The Incredible You

So I waited a few weeks to see if the title wasn’t nearly as gay as I thought. Surprisingly, it is still really gay, but not a play on Kanda’s name, because Kanda isn’t that important to me. /lie on the importance part

Shocker, isn’t it? Oh, and I totally blame the 80s for not updating for such a long time. :D A few people should get it.

I will try my hardest to make this chapter very good. I cannot promise great, as I possess no positive thoughts pertaining to my own writing skills. I’m such an iffy guy.

And this chapter is dedicated to KISproductions. I hold a great love for them. :DDD Hell, I wish I had a beta so awesome. I’m chocked full of mistakes…just ask my dad. D:

Chapter Nine – So He Said…

“I must say, I’m impressed.”

Allen looked up at the smug Chinese man. “And why are you saying so?” he asked suspiciously.

Komui smiled. “According to Lavi, you two did so well that he has been forever convinced that gay is okay,” he commented idly.

Allen felt a little homicidal after that comment. “Really now?” he replied with a similar smile. “And what else did he say?”

“He also said that if photographing hot guys having sex was a crime, after watching you guys he’d definitely do the time.”

Kanda banged at the door, growling. “Let me the fuck out!” he roared. “I’m going to kill him!”

The British teenager rubbed at his temples. “Is that even virtually possible?” he demanded. “I mean, even if we were having sex—“ A hand was slapped over his mouth.

“No!” Kanda hissed. “Don’t even consider it. Better yet, keep your damn mouth shut.”

Komui looked interested. “You two have known each other for about two weeks and you’re already—“

“You say one more word and I’ll personally give your office a new makeover.” The Japanese model said darkly, hand still on Allen’s mouth. “With your blood.”

“Queer eye for the straight guy, perhaps?” the Chinese man replied shrewdly, hands folded in front of him.

“You’re straight?” Allen asked in disbelief, finally getting Kanda’s hand off his mouth. “Unbelievable.”

“What are you insinuating?”

“I don’t know,” Kanda answered sarcastically. “Maybe that you’re a fucking fag?”

Komui raised a slow eyebrow. “…and why is this so?” he asked.

“I’ve seen gay parades with less color than you.”

“Usually people would be fired to hell and back when they comment about my sexuality like so,” the Chinese man said with a sigh. He flashed an irked smile. “Lucky you’re the best damn model we’ve got, isn’t it?”

The white-haired boy furrowed his eyebrows in thought. “I’m sorry, but you let him treat you like, in lack of a more appropriate term, shit…because he’s sexy enough to get away with it?”

“Yes.”

“So, if I were to become sexier than Kanda, somehow, then what would happen to him?”

Komui blinked. “Well, then I guess he’d become mortal and I’d dock his paycheck if he were to pull another try at my sexuality again.”

“I see…”

Kanda snorted. “Give up while you’re ahead, brat,” he retorted. “You can try being better looking than me…but, you’ll fail. It’s a doomed failure, even.”

Allen smirked. “Okay then, let’s try and see.” He leaned closer to Komui’s desk. “What’s the next assignment you can sign Sir Sexy and I on?”

The director scooted back in his roller chair, reaching into a desk drawer to pull out a thick scheduler. He flipped it open, a pale finger running down a page. “…There is one next Tuesday,” he answered, adjusting his glasses upon the bridge of his nose.

“I wanna sleep in that day,” Kanda muttered, arms crossed.

“Please, be quiet.” Allen turned back to Komui. “And, what magazine is this for?”

“Well, it’s for Baking in New York, and…that is the problem.” The Chinese man winced. “The request itself is quite odd, and I don’t think—“

“We’ll take it.” The British actor interrupted. He smiled charmingly. “It can’t be so hard. I mean, it’s called Baking in New York.”

Kanda growled lowly underneath his breath. “Don’t make fucking decisions for the both of us, shrimp,” he said stiffly.

“You two may want to actually hear what the contents of the set are—“ Komui said, frowning.

“I’m not making decisions for the both of us,” Allen replied, amused. “I’m making decisions for me, plus you. After all, you aren’t that bright, as I have discovered.”

“What?!” the Japanese model snarled. “Who the fuck are you calling stupid?!”

“I mean, there’s nudity involved—“

“I’m calling you stupid, since you need verification.” The younger teen answered calmly.

“I should push you into traffic.”

“—and I’m sure that neither of you like cake so much to the point where—“

“Traffic? Please, it’d be more effective if you got cancer. That way, you could lose your hair while doing the world a favor and die.”

“I’ll cut your hair, brat! Watch me!”

“—and, Jesus, you two aren’t even listening.” Komui pushed his glasses a little farther up upon his nose. “Look, just, get out of my office.” He sighed. “I’ll fax the details to your place. And, by the way, since you two are so utterly immature to the point where I can’t even explain what you’re getting into…there are no take-backs.” His glasses gleamed with an almost evil intent. “You’re stuck with the assignment now.”

And with that, he ushered the two out, not giving them any chance to speak. The door slammed behind them ominously, awakening Reever from his eavesdropping stupor.

“See ya,” he said with a wave. “And that assignment? I would’ve read the details first if I were you.”

Allen nodded, waving with a smile. “Yes, but where’s the excitement in that?” he replied. He walked off towards the elevators, Kanda at his heels.

“If you fucked me over, I will seriously shave every old man stand of hair off your pale head.” The older teenager muttered, slamming the button for the downward elevator.

The white-haired actor clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, amused. “It sounds like you’re scared, Kanda,” he purred, smiling. Clapping his hands together, Allen cocked his head towards the opening elevator. “Can’t handle it?”

Kanda, who rose to Allen’s bait much too easily, huffed. “Don’t try me kid,” he threatened, stepping into the elevator. “I’ve been in the business for years.”

“And now you’re about to be bested by a foreign little upstart.” Allen grinned, coming in as well.

The Japanese man smirked back, the metallic doors closing. “You’re eighteen years too early, kid.”

“No, you’re just fifteen years too late.”

--SCENE BREAK!—

“—and what the hell is the deal with you making life decisions for me?” Kanda grumbled as they walked into the apartment, with rain pattering at the windows. “I didn’t give you my birth certificate and name you ‘father’!”

Allen rolled his gray eyes. “I would rather fall off a building than be related to you. No offense,” he assured, hands raised. “But, how else am I going to prove my point that I’ll be a better model than you?”

“By consulting me first, maybe?”

“Interesting. I’ll be sure to try that next time.”

Kanda sat on the couch heavily, stretching his arms. “Check the fax machine, bean sprout,” he commanded, eyes slipping closed.

“What? Why?!”

“Because I’m older and I told you to.” The black-haired man yawned. “Now hop to it.”

Allen groaned, walking to the fax machine that sat inconspicuously in the corner of the kitchen. He stared at it. “…What am I supposed to do?” he demanded.

“Wait for the details to come in!”

“The entire time?”

“What, do you have a life or something?”

The British teen resisted the urge to throw a glass at the older man. “I’m still in movies, you know!” he retorted. “I’ve got scripts to read over!”

“And you can wait for the damn fax. Now shut the hell up, your voice feels like it’s giving me a brain tumor.”

Way to shut someone down, Kanda. Allen sighed in a long-suffering way and leaned against the counter, watching the fax machine with one eye.

It soon started ringing.

Allen grinned in joy. The pages filtered in through the print, and he waited a moment before taking them out and reorganizing them.

“Papers came in!” he called to Kanda.

“Good job. There’re some Scooby Snacks in the cabinet at the bottom.”

At some point, Allen was going to get Kanda, and he was going to get Kanda good. He decided to postpone that, and leaned against the kitchen counter reading over the details in leisure.

His eyes widened. “…Dear god,” he whispered. “What in the world have I gotten myself into?”

Kanda stepped in. “What the hell? You’re freaking me out more than usual.” He eyed the papers held limply in the boy’s gloved hands. “What do they say?”

“I…I’m going to go cry in the bathroom now.” Allen said quietly. “Call me when you order dinner.”

“What?” The boy rushed by, pushing the papers into his arms roughly. “What the hell are you talking about?!”

The bathroom door slammed closed, and Allen’s broken sobs were all that Kanda could hear in the quiet apartment.

“Drama queen,” he muttered, looking over the papers. “Bet it isn’t even…that…serious…” The papers were dumped on the counter, with Kanda rushing to the room, his decidedly traitorous fax machine in his arms.

He wasn’t going to cry brokenly, but he was going to break the shit out of this fax machine.

--SCENE BREAK!—

Lavi blinked, speechless. It was a Tuesday, and it was quite rainy outside in the metro New York City area.

There are a few things that can make this kind of day abnormal.

“You…you guys aren’t arguing. At all. You just got in, and you both’re quieter than a dead dog.”

And clearly, that was one of them.

Allen sighed, waving his hand in a dismissing motion. “We decided on a truce before we got here,” he explained wearily. “After all, you all know that we foolishly agreed to.”

“I agreed to nothing,” Kanda grumbled. “You’re the one making life choices.”

“And the truce was that Kanda was to shut up at all times.” Allen glared sideways at the taller man. “Looks like it’s been broken.”

“I thought we agreed that the truce was for you to jump off a cliff.”

“And, once again, your obviously advanced intelligence shines through.” Allen replied sarcastically. He grinned. “Would you like a sticker to show your efforts?”

“I’ll kill you.”

The redhead breathed in relief, smiling. “Oh thank you god,” he said happily. “We’re back to normal with you two.” He clapped his hands, camera around his neck. “Okay everyone, panic’s over. Let’s get this set started!”

Allen paled. “N-now?” he whined. “Can’t we wait a little longer?”

“Longer? Oh you are adorable.” Lavi pinched the younger boy’s white cheek. “Of course we can’t wait any longer. The cake’ll fall apart any moment, so we’ve got to get this over and done with.”

“But…”

“No buts!” The green-eyed photographer clapped his hands. “Hey, Miranda, get this guy dressed up! And Toma, get this guy dressed down.”

Kanda snarled as a tall, sandy-haired man began pushing him towards the dressing room on the opposite side. “I’ll kill you for this, bean sprout!” he roared as Toma shoved him into the room, slamming the door.

Allen blinked, offended. “I still don’t know what a bean sprout has to do with me!” he complained as Miranda led him into the dressing room of before.

The pale woman breathed shakily. “Allen, may I ask a favor of you?” she started quietly.

“Oh, of course. What would you like of me, Miranda?” It couldn’t have been so hard that Miranda, of all people, was asking favors.

“I need…for you to take off all of your clothes.”

The British boy stopped breathing. “…No.” He shook his head furiously. “I refuse. I thought I would be allowed all of my clothes, plus the apron.”

The woman trembled, a tear slipping down her cheek. “…You’ll get the apron.”

“Not good enough!”

“And you’ll also get to hold some eating utensils.”

“Dear god why?!”

“I can’t do anything else, I’m sorry.” Miranda released a sob. “I betrayed all of your trust! Please, please, forgive me and my dishonorable ways of work! In fact, don’t forgive me…I’ll go stand in traffic on Broadway!”

Was she seriously considering suicide? Allen couldn’t tell, so he did the only thing he could think of.

“I’ll wear the apron in the buff!” he exclaimed, arms out. “Just, stay alive!”

The dark-haired woman looked at him, a thankful light coming into her eyes. “Oh, thank you so much Allen!” she cried, latching onto the poor boy. “I’ll…I’ll treat you to lunch one day!”

The promise of food made Allen feel a little better…but not by much.

--SCENE BREAK!—

“Sexy, baby!” Lavi crowed, waggling his eyebrow. “The bare ass is a nice touch.”

Allen blushed a deep red. “Please, just…shut up,” he replied calmly, rubbing his temples. He stiffened. “Is there a breeze in here?”

“No, it’s just you, ‘cause you’re naked.” The redhead responded. “Now, are you ready for your exciting slice of cake?”

“…Not really.”

“Too bad, buddy. Buzz! Toma! Roll out the cake!”

With a rumbling roll of wheels from the shadowed corner that led to Kanda’s dressing room, two set crew workers rolled out the single most delicious and gigantic cake Allen had ever seen.

His stomach gurgled. “That…looks so bloody good,” he said with wide eyes. “Will I be eating that?”

Lavi elbowed him, grinning perversely. “Hell yeah, you’ll be getting a slice of that. Now stand and look sexy while I bounce back to snap some photos.” The cake was rolled onto the set, with Toma and Buzz, using extreme caution, slowly picking the heavy cake up and placing it on the ground.

“Is that good enough?” Toma asked Lavi.

The photographer held a thumb up. “That’s just fine!” he replied. He waved his hand at the two. “Now, get the hell off the set…I’ve got to get these pictures!” The eighteen-year-old bit his bottom lip in glee.

The two workers hurriedly got off the set, taking their dolly with them. Allen stood in front of the cake, licking his lips.

“When can I eat it?”

Lavi choked on his laughter. “Hold on, pal,” he said. Adjusting the camera, the older man grinned. “Stand over the cake as sexily as possible (and when I say sexy, I mean wham! I’ve just been hit with an erection sexy).”

And at that moment, Allen also decided that he was going to get Lavi, and he would get Lavi in a way that wasn’t nearly as disastrous as how he would get Kanda, but it would still be good.

Allen stood over the cake, frowning as he tried to resist the urge to eat the damned delicacy.

“Ooo, nice!” Lavi snapped several pictures. “Now, run your finger over the frosting and lick it.”

Much more up Allen’s alley. Touching the pink frosting carefully, the young actor brought the finger to his mouth and licked it.

A picture was snapped immediately.

“Oh man,” Lavi whined. “You are way too good at this, man!”

“I suppose that’s good?”

“Better than good, kid.” The redhead corrected. “That’s great. Now, the part we’ve all been waiting for!” He pointed a finger at a tall, Asian man to the side of the set. “Drumroll, please!”

The Asian man gave up a half-assed drumroll sound.

Lavi went with it anyway.

“Are you ready to eat the cake?” he asked sweetly, hands on his hips.

Allen nodded with a bit more excitement than he should’ve shown.

“Then, prepare yourself, becaaaause…!” He inhaled a large breath. “The cake is a lie!”

With that, an ever familiar Japanese model thrashed through the top of the cake, breathing heavily and face enraged.

The shock on Allen’s face was more than enough to make Lavi cry tears of joy, because he was struggling quite hard to not laugh his ass off.

“O…Okay, okay,” he wheezed, snapping a picture. “That was just for the hell of it. Now, remember how you’ve wanted to eat that damn cake this whole time, Al?”

The British boy shook his head, the memory escaping him with the revealing of Kanda as the delicious cake that he must eat.

“Refresh it, because you’re gonna get a big slice today,” he cackled, eye closed. “Just lick the cake off of Yuu’s face.”

“You want me to do what with what?” Allen demanded, snapping out of his stupor.

Kanda scowled, offended. “I don’t want your damn tongue on my body either way, so fuck you too.”

“All you need to do is lick the cake off of Yuu’s face,” Lavi assured. “That is probably the most explicit and hardcore thing in this set.”

“I’m naked in nothing but a pink apron.” Allen deadpanned.

“I’m naked in a fucking cake.” Kanda growled as well.

“At least it isn’t porn, okay?”

The two shared a look, an expression that clearly spoke volumes of “Bullshit”.

“Just lick the damn cake! I need to get paaaaid!” the photographer whined.

Allen, who would rather jump off the empire state building, leaned in closer to the taller man. “If I lick you anywhere but your cheek,” he whispered. “I give you total rights to kill me.”

The long-haired man snorted. “Like I wasn’t going to do that in the first place. Now please for god’s sake, lick me!”

“That was a total cup of hot!” Lavi yelled, giving them a thumb up. “Keep it up!”

“Now!” Kanda hissed.

Allen ran his tongue against the older man’s cheek slowly, savoring the delicious taste of the cake while trying to ignore the taste of Kanda’s bare skin.

The pictures were flashed almost immediately.

“Fab’!” the redhead said happily. “Now, next pose! Lick the cake off of Yuu’s chest!”

“But you said—“

“Did I ever mention that I’m a dirty, dirty liar?” Lavi grinned. “Because I’m totally a dirty, dirty liar.”

Kanda, whose face was a fairly unattractive red, snarled rather violently. “I hate this job!” he hissed. “And I blame you!” He pointed at Allen accusingly, who simply licked a misplaced chunk of cake off his finger, because the cake was good and he was hungry.

With a snap, Lavi got a picture of the scene. “You read my mind, baby!” he crowed in glee. “Now, try again, with style!”

“W-why?” the white-haired boy asked, annoyed.

“Because money makes the world go round, now lick ‘em off good!”

--SCENE BREAK!—

“I’m going to go throw up in the bathroom.” Allen informed Kanda, who nodded in understanding.

“I think I might’ve gotten three different STDs,” he grumbled, rubbing his skin in paranoia.

Lavi walked by. “You want a threesome, just call me!” he said, waggling his eyebrows, even the one underneath his wild red brush of hair. “You two are just too hot together, much like me and my paycheck!” He walked away with a bounce in his step, albeit quickly enough so Kanda couldn’t choke his stupid neck.

Lo Fwa stalked by Kanda, throwing the Japanese man a dirty look, which he responded to with a simple raise of an eyebrow. She huffed and continued on her way.

Komui decided he’d take that time to pop by as well, grinning. “So, how was the set?” he asked, smirking. Allen stumbled out the bathroom at this point. “Did you two learn any lessons?”

“To listen to you before we agree to any other assignments,” the British actor muttered with his hands behind his back.

“To never let the bean sprout decide things for me, because he’s a fucking idiot.” Kanda replied instead.

“Shut up! You act like I’ve done things like this before!”

“I don’t know you like that, so maybe you have! You shut up first!”

The Chinese man smiled. “Just as long as you learned your lesson, we’re just fine.”

He walked off, leaving the two standing in the middle of the hallway, arguing.

“Augh!” Allen cried suddenly, sticking out his tongue. “I can still taste you!”

“My skin isn’t tingling in joy, either, brat.”

END 9

OMFG THE GAY. THE GAAAAY. THE HOMO, IT TOTALLY EXISTS IN SOMETHING OTHER THAN THE TITLE.

No, I seriously didn’t think it’d get to be too gay. But, just look at it now. :D I’m actually becoming proud of this story.

Emiggax, who continuously reminded me of the penis escapade, wanted Allen to be naked in the apron when I explain this chapter’s plot to her. I said “Okay” like a true dumbass, and now this chapter has, like, 3,000 words of almost gay porn.

I’ll attempt to update earlier next time, with effort. :D Have a great day.