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The Ten Days of Akatsuki Christmas
Chapter 8: Under the Mistletoe
Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto or Christmas or anything else.
Summary: Ah…mistletoe. What would a festive Akatsuki Crack Fic written by an aspiring closet Yaoi fan be without a chapter dedicated to this strange plant symbolizing male fertility?
Dedicated to Purplewolfstar35, who kindly requested some SasoDei action for this chapter, resulting in me throwing away the rough draft I made on the back of a failed sketch of Deidara on lined paper and rewriting the whole damned thing! But don't worry, I'm not mad, I'm glad. Anyway, there's a much steamier SasoDei in Chapter 10. Why? Because Dei Dei is a whore when he gets drunk.
Warning: Kissing and paperwork (sexual paperwork). Nothing graphic, just bloody kisses and a little puppet angst.
"What, un?"
"What is that hanging above the kitchen doorway?"
Deidara, who'd been carrying a load of dirty laundry down the stairs, looked in the direction Tobi was pointing, and rolled his eyes.
"Mistletoe, hm."
"Oh."
Tobi stared at it while Deidara headed for the utility/ laundry room.
"DEIDARA-SENPAI!"
Deidara slammed his basket down on top of the dryer.
"WHAT?"
"What's mistletoe?" Tobi asked, head cocked to the side like a curious puppy.
"It's a decoration, now leave me alone, hm!"
Tobi didn't find that very helpful, so he stood there gazing at it until someone else came by.
Itachi wandered down the stairs, a book under his arm, heading right for the kitchen.
"Hey, Itachi-san!"
Itachi stopped and looked at Tobi.
"What's mistletoe?" he asked, pointing to said plant. Itachi looked at the strange thing hanging from the doorway.
"It's a parasitic plant."
Itachi proceeded into the kitchen to snag a bite of breakfast.
When Hidan came within sight of Tobi, the resident idiot had two questions.
"Hidan-san!"
"What the fuck do you want, basketball head?"
"What's a parasite?"
Hidan scowled, crossing his arms. Kakuzu happened to walk down the stairs just then, settling on the couch to watch the morning news.
"Well…a parasite is an old man that waits until you're asleep to rip your heart out of your body for his own benefit, leaving you there to bleed to death."
Tobi still didn't get it, but went on to question number two anyway.
"And what's mistletoe?"
"Mistletoe? Where?" Hidan gasped, staring around like a frightened mouse caught out in the open. He spotted the strange white berried plant and leapt across the room, landing behind the love seat. He peeked over it so that just the top of his silver head could be seen.
"Mistletoe is of the Devil! It represents carnal desires, lust, the symbol of whores and venereal disease! What the fuck is it doing in the house? Get away from it, Tobi, or you'll catch the Clap!"
Tobi, afraid of being applauded by a demonic plant that may in fact be a pedophilic old man in disguise (that's what his brain made of Hidan's confusing explanation), dashed into the utility room with Deidara, who was now sorting the lights from the darks.
Kakuzu glared at the top of Hidan's head.
"Did you just call me a parasite?"
Two middle fingers poked up from behind the love seat.
"Tobi. I'm not in the mood. Go bug someone else, hm."
"But I already did! Itachi-san said it was a parasite and Hidan said it was the devil!"
Deidara snorted with laughter.
"Yeah…figures that Hidan would say mistletoe is evil. Look, Tobi, hm? Mistletoe is just a plant people hang from the ceiling. If you get caught under it with someone else, you're supposed to kiss that person…but I doubt Leader would actually make that a rule or anything…"
"You're fucking joking."
Deidara and Tobi peeked out of the utility room to see Hidan staring at Leader in disbelief.
Leader and Konan were standing under the mistletoe.
"I don't joke."
"No, Uchihas don't joke. But you are nothing but one big fucking joke. I don't know why I ever agreed to join this fucked up organization…"
"Because I have a gift with persuasion. Anyway, my word is law. I'll have Konan add it to the rules list posted in the kitchen. Any two people caught under the mistletoe have to kiss."
Hidan opened his mouth to speak, but Pein gave him a particularly sinister look. Hidan shut his trap.
"Good. Now, observe that Konan and I are both under the mistletoe."
Pein turned to Konan, and they shared a very chaste, very un-lemony, very unsatisfying (to PeinxKonan shippers anyway) kiss.
Hidan gagged. Tobi and Deidara gasped. Kisame whooped from the stairs. Kakuzu snored, as he had fallen asleep to the weather report.
"See? It's no big deal. A simple little kiss, that's all."
"But it's seriously against my religion!" Hidan moaned. The irritating voice woke Kakuzu up with a snort, and he stared around wildly.
"Everything is against your religion," Kakuzu barked automatically.
"Hey, fuck you, old timer! I am a high priest of Jashin! I am supposed to uphold…ah, son of a bitch! I can't believe it! He fell back asleep!"
Indeed, Kakuzu's chin was resting on his chest, a sound like a choking grizzly bear emitting from the vicinity of his mask.
"I agree with Hidan. I don't want to kiss anyone here, un!" Deidara said boldly, though he was sort of hiding behind Tobi as he said it.
"You must kiss under the mistletoe. Or suffer my wrath."
No one thought to leave through the front door and enter the kitchen through the side door, except for Zetsu. But he stayed outside mostly, and there wasn't anything edible in the kitchen for him…well, the other members were edible, but he wasn't allowed to eat them…so yeah.
Though Pein had made it a rule, he had looked extremely angry when Itachi happened to catch Konan under the mistletoe, and promptly gave her a peck on the lips.
Everyone thought there would be a showdown of Rinnegan versus Sharingan, but Itachi didn't even seem to be aware of his Leader's fury, and quietly sat down on the coffee table to channel surf on the TV for three hours.
After that, Pein and Konan retired to their office to….do paperwork (wink wink, nudge nudge). Konan pretended that Pein was Itachi, Pein pretended that Konan was Pein (come on, we all know that he's obsessed with himself) and all was well. They kept the noise down, in any case.
And what, may I ask, is a bored Deidara without a means to blow shit up? It is a sad sight indeed.
Sasori burst into the kitchen and started looking for a spare can of Pledge he thought he'd hidden under the sink last week. He was in desperate need of a fix, and he had unwisely used up the entire can he'd gotten yesterday as a reward for the making the best snow angel.
The puppet was banned from buying his own Pledge by Leader, and for some reason Sasori obeyed. No one else really listened when it came to what they were allowed to buy.
Even though he wasn't supposed to, Deidara snuck out to buy Hot Cheetos and Mountain Dew whenever he got the chance. Sure, it was all going to his ass, but damn it, he was a big boy now! He could make his own food choices, even if they were bad ones.
Anyway, Deidara, who had stolen that stashed away can of Pledge so he could blow it up later tonight, decided to sneak out before Sasori could interrogate him. After all, there were only two people who would mess with Sasori's shit: Deidara and Hidan.
However, when Deidara got to the doorway, two things happened simultaneously: Sasori grabbed his wrist and Deidara collided into Kisame's chest.
Deidara blinked up at the shark man in horror. They were standing under the mistletoe. Kisame grinned down at the blonde. He hadn't gotten any action yet, and Deidara was as pretty as Konan.
Hell, from behind, he was prettier. Kisame preferred girls, but when you were a shark man, you took what you could get.
The missing Rock nin chose the lesser evil and twirled Sasori in front of him, knocking Kisame backwards, and locking lips with the puppet master.
Sasori blinked in shock, staring into Deidara's face. The blonde's eyes were squeezed shut, nose scrunched up, his hands biting into Sasori's arms.
It was perhaps the longest three seconds of Deidara's life. He pulled away first, opening his eyes and feeling his face burn.
Somewhere in the background, Kisame was whining.
"But I was there first!"
"Fucking gay, the whole lot of you," Hidan said.
"You know…it wasn't all that bad, un…" Deidara murmured, trying to act casual despite the fact that his heart felt like it wanted to burst through his rib cage.
Deidara stared at Sasori, who had lifted his fingers up to his lips, mouth slightly gaping, eyes wide.
Sasori looked up at Deidara (poor thing is the shortest member of Akatsuki) and frowned.
"I didn't feel anything."
Deidara blinked.
"Danna?"
"I can't feel anything, and you know it!" Sasori cried, fleeing up the stairs.
"Someone needs a fucking Pledge fix," Hidan laughed.
Deidara stood there for a moment as if he'd been petrified.
"Good idea, un," Deidara said, springing into action. He ran over to the couch, flipping up the middle cushion and pulling out the hidden can of Pledge. He pointed a finger at Hidan.
"This doesn't make me gay, un," Deidara said and raced up the stairs to console his partner.
"Psh…that little son of a bitch is so gay that every time he enters a room, it redecorates itself."
Kisame was, frankly, ROFL, crying salt water.
"Um…Sasori no Danna, hm?" Deidara asked quietly, taking a few cautious steps forward.
Sasori wasn't anywhere in sight, but the closet door was closed. Deidara approached the door and knocked. Not many people knock before entering their closet, but when your partner is a puppet with a fetish for Pledge and dark enclosed spaces, you learn to knock on the damned closet door.
"Sasori no Danna?" Deidara asked again. He could hear shuffling inside the closet.
"Go away."
"I…I found your can of Pledge, un…."
The door creaked open and a wooden hand appeared. Deidara set the can in the waiting palm and it disappeared. The door slammed closed.
A smile crept across Deidara's face when he heard the distinct sound of an aerosol can spraying. There was a lot of spraying going on.
Deidara flopped on his bed and waited for Sasori to come out on his own. If he tried to force entry, he'd end up fighting the Kazekage, and he really wasn't in the mood.
If Kisame wanted to kiss a piece of plastic, he'd break out his Tsunade blow up doll.
Hidan, who'd been watching TV since Itachi left to go read shark porn, got up from the couch and walked towards the kitchen, but stopped at a safe distance to glare at the missing Mist nin.
"I am fucking hungry, and I don't want to have to chance catching an STD from a shark just to grab a god damned PB & J. Shove off, fish fuck, or I'll castrate you."
Kisame folded his arms.
"No."
"Hidan?" Kakuzu said from the couch, "will you make me a sandwich too? But make mine turkey and mustard on wheat bread. Peanut butter is bad for my cholesterol."
"I'm not your chef; make your own fucking sandwich!" Hidan yelled, simultaneously flipping the bird at the miser and the shark.
"Just one little kiss, and I'll leave you alone," Kisame said.
"Hell no. That little blonde fairy chose a chunk of wood over you. Doesn't that tell you anything?"
Kisame scowled.
"Hey, hurry your ass up. I'm hungry, and it doesn't look like anyone is cooking today."
Kakuzu detached an arm and shoved Hidan forward, right into Kisame's waiting arms.
"AAARGH!" Hidan screeched in terror, before his scream was cut off as the shark man's mouth clamped over his own.
When Kisame let Hidan go, he staggered into the kitchen, cursing.
"You fucking bit my lip, asshole!"
"You're welcome," Kisame said, wiping blood off of his mouth. Yep. There was a reason why he couldn't get laid.
Kakuzu wondered idly if it was time he invested in Viagra. That scene surely would have gotten his Johnson up when he was eighty.
"What's taking you so long in there?" Kakuzu growled from the couch. He was happily watching "I Love Lucy" and every once in a while he'd laugh at Lucy's silly antics.
Hidan fucking hated that show, and Kakuzu knew it. So, that was why Hidan was taking so long.
The Jashin priest may not be a master at poisons or explosives or have the power to manipulate any elements, but it didn't take a ninja genius to slip laxative in Kakuzu's prune juice.
With a wicked smirk, Hidan put the glass of juice and the sandwich on a tray. This was going to be good.
He woke up with a start when someone shook him.
"Whassamatter?" Deidara mumbled. He cracked his eyes open to see Sasori standing over him.
"Sasori no Danna?" Deidara asked tentatively. Sasori smiled softly. And stuck a thermometer in Deidara's mouth.
"Mmph…?"
"I think you have a fever, you look awfully clammy. We need to figure out what kind of poison was in that tainted fruitcake of Oro's so I can make an antidote."
"Oh…un…" Deidara managed around the thermometer.
Nurse Sasori…who knew?
The two were sitting on the couch and watching "The Three Scrooges" now, another show Hidan loathed.
But his PB & J was superb, his moo cow fuck milk icy cold, his plan going along smoothly. He could sit through one horrible show without bitching. It was the least he could do for the old bastard.
And then right when Hidan was taking a nice big gulp of his milk, the most horrible thing Hidan had ever seen settled right at his eye level, right between him and Kakuzu.
It was a small white berried plant, attached to a string, which hung down from the top of a ridiculous striped top hat. A basketball head was wearing that hat, and he was perched behind the couch, giggling.
"Look what Konan and I made, Hidan-san! Kakuzu-san! Leader-sama calls it a fertility hat! Isn't it wonderful?"
"You…you fucking cock sucking, fairy whoring, heathen ball washing, one eyed sack of reindeer shit! How dare you!"
Kakuzu arched an eyebrow. He didn't see that one coming. Boy, he was losing his touch.
"Well, I guess it could have been worse," Kakuzu said, patting his mouth with his napkin. He'd already had his mask down since he was eating, so that saved some time.
"I'm not fucking kissing you! I already got my lip sliced open by a fucking godless shark, I'm not going to chance getting your tainted saliva in my bloodstream!"
"Quit your bitching," Kakuzu growled and grabbed Hidan's face. The priest would not let this happen without a fight, but his struggling proved fruitless as Kakuzu quickly used his threads to bind him.
Hidan pressed his lips firmly together when Kakuzu's face got dangerously close. His nose brushed up against Hidan's cheek.
"This won't do," Kakuzu murmured when his lips met the unyielding line of Hidan's mouth.
The old man removed his right hand from Hidan's face and punched him in the gut. Hidan gasped, and Kakuzu used the opening to his advantage.
"Holy shit!" Kisame said, whistling as he walked in on Kakuzu and Hidan French kissing under Tobi's mistletoe hat.
Kakuzu let Hidan go and leapt off of the couch when Hidan tried to hit him.
"You fucking son of a whore! If I get Aids I'm going to rip off your head and shove it up Kisame's ass!"
Kakuzu would have responded, but his stomach beat him to it. His gut made a very nasty gurgling sound, and clutching his abdomen in agony, Kakuzu ran for the bathroom.
Hidan thanked Jashin-sama for giving him the wisdom to spike the gay old man's juice with laxative.
Kisame went back to staking out a spot by the mistletoe, hoping htat maybe when Kakuzu felt better, he'd give him a kiss like that too.
Hidan rolled his eyes, wiping his mouth with his sleeve.
"Seriously, is everyone in this fucked up organization gay but me?"
