Ashes To Ashes

Disclaimer: I don't own anything BTVS related I wish I did but I don't.

Dedication: To all the Spike fans who wondered why he didn't have any dignity after Joss and Marti wrecked his character.

Feedback: The usual drill with feedback please.

Note: This is a standalone and is based not only on the horrid season five of Buffy the Vampire Slayer but also on events in my own life. There will not be a happy ending. Also I stay true to the canon before the mess up in season four; Spike refers to Angel as his sire twice, once to Angel himself on the Buffy the Vampire slayer show and once on the Angel series. Also I do not care for the whole 'William Prat' name and have changed it.

Rating: PG-13 maybe R for language, hinted sexual stuff and for dark angst-ridden thoughts please do not read if any of this offends you.

[ Life Sucks And Then You Die

Everything was gone, every single solitary thing in his crypt was gone and so was the slayer. Not only was she gone, she was also never coming back thanks to that bastard Finn and his lies.

Then again he'd just told her what she wanted to hear they all did Spike thought darkly looking at the small box that had once contained memories of his human family, memories he'd fought long and hard to keep safe.

A part of his past that was now gone, the slayer had along with everything else ripped it away with a cruelty that had rivaled his sire.

Least with Angelus he'd always known to expect the worst. As sadistic and malicious as the poof had been, the bastard had always been understandable whenever he beat, tortured, raped and otherwise heaped every portion of abuse known to man and demon on Spike.

With the slayer there was nothing ohh sure she claimed they were friends, and she had come around to confide in him when she did with no one else (course he could've been wrong on that one) about her being expelled from heaven.

He had found himself opening up to her, found her reciprocating as the two of them shared horror stories. His desire for her, only a small part of the love he'd felt for his eyes, Buffy was more than just a slayer she was also a sister, a friend and he'd hoped one day she would become a lover.

His first night with her had changed everything, the surprise at having his heart's desires being given to him had been crushed when she had told him that he was convenient.

Their friendship had faded and whenever he had walked around while the others would there she would revert to type looking down at him as if he was pond scum.

Her friends had been no better and now, now Spike had nothing left. His home and his memories were gone as was his dream of proving himself worthy to her.

The eggs weren't what she had believed them to be, they had been Kian'shi eggs belonging to an old friend of his who had been on the run from Finn and his rogue military unit.A friend who most likely was dead by now, so there was no way to corroborate his story even if the slayer was willing to listen to him and that was doubtful.

A lone tear fell as he gazed down at the charred remains of a photograph of his mother and his sister. Spike had taken the portrait to a photographer who had then made it into a picture for him, and later he had planned to put it onto a compact disc.

Now it was gone, the last few pieces of William Alexander Blake's human history gone because of the woman he had the damage another tear fell as Spike looked at the journal he had kept his hands shaking as he picked up burned pages and held them close.

He hadn't really cried in a long time, yes he'd cried when Dru had left and when the slayer had died but this was different.

This was the last part of his human life, it was the part that had remembered a mother and a father and a sister all of whom were dead and gone had never gotten the fact that he'd had a family too, and that like her he had mourned them.

Whether it was her training, her friends or her upbringing Spike didn't know and at this point he was too tired to care.

Sitting on the destroyed chair he had loved the bleached blond vampire wept more openly now, wept at how unfair the world was and wondered for the first time why God hadn't simply killed him and had given him a life where the only good thing had been the lives he had taken.

Darla once had said 'God didn't want you' and Spike wondered if that was very true, granted it had been Angelus she had said it to but all the same he wondered if that applied to him as well.

He hadn't been evil in a long time, yeah he didn't have his soul anymore but William had remained a reminder of a time when Spike had fervently prayed for a better life, one where he was loved and cherished instead of looked down upon by society in general just because of his status.

Angelus had offered him better; peaches had taken him from the world with both his fangs and blood and had become a second father albeit one who fucked him and had taught him how to kill, lessons Spike had learned quite well.

His sire had been everything from friend to lover to confidante to teacher. And Spike had been his favorite the two of them having punished the ones who had looked down on him together with Angelus looking in with pride as his childe had rammed spike after spike into the skulls of those who had thought themselves better than him.

That part of his story to the slayer had been true; Spike had come from a wealthy family only to be looked down upon by everyone else.

He had just never told her the correct time or that Angelus had turned him.

When he had told the story he had decided to keep peaches out of it as much as possible, not wanting to crush someone who was already vulnerable enough.

He hadn't told her that he had been turned in 1880 or that he had first met Dru after his sire had raped, tortured and driven her mad before he and Darla had turned her.

Fat lot of good that had done him he thought as he once more surveyed the devastation around him and felt his heart shatter even more than it had when she had spoken those terrible words to him.

He doubted she'd even given him the time of day now, save for whenever she needed someone as muscle and as Spike looked down at the mess he sighed in defeat.

That was a part of why he was so heartbroken, the fact that she had gone out of her way to befriend then use and discard him so callously in favor of her friends, the same friends who were so bloody full of themselves they couldn't even see beyond their self righteous and utterly self centered attitudes to really see the damage they were causing.

Leaving Dawn and Tara in the middle he thought bitterly taking the only undamaged bottle of whiskey that was left before picking up a shattered piece of wood from one of the end tables placing both in front of him, contemplating both items for what seemed like hours

The next part was removing some damaged scraps of paper from the hand bound journal that had been a gift from his father and as he looked at it he felt a pang yet the vampire forced himself to press onward.

[ Dawn, I'm sorry I've taken the easy way out. I'm sorry that we won't get to spend time together and that everything's been going to hell in a hand basket for you. I'm sorry I couldn't protect your sister better and for you losing your mum.

But I've got nothing left, the truth is no matter how hard I tried to be good enough for your sister and her friends they never accepted me.

And since Dru and Darla are gone and Angel wants nothing more to do with me I don't see a whole lot of choices anymore.

I loved you like I loved my sister Katherine, and I loved Joyce like me own mum. I always will whether I'll be in heaven or hell (most likely the latter, as that's where demons go) please remember that and to take care of yourself. Your education and happiness mean a lot to me even if I was unable to come around and see you.

Please make it so that one of us came out with something to be proud of. Enclosed in this letter is the number for my family accounts, their yours Dawn and Tara's Dawn as you two have been the only family I've got left, by the time you read this my lawyer one Isabella Townsend of Townsend and Associates will have contacted you concerning details on my entire estate.

She'll set everything up no questions asked, for you and for Tara and she'll look in on you both from time to time. Tell the slayer I love her and take care nibblet William (Spike) Alexander Blake

Once finished with the small note, Spike closed it and with trepidation began to write a second letter this one to Tara.

[ Glinda, since I don't know where you are I'm hoping Dawn gives this second note to you and that you and she both understand why I've done what I've done.

Don't let red kick you while you are down Tara, her control freak problems shouldn't have to be your own as you deserve better than someone who has to control everything around her.

Like Joyce you reminded me of my mum, she was warm and caring my mother even when she started getting sick from consumption (called tuberculosis these days) same with my sister whom you also remind me of.

I'm sorry that I'm taking the same out that my father took so long ago and am leaving you and Dawn problem is that I'm tired, so very tired and all I want to do is do what I am going to do.

First though I'm making sure that you and the nibblet are taken care of and that both of you will be given something better then what you have now.

I doubt I'll see either you or Dawn or Joyce or my own family upstairs, demons don't go to heaven and suicide victims don't either because they end the life they were given.

I'm sorry for being a bloody coward about this, just can't take anymore Tara so very tired. I'll love you always like a mother/sister should be loved and I will always be thankful for the brief times we spent together, wish there had been more time spent with you.

I'll always be glad for having met you and Dawn and would never have it any other way William (Spike) Alexander Blake.

Closing the second letter Spike got up, put them in his pocket and left the crypt heading for the nearest payphone and dialed Isabella's private number and waited.

A groan and a muffled 'hello' in a Spanish voice was heard and he smiled sadly partially because he was about to give the only other friend aside from Dawn and Tara bad news, and because he had woke her up.

"Bella? 's William" he sighed "I know it's late there but I" he paused "I need a favor"…

The stake lay there next to the bottle of whiskey and Spike sighed quietly taking a task was almost done, all that was left was to call his sire and as he took another drink William the Bloody removed the mental blocks he had been using to keep Angel out.

[ 'Sire?' he asked quietly his body trembling as he sighed and when the other vampire stiffened with suspicion Spike took another drink.

'I'm sorry peaches for being such a bad childe. I'm sorry for embarrassing you all those times in front of the master and Darla. I'm sorry for everything 'cept the poker.'

A growl though Spike thought he detected a hint of concern then again that could be wishful thinking on his part. 'What do you want William? Make it quick I've got work to do.'

That was always his sire's way, direct and to the bleeding point cor what he wouldn't give to be there with him but he couldn't keep going and he knew it.

'I love you peaches, you've been a pretty good sire, and an even better friend. I tried for her you know? Tried to be good like you but she don't care' another sigh 'tell Dru I love her too.' He said with the finality of someone who felt they had lost long ago.

Angel stiffened the curiosity fading into horror as he read into Spike's words realization hitting him hard upon feeling the pain coming from his childe and the sense of loss and started to use the childe/sire bond in an attempt to make his favorite stop 'Spike this is not the way! You can come here and stay with me, I won't shut you out.'

Spike closed his eyes wishing he could honestly believe that 'take care of yourself Angel an' my baby brother ohh and go and lay claim to the cheerleader she deserves someone like you in her life.' He replied before he plunged the stake home…

Dawn could scarcely move from the small headstone her eyes rimmed with tears as were Tara's and Angel's own. Upon learning of what his childe had planned on doing the brunette vampire had rushed to Sunnydale only…to discover that it was too late.

He'd found the letters and had delivered them as his childe had wanted but did not leave instead he had stayed this time around with Cordelia at his side.

Somehow Spike had learned of how the visions were killing her and had asked Tara to help her with them to which the blond wiccan had done so with nary a complaint.

Xander had made a comment only for Angel to break his jaw and several ribs as well; such was his anger at Harris for the cruel remark made about Spike committing suicide because he couldn't get into Buffy's pants.

Willow had been shocked but upon seeing Tara had tried to go to her only to be turned down seconds before she'd left with Xander.

Giles upon finding out from Dawn had returned, though he and the vampire had not been all that close he had felt the need perhaps out of English solidarity to return and to say a few kind words for Angel's childe.

Anya too stated how she would miss Spike and had offered her own perhaps the most surprising thing for everyone else Dawn and Angel included had been upon seeing the tears in Buffy Summer's eyes.

The slayer stood there long after everyone else had gone, and had wept openly over a love she'd never given a chance to and to a man who she had never really understood.

Her guilt over learning from Angel and Giles that Spike had not been keeping the eggs that Riley claimed he had been, and that the money he wanted to give to her coming from an inheritance making more than a lingering 'd been more of a human being than she herself had been, in love with life itself and now…now he was gone because she had forcibly pushed him away.

Angel had given her the cold shoulder letting her know that he knew what she'd done and had left with Cordelia,

Dawn had decided to go through with emancipation proceedings and Giles couldn't even stand to look at her once he'd found out how thoroughly she had used Spike stating how disappointed he was in her for hurting such a good man in a way that had been reprehensible.

She wanted to blame Spike but the truth was she'd taken full advantage of his loneliness and her rejection coupled with that loneliness had been a major factor in his committing suicide.

She looked and wept tears falling as she caressed the words on the stone.'William Alexander Blake – Beloved Childe and Friend' and hugged the stone.

Spike wouldn't be coming back, he'd left in the most permanent of ways and in this case it was her fault. All he'd wanted was her love and now, now he was gone.

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust

We all grow old
And we all die
Especially when
Life crashes

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust

2nd Note: I hope everyone who reads this enjoys this fic. For me Spike has always been a fighter, stubborn and refusing to die. Yet what happens when the fighter has nothing to fight for anymore? What good is life (or unlife) without friends, loved ones and family to share it with?

Building on the premise that he would feel hurt and abandoned by someone he had feelings for I wanted him to have some shred of dignity to. In this he gives Dawn and Tara something (hope), he and Angel somewhat repair things, and the end result as we see with Buffy is the realization that turning one's back on a friend, refusing to give them the time of day and ripping out someone's heart will do a lot of damage to that person.

Night everyone and merry Christmas JMartin