For the Love of a Sedimentary Rock Formation
By Voldie on Varsity Track

William Wallace sulked, his sea-blue eyes glinting in the serene starlight that illuminated the desolate highlands. Sighing, he blinked, staring at the lonely world beneath an infinite spread of stars; he, too, felt as forlorn as the Scottish wilderness, ever extending towards the distant horizon. Wallace was lonely, not to mention horny. Although the writers of Braveheart would insist on giving him a love interest to keep moviegoers entertained, Isabella of France was a bit too prepubescent for his liking. His men were asleep in a grove not far away, but he had already assraped each and every one of them. No, there had to be something else to fuck.

And then he saw it.

It was a sedimentary rock formation, and its attractiveness permeated all remnants of despair lingering in his languishing heart. No longer did his thoughts remain on Murron or her death. To hell with Murron, he thought; this fine geologic contraption is far more attractive, and, as a plus, it has not a saggy ass, nor does it have chlamydia, and is thus a better fuck than Murron ever could have been. In actualising these musings, Wallace had decided: he would indeed make love to that smoking hot sedimentary rock formation.

“Oh, sedimentary rock formation!” gasped Wallace, approaching it cautiously. “You’re so beautiful!”

Wallace’s two-inch penis rose from the depths of his mangled form, his breath quickening as he ran his gnarled hands over the stunning shale that so dominated every last fibre of his pitiful being. As arousal swept over him, he rushed to peel the britches from his sweaty, muscular legs, careful not to frighten the rock as he undressed himself. The rock did nothing, however, as Wallace, panting in anticipation, hastened to make love to it. Naturally, it was a rock and could not speak nor move, but Wallace found its silence disheartening. Did it even love him? He didn’t care. Because of its speech impediment, it would not scream for help if he really was raping it…

Wallace threw himself onto that sexy rock formation, frisking it, rubbing up against it fervently as its own hardness grated his dick as if it were mozzarella cheese. He grimaced, but ohgodohgod was the pleasure worth the pain! The rock lay still and silent below Wallace as he desperately tried to find its nonexistent opening. Wallace howled in agony; loose flakes of shale, to his horror, had just found their way up his urethra, digging into said urinary tract and the whole of his groin. Shaking, he lifted himself from the ground, glowering at the evil shale that had mutilated his precious trouser snake.

Sedimentary rock formations aren’t worth it, Wallace thought as he wandered off to rape Hamish. And that’s just what he did.

---

Combine my mum’s rambling about various Mel Gibson films plus four hours of boredom on a long car ride plus being hyper cos finals are over plus a laptop with no wireless, and you have this. I hope you enjoyed the mental image of Mel Gibson fucking a sedimentary rock in purposely purple prose... and if you didn’t, that just means you’re sane. ;)

Happy holidays, everyone!

--Christie