Ok. Its like 3:30 in the morning. I'm not supposed to make sense, i
dont think. you know? So if this is weird, my appologies.
This is for my sister.Consequently, this also ended up filling the
requirements of the get rid of Steph challenge in addition to being
written to give my sister a yucky feeling inside.
I don't own, etc etc. so on and so on, and Scooby dooby doo on.
Removal from the Nest
Tim had shown up at six am on a Sunday morning. "Have you ever heard
of calling first?" I opened the door, feeling and looking like
death. "What if I'd have had a hot red-headed babe here? How would it
look if I'd have opened the door, and in walks my little brother?"
"Dick, I gotta talk to you, man." Tim was especially agitated. "I'm
like… really confused. Like… who'd have seen that coming? Like… how'd
that happen? Like… I don't get it. I shouldn'ta been mean to her,
and… well? And it was her. And it was him…"
"Woh, slower, Impulse-wannabe."
"Impulse saw it too. It was like… and I knew since he saw it I wasn't
"From the BEGINNING, Boy Wonder." I closed the door behind him. "And
take off your coat, stay a while."
He rubbed the back of his neck. "Sure Dick. Sorry. I just… Woh. Ok.
Anyways. I guess it started last night. I was out patrolling, and I
couldn't find Spoiler. So I figured she was grounded or something.
That fine, right? So I went over her house, and her mom's acting all
embarrassed when I show up. She's all like… I'm sorry, Alvin,
Stephanie went out already tonight… no, through the front door. Which
is weird. Because we were supposed to meet. You know?"
I put on a pot of coffee as I listened to his harrowing saga. This is
why I'm the better man. If I would have woken Bruce out of a sound
sleep for girl trouble, I would have been the deadest sixteen year
old the world ever knew. Especially figuring in the type of girl
trouble I was having at the time. You know, medium height, athletic,
red hair… Bat symbol plastered across her breasts… Damn, that suit
was so tight I used to have images burnt into my mind of them pouring
her into that thing. Anyways, Babs was MY girl trouble, one I wasn't
going to go discussing with the brat.
"Ok, so what happened then? She ditch you for some other guy?"
"Yeah. That's exactly it. I knew just from how her mom was acting
that she was out with someone else. So I asked her. She said he had
dark hair like mine… leather jacket and a pair of shades—said he was
a friend of mine." He punched the table. "Can't I have ANYTHING? Does
Kon have to screw EVERYTHING up? And what's her problem! She better
have something good… like her mind was tampered with by alien
beings…" he looked at me. "Sorry, bro."
"Forgiven. So that was last night. You obviously didn't walk here to
blow off steam because you're still steaming."
"Well… I got Oracle to give me a location on Spoiler. So… um… I sort
of…" he coughed.
"NOT cool. But continue on."
"He took her to a CHICK FLICK. Can you believe that? Some movie about
chocolate and shit. Guess he's trying to be all sensitive and stuff."
"So? Like how was she acting?"
"If it's any indication of the desperation of my plight, she let him
put his arm around her. Well, that was the beginning of the end."
"They didn't know you were there?" I asked. "They mighta just been
putting up a show. Once, Roy took Kory out, and they knew I was
there, and they were practically slobbering all over each other." I
frowned. Roy could be a real bastard sometimes.
"How could they? I was in full-blown bat-stealth mode. THEN they went
for a walk. They were holding hands and everything." He buried his
head in his hands. "Dick, what am I going to do?"
"Ok. So that accounts for only part of the night. What happened after
"Then he took her for a flight. I lost them after they left Gotham
City limits. Where the hell's Batman when you need him? Where the
hell was he. He should have been busting down on Superboy, telling
him to stay the hell outta his city. Any other time, he'd be there to
ring ANYONE up who did that."
"He wasn't fighting battles, though, he was just seeing someone."
"Like that's ever stopped Bruce before."
"So that was it? They took off in the air and you lost `em?"
Tim shook his head painfully. "Then I… Um. Well, I went YJ
"Cause I couldn't get to Hawaii, and I had a feeling he'd take her
Suddenly, I was taking an almost… clinical interest in it. A perverse
clinical interest. "Continue."
"You sound like the Bat when you say that. Anyways. So. I got there,
and thank God Secret was gone, because it'd have been a REAL mess
then. Cissy and Cassie were there, doing whatever it is girls do. And
Bart was there. And they're all looking at me like… Robin's going to
shit a brick.
"So, when I ask what's up, Impulse takes off." He sighed. I have a
feeling the story gets both more interesting and depressing from
"Cissy asks `what're you doing here,' like I'm not wanted or
"I said I'd just come to see Kon.
"Cassie puts herself in front of me. `Well, he's kind of busy right
"I couldn't believe he brought her back there. Like, that wouldn't be
the first place I'd go. `Lemme guess, he's back there with a girl,' I
said in all seriousness.
"They were blown away. Like `how did you know?' and I just grinned
like I know everything. And I walk right past them both. Ok. Now
here's the part that REALLY pisses me off. I start walking down the
hall, and I get to the main control room, and there they are.
NECKING. No. Not NECKING. It was WORSE than NECKING because he had
her on the table. On the TABLE. WE have to sit at that thing, you
know? And she's wearing those cute jeans with the flowers on them,
and a tight purple sweater… and he's KISSING her. So I went up to
him, tapped him on the shoulder, and when he looked up at me, I
decked him. He rolled off of her, fell off the table, and Steph
starts screaming at me, like how could I, and bla bla bla. And I'm
just like… no, Steph, how could YOU. And then I walked out. And then
I came here."
He buried his head in his arms.
I didn't know what to do, so I put a hand on his shoulder. "Well, if
it's any consolation—I never liked her to begin with."
Tim shook my hand off his shoulder and looked up at me with wet
eyes. "I… I loved her. I still love…" he sniffed. "Dick, I'm such an
I stood behind him and put one hand on each shoulder. "I know it
doesn't make you feel better. And it was a jerky thing for me to say.
I know I can't make you feel better. We all get our hearts stepped
on, man. Lemme tell you about my buddy Roy. You haven't screwed up in
the chick department till you've had a kid with an assassin."
He gave me a half-hearted smile.
I handed him a tissue. "Blow your nose," I ordered him in that
special Alfred voice.
"The worst part is… Batman's training her now. Like… this'd be bad
enough if I didn't have to keep seeing her."
I grinned. This was the opportunity I needed to get rid of the little
wench. "Listen. Let me have a talk with Bruce."
"Yeah, that'll change stuff."
"I have some pull with daddy-dearest. Let me at least try. If he
won't ditch her, I just want him to know… in painful detail… what
he's getting himself into."
"What if it doesn't matter? What if he likes her better? Wanna know
what I heard? He said she could be better than me."
"Bro, she'll NEVER be better than you. You know why? Cause you're
decent. You care, and you care about the right things, and you care
about people. Why the hell's she out there ever night? She's doing it
"Babs started out doing it for kicks, if I remember my ancient
history correctly." Tim, ever the devil's advocate.
"Babs cared about people. She still does. Speaking of my best babe…"
I turned on the computer and sent her a message saying I wanted to
talk to Oracle ASAP.
"Can you do me a favor?" I asked.
"Depends on what it is, short pants."
"Can you send Bruce a copy of the security videos from Happy Harbor
from last night until this morning? You can edit for content as you
"Evil plot to kick a spoiled brat out of our nest."
"On it." And just as fast as that, Oracle was gone. Ok, so she didn't
like the idea of Batman training Spoiler either.
"You can't do that to her!" he protested.
"Tim, you're a good kid, and I feel your pain… but this is BS, I'm
sorry." I wish I hadn't started this in front of him, now. I figured
he'd jump at kicking her out of the club, but he was heart-broken. He
wasn't thinking at all with his head. You know, how she shouldn't
have been there to begin with. He was just thinking that he loved
her, and even if she'd totally screwed him over, kicking her out of
the clan was awful damned drastic for him. "Timmy, Tim, Tim. You
think too much before acting. Sometimes you just have to do something
spontaneous and completely and totally horrible and rotten, for the
good of the whole."
Tim would thank me for this one day. She'd be out of sight and out of
mind, and he'd heal, and meet someone worth of him (Batgirl's single,
I hear), and he would be able to move on.
"What if Batman sees it and doesn't care?"
I grinned evilly. "I'll MAKE him care."
Timmy was the good son. I was the older, more rebellious one. I could
piss the Bat off like this and have it actually work.
Tim looked like he was going to be sick.
"This is for your own good, buddy. Don't take that kinda shit from
her!" If I didn't do this for him, he'd always let himself be stepped
on by girls.
I rubbed his shoulders affectionately. "Listen to me. Purge the
Spoiler. Deep, cleansing breaths." After a few seconds hesitation, he
did start inhaling deeply.
Come on, everyone go with me on this journey of love.