Pulp

Naruto

The Third Chapter by DARCKREDD

“She passed out,” said Naruto, sourly. Hinata lay limp in his arms. He was ignored by Sakura and Sasuke, who still had their guns trained on one another.

“Why’d you do it, Sasuke?” snarled the pinkhead. “I thought-”

“Please,” said Sasuke, sarcastically. “You thought that sex would ever come between me and my work? You’re a fool, Sakura.”

Sakura made an indistinct growling noise. “You’re a monster.”

Sasuke seemed to think was hysterical. “Me? A monster? No more than you are, mi vida.”

“I feel like I walked into this movie kinda late,” said Naruto, his hand ranging beneath Hinata’s skirt.

The subway’s brakes squealed. As it slowed, Sasuke and Sakura instinctively looked towards the greater station.

Hundreds of civilians were standing on the platform.

“Wait for it…” Naruto began.

The doors slid open. The first few people saw the corpses. A great deal of screaming and general panic ensued as people trampled one another in horror. Naruto (with Hinata piggybacking) and Sasuke piled off of the mono and hurried into the crowd.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” demanded Sakura.

“Away from the crime scene?” offered Sasuke. He melted into the mob.

-

ON A TANGENTIAL NOTE

Ten years ago…

Little Lee sat on the floor, watching Shogun Assassin. He was in a suburban household on the edge of Kohona, with the sort of cookiecutter architecture so common in the modern age.

“Lee,” said his mother, quietly, “There’s someone here to see you.”

Lee turned around, his buggish eyes inflicting general horror on anyone who saw them unexpectedly .

Standing in the parlor was a man in a ninja outfit complete with headband. He had white hair that suck up in defiance of all physics. Only one of his eyes was visible beneath his black mask.

“Lee, this was Kakashi Hatake. He served with your father in the war.”

“Hello, mister,” Lee said, rotely.

Kakashi remained silent for a moment. “Hello, little man. I’ve heard a lot about you over the years,” he said, warmly. “See, I was a good friend of your father’s. He would talk about you a lot, even though you had only been a little baby when he went off to fight. We were in that Sound pit-of-hell for four years together. And while were there, he told me the story of this gold watch.” He produced said watch from his pocket. It seemed thoroughly unremarkable, and Lee did not excite himself over it. “Your granddad bought this watch at the end of the Great War, and carried it through all the battles. When he came back from the war, he gave it to your father. Unfortunately, your father’s luck wasn’t as good as your granddad’s, and he was captured by the Sounders, along with me. Since the Sounders were taking anything of value, he had to hide the watch in the only place they wouldn’t look… up his ass. He carried that watch up his ass for four years, until they executed him… and he made me vow to return that watch to you. I’ll tell you, it looked bad when they found me fishing around a dead man’s anus for a gold watch… but that’s beside the point. I carried that uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass for two years before they released me… day in, day out… and now, I give the watch to you.”

Hatake offered the watch to Lee. There was a silence.

“Did you wash it?” asked Lee.

-

MEANWHILE
The Present

“Hey,” said Naruto. “It’s been a long time since we saw Sakura.”

“Yep.”

“Are you finally gonna tell me what happened to her?”

“Naruto, there are things you’re better off not knowing.”

“I want to know what happened to Sakura.” He paused. “Right after you tell me what’s in the briefcase.”

Sasuke looked over the landscape. “Sakura, you, and me… remember the old days, Naruto? When we were just three kids, dreaming of being ninjas?”

“Yeah…”

“Man, I want those days back. I want the three of us, again, just three hoodlums being taught by a man who we could barely understand because he had a piece of cloth over his mouth. I wish none of this had happened.”

“Don’t get all depressed on me,” said Naruto, sourly. “You do that sometimes, and let me tell you, it’s pretty damn obnoxious.”

“You’re one to talk,” muttered Sasuke. “Anyway, what I’m trying to say is… I don’t want to tell you, because I don’t want your memories of those times to be soiled.”

There was a silence.

“What the fuck does that mean, Sasuke?”

There was another silence.

“Alright, Naruto. You asked for it. Do you want to know what happened to Sakura? I’ll tell you. Kakashi and I killed her.”

Naruto froze. “What?”

“Yep.”

“Why?”

“She was getting cold feet. Didn’t like where the clan was going.”

“But… you killed her?!” demanded Naruto, outraged.

“Makes you wonder where all that ‘don’t abandon your friends’ shit went,” added Sasuke, wearily. “I’d like it back.”

There was an uncomfortable silence between the two for the rest of the walk home.

-

The two returned to the headquarters. As they walked through, they caught sight of a few old friends hanging in the lobby. Kakashi and Tsunade were conspiring in a corner. Kakashi took the opportunity to wave to Naruto, but Tsunade seemed miffed.

As they entered the waiting room connected to the Hokage’s office, Sasuke spoke. “Hey, you figure they’re doing it?”

“Who?” asked Naruto.

“You know, Kakashi and Tsunade.”

“Dude, I don’t even want to think about that.”

“What? Got a crush on Kakashi?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

They both did. Naruto carefully arranged Hinata onto a chair.

The Hokage’s door opened. A young man with a bowl cut and freakish, bug-like eyes stepped out, wearing a green vest and jump suit. Naruto and Sasuke stared at him, dumbfounded.

“Remember, Lee,” the Hokage said, from inside the office. “You go down in the third round. You get me?”

“I understand, Hokage,” said Lee, formally.

“Good. Next!”

Sasuke and Naruto entered the office. It was an imposing room, with a vaulted roof and elaborate gothic architecture. The boys could not help but shiver whenever they entered. The Hokage sat behind his steel desk, hands folded in front of his face. He stared from behind orange sunglasses, concealing his eyes.

“Umm… hello sir,” opened Naruto. Sasuke raised the briefcase. “We got it.”

“I see that.”

“Umm… if you’re wondering about the commotion…” began Naruto.

“Commotion?” asked the Hokage. “Is that what you kids call it?”

“Now, let us explain-”

“Give me the briefcase,” said the Hokage, his voice icy.

Sasuke crossed the long hall, shoes clicking on the metal floor. Sasuke stopped in front of the desk, looking down on the elderly Hokage. Slowly, he placed the briefcase on the desk. For a few moments, he and the Hokage stared at each other. Then, Sasuke turned and walked away.

As he and Naruto left the office, Naruto turned on him. “And just what the hell was that about?”

“I dunno,” said Sasuke. “Something felt weird about him.”

“Felt- felt weird?!” Naruto spluttered. “He’s the Hokage! You don’t get into staring matches with the goddamn Hokage! It’s just not done! What is up with you?” They walked through the waiting room, down the spiral staircase that led the lobby.

“You know how you see one of those crazy robots that look so real that they look fake?”

“Huh?”

“It was like that.”

“Are you saying the Hokage is a terminator? Because if you are, I know you are officially crazy, man. If we had fucking ninja terminators, we would rule the world!”

“Naruto, you’re an idiot.”

They reached the main building again. The clan’s headquarters was a two-story building, filled with ninjas going about their daily business.”

“What now?” asked Naruto.

“I dunno, want to grab a bite to eat?”

“Sure.”

They descended the escalator. As they passed the ramen bar, Naruto suddenly broke in, “What do they call ramen in the Land of Water?”

“Ramen, you idiot. You’ve been there.”

“Well, what do they call the udon noodles?”

“Royale with cheese.”

“Wait, what?”

They got off the escalator and walked towards the ramen bar. When Naruto turned up empty pockets, Sasuke paid.

As they slurped ramen and talked over the events of the day, a silent presence crawled up on them. It was an almost undetectable fog, slowly crawling forward. It advanced on the two ninjas, with malice in its heart…

“Hey Kakashi,” said Sasuke, through a mouthful of noodles.

The mist took the form of a tall, grey-haired man, with most of his face concealed by a black cloth.

“Sasuke, Naruto,” he said, formally. He took a seat beside Sasuke.

“How’re you?” asked Naruto, between slurps of ramen.

“I need to talk to you kids,” said Kakashi.

“Huh? Why?”

“It’s important. We can’t discuss it here.”

“Well,” said Naruto, loudly, “It obviously isn’t drugs, prostitution, illegal jutsus, or weapons, since we would discuss those here. So-”

“Keep your voice down,” snapped Kakashi. He took a few moments to recover himself. “It’s to do with the Hokage. There’s something going on.”

“I told you,” said Sasuke, to Naruto.

“I wish you to attend a meeting tomorrow night. Just… a meeting among friends.”

Sasuke and Naruto looked at each other and shrugged.

“Fine,” they said in unison. Kakashi pushed a note towards them, listing a time and a place, and then vanished, as ninjas are wont to do.

“You know,” said Naruto, matter of factly, “I can’t shake the feeling that I forgot something.”

“You have your keys?”

Naruto hunted through his pockets. “Yeah.

“Wallet?”

“Yeah.”

“Dunno what it could be.”

-

Hinata wandered down the spiral steps. “G- guys?” she called. Her voice echoed, sorrowfully.