Kakumei Muyo

By Harunomiya

Disclaimer:Revolutionary Girl Utena and its characters belong to Be-PaPas, Chiho Saito. Shogakukan, Shokaku Iinkai and TV Tokyo.

Tenchi Muyo and its characters belong to Hitoshi Okuda, AIC and Pioneer.

Chapter 18: Declaration

Utena stood motionless, before the full-length fencing mirror, in her room in Washu's lab. Her body was warmed from her bout with her sparring partner. She studied her reflection intently.

To look at her in the mirror, one would think that she was the same Tenjou Utena, she's always been. But she wasn't the same. She discovered this part of herself at the center of her being, that made her feel real and alive. More aware of where she stood in relationship to others. To the rest of world and what the world thought.

They always thought her strange because of how she chose to dress, and slapped on a label, this is what you are, all without knowing her.

Well, now it was certain. And she decided to do it her own way, one person at a time. Those she thought needed, deserved, to be told.

She already knew who she was going to tell first.

Ryoko's words still echoed in her mind. They were still making an impact even months later.

"...it's something to tell you to be true to yourself. Anthy may have been the one to open the door to love a woman. To show you it's possible for you, natural."

Her lips bloomed into a faint smile. Hearing Ryoko voice calmed the pink-haired girl. Ryoko was very smart and Utena couldn't help but marvel at her insight that she hid under a mask of carelessness. The smile slipped as Utena briefly entertained the idea that maybe Anthy was the exception. Utena shook her head, scowling, disgusted with herself for even thinking such a cheap thought. She had to stop deluding herself, she was attracted to women, she'll no longer deny that.

There was something about them that called out to her, to discover the mysteries that lay beyond such beauty.

"You should go out there and find out." Ryoko words encouraged.

"Go and find out," Utena murmured. How exactly does one go about that, hmm?

"A girl with your qualities won't have trouble at all."

Huh. Utena wasn't one prone to vanity, but she took a moment to study herself. What she saw reflected back at her wasn't anything amazing about her looks. The other girls in the house she believed outshone her in every possible way. In her own mind she saw herself as average and physically fit. The only thing she took great satisfaction in, was how hard she strives to hone her body, with absolute discipline taking great care to bring out her full ability. This had to be the case, not once Dios's made his presence known. Has been silent. Ever since she moved with the Masaki household, his been more present then when she was growing up. She wondered why, at this unusual silence, but at the same time she was glad. She had enough with Ryoko's voice in her head, she didn't need his making it two. Still, I wonder why? Utena mused. This last train of thinking was leading her away from the topic and into the beginnings of a tangent.

But the young woman caught herself in time. No, Tenjou. I can't have that. Stick to right now's mental topic. Worry about Dios silent treatment later, Utena rebuked herself.

She focused her thoughts before that tangent disrupted her. She paused, she wasn't in a rush to dive in, and start dating. I'll take it slow, there's no need to rush, she told herself. Utena had her priorities straight.

That thought made her smirk but became serious again. Other things took precedence, her training and education. But the door was open.

There was something that she had to do first. She felt a twinge of uncertainty travel down her spine.

"Are you afraid of what idiots might think?" Ryoko had asked.

Lifting her hand to cover her face, Utena rested her forehead against the mirror. Memories of Ryoko were as relentless as she was in person. She knew that Ryoko would think she had a screw loose, no doubt due to hanging out with Washu, whom she would easily blame. If Utena wasn't confident of her mental stability, she would have agreed, and worried about these one-sided talks. Still they helped her work out her feelings. "I never did," Utena said softly. "I only care what certain people think of me."

The reflection in the mirror of the rose crest on her finger caught her eye through the gap between her fingers. Seeing it, winking at her, the constant reminder of what she strives for, steadied Utena, allowing her eyes to glitter with determination. She didn't need anything else but her own strength to do this. She had to stand on her own.

Pushing off from the mirror, she turned her back to it and ran her hand through her messy hair, fingers combing through the tangled strands. Once she felt that she was presentable enough for a midnight chat. She knew that Washu was a nocturnal being, and was certain that she'll find her typing away her equations and deductions, burning through the midnight oil.

With a plan in mind, Utena moved with a sure step and resolve.

Utena was unaware that her reflection was not upon the mirrored surface but also a shadow of Dios' presence was visible. Had she known, Utena would have seen the faint smile that graced his lips.

But she was wrong, Dios was always present making himself known in other ways, giving her a nudged here or there. An echo for someone else voiced thoughts, that resounded in the pink-haired girl's head. He knew her heart, her spirit... so akin to his own, resonating with what was left of him. He just wanted to open her eyes to the truth. Even if it was just in a dream...

Made possible because of the feelings that were already in her heart.

A Prince must become what is required in order to best serve, those who have need of the Prince.

And for the love he bore for both a sister he had failed, and the girl who loved her in turn, he would restore what was lost.

Even if it was just some measure of it.

* * *

"Mommy Washu?" Utena called out softly, once the door vanished behind her. As she had thought, Washu was working on her computer. A quick smile appeared. She was inexplicably heartened to see how some things remained constant. The smile faded when she reminded herself of the task at hand.

"What is it?" Washu asked over her shoulder, eyes softening at who was calling.

A few feet away stood Utena. Gone was the fencing garb and dressed in her favorite pajamas. Her arms hung at her sides, hands clenched into fists. "If you're not too busy, I... We need to talk."

Washu studied Utena's face briefly, seeing the tension in her shoulders, her stance as if bracing for something. But there something she couldn't decipher in her blue eyes.

What troubled her so? Washu wondered. "Sounds serious," Washu finally commented, and gestured at Utena to take a seat.

Utena nodded.

Utena was cautious, would understand if Washu needed time to deal with the truth. She didn't think that Washu would be terribly surprised, but she didn't truly know how the scientist would react...

Washu settled in, and waited for Utena to speak.

Her eyes were averted, studying her hands that rested clenched in her lap. How do I begin? This was a defining moment for her. Although she was determined to tell her, she searched for the words o make her understand.

So why am I so nervous? It was illogical, really. She had decided that a more formal way of addressing the matter was needed. She knew that they all knew, but she still felt it was necessary to ‘officially’ tell them. And so her determination warred with her nervousness.

Here she was, sitting before Washu, who waited for her to speak, and she couldn’t move any further. Thoughts clamored in her mind, all more ridiculous than the last. Loudest among them was the treacherous whisper: What if she... they don’t accept me?

Utena shoved the wayward thoughts out of her mind mercilessly. She took a deep breath.

Washu ever intent, picked up on the cues that Utena was unconsciously sending out. Things that another would have missed. But Washu had learned to read body signals over the course of her considerable lifespan. She spotted the slightest movements and gestures that signaled her internal struggle.

From such actuate body reading, she was able to divine the heart of the matter.

"Do you want me to say it or...?" Her words trailed off, leaving it an open-ended question.

Utena looked up at her, blue eyes wide, utterly dumbfounded.

The most brilliant mind in the known universe wondered if she did the right thing. There was a slim chance she could be mistaken. At the stunned look on Utena's face she held up her hand, "If that's not the case, forget I said anything."

"You knew," she stated, still looking surprised, even though she was red-faced.

"I suspected," Washu replied, with an elegant shrug of her shoulders.

Nothing gets past you, she thought ruefully. Utena looked sheepish. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"It's not my place, but your personal decision to tell me," she said simply.

Washu was right, as always. It was up to her to do the saying, Utena would not be satisfied with anything else. She already knew, but Utena felt the need to say the words aloud to her. The blue-eyed girl closed her eyes, took a breath, counted to seven, and opened her eyes as she exhaled. Silently sending a prayer to to the powers that be, she opened her mouth to speak.

“I like girls.” She had blurted it out before could even think. Grimacing – she had been planning on a much more eloquent approach – she held her breath, waiting for a reaction.

Washu reeled back as gasped and covered her mouth. But her merry green eyes gave her away.

Utena laughed as the tension left her body, feeling weak from relief, thankful that she was already seated.

"So... are you okay with it?" Utena asked.

"Are you okay with it?" Washu countered, softly.

"Yes. I'm coming to terms with this new side of me," Utena said and tried to gather her thoughts. "Things have changed and expanded. I see things differently. I could have lived a lie, created a life around other people's expectations. I finally found myself."

"I'm so glad for you my little Utena," Washu said as she shifted into her adult form, and threw her arms round Utena and drew her close. Held her tight. A mother's loving embrace.

Blue eyes stung with emotion.

"So many people don't risk anything, and aren't true to themselves that they don't really live. You are truly exceptional young woman."

Hearing those words and the complete acceptance was enough to choke her up. "Thanks."

Washu was content to hold the youngster as long as she needed, enjoying the contact. She was immensely pleased that she was able to comfort her. Sensing that the girl was once again regained her composure, she drew back. "Feeling better?" she asked and Utena nodded. "Good."

"Well, that's two down," Utena joked, "a few more to go."

"So it seems," Washu agreed. "Just don't feel that there's a need to rush things."

"Yeah."

"Just remember that I'm here whenever you have need of me. Whatever you need to talk--"

"I'm very sorry," Utena said to her quietly, "but I'm not ready to talk about it, what happened to me back then." Washu was surprised to see a single tear slide down her cheek, "I don't know if I'll ever be ready to."

"I'm here for you," Washu repeated.

"I still can't sleep," Utena admitted.

"Well since you're here," Washu began, "How 'bout help me test out the latest upgrades for the simulator?"

"Anything for you."

* * *

"Got what you need?" Utena asked as she finally finished off the last of her opponents.

"Yep!" Washu said over the headset. "great as usual Utena. Why don't you head to bed?"

"In a bit. just give me a minute."

"Sure but don't be too long."

"I promise." Utena assured.

Sitting in the cockpit, Utena's thoughts wondered freely to the past. Her consciousness was filled with memories of Arisugawa Juri, the fencing captain at Ohtori

She remembered moments where Juri was actually smiling and thought the sight beautiful. Juri was a model and a striking one at that, but when she smiled, Utena thought her breathtaking. Having come across her at the fountain one night, she was brought up short.

Under the moonlight, the faint shine casting faded shadows to the ground, Juri sat before by the fountain. She was sitting there dressed in her white night gown. Her head was facing west as azure eyes scan the horizon, like the predator she was; the leopard.

But even her cold beauty was, enough to drive anyone to distraction. The sight of her under the moonlight was captivating. Dressed in soft white robe that clung gracefully to that slender frame, red-gold ringlets aflame with the moonlight, fair skin luminescent. Illuminating it in an angelic beauty.

She looked like a fallen angel.

Utena seemed mesmerized by her hypnotic beauty. She could now pinpoint the feeling that overtook her then. It was a sense of vertigo, because now with this new understanding of herself, she had yearned to touch that beauty, so strongly that it called to her. But her powers of self delusion were formidable enough to hide the truth from herself.

But when Juri turned those eyes to her, they lost were as lost as Utena was. There she was, contemplating her fate and the things Utena also had lost along the way. So many parts of her, the leopard, so many brave and stoic masks she presented fell away in that moment in time.

But, there was a sadness in her eyes, no matter how strong she would like to make herself that was visible at times. Past issues made her weak, and she hated it, Utena knew. But along with the sadness there was a longing in them as well.

Utena could feel the sorrow, radiating from Juri’s body, feeling hollow and sad from her constant nostalgia of Shiori. She knew it well enough to recognize it now, she lived with it well enough.

She could see herself as a kindred spirit to her. How ironic that she understood this now.

The beautiful leopard, would be disdainful with any inkling of comparison between the two of them. Utena could easily bring to mind, Juri's regal bearing, arms folded across her chest. Those blue-green eyes, cold contemptuous.

But no matter how much it would be denied, it was true. Utena could see how badly wounded the beautiful leopard was left with unrequited love, a cruel love that lift her scared and a prisoner of it, unable to let go.

Speaking the truth could be no more painful than keeping her feelings locked away. Juri's one wish was hidden away within a golden coffin forever lost and she could not seem to wake them. And perhaps it was that need to hide that made everything fall apart. Utena hated that notion. That Juri's lack of faith was her downfall and her belief in miracles was merely a shield to keep herself from taking the necessary steps to unburden her soul.

Hazel eyes had opened and she looked to the water falling from the fountain. The sound made Utena sleepy, but she could not leave. She had to wait.

How did it ever come to this? Utena mused, this waiting, the silent vigil for the dawn? Did Juri really think that if she sat there night after night someone would come and free her? Did she... believe?

She shook her head and pink strands brushed across her face.

No, she did not believe. She did not believe in anything. There was no hope. There was no such thing as love, as happily ever after. There were no miracles. There was no such thing as a those. It was all just make believe and pretty lies. The truth was that everything was pain. That one wished and hoped but could never truly receive. It was all just an illusion, a pretense like the floating castle and the power contained by the Rose Bride. There was no real power. It was only a deception and that was why she fought, wasn't it?

But Utena knew the truth. Juri did not.

She would win the duels and prove that the power did not really exist. Then she could rest. Then she could be happy, or at least be akin to the truth. She would have her proof and then she could toss her locket into the ocean and let it be taken to the ends of the earth.

A slow pain built in Utena's throat, the beginning of tears, she felt them sting her eyes. Had Juri ever cried her pain, and eased the burden over her heart? Utena wondered, as her own heart ached for that fallen angel. From the look in her eyes that night, by the fountain, she hadn't any left. What a pity, to be young and not have tears left to cry, only the shadow and shell of what it was to cry, to sob aloud and lament. Utena swallowed down the piercing was a hard thought.

Was that why Juri always sat by the fountain? Utena realized. She could not cry, but the sound of the water rushing, the light patter of rain, the spray of heat from the shower, those things could replace her tears. They could fill her mind and create an illusion of what she could no longer physically do. And it was a pale replacement to the real thing but it would do. It would be something compared to all her nothings.

With a deep breath she rose to her feet padding down the long and darkened path back to her room. The dawn was coming and while she would not sleep, she would at least be able to lie down, rest in a way for the day to come. And as she walked her mind made a silent wish that was ignored and discarded. But under the shell Utena felt Juri had become there was still a need, a light, a wish to do things over again. If both of them were stronger she could have told her secret. If she were what so many saw her as, she would not have been afraid of the things she felt. But she was afraid, afraid of what it meant to love someone so deeply. To want to keep that person from harm sheltered from every storm, to take all the pain away and melt it into herself.

She knew how it felt.

Oh how she knew.

She wanted to ask Juri about this.

Perhaps someday.

* * *

"Will you stop groping lord Tench!" Ayeka demanded as Ryoko teased him. But as usual, the ex-pirate ignored her. "Have you no shame, lady Utena is sitting besides you, and yet you persist with such wanton behavior."

Does she really think that Ryoko had given up on Tenchi? Utena wondered, genuinely surprised. By now the others realized that it was just a stunt. But the Juraian princess only saw what she wanted; she did not want to see either as a threat to her claim on Tenchi if the two of them were involved.

"You may have corrupted her with your unsavory habits. I will not allow Lord Tenchi to fall into your clutches!" Ayeka snapped, eyes furious.

As soon as those words left Ayeka's mouth, Ryoko leaped to her feet, hands clenched into fists, stung. "Unsavory! What do you think happens in a marriage bed centuries old?" she shot back, equally furious.

The color left her face, as soon as she realized what Ryoko was implying, Ayeka was saw red. Her tiny logs began to shimmer into existence and Ryoko in response called her energy blade, ready for anything.

"They're not like that!"

"Even you can't be really that naive."

"Shut your filthy mouth!"

"Make me!" Ryoko challenged.

Damn Juraian! Thinks she's so bloody superior! Ryoko inwardly raged. I'm going to wipe that look off her face! She was distracted from her furious thoughts by a light touch on her wrist, turning her attention to the source and meet Utena's blue eyes looking at her. What she saw in that piercing gaze spoke volumes, especially when they flickered over to Sasami who was looking worried as she was talking down Ayeka. Immediately Ryoko understood how inappropriate her comment was, but damn it. Utena couldn't like it any better than she did, but Utena's concern was not for herself but for Sasami. She didn't want to hurt the little girl. Her energy blade dissipated from sight with a light hiss.

She just wanted to hurt Ayeka for being such an ass about these things and said the first thing that came to mind. She scored her hit but may have gone too far. What she had said not only affected Ayeka, but the others as well. Yosho might not like hearing his mother slandered even though it might be true. In fact it, would not be surprising for such displays of affection to occur between the two queens that cared for each other as they cared for their husband. Tenchi did not take it well, he looked shocked and red-faced at the very idea of his great grandmother Funaho and Misaki together in such fashion. Tenchi was not raised in a Juraian culture that was overlooked such practices in marriages. I'm sorry Tenchi... Sasami was still a child, so not the best way to find out. Damn, damn, DAMN! I messed up again! She fought to temper her anger and shame. She would have teleported away from sight but, Utena's hand still rested on her wrist, holding her there. It would be so easy to shrug her off but knew what was Utena was asking. To bear with the consequences of her actions.

But all she wanted to do is run away, crawl under a rock, and never come out. Feeling utterly defeated, she apologized, and sat back down, staring morosely into her lap. She was startled by the contact of Utena's lips, brushing her cheek in a light kiss, and murmuring words of thanks in her ear. Drawing back Utena, saw the light blush that colored Ryoko's cheeks and her smile grew as she gazed at her with affection as she entwined her fingers with hers.

She knew how hard it was for Ryoko to back down, when it was something that mattered. And stay and face the source. It meant a lot to know that Ryoko would always defend her form anything whether asked for or not. She squeezed them lightly. But this was her fight.

So much for talking to each of them individually, Utena thought ruefully. She tried to maintain control of herself and collected, in the face of such outburst. Weather she was aware of it, Utena's demeanor helped settle everyone else. The faint scent of roses sweetly pungent and soothing, swirled about, helping to settle the nervousness tension that sprouted. It also helped ease and tempers.

She turned her attention from Ryoko and leveled her gaze at the princess, not challenging, merely polite. "Sorry to disappoint you, but I was never corrupted by Ryoko. I am like that," she said, a faint smile appeared. "Nothing wrong with it."

Ayeka cringed at Utena's simple declaration, hearing her hastily spoken words. It was not her intent to insult Utena, but she did. It was justified, that the girl reprimand her however lightly, it still stung. But it was for her to make amends, for such folly. Hearing Utena speak, repeating what she said, those words sounded harsh and judgmental. She made a fool of herself. No, Ryoko did that.

Crimson-faced, she bowed and murmured, a genuine apology. "I'm truly sorry. I didn't mean to offend you." Ayeka sat and kept her eyes on her food. There was an uncomfortable silence. If that damnable demon woman can sit here, so can I. I won't ever give her the satisfaction of running away. Someday...

"But I thought... so... aren't you two, um, together?" Mihoshi broke in, looking confused, looking back and forth.

She blinked. "No," Utena said. "I was just her Valentine."

"Oh."

"But you're so pretty!" Sasami exclaimed, pink eyes bright.

"We need to find you a girlfriend," Nobuyuki put in, with a wide grin.

"Hold on a minute..." Utena stammered. This was not good. Definitely not good. Utena tried to stop this train wreak in the making but was powerless to do so. She was like a bystander waiting for the gruesome outcome. It wasn't going to be pretty at all.

What was it about dinnertime that brings out such bizarre situations? Utena wondered, knowing that her public declaration stunned them all. She could see their varying expressions and would have laughed, but there wasn't anything funny about this situation. Not at all how I wanted to do this. But well... it's out there now.

Nobuyuki leaned forward, a gleam shone behind his glasses. "So who's your type?" he asked too causally.

He nearly choked on his tea. "Dad!" Tenchi spluttered, embarrassed, "That's none of your business!"

"What?" the man said innocently. "You know, I think I failed you as a father. So now I am determine to find Utena a girlfriend!" Several sets of eyes glared at the man. He began to sweat profusely, thinking he should have kept his mouth shut.

"That's okay..." She said as her face burned.

"Someone like me?" Mihoshi asked, blue eyes curious as she pointed at herself.

All head turned to Mihoshi, stunned.

Whaa?! Utena fought the shock at this sudden turn of events. Great was her surprise that she missed Nobuyuki's typical reaction. Dimly she was aware of a low pitched growl, and something whooshing past her, creating a light draft, followed by something hitting the floor with a thud. It was enough for her to look around and saw Tenchi's dad sprawled onto his back, rice scattered all over his face and an distinct bowl impression rapidly becoming a an unseemly welt.

"Serves you right," Tenchi said. I can't believe that man is my father, Tenchi bemoaned his misfortune as tears streamed down his face. His life must be one great cosmic joke.

"She's not on display," Ryoko growled, disgusted, glaring at the downed man.

Utena turned her attention back to Mihoshi, who was expecting her reply. She frantically sought the words to answer without opening a further can of worms. "Who knows," she finally answered, with a self-conscious smile. Mihoshi was very beautiful and Utena never saw her in that light before. But, did that mean... No, it can't be. She's in love with Tenchi. Utena thought. Right? "You do remind me of my best friend, Wakaba." At the name, flashes of the energetic girl in her mind made her smile. Maybe just like Wakaba.

Sasami tilted her head to the side, something about what Utena just said, triggered something. She frowned lightly, trying to pin down the elusive thought. She was about to grasp it, but it vanished all together, as her attention was snagged by a sudden movement.

Mihoshi's eyes grew wide. Unexpectedly, Mihoshi stood and her eyes simmered as she gazed at Utena, lower lip quivering slightly.

Utena didn't know what to make of the blonde's strange behavior. Is she going to cry? Dismayed at the thought, she quickly got to her feet, hoping to stop the flood before it began. "Mihoshi?" She reached out to the girl, not sure what to do.

To her surprise, Mihoshi launched herself at the pink-haired girl, who was quick enough to catch her. Utena staggered back under the sudden weight, even as her arms wrapped about the GP officer protectively as she fell on her rear. Mihoshi was hugging her as she was tangled in Utena's lap, giggling at Utena's expression. beaming broadly, past the happy tears that shone in her eyes, she spoke. "You say the sweetest things," she declared. She closed her eyes as she held onto Utena,resting against her while still wearing that beatific smile.

Sasami was laughing at the sight they made, and she wasn't the only one. Mihoshi was the unintentional comic relief in the house and even though she was an exasperating personality, it was great that she was able to completely break the tension around the table. Even if it was at Utena's expense.

Utena was looking utterly bewildered. She in turn looked over at Ryoko, hoping that she had an idea what the heck was happening. Ryoko was ready to pull Mihoshi off her. Instead, she burst out laughing at her friend's predicament. She was just as surprised that Mihoshi managed to clear the table without knocking anything on anyone.

Does she have a clue of what Utena meant? Ryoko wondered past her mirth.

--Probably not.-- Washu pointed out, through their link.

Author’s Notes:

End of Chapter 18.

I found myself drifting trying to put all the elements together. Lord Anime was kind enough to give me some ideas ^-^. I was at a loss, sitting at my computer with a vacant sign, blinking in my head. My Muse was not cooperating much, but I had to write this, finish filling the gaps before being able to post the next chapter. Trust me I'm quite impatient in wanting to get to the interesting stuff. What spurred me to write this thing in the first place. But I must show restraint.

It's not long now...

This feels slightly off. I'll probably revise it later.

Until next time!

So what do you think? Comments and Criticisms are welcome. Please review. Thanks for reading!

-Harunomiya