WARNING: This fic contains some really weird, kinky stuff, and is intended to be a parody of all these odd pairings going around. NOT SUITABLE FOR YOUNG EYES. ALSO NOT TO BE TAKEN THE LEAST BIT SERIOUSLY.

Oh, and I do not own Fire Emblem.

My name is Gigatron the Pwn, and I apologise in advance for everything you are about to read.

What the hell? Lethe thought as she surveyed the scene. What the hell are they thinking? The rumours spread about her couldn't be further from the truth. As she watched Ike and Soren slap each other silly for her love, she couldn't understand why anyone would think she was compatible with either of these beorc fools. Lethe purred silently as she watched Soren climb up onto his desk and dropkick Ike in the chest. This misunderstanding was amusing, at least.

The cat knew the stories told about her quite well from her younger sister, Lyre: "General Lethe of Gallia has a thing for Sir Ike of Crimea," people gossiped. That, or "General Lethe of Gallia has a thing for some mage in Crimea." Neither of these were true. Lethe had nothing against Ike, but she certainly didn't love him- although he sure seemed to be infatuated with her- and she hated Soren, that angsty, laguz-hating Branded twit- although again, Soren certainly seemed to have no hard feeling against Lethe.

Soren's office was in ruins within moments of the fight breaking out. It began when Lethe had secretly followed Ike to the mage's quarters, to get better insight on the rumour of him and Soren having more than just a friendship. She stood just out of sight, next to the doorway, listening to the two discuss tactics and budget when one of them must have seen of her tail, swishing from side to side.

There was silence for a moment. Lethe poked her head around the corner to see if they weren't having man-sex already. That was when Ike noticed Soren staring intently at something over his shoulder, and then he looked behind him to see Lethe staring back in at both of them. The two beorc males stared at her, then at each other, and then back at her.

"Lethe! How nice of you to drop by," Ike said nervously. "Wh-what are you doing here...?"

"Back off! She's mine!" Soren shouted suddenly, punching Ike in the nose. Then the two began fighting. Two lovestruck beorc fighting over a laguz- a laguz who didn't much care for either of them, and made sure they both knew she didn't much care for them. It was depressing yet comical at the same time. Lethe wondered what kind of rumours would spawn from this brawl as Ike landed a judo chop on top of Soren's head.

Then Lethe began thinking about the other stories. Claims of "Lethe having hots for Ranulf" circulated throughout the Gallian army. Lethe did like Ranulf as a friend, certainly, but as nothing more. Just then, a mass of blue fur pounced in through the window and pinned Ike to the desk, screaming "Hands off, baldies!" Well, well. Ranulf seemed to have more than respect for Lethe as well. Lethe's amusement at this spectacle was so much now that she allowed her purring to become more audible. Not that any of the suitors noticed.

There was still another rumour about her love life that Lethe pondered about. The lower ranking members of the Laguz Emancipation Army kept themselves amused by teasing the second-in-command of the army, Maurim, of being smitten with Lethe. If Maurim showed up here contesting for her, things would really get messy. As Ike slammed Ranulf and Soren's heads together, Lethe expected the huge green tiger to burst through a wall and piledrive the three into next week at any moment. Finally, the three males began to tire and at last ceased their quarrelling, but it seemed Maurim decided not to make an appearance. A shame, that. With these other buffoons too sore to oppose him, he could come in and sweep Lethe off her feet at any time he pleased.

Not that Lethe would want Maurim to come in and sweep her off her feet. She didn't mind him, but there was still no romance between them. Turning on her heel, she left Ike, Soren, and Ranulf to pant and lay on the wooden floor, books and writing utensils scattered around their bruised and exhausted forms. Then Ranulf noticed she had gone.

"Where'd she go?" he wondered as he tried to stand up. Ike and Soren looked up and saw that Lethe had left as well.

"She seems to have decided that she'd rather not see me pound you two into the ground and win her love," said Soren testily.

"No, I think she'd rather not get stuck with someone even shorter than she is," Ike shot back. "You both know she has eyes on me."

"Oh please, why don't you go be Tanith's booty call?" Ranulf retorted. "At least I'm the same race as Lethe. She isn't much for interspecies relationships."

"Love can cross any border. Why don't you imbeciles both go fantasize about Tanith while I feel the joys of virginity loss with Lethe?" Soren suggested. Ranulf looked terribly confused.

"Why does everyone think Tanith and I have a thing?" he asked no one in particular.

"Guys, wait! Don't you see what's happening here? This woman is tearing us apart!" Ike exclaimed.

"Tanith or Lethe?" Soren asked.

"Lethe. Why must we fight over her? The Goddess knows she hates all three of us. Why don't we have a three-way?" Ike suggested.

"Us three? A three-way? A same-sex three-way?" Ranulf questioned.

"...Sure, why not?"

"Works for me," Soren shrugged.

"Hey, what the heck?" Ranulf figured.

And so Ike, Ranulf, and Soren began having a man-sex three-way. Right there in the headquarters of the Greil Mercenaries. With the door open for all the world to see.

Meanwhile, in the forest surrounding the HQ, Lethe laid in the shadows of the trees, hidden from the moonlight with a certain someone lying next to her. Indeed, there were more rumours of Lethe's love for the Swordmasters Zihark and Stephan. Indeed, Ike, Soren, Ranulf, and Maurim weren't the only ones Lethe may have had feelings for. But her true lover was someone nobody would ever expect.

"Lethe, my dearest Lethe, you are truly the only one I've ever lusted for with such passion," her companion whispered into her ear. "I may be beorc, and you may be laguz, but our differences shall never get in the way of our love."

"Nothing could ever stand in the way of our love," Lethe whispered back. "Now let us have this embrace... Jill Fizzart."

"Can I join in?" someone else asked.

"Fell free, Mia," said Jill.

"How 'bout me?" another newcomer inquired.

"You too, Nephenee? Let's have an orgy, why don't we?" Lethe said, getting irritated.

...Gigatron, what have you done?

-Ranulf