself…not dreaming just relaxing as her suckling slows and her breathing deepens.

Smiling happily to myself, I look down and scream in pure terror.

A doll, ugly, cracked, bleeding, and scarred stares back at me. Her blue eyes are blank and her rosebud mouth is pinched tight but I swear…I swear I can hear her crying for me…

Mama's gonna buy you a billy goat…

I bolt up again and curse myself when I realize I actually fell asleep. I wasn’t supposed to. Gil was home and I had a night off. I was only going to lie down for as long as it took him to fall asleep and then I was going to get up and go watch television in the other room. If I fell asleep on the couch out there I would have the easy excuse of not having the same sleep schedule as him and that would be that. I look down at my partner uneasily and see that his eyes are still closed and that he hasn’t moved since I woke up. My held breath escapes in relief and I ease myself gently from the bed and head downstairs. I pop the television on the Discovery channel and let myself drift off to the drone of documentaries.

And if that billy goat won't pull…

“Sara? Time to get up, honey. You’re going to be late for work.” There’s a hand on my shoulder and he shakes me gently then drops in to kiss me ‘good morning’. I groan and roll over, squinting at him.

“It’s that late already?”

“Yes. Are you alright? You look like you haven’t slept.”

I hadn’t but I wasn’t going to admit it. My stomach, however, has other plans. I sit up too quickly and pay for it as my vision swims. His concern is obvious as he reaches out a hand to steady me. I have no choice but to try and explain my little spell away. “Actually, no, I don’t feel good at all. I might be coming down with something.”

“You’re never sick.” He places a hand on my forehead. “You are a little warm. Do you have anything important on tonight?”

“Yes. I’ve got an interview scheduled on the Peterson case and I’ve got two reports due by the end of shift providing I don’t get called out. I have to go in.”

He knows better than to argue with me when I tell him I’ve got a tight schedule but his face tells me that he doesn’t like what he’s hearing. “Alright. How about you go get your shower and I get some coffee going?”

“You should be in bed. Sleeping. I can do this.”

“I’m fine,” he tells me, stealing my favorite phrase.

He pats my shoulder and before he walks away, I give his hand a squeeze. “Thanks Gil. I’ll be down in a few minutes.”

I try to make good on that promise, but not many minutes later, I’m retching, racing for the toilet before I can turn on the water to cover it. The sounds carry through the quiet of our townhome. I don’t have the strength to make it to the sink to clean up before he appears in the doorway.

“You’re not going in tonight.” He says passing me a cool cloth for my head and I nod reluctantly. He’s looking at me expectantly, as if he’s waiting for me to say something more but I keep my own counsel and he doesn’t press. He helps me make it to the bed and goes to the kitchen to grab the bottle of water I requested. I lay there in the dark and consider things carefully. One thought keeps circling around my brain and for the first time I acknowledge that I might be pregnant.

Mama's gonna buy you a cart and bull…

“Another day, another body, another life destroyed. It never ends. I used to think death was the end but there are so many layers to the violence we see. So many degrees of dead. I used to be able to step back. It hurt me but I was able to keep a part of me from it. Now…there’s nothing left to protect.”

“What’s changed, Sara?”

“I have. And there’s no going back.”

“How?” Rob asks patiently, giving me time to answer to ease some of the pressure he knows I’m feeling but it doesn’t help.

I’m so tightly wound that I’m afraid if I let go even a little, the rest of me will fall apart into nothingness. Instead of giving him the main reason, I circle around the truth. “I escaped all of this. I struggled and I survived. I did that swearing I’d never be a victim again…but she…she… When she took me-”

“She? She who? Natalie?”

I nod awkwardly somehow not able to say her name at that moment, “When she took me…she made me a victim again. It’s twenty-six years later and I’m back to where I started…all because I thought that I was helping to make things better. She would never have gotten me if I’d been able to leave this world behind. I should never have changed my focus. I should have gotten my doctorate and…”

“So you’re blaming yourself, really. That’s what you’re saying. You’re blaming yourself for becoming a ‘victim’. You’re blaming yourself for letting her take you.”

My eyes narrow in anger. I know that Rob is baiting me but I’m unable to ignore the hook. “Who else is to blame? Natalie?” Her name burst out of me in a bolt of temper. “She’s insane, right? Can’t blame her. She’s not responsible for her actions. Who else can I blame?”

Rob’s quiet for a long minute, not bothering to give me arguments. He’s way more concerned about getting to the crux of my issues. “Just how serious do you think this is?”

“Serious enough to want to stop.” My tone is both defiant and heart-broken. “I can’t face it anymore. I-I think I need to quit.”

“A break, at least…” he began, but I shook my head.

“No, Rob. Quit. I’ve always been an all or nothing person. The dreams I’ve been having? They’re more than just some crazed rearrangement of facts…they’re a warning. I’m sure of it now. I’ve got to stop this or…”

“Or what?”

“Or…you might as well sign me up for a room beside Natalie’s. There’s just too much in here, right now. I’m losing myself and I can’t let that happen…I have to pull it together. So much is at stake.” My hand sneaks across my belly before I realize it’s moved and I try to cover the gesture by linking my fingers in my lap.

But Rob doesn’t miss a trick. “Sara, you’ve been remarkably open with me since you walked into my office the other day, but I still feel you’re holding something back.”

For an answer I hold up my ring. “He wants to marry me Rob. But I can’t…not like this. I need help.”

His gold eyes catch mine and hold them for an indeterminable length of time before he sighs and lets me get away with that excuse. “I can help you,” he says quietly. “If you let me.”

And if that cart and bull turn over…

I’m being a bitch and I know it. I can’t seem to stop the nastier side of my personality from erupting at every little annoyance. I’m beyond impatient. I’m sick to my stomach. I haven’t been able to do anything about my sleeping or eating problems. And my sense of humor has gone right out the window. The sessions with Rob have eased my nightmares a little but because I haven’t felt much difference personally, everything just feels like it’s crowding in on me. I’ve been short with both Ecklie and Ronnie today…they would say more so than normal…and I’m sure everyone in the lab is relieved when a call comes in for a CSI to go to a double homicide. Everyone else is busy so I go it alone; a situation that I assume is preferable from everyone else’s perspective.

Twenty minutes later, I’m at the scene of that double murder connected to the case with the FBI agent’s missing child file, trying to keep to myself as much as possible. I think random thoughts like, it’s okay, I can make it through another shift…I’m getting stronger, I’m seeking help…things really aren’t as bad as I think and then Gil shows up and every positive notion I conceive goes to hell in a handbasket. I look at him and I wonder who the frig it is I think I’m fooling? Not him. He knows something’s off with me. Despite the fact that Gil and I are on different shifts, we’ve been working together a helluva lot in the last couple of weeks and I can’t hide my emotions well enough to keep him from seeing them. To top it all off, I’m almost positive I’m pregnant. The mood swings alone are a dead give away. It’s only pure stubbornness that keeps me from going to a store and buying a kit to confirm it. It’s just one more thing to deal with. One more thing to worry over and I just can’t let myself believe it until I’m thinking a lot more clearly. So, for now, I ignore the signs and just try to live in the moment.

However, this particular moment is not one I would have chosen under any circumstances. This case is horrible. It effectively distracts me from my own little personal well of issues.

I listen, processing in my own little corner of the kitchen, offering a comment only when I think I can give a controlled answer, and everything’s okay. Everything’s fine until I hear Doc Robbins confirm that the husband who had died at the hospital had been there and alive while his wife was being raped and killed. And it hits me. It hits me soooo hard. I can’t finish up fast enough. I can’t pack up my kit with enough speed to get the hell out of there before Gil sees what I’m trying so hard to hide.

Of course Gil’s aware of my panicked flight. How could he not be? I feel like I have a damn billboard advertising my state of distress plastered to my forehead. Of course he follows me out asking me if I’m okay. What can I answer? The closest thing to the truth, I guess. “I don’t know.” I try to distract him…and myself really, asking how the victims are chosen but his answer only makes me feel worse. His explanation holds on the barest of patterns and I can’t shut my response down inside of me. It escapes without warning. “So…basically at random,” I mutter with a catch in my throat. “They were spending a night on the sofa, watching a movie. It’s just…ummm…” I can’t even look at him at this point. I turn away and head to my truck muttering, “It’s just wrong.”

I make it back to the lab, log my evidence and clock out. I ache. I feel like I’ve been turned inside out so that every raw nerve is exposed. I make one stop because the urge to do it batters down what little defenses I have left. Once home I head straight for the shower, trying to drown my fear and my doubts but there’s little change after twenty minutes under the hot spray. I towel off and reach for the package I’d left on the counter reading through the instructions with a single-minded intensity. It says to wait until morning, but I can’t. I have to know. Suddenly, it is the only thing that matters in the world.

My cell phone’s ringing when I finish in the bathroom and though I’m tempted to ignore it I know I can’t. I shuffle over with Bruno on my heels and answer it softly. “Hey, Gil.”

“Just checking in. I’m going to be here a while. Didn’t want you to worry.”

“Thanks. I appreciate that.”

“Sara-“

“Please, Gil, not now. It’s not the right time and you’re busy.”

“We need to talk.”

I close my eyes, nodding in agreement despite the fact he can’t see me. “Yeah. Yes, we do. Be careful. I’ll see you when you get home.”

“Alright, Sar. Be there as soon as I can.”

I hang up and flop back on the bed and I lay there for almost an hour, staring at the little white stick with the positive result.

Mama's gonna buy you a dog named Rover…

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know, Bruno’s licking my face and I can hear sounds in the kitchen. The clock reads 2am. I groan and carefully lift myself off the mattress thinking that there’s no time like the present to get things figured out and trudge down to the kitchen.

Gil’s making coffee. A sight in and of itself that’s odd because he never drinks coffee when he comes home. He hasn’t removed his glasses or his shoes and his briefcase is still sitting by the door. He turns abruptly when I come in, an apologetic look on his face. “Sorry. I tried not to wake you.”

I wave him off. “You didn’t. Bruno did. What’s going on?”

“I have to fly out. This case is starting to come together. I need to go to New York.”

“Oh. Tonight?”

“Yes. Flight leaves in a couple of hours. I just have enough time to pack and run. Sorry, Sara. I know we need to talk but…”

I force a smile. “It’s okay. Everything can wait for now.”

He looks at me closely and then says. “No, it’s not okay. And I know it.” He reaches for my hand and then pulls me into his warm embrace. “I won’t be gone long. Listen, I know…I know you like to try to handle things your own way and I’m not trying to tell you what to do but maybe…maybe you should make an appointment to see Rob. Maybe things are getting to you right now and you need someone neutral to talk to. Take a couple of days’ sick leave and get your head together. This job…is…it can be devastating. It never hurts to reach out when it gets to be too much. If I had done that a few months ago, I would have been much better off.”

Rather than take offense or try to refuse, I simply nod against his chest. “Okay. Thanks.”

He leaned away from me so he could see my face. “What? No argument? No, ‘I’m fine?’”

Determined not to look away, I shake my head slowly. “No. I think I’ll do exactly that.” I lean up and kiss him softly and then pull away. “I’ll pack a bag for you while you get your equipment together.”

And despite the fact that I was trying to reassure him, I think I scared him even more.

And if that dog named Rover won't bark…

“Have you told him yet?”

“No.” I hold up a hand at Rob’s look. “I was going to, when he got home, but he got called out of town unexpectedly and I thought it would be best to have it confirmed before he gets back. No sense in getting crazy about something-“

“You know you’re pregnant. The test confirmed it. His going out of town just bought you a little time, that’s all.”

“Yes. Yes, it did. Maybe it was supposed to.” This wasn’t an official visit. In fact, we weren’t even in his office. Rob had agreed to meet me as soon as Gil had left at a coffee shop just down the street from my home. I guess my call to his personal cell phone line at four in the morning had him a little concerned.

He snorted in answer to my theory. “What? You mean fate stepped in and decided you needed a little more time to get things worked out and poof…a reprise landed in your lap?”

“Yeah. Sure. Sounds good.”

“You don’t believe in fate anymore than I do. Leaving things to fate is the ultimate surrender of control and you’re not capable of that.”

Wow. That was honest. Rob wasn’t holding back at all now. “No. You’re right. It’s one of the reason’s I’m having so many problems right now.”

Maybe it was my defeated tone or my lack of emotion but he backed off and approached me with a little more care. “You said when you called me that you’d made a decision. That you’ve figured out what you wanted.”

“I’m going to give my notice. I have to. I can’t deal with the violence anymore and I need to free myself from that black place that Natalie pushed me into.”

He was shaking his head before I’d finished speaking. “That’s drastic, Sara. You’d be better off taking a leave of absence.”

“No. It needs to be a clean break. I know that. My only issue right now is what to do about, Gil.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m scared. I’m really, really scared, Rob. Everything I’m going through just seems too familiar, you know? I’m reliving my past and if things play out the way they might then it’ll destroy everything. I’ll hurt him, Rob. So badly. I don’t want to hurt him.”

“How do you think you’ll hurt him?”

“I used to have a clear vision of my future, Rob. A clear understanding of what I wanted and who I was. I’ve lost that. At first I thought Natalie had taken that away from me but that was just a cop-out. The truth is that my life is heading down a path I’d never thought I’d take and I’m having a very hard time understanding how things got to this point.”

“You never thought you’d be on the verge of marriage,” he inserted knowingly.

“No. Never thought I’d ever trust anyone enough to accept a proposal.”

“Never thought you’d have a child,” he continued, reading me like a book.

“No. I don’t know if I’m fit to be a parent…and with my past…” I sigh, letting the words drift off. “What if I can’t do this, Rob? What if I try and fail?”

Mama's gonna buy you a horse and cart…

Gil’s made it back from New York but once again we are on totally separate schedules and we behave more like room-mates that a couple on the brink of marriage. We’ve yet to have that talk we promised ourselves but things are not feeling quite so dire as they did before he left and there’s no great sense of urgency about it. Maybe Gil feels this too and it’s the reason he hasn’t pushed me any further.

Some of the pressure has lifted and I feel a little better about life and my place in it. I’ve had another couple of sessions with Rob and some of my anxiety about the pregnancy and marriage is easing. Work hasn’t been that difficult lately. Several of the cases passing my ‘desk’ have been of the light variety so I’m able to let my guard down which makes the day to day business of making a living on other people’s misery a little easier to take. I squeezed in a visit to my gynecologist purely to confirm what I’ve finally come to accept and allow myself to get a little excited about the idea of being a mom. I even go so far as to leave a little note on my pillow asking Gil formally for a date that evening ( our first night off together in ages) and hum to myself happily as I drive to the lab. I make reservations for two at our favorite restaurant and think about how I’m going to tell him my news. Or should I say our news?

However, everything falls to pieces after I hit the lab.

What is it they say about the best laid plans? That they often go awry? I guess that’s just a fancy way of saying that life has a habit of kick the chair from under you when you least expect it and the landing could be harsh in the extreme.

I didn’t plan on the supposed suicide of a college student. I didn’t plan on running into Hannah West, the murderous prodigy with the unhealthy fixation on her brother. I didn’t plan on becoming so obsessed with the outcome of a case that I let a little girl tie me knots until I couldn’t see which end was up and what was right or wrong.

I’d said before I’d lost perspective when dealing with a case or a suspect but I was sadly in error. In all honesty, if one is able to back away from a problem to examine one’s actions for right or wrong, have they really lost perspective? Reason might be a little late in arriving but it’s not lost completely if it makes an appearance at some point, right? There is some vestige of one’s personal code of ethics still operating…still forming judgments and weighing arguments thus implying perspective still exists.

No, up until the day Marlon West committed suicide in his cell after being told by his little sister that she was going to let him rot in a cell for a crime he didn’t commit, I had never truly understood what it was to lose complete and utter perspective. Seeing that boy hanging there should have stopped me; should have had some impact, any impact other than the one it did. I saw him as a means to an end. Yes, he death disturbed me but it didn’t take long for my agile, devious brain to find a way to use it to my advantage.

On the drive to the university, I kept trying to figure out why Hannah bothered me so much. How she’d managed to burrow deep under my skin. Why I was so obsessed with beating her and making her pay for her crimes. But it wasn’t until I’d cornered her on the campus lawn and delivered personally the news and evidence of her brother’s death that I’d understood completely why I was so determined to take her down.

I saw myself in her. The intellect, the anger, the adult perception and understanding of the world wrapped in a young teenage body. The isolation, the appearance of control but the insecurity shrouded in a false cloak of bravado. It was all there. Everything I fought hard to forget. Everything I hated most about myself at that age.

I wanted to hurt her when I told her about Marlon’s death. I wanted to break through that arrogant little witch’s smug shell to let her know how badly she’d miscalculated. I wanted to watch her crumble, to rip her world to shreds and gloat just as childishly as she had done in the interview room to me. I wanted to destroy her.

And I did. Oh god, I did. I watched her stumble to the ground and sob brokenly and I hated myself so much in that instant that I almost couldn’t breathe.

How could I have done that? How? It was so against everything I’d ever wanted for myself in life. Everything I fought hard to deny. Where was my compassion? Where was my professionalism? No matter what she’d done, or how badly she’d worked me over, she was still a child. I hadn’t thought twice about using Marlon’s death to hurt his sister. I’d looked at Hannah as if she were some kind of monster, but then what did my actions make me? Is this how I thought justice should be served? Is this what I’d wanted my talents to be used for?

I couldn’t answer those questions and because I couldn’t, I got scared. Everything became a blur of primal need and my world dissolved...

I make my way back to the lab. I don’t remember the drive. I don’t think. I can’t think. I just do what I need to do. I make amends the best way I know how. I leave my vest for Ronnie after stripping my name from its stitches; the act of ripping the threads so compulsive and stark. I sneak into Gil’s office and drop a carefully prepared letter onto his blotter and then retreat like the coward I know myself to be. I pace slowly down the hallways, hunting for him like prey. I track him down finally at Trace and kiss him.

I don’t cry. I don’t speak. I clutch him to me and kiss him passionately with everything I’ve got in me to give. The kiss is so many things all at once. Hello, good-bye, thank-you, I love you…and I am drained and hollow when I pull back. I turn away blindly. My world shrinks to a single purpose and I let my legs carry me out of the lab and into the night.

I get into the cab. It smells like stale cigarettes and aged sandwiches. I clutch my leather bag to me nervously and the driver eyes me curiously but all he asks is, “Where to?”

I draw a blank. I haven’t really thought that far ahead. Where to? I swallow hard, my eyes burning from unshed tears and try to force a response past my lips. “The airport?”

Smiling at my timid reply, he raises his eyebrows. “Are you sure?”

No, is the immediate answer in my head but my mouth says, “Yes. Airport. Please.”

“Okay.” He turns around and then shifts back to face me. “I know…it’s not my business but are you okay?”

“No. But I’m hoping to change that.” I wonder if my face looks as miserable as I feel.

“Alright. I’ll have you at the airport in twenty minutes.”

“Thanks.”

He turns back around and checks his blind spot, moving the car into the flow of traffic. He looks back at me through the mirror and even starts to say something but I think he senses that any small talk wouldn’t be welcome right now. He reaches forward and turns on the radio, thinking that it might relax the tension. Bouncy pop music from the 80’s pours softly from the speakers pricking my skin with its jaunty beat and bubblegum lyrics. I lean back in the seat, watching the lights shift on the strip and we make our way to the terminal.

I keep thinking about the letter. What I wrote. Where I left it. What he must be thinking of me. God, he must hate me. I’d hate me.

I did something I’ve never done before in my life. I chose the coward’s path; something I’ve avoided with every bone in my body since I found myself alone in the world at the age of nine. And I tried to explain it to Gil in the letter but there’s…there’s just no way to describe just how desperate I feel right now. Words just can’t capture the chaos in my head!

I did the right thing, didn’t I? I made the right choice. Didn’t I?

I can’t marry him like this. It wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t be right. I don’t know this stranger that rages inside of me. The line between right and wrong is so blurred that I doubt I’ll ever be able to see straight again. Little by little, everything that I thought I knew about myself is disappearing. I lean my head against the window and breathe as deeply as I can, searching for an answer in the glaring lights but finding nothing of substance. Nothing to cling to. I realize slowly that I’ve been feeling this way for a while now. Since the night she took me and trapped me under a car and left me to die. I’m a shadow of my former self and all the happiness in the world can’t touch me if I don’t find some way of becoming whole again. They didn’t find me in the desert. I’m still there. All they brought back was a shell.

A shell who was about to have a child.

I don’t know what to do about the baby. I’m not in a place where I can accept motherhood. Not after what I did to Hannah.

All the guilt in the world can’t change the facts. I had to leave. There was just no other choice for me.

We arrive at the airport, and I’m searching in my purse for cash to pay the fare when I suddenly recognize the song playing on the radio. It’s one I haven’t heard in a while and it literally stops me in my tracks. “C-Could you turn that up?”

“This?”

“Yeah…”

...Every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart…

And I sit there, tears pouring down my cheeks and I know…I know suddenly where I have to be.

And if that horse and cart fall down…

I slide the key in the lock, opening the door silently, wondering if he is asleep.

From the darkened living room, his voice reaches me quietly. “You came back.” His tone is anything but welcoming. My eyes adjust to the low light and I can see the shadowed shape of him sitting in his armchair, balancing a dark amber drink on the arm. I can’t make out his features.

I push the door closed and lean back against it. “Yes, I had to.”

There’s a tinkle of ice against glass and I see the light slide through it as he takes a slow swallow before lowering it to answer me. “I’m not sure that works for me. I was hoping you’d come back because you wanted to.”

I can’t answer him right away. The pain that pierces my heart all but kills me. And yet, I welcome it, knowing I deserve it for leaving things the way I did. After a moment of wrenching silence, all I can think of to say is, “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should go.”

He’s out of the chair so fast I barely have time to draw a breath. “Don’t! Don’t take even one step!” He crowds me into the door and presses against me hard. His mouth is sweet and spicy and hot as he claims mine; holding my head as his need drugs my senses. There’s such desperation in his kiss that I just stand there, overwhelmed by the naked fear in his touch.
Just as abruptly as he started he stops and pulls back but doesn’t release my face. He leans in close and we are almost nose to nose. “Asking for help, doesn’t make you weak, Sara. It just shows how much you trust the people who care for you. I know you’re having a rough time right now but leaving me isn’t going to solve anything. It’ll only make it worse. I know. I’ve done this, remember? This was my little trick. And it’s just asinine now with you doing it as it was when I ran off to Williams. I thought you were smarter than to repeat the same mistake I made.” He takes a ragged gulp of air and his hands gentle as he sweeps some of the tangled hair away from my eyes. “I love you. What the hell were you thinking?”

“I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking at all. Just reacting. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry,” I moan, burying my head in his shirt.

“Shhhh, Sara, doesn’t matter now. You’re here. We’ll figure this out.”

His words are so mild, I have to ask, “You’re not mad at me?”

There’s a muted growl from the chest beneath my ear but all he says is, “Sara…I don’t know. Yes, probably. Somewhere in my head I’m mad. But I was way too busy being scared to be angry with you. I didn’t know where you were. You weren’t answering your phone. I had no way of finding you…talking to you. Please don’t…don’t ever do that to me again. It’s too much like…when…”

I clutch him to me, unable to let him continue. We are so broken, he and I. I was a fool to think leaving would help either one of us. How could it? Apart, we are the sum of so many jagged edged pieces but nothing truly cohesive and clear. Together, we are halves of a whole and our inadequacies are complimented by the strengths in each other. I was blind not to see it, to recognize it for what it was before now. I was foolish to think running away would make things right. Besides, where would I have gone? The only things worth running to were right here.

You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town…

I rock slowly back and forth in the chair. The nursery is painted in a deep green with white trim and in the soft glow of the nightlight, the walls gleam a comforting rose shade. I hold him in my arms, wrapped in a soft wool blanket. I smile as I sing the words of a lullaby softly in quiet of the room. He nurses at my breast and we are both content as sleep is nearly upon us both. I feel the weight of his body grow heavy in my arms and I know that he is almost ready to be put down again in the bassinet. As tired as I am, I don’t want to let go. I let my head fall back and start to drift a little myself…not dreaming just relaxing as his suckling slows and his breathing deepens.

Smiling happily to myself, I look down and gently lift the tiny hand that’s fisted against my flesh. He grabs onto my one finger with his four tiny ones and I’m absolutely fascinated by the sight. Dark curly locks against pale skin with a tiny bud of a mouth make me sigh in wonder at the infant that Gil and I have created. He’s such a handsome little man; the apple of his father’s eye and personification of everything I’ve always wanted from life. Matthew Alexander Grissom has become my world and for the first time in a long time I am content with the choices I’ve made to make that happen.

So much has changed in my life. I’ve quit the lab, preferring to spend my days and nights devoted to my family rather than my job. I’ve decided to go back to school to pursue my doctorate so that when my child is old enough to attend school himself I’ll be ready to accept a teaching or a research position at that point. Or possibly write. I don’t know exactly what the future holds in store for me but I’m determined to be ready for any possibility.

Grissom is considering taking early retirement. I’m sure that he’d never thought that he’d have an infant son at this late stage in the game but he’s embraced the experience with heartbreaking enthusiasm and resents the time he spends away from us. Matthew consumes him as completely as he consumes me.

Giving birth to Matthew has in some ways been like being reborn myself. I’ve rediscovered what my priorities in life should be. I’ve found hope and joy and beauty in the smallest places that I’m sure I would have been blind to only a year ago. It’s been a long road of self discovery but it has been well worth every part of the journey. If Gil had been suffering from burn out before he went away to Williams, I was two steps beyond but between his unconditional support and Rob’s dogmatic attitude, things were starting to feel good again. I’d been right about needing a clean break from the lab but I’d been wrong about trying to do it on my own. Without their help I would have wallowed in the dark and might never have been able to see the light.

Taking slow, carefully considered steps, I was becoming comfortable walking around in my own skin once more. With Rob guiding me, I was able to sift through many areas of my past that had continued to plague me as well as burry some ghosts that I’d been communing with for far too long. My past no longer filled with me with dread and horror. I’d made a tentative peace with it and the shadows that coated it. I could accept that it was an important butclosed chapter of my life and it did not define me as a person. This was a fresh start for me in so many ways. Shutting the door on death literally opened another that led to life.

A hand is laid against my shoulder. A soft brush of lips is pressed into my hair and I am joined by the father of my child in the haven we’ve created for our son. He’s re-grown his beard and his whiskers tickle my skin as he snuggles into me in greeting.

“Long shift,” I whisper and he nods.

“But nothing tragic tonight,” he replies, his gaze trapped momentarily by the soft swell and fall of our child’s chest. His eyes crinkle when they meet mine, amused by the fact that he’s so easily distracted, as he assists me from the chair. Together we lay Matthew down and then stand at his cradle just watching him sleep. It is a rare moment of softness in a world that seems to wage war against such things and we are content to experience it in companionable silence. But as with everything that comes to be, the moment ends and he wraps an arm around my waist, guiding me through the door to our adjoining room. “Come to bed,” he whispers, slipping my robe easily from my shoulders and wrapping me close to him. I wind my arms around his neck and lean into his frame, reveling in the scent and feel of him; the deep solid strength of him and lose myself in his touch.

A/N: Lyrics for Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler used without permission.