|The Zor's Pizza Chronicles
Author: Vile PM
Is the entire plot of FF7 based on a misunderstood pizza delivery?Rated: Fiction K - English - Humor - Words: 8,877 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 16 - Follows: 1 - Published: 09-03-01 - id: 394020
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The Zor's Pizza Chronicles:
This happens just after you beat Sepy, or at least it should have.
Cloud:All right, Sephiroth! You're going down!
Cloud:And get that damn Meteor out of the sky!
Cloud:Meteor! That big thing in the sky. Just look up!
Sep: What are you talking about? There's no.. well I'll be damned. What's that doin' there?
Cloud: You summoned it!
Sep: I did what?
Cloud: I heard you! You said " Bring me a Meteor!"
Sep: Oh! Damn, I knew this would happen. You ever heard of Zor's Pizzaria?
Cloud: Of course, they're the best!
Sep: Well, I wanted a meaty Zor pizza, so I called the pizzaria and asked for a Meaty-Zor. I guess the guy misunderstood me and though it was "Meteor". I wondered why the bill was so expensive.
Sep: Oh, man. And I was gonna have pizza ready for all you guys. Let me call and fix things.
Sephiroth picks up his cell phone.
"Hey, this is Sephiroth. I called and asked for a Meaty-Zor, and..."
" O-kaiy, sow yoo waunt a Meteor?"
"NO!!! Get me someone who speaks english!"
The pizza guy calls to a friend.
"Hello, Zor's Pizza! How can I help you?"
"Oh, hi. This is Sephiroth. I asked for a Meaty Zor pizza, and I got a Meteor instead,"
"Sorry about that. Lemme check the list....Yep, you ordered one. I'll send you the pizza. Where do you live?"
"Northern Continent: Crater: Deepest layer, 90211."
"Okay, you're pizza will be ready soon!"
Cloud: Oh man! I can't remember that last time I had Zor's pizza!
Sep: Oh, yeah! Its good! Say, did you see that football game last night?
Cloud: The one where Junon played Migar?
Sep: Yeah, that one.
Cloud: Yeah! That was a cool game. Except Barret kept eating all the pork rinds and Cid was yelling: "FOUL? WHAT THE 3@$423 DO YOU MEAN! HE WAS ON SIDES! COME ON!!!!!!"
Sep: I hate it when that happens. I had a friend that did that.
Cloud: Really? Who?
Sep: Some guy, forgot his name.
Cloud: Say, why are you so evil?
Sep: Ooo, I dunno. My physologist says its because of my inner-feelings. But its probably because I was made fun of in high-school. Ya know, a thing like that lasts a while!
Cloud: I know what you mean. All the kids used to make fun of my name and my big sword. The teacher would be like "Cloud, didn't I tell you to leave your sword at home?"
Sep: Yeah. Oh, look! The pizza's here!
Pizza Guy: Here you go. One Meaty-Zor Pizza! That'l be 20 gil.
Sep: Okay, lets see, 1-2-3-4... Hey Cloud, you got change for a 50?
Cloud: Yeah, sure. Here!
Pizza Guy: Here ya go. Enjoy!
Sep: Oh, man that looks good. Why don't you invite your friends over.
Cloud: Good idea! HEY GUYS! DOWN HERE!!!
Barret: Yo, what you talkin about!
Cid: #@$@#$, make me put out a good cigarette for nothin.
Yuffie: Hey! Pizza!
Vincent: Where? Where!!!???
Cloud: Come on guys! There's enough for all of us. This is a pretty damn big pizza!
Sep: Hi guys!
Sep: Eat up guys!
Everyone: MMM, this is good. Thanks sephiroth!
Sep: No prob. Say, I think Jenovy might like this. HEY JENOVA!
Sep: Put your voicebox on!
Jenova: Sorry. Oh, hey! Pizza!!!
Cloud: Hi, Jenny!
Jenova: Say, weren't you that guy that almost killed me?
Cloud: Sorry, I just misunderstood you.'
Vincent: Eat up, guys!
Everyone finishes the pizza.
Barret: Damn, that's some good shit.
Cid: Yep. Better than the pizza I get at home.
Sephiroth: So, how y'all been?
Vincent: Oh, I've been fine.
Yuffie: Me, too. Too bad I have to leave to go back to high school in two weeks.
Cloud: Hey, Seppy?
Cloud: Why did you kill Aeris.
Sep: She had a sign taped to her back that said "Kill me!"
Cloud: Oh! That's why!!! For a minute there I thought this was something serious!
(note to all Aeris fans: no offense, you can take a joke!)
Cloud: So, what do we do about Meteor?
Sep: Oh, that! Don't worry about it. I'll call the planet.
Sephiroth takes out his cell phone again.
Sep: Hey, planet?
Sep: This is Sephiroth. Sorry about that Meteor thing. Could you go and destroy it?
Planet: Sure. HEY HOLY! WE NEED YOU TO DESTROY METEOR!!!! OKAY, YOU CAN BRING THE LIFESTREAM TOO, BUT NO MORE FRIENDS!!!
Planet: No prob.
Red finds the party and walks towards them.
Red: Hey, there you are! Hey! Zor's pizza! Oh man, there's none left! I hate you guys!
Cloud: Man, I knew someone was missing! Sorry, Red, I'll buy you a pizza some other time.
Red: Ohhhhh! I wanted it now!
Tifa: Hey Cloud, why don't you buy me a pizza?
Cloud: Hold on a sec! I can't buy pizzas for everyone!
Vincent: What the hell do you mean? You bought the Costa de Sol and you won't even by some pizzas.
Cloud: Oh, fine. We'll all go and get 3 pizzas. That way theres enough for..."
Red: Sorry, but due to the primary configuration and standard diameter of a pizza, there would be exactly .32 peices times the current radius of one pie squared left over.
Cloud: Don't worry, we'll give the extras to the dog!
Sephiroth: Well, I gotta go. Say, you guys want to meet again in Gold Saucer?
Sephiroth: Okay! Don't worry about Ruby Weapon. He's just grumpy because the Gold Saucer has a "No Ancient War Creatures Allowed" policy. How's Thursday?
Vincent: Fine by me!
Cait Sith: Okay!
Yuffie: Sorry, I gotta study for the final exams when I get back.
Tifa: Thursday's fine.
Jenova: Sorry, I'm getting myself renamed on Thursday. I'm gonna be "Jenova-Darkness" How's that sound?
Cloud: Pretty cool!
Jenova: And my attacks won't be elemental based! And I'm gonna get 3 million hit points and I can take away 8000 hp in one move and stuff.
Sephiroth: Well, see ya! Bye!
Cloud: See ya Thursday!
The party arrives at the Gold Saucer. Ruby Weapon is at the gate, complaining to the man standing out front.
Ruby: Awww! Come ON!!!! Lemme in!!!
Man: Sorry, there's a "No Ancient Weapons" policy here!
Ruby: I'll cast whirlsand on you!
Man: Read the sign!!
Ruby Weapon reads the sign: "No Spell Casting-Thank You"
Ruby: Damn. Well, I'll be back.
Cloud: Here's our ticket!
Man: Have fun!
Sep: What do we do first?
Tifa: How bout Wonder Square!
Cloud: Sounds fun!
Everyone runs to the wonder square arcade.
Vincent: Whoa! Super Ultra Street Fighter Ex Turbo Championship Alpha Plus 3!
Barret: Yo! I be playin' first!
Vincent: You'll never beat me!
Barret and Vincent keep on fighting.
Barret: Yo, man, what is this shit?
Vincent: Ha! Take a Super Dragon Nova Kick!
Cid: Hey! That's my line!
Cloud: Say, Sephiroth?
Cloud: Tell me why you REALLY killed Aeris!
Sep: Cause I'm evil. I was just makin that story up! I guess I'm just really evil.
Sep: Too bad I can't revive her.
Vincent: Hey, I know someone who might be able to revive her!
Cloud: Really? Who?
Vincent turns off the lights and shines a flashlight on his face.
Vincent: Hey, you guys ever heard of the Arch-Vile?
Cloud: The who?
Vincent: The Arch-Vile! He's a monster from Doom.
Tifa: Yeah, so?
Vincent: Well, he can ressurect things and set things on fire!
Cloud: Oh! I get it! He's gonna ressurect Aeris and set her on fire!
Vincent: No, no! He CAN set her on fire, but it doesn't mean he will.
Cloud: So, that means he COULD ressurect her?
Cloud: So he can set her on fire?
Vincent: Yes, and he can revive her too.
Cloud: But he CAN set her on fire, right?
Vincent(becoming annoyed): Yes.
Cloud: You sure?
Vincent: I'm positive.
Cloud: Set HER on fire?
Vincent: YES! SHUT UP!
Sephiroth: Where is this Arch-Vile?
Vincent: Well, its not one thing, but a species. They live in Hell.
Cloud: Oh! That's next door to me!
Tifa: That's Holl, you idiot! Hell is a fiery place!
Cloud: How do we get there?
Sephiroth: I heard you have to do something really bad and die, and you'll go to Hell.
Cloud: So, we all do something bad?
Sephiroth:Yep. I think I'm covered. Split up everybody! Do something bad and die!
Everyone goes their seperate ways.
Cloud returns to Midgar. He approaches a Shinra Guard in uniform and punches him, in plain view of the public. Another Guard runs to the scene.
Guard: Hey! What are you doing?
Cloud: I just punched him out!
Guard: Him? You're gonna die for this!
Guard: Wait a sec..... Hey! You knocked out Big Joe!
Guard: Big Joe! He disguises himself as a Shinra Guard and steals stuff! I'm glad someone finally caught him! The town's gonna love ya for this!
Meanwhile, Cloud gets another plan. He runs up to the cannon. He dashes to the controls. Immediately, a person stops him.
Man: Hey! Get off of there!
Cloud: No! I'm gonna fire this cannon!
Man: No! You can't
Cloud: Step aside!
Cloud pushes several buttons. The cannon turns rapidly and fires dozens of missiles and just about every target immaginable. When he is done, Cloud laughs at the man.
Cloud: How do ya like that?
Man: You got the cannon to work! How'd you do that? Wow, you're gonna be the most liked person in Midgar!
Frustrated, Cloud leaves. He then walks over to Cosmo Canyon. He runs up to Cosmo Candle.
Cloud: Everybody! I'm gonna put this damn fire out!
BugenHagenSneigerFlitcherGeisenHagisSchneil:Ho, ho, hooaoaaaaa! What?
Cloud: Yeah! This fire's goin' out!
Cloud throws a blanket over the fire, smoldering it. Immediately, everyone comes out and stares.
"Thank God!" says one women.
"I can't tell you how many times my kids have gotten burnt by that thing!" says another person.
"That fire was really hurting my eyes!" says someone else.
BugenHagen:You're gonna pay for this! You'll.... hey, wait! There's my gold watch! It was in the fire the whole time! Thanks, Cloud!
In great distress, Cloud runs to Costa de Sol. Since he is the owner of it, he makes some new rules.
Cloud: (this should count as a REALLY bad thing).
Cloud walks to the beach.
Cloud: Alright! This beach is permanantly closed! We're making it a toxic waste dump!
Cloud: That's right! This beach is closed!
Everyone: Man, this sucks.
Content, Cloud walks away. But he is stopped by a Priest.
Priest:My son, I wish to thank you.
Priest:That beach only promotes lazyness. Idle hands are the devil's workshop you know!
Priest:Now, the people will be able to find true happiness, instead of just lying around all day. It takes a strong man to do something like this.
Cloud: But I, uh I mean he, uh, well I,...
Priest:I know what you are trying to say. I'll be sure you'll NEVER be sent to Hell!
Cloud: NO! I WANT TO GO TO HELL! YOU HEAR ME! HELLL! ALL YOU PEOPLE WILL DIEEEEE!!!! DIIIIEEE!!!!!
Cloud yells to the point where he collapses and dies. He winds up on a long line to heaven's gate. Finally its his turn to go in.
Angel: Hey, wait a sec...
Angel: Says here you ran over a cat when you were 16.
Cloud: You saw that?
Angel: No I was guessing.
Angel: You ripped the tag off your matress!
Angel: Does your bachelor party ring a bell?
Angel: I'm not even gonna look at puberty.
(hungry? Why wait, grab a...)
The angel sends Cloud plumetting into Hell.
Cloud: Finally! Uh, hello? Is there an Arch-Vile around here?
Someone comes up behind Cloud.
Demon: Who is it that you seek?
Clouds slowly turns around. He immediately finds himself standing under a huge, muscle bound demon with a rocket launcher on his arm.
CyberDemon: WHO IS IT THAT YOU SEEK????
Cloud: uhhh, I.,...seek Aeris.. NO! I want the Arch-Vile to ressurect the president, NO! I want the president to revive Aeris! No, uh. I, Want Aeris to revive the Arch-Vile, NO! Damn? How'd that go?
Cloud: The..... ARCH-VILE!!!!
Cloud is taken to an Arch-Vile.
Cloud: I need you do revive Aeris.
Archy: Who's Aeris?
Cloud: A girl who died.
Archy: She's dead?
Archy:So..., what's the problem?
Cloud: I need you to revive her!
Cloud:The girl who died!
Archy:Well, if she's dead then what are you complaining about?
Cloud:I don't want her dead!
Archy: You don't want who dead?
Cloud:YYEEEARRRGGGHHH!!!! Okay! I want you to revive Aeris!
Archy:Hey! Your jumping off the topic!
Cloud:Alright. The girl's name is Aeris. Aeris is dead. Cloud, that's me, does not want her dead.
Archy:So, you're Aeris.
Cloud:No! What are you talking about?
Archy:You said "The girl's name is Aeris.....that's me"
Cloud:Nooo! Okay, lets start over,"
Archy: Ohh! You're making this so complicated!
Cloud:Okay, repeat after me!
The Arch-Vile thinks for a moment.
Archy: HEY! I DON'T WANT TO REVIVE AERIS! YOU WANT TO REVIVE HER!
Archy:So why did you say that I wanted to revive Aeris?
Archy:You're not making much sense.
Cloud:Okay. I, Cloud Strife, want you to revive Aeris, because Aeris is dead, and Cloud does not want Aeris dead.
Archy:Got it. So you want two small cokes, an order of fries, two double-cheeseburgers and a milkshake?
Archy:You're pretty stupid, mister. You can't even say a simple sentence!
Archy:You can't even ask me to revive Aeris!
Cloud:Yes! That's it! Do that?
Cloud:Do what you just said!
Archy:What did I just say?
Cloud:Why? Why? Why?
Cloud:You won't revive Aeris!
Cloud:No! Look, can you get me another Arch-Vile?
Cloud meets up with another Arch-Vile.
Cloud: Okay, I need you to revive a friend of mine named Aeris.
Arch:Streaagmm Cafkgka Strencoloog a foda nnngfdooo coomamgggan!
Cloud:I'll just find another Arch-Vile.
Cloud searches, and finally finds a good Arch-Vile.
Cloud:Hey! Could you revive Aeris for me?
Arch:You sure she wants to be revived?
Arch:I think she'd better ask me herself.
Cloud:But she's dead!
Arch:Then what's the problem?
Cloud:No. I want you to revive Aeris because I want her alive!
Arch:Demands, demands! Why does everyone always tell me what to do! Its always: Hey, Archy! Do this! Do that! Fix this! Clean that! Well, I'm not gonna take it any more!
Cloud:Come on, please!
Arch:Nope! I'm not gonna let people push me around!
Finally, Cloud manages to convince an Arch-Vile to revive Aeris. They walk back to the place of Aeris' death.
Cloud:Yeah. That's her. At the bottom of the pool.
Arch:The dead one?
Arch:So, what's the problem?
Cloud takes Aeris to the surface and the Archy revives her.
Aeris:HELP!!! SEPHIROTH'S GONNA KILL US ALL! AAAAAAA!!!!
Cloud:Aeris, its okay, its all settled.
Arch-Vile:I'll be leaving now.
Cloud:No! Revive me, too!
The Arch-Vile revives Cloud and leaves.
Cloud:Aeris! You were dead!
Aeris:Yeah... HEY! YOU TOOK MY WHITE MATERIA!
Cloud:No, it fell into the water!
Aeris:Yeah, yeah. Well, lets get back to the surface.
Everyone meets up again.
Cloud: Guess who's back!
Cid: Oh, yeah.. her.
Barrett:Yo, man, I though she be dead!
Aeris: Hi, guys.
Red: Hey! Who gave you permission to die!
Sephiroth: Sorry. I'll make up for it.
Aeris: You'd better, you bastard.
Cloud: So, I guess everything's okay then.
Sephiroth: Well, not quite.
Sephiroth: There's still...
Sephiroth: the darkest...
Sephiroth: Most evil...
Cloud:Get to the good stuff already!
Sephiroth. Oh. Sorry. Well, as I was saying, he's still alive.
Tifa: You're not talking about HIM, are you?
Cloud:You mean that guy?
Vincent: He's not that guy who kept doing that thing at the place sometime, is he?
Sephiroth:I'm afraid so.
Cloud: So what's this got to do with us.
Sephiroth: Well, HE is about to close down Zor's Pizzaria to put a new Slugmart!
Cloud: Slugmart? I hate those!
Red:If I don't get my pizza, I'm gonna be pissed.
Vincent: Let's get him.
Who is this "him"? What danger does he have in store? Will Zor's Pizza be Saved? Tune in next time, for the third installment!
Bonus: Random questions from Yuffie's final exam:
1: How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
5: What is 5+7 times 234,300,223,200,002 times 3XY to the third times radical seven x to the third y to the second plus 8 factorial 9 times 1,000,000.123123 times 32432 times zero?
15: Two trains are coming from Junon and Costa de Sol. If they are traveling directly toward each other, and both are going 56 mph, and they are 3,000,000 miles away, then at what time will both train engineers relize that Junon and Costa de Sol are on completely different continents and trains can't float in water?
29: Name all the Jenovas.
32: What was the color of Joe's black stallion?
39: How many beers are in a six-pack?
44: What year was the war of 1812 fought?
67: The Spanish-American war lasted how many seconds?
78: Guess a number between 1 and 4
93: The exam ended 30 questions ago, you idiot.
101: You're still here! Come on, everyone's gone!
914: This is the last time! The test is over!
The party is relaxing in a hotel. Sephiroth is preparing to explain to them who "he" is.
Cloud:So, who is he?
Cloud:No! Not him, HIM!
Sephiroth:Oh! That's Barret.
Cloud:Dammit! Who is that guy who's gonna close down Zor's Pizza?
Sephiroth:Oh, you mean HIM!
Sephiroth:Well, his REAL name is.....
Da dum daaaaa!!!!!
Cloud:No! Not Bob!
Cid:Let's get the little @#$@#$@#.
Barret:Wha? Hey, what the @#$ yo' talkin' 'bout, foo'?
Sephioth: He has bodyguards.
Sephiroth:Do you have any idea who they are?
Cloud:No, but who cares?
Sephiroth:They are, the Men in Black!!!!
Tifa:Damn, I don't want to be flash-thinged!
Cloud:Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get him!
The party runs to Zor's Pizzaria.
Cloud(huff, puff): How much farther?
Red:Its further, not farther.
Cloud:(puff): Shut up.
Cid:Can't we just take the Highwind?
Cloud slaps his forehead.
Cid:What? We @#$@#$ walked 500 @#$@#$ miles when we could have used the @#$@#@#$ airship?
Barret:Yo, it only be 20 mo' miles to Zor's!
The party walks further.
Cloud:Say, wasn't it really nice of those game designers to make our body's about 5,000 times our normal size on the world map?
Sephiroth:Yeah, it really helps us get around quicker!
Vincent:Hey, everybody! I'm taller than the rocket!
Cloud:Oh, yeah? Well I'm taller than the Shinra HQ building!
Sephiroth:Oh, yeah? Well I'M taller than....(Sephiroth looks around)....dammit. Well, I'm just taller than!
Cloud:Can I ask you a question?
Sep:Sure, go ahead.
Cloud:Who excactly WAS singing the "One-Winged Angel" theme when we were fighting you?
Sep:I thought that was you guys!
Sep:Well, if it wasn't us, and it wasn't you.... then who was it?
Sep:Wait a sec. A freakin' CHORUS got to the center of the crater? What did they do, sing all the way and scare the bad guys off?
Cloud:So THAT'S why there were so many avalanches!
Vincent:Hey, the pizzaria is just beyond this tunnel!
The party walks toward the tunnel, but a huge stone face appears.
Stone Face:You cannot pass.
Stone Face:You need a key.
Cloud:Where is the key?
Stone Face:I can not tell you. My father can. He rests in the caves to the West. Seek him.
The party walks over to the caves, where the other Stone Face lives.
Stone Face:Who is it?
Cloud:We come to ask of the key.
Stone Face:You may ask 3 questions.
Cloud:Perfect! Now, let's see, what should I ask?
Stone Face:You should ask where the key is. That's one question..
Stone Face:I said you should ask where the key is! That's two.
Cloud:Dammit! Why do you have to be so confusing?
Stone Face:Because it is my job. Thank you, come again!
Vincent:Hey, let me try!
Stone Face:You may ask me 3 questions.
Vincent:Okay, where is the....the...damn, what was that thing called?
The Stone Face whispers: The key. That's one.
Vincent:What did you say? I couldn't hear you.
Stone Face:THE KEY!!! That's two.
Vincent:Damn, only...(Vincent counts on his fingers) Three, two..... uh.. dammit! What number comes before two!
Stone:One. Thank you!
Vincent:Oh, thanks! Man, only one left! Oh, wait.... DAMMIT!!!!
Stone Face:You may ask me 3 questions.
Cid thinks for a moment: HEY! GIMME THE @#$@#$#@ KEY!!!!!
Stone Face:You must ask for it.
Cid:Can I have the key?
Cid:Good. Give it to me.
Cid:Hey, what the hell do you mean?
Stone Face:I simply said that you CAN have it, I didn't say I'd give it to you! But you are capable of having it!
Cid:YOU @#$@@#$ DO YOU HAVE ANY @#$@##@$@ IDEA WHAT I'M GONNA #@$23$@# DO TO YOUR@#$@#@#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????
Stone Face:You will attempt to hit me and fail.
Cid:Dammit. So, where is the key?
Stone Face:You have already asked 3 questions. Come again!
Tifa:I'll handle this!
Stone:You may ask me 3 questions!
Tifa:Wow! 3 questions! What should I ask first?
Stone Face:You should ask where the key is. That's one.
Tifa:No! Wait! I didn't mean to ask that! Can I start over?
Stone Face:No. That's two.
Tifa:What do you mean I can't start over?
Stone Face:You get only one chance in your lifetime.
Tifa:Fine. Okay, where is the key?
Stone Face:You have already asked your 3 questions. Come again!
Barret:Yo' man, I be next!
Stone Face:You may ask 3 questions of me!
Barret:Yo' man, what you rappin' about?
Stone Face:You may ask of me 3 questions. That's one.
Barret:@#$@#. Yo, where be da key?
Stone Face:You must speak English.
Barret:Dammit! Where be- No, dammit! Where......IS....da-no,no....da,ta,sa,ra,sha.. DAMMIT! I can't do this!
Cloud:Ask him where the key is!
Barret:What you be takin' my turn for?
Stone Face:Because he wants to help. That's two.
Barret:Hey, yo' be stayin out of this!
Stone Face:You have one question left.
Barret:Shit. What am I supposed to do?
Stone Face:You are supposed to ask me where the key is. That's three.
Aeris:It's my turn!!!
Stone Face:You may ask me three questions.
Aeris:Okay... now, what were we looking for again?
Stone Face:Aaarghhh! Damn you people! The freakin' key is in the colored rock to your left! Its right there!!! When will you people learn?
They take the key and bring it to the other stone face.
Sephiroth:Here's your key.
Stone Face:Hmmmm. Okay. You can pass.
The party passes. As they pass the stone face, Cloud turns to it.
Cloud:Hey! Your Dad said that you were grounded for staying up late.
Stone Face:Oh, man. I have a party to go to tonight!!!
The party finally arrives at Zor's Pizza. They walk inside to find Bob.
Cloud:Bob! There you are!
Bob:How do you know me?
Cloud:Seppy here told me!
Bob:But how did he tell you what I look like?
Cloud:He....damn, you've got a point there.... Hey, Sephiroth, what does Bob look like.
Sephiroth:He looks like a human.
Cloud:Could you narrow it down a bit more?
Sephiroth:Sure! He's a human between the age of 0 to 100, he's alive, he breaths oxygen, he either has hair or doesn't have hair, he has eyes of some color, and he has skin.
Cloud:Wait a minute.... Hey, Vincent! You're Bob, aren't you?
Cloud:Well, you fit the description perfectly!
Vincent:So do you!
Cloud:I... dammit, you're right.
Tifa:Hey, you over there, are you Bob?
Vincent:No, I'm Vincent.
Tifa:Not YOU! Hey, you over there that I'm looking at! What is your name?
Bob:I'm.....Bob!(hehehe, I just spelled my name backwards! They think I'm Bob when I'm really Bob!!!!! Hahaha.....D'OH!!!)
Cloud:So you ARE Bob?
Bob:Will Smith! Tommy! Get over here!
The MIB music plays, and Will and Tommy come through the door equipped with sunglasses.
Will Smith:You called?
Bob:Take care of these guys!
Boss music plays.
Cloud:You're gonna die!
Vincent:Uh... aren't we only supposed to have a party of 3?
Cloud:Dammit. Uh...Vincent and Cid, come with me!
Cid:SHUT UP!! HE CALLED ME!!!!
Cloud attempts to strike Will Smith, but he flashy-things him. Cloud stands there, frozen.
Tommy:You have just heard the others insulting you.
The MIB unflashy-thing Cloud.
Cloud:Hey! Don't you call me that!
Cloud rushes at everyone and tries to attack them, but they hold Cloud down.
The MIB get out those cool guns.
Cloud:No, this is a pizzaria, not a Chinese restaraunt! They don't serve duck here!
The party dodges the laser beam.
Will Smith:Damn. Missed.
The MIB charge up to fire again.
Cloud:Damn! They've got us cornered!
The MIB fire the gun, but nothing comes out. Confused, they look at their guns.
Tommy:ENERGIZER BATTERIES???????? Man! Now we're out of power!
The Men in Black back away. The party attacks them like crazy, but Will and Tommy run away.
Cloud:We did it!
Sephiroth:But Bob's still at large. We need to find him!
Cloud:But how can we find him?
Tifa:Hey, I've got an idea!
Tifa:There's this really big computer that can tell the location of any person on the planet!
Cloud:Cool! Where is it?
Tifa:Its right there!
Cloud:Oh! I though that was a pinball machine.
Cloud looks at the monitor. "World's Most User-Friendly Computer"
Cloud sits down and types:
bad command or file name
bad command or file name
not enough memory.
C:free up some memory then!!!
C:Can you free up some memory?
C:Can you please free up some memory?
it didn't sound like you meant it
C:What? This is a KEYBOARD!!!!!
don't be so angry.
C:where is Bob?
Bob is on the planet.
C:Where on the planet?
In the troposphere.
C:Where in the troposphere?
on the surface.
C:Where on the surface?
On solid land.
C:WHERE on solid land?
In a town
A town is a small group of houses placed in a common area. And stop speaking like a cave-man.
C:What town is Bob in?
C:Where is Vilta Town?
On the surface.
Sephiroth:We've got to track him down!
Suddenly the phone rings. The pizza guy picks it up and talks for a moment.
Pizza Guy:Its for you, Cloud.
Mysterious Voice:Hello, Cloud?
Voice:Do you know what I just did?
Voice:I just called you collect, without dialing 1-800-COLLECT!
Cloud:NOOOO!!!! You could have saved us up to 44%!!!!
Cloud slams the phone down.
Sephiroth:Was that Bob?
Cloud:If it was, then I'm gonna KILL him!!!!!!
Can the party find Bob? Who is the mysterious caller? Can Bob be stopped in time? Will Yuffie pass her final exams? What about the Men in Black? Tune in next time, for part 4 of the series!!!
Bonus: ALL the Jenova's:
Jenova-Made in Taiwan
Jenova Jenova bo Benova banana fanna fo Fenova...
Cloud and the others have just survived an attack by the Men in Black. They question the head pizza-guy at the restaraunt for clues.
Cloud:Do you have any idea where Bob might be?
Pizza Guy:I don't know. But I know that the Zor's Pizza Headquarters is somewhere in Midgar. You'd better head there!
And so the party walks on.
Cloud:Damn, I forgot how to get to Midgar from here!
Vincent:Cid, you know your way around here pretty good, don't you?
Cloud:Good! Lead us to Midgar!
Cid doesn't move.
Cid:Ummm, which city was Midgar again?
Cloud:The one with the big cannon on it!
Cid leads the party on. They finally arrive at their destination.
Tifa:This doesn't look like Midgar.
Vincent:You moron! This is Junon!
Cid:You said the city with the big cannon! The cannon's right-, oh, wait, that's right- they moved it. Oh well.
Cid gets to the outer edge of Midgar, when they spot Bob!
Bob:No, not you!
Cloud:We're gonna fight you for this!
Bob:But I'm scared! That sword can cut me in half!
Cloud:Don't worry! This is a Final Fantasy 7 battle! You can be hit by missiles, lasers, skulls, set on fire, frozen, electrocuted, poisoned and slashed, and still be in perfect health!
Bob:But I've never been in a fight before!
Battle music starts.
Bob:Hey, where'd that music come from?
Vincent:It starts whenever theirs a battle.
Bob:Hey! The screen's getting all twirly!
The battle screen appears. Bob looks down at the status gauge.
Bob:Hmmm. Numbers. What are those? And why is there a little white hand pointing at me?
Bob looks up at a sign that just appeared on the top of the screen. He reads it out loud.
Bob:Hmmm. Knights....of....the....Round.., what's that supposed to mean?
Suddenly the Knights rush in and slash him.
Bob:Ow! Hey, what's going on? OW!!!! No fair!!!!!
The knights leave, and there is a long pause.
Cloud:Pssst, hey Bob, its your turn!
Bob:My turn? What do I do?
Cloud:Cast a spell!
Bob casts Fire3 on himself.
Cloud:No! Cast magic on US! I'll give you another turn.
Bob casts Cure3 on the good guys.
Cloud:No! You moron! Okay, there are two types of spells, got me?
Cloud:There are curative and attack spells. Attack spells you use on the enemy, got me?
Cloud:Then there are curative spells, you cast them on yourself. Curative spells will heal you.
Bob:I don't understand.
Cloud:Look, I'll cast a magic spell on you, and you do excactly the same thing, got me?
Cloud cast Fire3 on Bob.
Bob then casts Fire3 on himself.
Cloud:What the hell did you do that for?
Bob:You said to do excactly what you do!
Cloud:No, no! I use Fire3 on you, and you use Fire3 on me!
Cloud casts Fire3 on Bob.
Bob casts Fire3 on Cloud.
Bob:Hey, that didn't do any damage!
Cloud:That's because I'm wearing a fire ring. I'm protected from fire.
Bob:This is confusing!!!
Cloud:Look, lets try again some other time, okay? Besides, you're already dead.
Bob looks at his hit points.
Bob:Damn. Well, I'll be back!
The battle music ends and the screen fades.
Cloud:We'll fight again when you learn how.
Bob:Oh, don't worry about me! I have some friends who can fight you themselves!
Cid:Who are the @#$@#$@?
Bob:I summon the Weapons!
Cloud:Uh, Bob, you have to put the summon materia in a weapon or armor.
Bob puts the summon materia inside his shirt.
Bob:I summon the Weapons!
Suddenly, the once defeated Weapons rise again, and converge towards the party.
Ultimate Weapon:Destroy everything!
Diamond Weapon: Yeah! Kill! Kill!
All the weapons attack Midgar as the party runs around frantically. Suddenly Emerald Weapon stops everything.
Emerald:Aren't we supposed to be PROTECTING the planet?
Ultimate Weapon:Hmm. I never thought about that.
Ruby:What are we supposed to protect it from?
Emerald:From Ultimate Weapon over there!
Ultimate:Ruby does more damage than me!
Ruby:Do not! I just sunbathe in the sand!
Diamond:Yeah, and kill hundreds of people, too!
Ruby:Look, if someone comes near me, I feel threatened! I have to fight them!
Ultimate:Shut up, all of you! We all know that Emerald Weapon is killing everything!
Diamond:Let's get him!
Emerald:I am not killing everything!
Emerald:My mother is the planet, you bastard!
Emerald:We were ALL born from the planet!
Ruby:Well, shouldn't we be attacking Cloud and the others?
Emerald:Yeah, lets get them!
Diamond:Uh, where did they go?
Cloud, already into Midgar, approaches the Zor's Pizza Headquarters.
Cloud gets to the door. A doorman stops him.
DoorMan:Do you have an appointment?
Cloud:No! But this company is in great danger!
DoorMan:Sorry, you need an appointment.
Cloud:But this company is in extreme peril! Zor's Pizza will perish and die if you don't let us in!
DoorMan:Sorry, you need an appointment.
Cloud:But Bob's gonna close down Zor's Pizza, and has summoned the Weapons, and they will destroy the planet, and everything will crumble and die and the entire universe will collapse on itself and all matter will explode and all the dimensions will overlap and twist and time will reverse and everything will explode!!!!
DoorMan:Sorry, you need an appointment.
Suddenly the president of Zor's Pizza comes down.
President:What's all this commotion about?
DoorMan:These guys here want to get in without an appointment!
President:Get off my property!
Sephiroth:Mr. President, you must listen to us! Bob wants to close down Zor's Pizza!
President:Bah! Do you expect me to believe that?
Cloud:Well, we kinda were.
President:Well, I don't! Hahaha!
Cloud:But Mr. President...
the President slams the door. Content, the President walks up to his office on the top floor. But when he gets there, someone is in his seat.
Bob:Its me, Bob.
Presidents: Bob who?
Bob:Sorry, I don't do knock-knock jokes.
Bob turns around to face the President.
President:What are you doing here?
Bob:In a few days, I will own this company!
Bob:I'm sueing you!
Bob:I've proven that your pizzas' cause death!
President:Let me see some proof!
Bob hands the president some papers. The president puts on his reading glasses.
President(reading aloud): Hmmmm. 100% of all subjects were found to be dead one hour after eating a fresh pizza from Zor's.
Bob:See? All the proof is in there!
President:Who did you test?
Bob:The names of everyone I tested are on page 3.
President:Okay. Hmmm. Joe Marron, Susan Nescalus, Dyne, Biggs, Wedge, Jessie....
President:Wait a minute... these guys all died a long time ago!
Bob:But were they not dead after they ate Zor's Pizza?
President:They were dead BEFORE they ate Zor's Pizza!
Bob:But the judge won't know that, and the trials tommorow!
President:I'll tell the jury this!
Bob:But you can't!
Bob:Will Smith! Tommy Lee Jones! Get over here!
The Men in Black music plays, and the two agents walk in.
Bob:Dispose of this man.
Will Smith:Yes, sir!
The Men in Black pummel the president to death.
The next day, the party unexpectadly sees the trial on television.
Cloud:Hey, look! Its Bob!
Vincent:Quiet, we have to watch this!
Judge:Okay, what is your story, Mr. Bob?
Bob:Okay. I have performed several tests which indicate that Zor's Pizza causes death.
Zor's Pizza Lawyer: I object! We, sir, honestly don't believe that Zor's Pizza causes death!
Bob:Yes, but 100% of the people I tested were found to be dead one hour after eating Zor's pizza!
The judge looks at the records.
Judge:I see. Zor's Pizza, what is your defense?
Zor's Pizza Lawyer:We don't believe that Zor's Pizza causes death!
Judge:Do you have proof?
Zor's Pizza Lawyer:Uh... not yet...
Judge:Jury, have you reached a verdict?
Jury Person:So far, 8 for Bob and 0 for Zor's, but some people haven't voted yet.
Judge:Okay. This session is closed. This case will resume in one week. Dismissed.
Sad music plays. The court case makes Zor's Pizza a national target for prejudice. The surgeon general is forced to put signs on the pizza boxes like: Warning: Eating Zor's Pizza can cause severe stomach disorders! , or Warning: Eating Zor's Pizza is hazardous to your health. This several hurts Zor's Pizza, and even their mascot, Joe Cammal, is hated by the people.
"Joe Cammal is getting our teenagers to start eating at a young age!" desperate parents say. On the MTV music video awards, the new president announces that when he was a kid, he ate a Zor's Pizza, but didn't swallow.
Cloud:No! What's gonna happen?
Vincent:We've got one week to stop Bob.
Will Smith:I don't think so!
The MIB rush into the room.
Cloud:Hey, let us go!
Aeris:Get away from me!
Cid:What the @#$#@$@???
Barret:Yo' man, you steppin?
The Men in Black capture the party and put everyone in chains.
Tommy:You'll rot in prison!
Cloud:We'll get you for this!
The party is taken to the state prison. Inside, professional boxers sit down and Richard Nixon constantly says: Hey! I am not a crook! Get me outta here! I am not a crook!
The party is then thrown in a big cell, along with Big Joe.
Cloud:Not Big Joe.
Big Joe:Hey, man, you're the guy who punched me and got me arrested! I'm gonna pound ya for this!!!
What will happen to our heroes? Can Zor's Pizza survive? Will the Weapons destroy everything? You'll have to tune in next time, for part 5!!!!!!
It has been a week since Zor's Pizzaria became doomed. The trial was nearly over and things didn't look good. Cloud and the others are still in jail.
Red:Man, I could really go for a pizza right now.
Cloud:If we want pizza, we must stop Bob.
Sephiroth:But he has the Weapons, and the Men in Black!
Vincent:Oh, man! All we have are a bunch of guys with really powerful weapons that can do 9999 points of damage!
Cloud:And I have this black eye from Big Joe!
Big Joe:Hey, yo! You better stop talkin'!
Big Joe:You want me to come over there?
Big Joe:Come on'!
Cloud:Officer! Get him away from here!
Officer(glances up from newspaper):That's nice.
Everyone backs away.
Cloud:Come on guys! We can handle him!
Sephiroth:Uh, I....lost all my energy summoning the Meteor!
Red:I, uhh...don't want to ruin my coat of fur.
Barret:I...be pullin' a muscle!
Big Joe beats on Cloud. After a short while, Cloud gets his limit break guage filled.
Cloud:Oh, man! I don't have a sword!
Big Joe:Yo! I don't need a sword to beat you!
Cloud uses Omnislash on Big Joe, without his sword.
Cloud:OWWW! My hands! There's burning! OOOOWWWWW!!!!!
Officer:Hey, what did I tell you about using Omnislash in my prison?
Big Joe:You better have somethin' to say, REAL quick, you @$@#!
Big Joe:I'm gonna crush yo' head in!
Cloud:Man, what I'd give for something to break up this moment....
there is a long pause. Suddenly, Yuffie comes running in, singing and twirling around.
Yuffie:I PASSED! I PASSED! I PASSED MY TESTS!!!!!!YAAAAAAA!!!!!I PASSED!!!!
Cloud(from under his breath): Yuffie!
Yuffie:I PASSED! I PASSED!!!!!!!!!
Cloud(a bit louder): Yuffie!
Yuffie:HHAAAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!I PASSED MY TESTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!YAAAYYY!!!!!!!
Cloud(much louder): YUFFIE!!!!
Yuffie:Did you hear? I passed the tests!
Cloud:No....I didn't hear you screaming just a second ago.... Now get us out of here!
Cloud:Kill the guard!
Yuffie looks at the dead officer.
Yuffie:He had a really strong hearing aid on.
Cloud:Good! Now unlock the bars!
Yuffie:I don't know how!
Cloud:Well, find out!
Yuffie:Uh-oh! It's gotta be one of these levers here.
Yuffie pulls all the levers several times. Every single jail cell in the prison opens up. Thousands of homicidal, criminal maniacs rush out!
Crowd of Maniacs:AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!KILL KILL KILL!!!!!!!!!!!WE MUST KILL!!!!!
The crowd reaches the end of a corrider, then run back.
Crowd of Maniacs:Little girl, where is the exit?
Yuffie:Oh, its down to the left.
Crowd of Maniacs:Okay, thanks! Oh, and thanks for letting us out!
Crowd of Maniacs:Okay, bye!
Crowd of Maniacs:KILL! KILL! WE MUST KILL!!!!!! Thanks again!!! KILL! KILL!!!
Cloud:Well, at least we're free.
Cid:@#$$@#!!! They're getting away! We have to stop them!
Vincent:I know! I can lock the door if I can just get through the crowd.
Cloud:How are you gonna do that?
Vincent:I'll just blend in with the crowd!
Vincent uses his level 3 limit break and changes into the Jason monster. He then rushes through the crow.
Vincent:Scuse me, comin through....outta my way....lets move it....
Vincent reaches the front of the line.
People in theCrowd of Maniacs: Let us through!
Vincent:You can't pass!
People in theCrowd of Maniacs: We'll beat you up!
Other People in theCrowd of Maniacs: Quiet! Would a face like that ever lie to you? And look, he's carrying a gun AND a chainsaw!
Vincent:Listen people! You must return to your cells. There is an....uh....exit!, yeah...that's it...in the brick on the left corner! If you exit this way, there will be great..uh..danger! No, wait...let me think of something...uh..there will be cops waiting at this door!
There is a long pause.
Crowd of Maniacs:You sound like a smart man! Let's go everybody!
All the maniacs get back in jail. Vincent turns back to human form.
Cloud:We need to get out of here!
Vincent:Where do we go next?
Cloud:We must get to the court room before the jury makes a decision! I have a plan!
Cloud and the others reach the door of the court room. All of a sudden, someone stops them.
Bob:Go no further!
Cloud:Outta my way!
Bob:Oh, you think you're good? Well, I learned how to make a good battle!
The screen twists around and the battle screen appears. Except the status bar is sideways and in German, the characters are all angles in weird ways and the wrong weapon is with the wrong character, and the battle arena is upside down, and the Chocobo music is playing, and the little white hand points to absolutely nothing.
Cloud:I, uh..summon the Knights of the Round!
The Knights rush in. But when they attack, they do AAAAA points of damage each.
Knight #1:What the hell is going on here?
Knight #2:It's these new video games. Too many glitches. Give me the good old days when we defended castles for King Arthur!
Knight #3:Now that you mention it, King Arthur was kind of a dweeb.
Knight #2:Silence! How dare you say that about the great King!
Knight #3:The King's been dead for years!
Knight #2:Oh! In that case: KING ARTHUR IS A @$#@$@#!!!!!!!
Knight #1:Right on!
Knight #2:I just had to get that off my chest.
The Knights leave.
Cloud:Get it right next time.
The battle ends.
Bob:Oh, man! I'll never be good at battles!
Cloud:You're right! Now, let us in the court-room!
Bob:Not so fast! Will Smith! Tommy Lee Jones!
The Men in Black music plays and the MIB come through the door, equipped with sunglasses.
Bob:There's no way you can defeat these guys! Well, its back to the court-room for me! See ya later!
Cloud:Come back here, you wussy little scrawny @$#$@!!!!
Tommy:Let's get 'em!
Vincent:What can we do?
Sephiroth:They are too powerful! We can't possible stop them!
The MIB charge up their laser guns.
Cloud:I need a plan, quick!
Cid:I got an idea!
Cid:Some guys are paying you TWICE as much to star in THEIR movie!
Will:Ooo! Where? Where?
The Men in Black rush off, never to be seen again. Cloud breaks open the courtroom door.
Judge:Who are you?
Cloud:Stop this trial right away! I can PROVE that Zor's Pizza is innocent!
Judge:Oh, yeah? Prove it!
Cloud hands a piece of paper to the Zor's Pizza lawyer. The lawyer reads aloud.
Lawyer:Ahem....Zor's Pizza doesn't kill people, people kill people!!!
Jury Member 1:Oh!
Member 2:I never thought of that!
Member 3:Well, now that you mention it...
Member 4:That makes things much clearer to me!
Member 5:Zor's Pizza is innocent!
Member 7:Right on!
Bob:People! Look at these tests! Come on! NOOOO!!!!!!!!!
The date of the verdict arrives. Cloud and the others are sitting in the courtroom.
Juror:On this day, X month, X date, we, the jury find that the...
Judge:Get to the point! What is the verdict?
Judge:Not the score! The verdict!
Juror:Oh yeah. Okay. We of the jury find Zor's Pizzaria to be.........innocent!
Juror:No, but they make damn good pizza.
Cloud:So you find them guilty?
Juror:Hey, I'll risk my life for a Zor's Pizza!
Cloud:Me too! Let's all go over and eat, everyone!
Red:Finally! My pizza!
At the pizzaria:
Cloud:Man, pizza tastes even better when its legal!
Red:This is good!
Sephiroth:What do we do about the Weapons?
Cloud:Oh, don't worry about them.
Yuffie:Say, Cloud, I'll trade you my slice of pizza for that Knights of the Round materia over there?
Sephiroth:Be careful with that!
Yuffie accidently casts KOTR on a waiter.
Cloud:No, this slice of pizza you gave me has no pepperoni!
Sephiroth:But really, we need to stop the weapons!
Cloud:I'm sure they're fine.
Sephiroth:But what about Ruby, and Emerald, and Diamond, and Sapphire, and...
Diamond Weapon(munching on a pizza):Hey, who called my name?
The Weapons continue to eat their pizza.
Cloud:What about Bob?
Vincent:Oh, they got something real special for him.
Meanwhile, in the Gold Saucer....
Kids:Hey, its one of those guys in a suit!
Bob(inside a chocobo suit):Oh, no!
Kids:Mommy! Look at this!
Kids:I want a Chocobo!
Mother:Kids, you'll get a Chocobo someday.
Kids:Mommy! We want to play with the big Chocobo!
Back at the pizzaria.
Cloud:So, I guess everything's settled then?
Cait Sith:Yep, and we have a good future, too!
Sephiroth:Well, there is ONE problem....
Sephiorth:There's only one slice left.
Everyone pauses. The tension grows. Their eyes get narrow. They look back and forth at each other with rage in their eyes.
Cloud:Oh, look! Midgets on horseback flying kites!
Everyone turns to look.
Cloud(eating the pizza):Hehehe!
Bonus: Something that should clear up the game's ending a bit.
Meteor(checks watch):Hmm. Midgar. Yep, this is the place. I wonder where that Holy is? She's late!
Meteor starts destroying Midgar.
Holy:Here I come!
Holy:Oh man! You didn't start destroying the city without me, did you?
Holy:Well, lets get to work. Those humans think I want to stop you! Haha!
Holy and the Meteor destroy Midgar. Suddenly, the lifestream appears.
Lifestream:Hey, yo! Get outta here!
Meteor:Oh no! Its one of those gangs!!!
Holy:Don't blame me, I voted for the budget on crime reduction!
The lifestream beats the Meteor and Holy into a pulp.
Lifestream:Hey, they've got credit cards!
Meteor:I finally got rid of that credit card......
Thus ends the terror of Vile6666's story. However, the fear shall live on. There will be other stories... and you WILL like them...you WILL like them...looook at my watch.....you will LIKE my stories.....you will LIKE my stories.....hahahahahahahaha!