|The Rod SquadIn Color!
Author: The Enduring Man-Child PM
An old Seventies parody in script form which I wrote under the name of DB Cooper. Perhaps the silliest thing I've ever written. Don't expect too much. No relation to There Is No Rod.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 2,484 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 12-25-07 - Status: Complete - id: 3968401
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The Rod Squad--In Color!
by DB Cooper
("The Enduring Man-Child")
All standard disclaimers apply.
MUSIC--Typical Seventies chukka-chukka-chukka-chukka. CHIP is enjoying a day at the beach, surfing on his tie. Suddenly he sees GADGET on the beach, wearing her bell-bottom coveralls and platform shoes. Chip returns to the beach at once.
CHIP: Hey doll. What's up? Why don't you take those things off for a change and get a tan?
GADGET: I'm afraid not. And you're going to have to dry that tie out and put it on. Monterey Jack has called with an important case.
CHIP: What a hassle, man!
In the office Chip and Gadget stand before Monty and Zipper, who are seated at a desk.
MONTY: So, mates, where's the rest of you?
CHIP: We don't need him. He's always HASSLIN' me, man!
GADGET: Now Chip, you know that Dale's got an important and dangerous job infiltrating the drug culture. He puts his life on the line every day.
CHIP: Well I still say the two of us can tackle any job alone. Which reminds me . . . I have two tickets to the England Dan and John Ford Coley concert next week. Wanna come?
DALE'S VOICE: RIGHT ON!
Cut to Dale, who is wearing a Funky outfit and a large Afro.
DALE: Stop HASSLIN' her, man! She don't wanna go see no England Jim and John Wilkes Booth with you! She's comin' with me to see George Clinton and P-Funk! Ain't that right, Baby?
GADGET:Sigh Heel, boys. We've got work to do!
MONTY: She's right, Mates. And you'd all better get along and stop HASSLIN' each other, cuz this case is gonna require the skills of every one of ya!
CHIP Very mellow: So, like, what IS this case, my man?
MONTY: Boys, it's a revolt against civilization. I got a phone call earlier today from Charley O. Finley . . .
DALE: THE OWNER OF THE OAKLAND A's, THE HOTTEST TEAM IN BASEBALL??? Boy, can those guys GET DOWN!!!
MONTY: Yeah, well I'm afraid Charley O's got a lot more on his mind than when to put Rollie Fingers in to finish a game. He's received an anonymous threat by The Enemies Of All That Is Good to make his next game the scene of a violent anti-disco riot!!!
ALL In horror: NO!!!!!
MONTY: And just think . . . Benji's scheduled to be there to sign autographs!!!
CHIP: This HAS to be stopped! What do we do?
MONTY: I'm afraid it's up to you dudes to find out who's behind this and stop 'em. We police haven't a clue about who this is! So, get in your Dune Buggy and boogie on down to the Oakland Colosseum!
GADGET: We're boogieing (sp?), Daddy! Come on, guys!
Dale gives the Chipmunk Power salute as they leave.
Chip, Dale, and Gadget are now boogeying [sp? down the street as the music of "Frampton Comes Alive" comes from the car radio.
CHIP:Impatiently: You know, boogeying down town wouldn't be such a hassle if it weren't for this traffic!
DALE: Right on, man! It's a hassle all right!
GADGET: But what can you expect when that Mormon film company is in town to make one of their independent family-oriented bigfoot pseudodocumentaries?
CHIP & DALE drooling: M a r i e!!!
GADGET: So much for ME being special!!!
In the Charley O. Finley's front office. Charley O. is seated behind his desk nervously fingering orange baseballs. The Rod Squad are on the table before him.
CHIP: So you have no idea who it was who called and made the threat?
CHARLEY O.: Of course not. Do I look like some sort of flamboyant owner-manager with enemies? Sheesh, I don't have my phone tapped. But it is strange how the call came directly to my desk without being screened by my secretary. Lowering voice It's almost . . . A HASSLE!!!
DALEGiving chipmunk power salute: Right on, man!
CHIP: So how do you expect US to figure out who it was from scratch???!!!
CHARLEY O.: Mr. Baretta, you're the most savvy and experienced detective in the country today. You saved President Ford's life.
CHIP: Yes, I did replace the bullets in Sarah Jane's gun with acorns, but I went to school with both her and Squeaky. I knew after one tried the other would follow. My plan seemed appropriate. She was nuts.
CHARLEY O.: For doing what you did I can almost forgive you for discovering that burglary in the Watergate Office Complex. I've put all my faith in you, Rod Squad. I can tell you this much. During the call I heard the sounds of the gritty life of the inner city. So why don't you dudes climb in your buggy and boogey down that way before somebody rips it off?
GADGET: Yeah, I know. Ripoffs are such a HASSLE!
CHARLEY O: Then I suggest you three get going before this recession turns into a MALAISE!
Outside. The Squad approaches their boogeying buggy and talk in low voices.
CHIP: Why would anyone in the gritty inner city stage an anti-disco riot? I can understand maybe fans of Foghat, but this is such a HASSLE to figure out!
GADGET: Hmmm. Dale, you mix with the residents of the gritty inner city. Aside from a political alliance with the advocates of unspoiled virgin wilderness, have you picked up on anything strange?
DALE: No, but I know someone who might know. The grooviest far-out chick in the gritty inner city. The chick who's protecting the people from HASSLES and RIP-OFFS by the MAN (when she isn't passing out tracts for the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society). Whenever there's trouble or exploitation in the inner city, the People cry out with one voice: GET FOXY GLOVE!
CHIP: Let's go check out this far-out chick of yours, Dale my man!
They give each other ten and commence boogeying to the music of Seals and Croft on the radio. Hey! It could have been Hamilton, Joe Frank, and Reynold, so no griping!
Close-up of the face of Foxy Glove, super sister. She is wearing an even bigger Afro than Dale's and is comforting someone with much heart and feeling.
FOXY: Like, I know what's goin' on in your heart, Sister! I know what it's like to live in one of these slums while Charley O. Finley is drinkin' champagne and defiling the fine traditions of Major League Baseball! But it's gonna CHANGE one day, Sister! One day . . . one bright day . . . these inventor dudes are gonna come up with some sort of little wire that goes right into your TV set! And you won't need a antenna! And all your channels will come in equally clear, regardless of the weather conditions or distance! And best of all, it's gonna all be FREE!
We now see she is talking to a young female squirrel.
TAMMY: Will that really happen, Foxy Glove? You're bein' straight with me, right? You're not snowin' me, are yuh?
FOXY: Sister, I would never do that! GIMME FIVE!
TAMMY: RIGHT ON!
TAMMY gives her five and skips merrily on her way.
FOXY: Poor kid. No ABC Movie of the Week. And tonight Roy Thinnes plays the Devil!
Enter the boogeyin' buggy of the Rod Squad, which has made it into the gritty inner city with a minimum of HASSLES. DALE jumps out and greets her with a high five.
DALE: Gimme five, Sister!
FOXY: Right on!
They jive briefly to the sound of the Average White Band on the car radio.
FOXY: So what hassle or ripoff has brought you into the gritty inner city, my main man?
DALE: Mama, Charley O. Finley's received a threat of an anti-disco riot at the next game, and the only clue he could give us was that the sounds of the gritty inner city were in the background of the offendin' call!
FOXY: And he actually believe my people of the gritty inner city would be behind such a thing? That's a RIPOFF, man! What a hassle!
DALE: So you can't like, give us any hints, baby?
FOXY: Not a one. Besides, the call was probably made from a pay phone. It's not like someone can carry one of those things in his POCKET!
CHIP bonks himself.
CHIP: Now why didn't I think of that?
FOXY: Anyway, I've gotta get back on the beat and protect the people of the gritty inner city from con jobs and ripoffs! Those things are such HASSLES!
DALE: In a very low and funky voice Thanks, baby! You and I'll have to get it together some time and play a little of LOVE'S theme!
FOXY: Oh, I just ADORE Barry White. He's so far out!
DALE: Catch you later, Babe! Keep the faith!
FOXY: That reminds me. Before you go, would you please consider accepting some of our free magazines? And remember, voting's not only un-cool . . . it's such a HASSLE!
The Rod Squad reluctantly begin boogeyin' back to headquarters. They are non-plussed.
GADGET: What are we gonna do, dudes?
CHIP: I hate to say it, but we'll have to get to the Colosseum tomorrow and be try to head the trouble of before it starts!
GADGET AND DALE: THAT'S SUCH A HASSLE, MAN!!!
The next day at the Oakland-Alameda County Colosseum. The three far out dudes are stationed in the stands keeping a steady watch on the crowd with binoculars.
GADGET: Well Chip, we've been here since three hours before game time, and it's the top of the seventh! I'm beginning to think the whole thing was just a prank!
CHIP: Oh yeah? Well, they may wait until the game is over, but I have a hunch the Seventh Inning Stretch is the appointed time! Get ready, guys!
As ROLLIE FINGERS strikes out the third man in the top of the seventh, GADGET sees suspicious behavior behind the As' mascot, Charley O.
GADGET: Chip! Look!
CHIP and DALE now see a group of seedy looking rustics loading some precious-looking vinyl and eight-track albums into a crude cannon, which they are stuffing with gunpowder.
CHIP speaks to CHARLEY O. FINLEY on his CB radio.
CHIP: NOW, MR. FINLEY! NOW!!!
An alarm sounds, and the voice of FINLEY is heard over the loudspeakers.
FINLEY: EVERYONE DOWN IN THE AISLES! NOW!!!
THE ENTIRE CROWD: Like, what a HASSLE, man!
The Rod Squad jump into their buggy and boogey to the scene of the crime in slow motion as Chip fires blanks at someone.
CHIP: DON'T LIGHT THAT FUSE! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!
Insert favorite Burt Reynolds reference here.
MANobviously the head of the group: Shoot. What a hassle.
GADGET: Why . . . why, I can't believe it! You're THE WILDERNESS FAMILY!
CHIP: Why were you planning this thing?
MAN: Well, we were afraid that the cresting tide of disco would obscure and ultimately end the careers of John Denver and Gordon Lightfoot.
CHIP: How could you ever think of such a thing? Don't you know that ALL music is what makes our world so beautiful? There is no rivalry between Hot Chocolate and Ronnie Milsap, between C.W. McCall and Rick James, or between John Denver and Bachman Turner Overdrive! ALL of them together make this particular period in history the absolute pinnacle of all cultural history!
Insert commercials for "Frogs," "Night of the Lepus," and "Grand Theft Auto."
BOY: Is this on the level?
CHIP: It's on the level!
GADGET: But you still have to pay for your crime. But considering your motives, I believe five to ten years at the car wash should be enough.
WIFE: Well, it's going to be hard, but I guess we really must pay our debt to society. Besides, I hear there are lots of supporters of our virgin wilderness in the gritty inner city.
CHIP: That's right! Look on the bright side and the time will fly! They're all yours, Mr. Kojak!
KOJAK leads them away.
DALE: Aw, man!
GADGET: What's the problem, Dale?
DALE: I didn't even get to use any of my kung fu! Man, what a HASSLE!
- - - - -
Night, about a week later. MONTY and ZIPPER are at their desk. CHIP enters dressed to the nines in his best polyester.
MONTY: So, you think you'll be the lucky lad to take our lass to the dance, eh?
CHIP: Right on! I mean, I know her, and she's far out enough to really dig England Dan and John Ford Coley.
Enter DALE also dressed, but in a much more informal suit of duds.
CHIP: And just WHAT are you doing here dressed like that?
DALE: I'm takin' my chick Gadget out to GIT DOWN to the funky groove of George Clinton and P-Funk, remember?
CHIP: Gadget doesn't like that kind of stuff! She's going with ME!
DALE: Like, you wish, man!
The boys are snapped out of their impending fight by the sound of the door opening. It is Gadget, wearing her most beautiful polyester bell bottoms, mood ring, smiley face, and platform shoes (which she mounted by means of a crane of her own invention).
CHIP AND DALE: G a d g e t!!!
GADGET: What's shakin', boys? I believe my favorite guy is taking me out tonight to boogey down with my bad self!
Both almost swoon as she approaches them. She looks at one, then the other, as each in turn shows expectant hope and utter despair. Finally she speaks.
GADGET: Ready to go . . . ZIPPER?
All except Monty react in complete surprise. ZIPPER suavely approaches GADGET and begins to escort her to the door. He opens it for her and then turns for one more trimphant look at his rivals before reaching into his threads to bring out two tickets.
ZIPPER and GADGET exit, closing the door behind them.
MONTY: Well, let that be a lesson to ya, boy-os! Sometimes it takes more than good looks and groovin' music to win the heart of a sheila!
CHIP and DALE look at each other and begin to smile, much to MONTY's astonishment.
CHIP: Next Sunday . . . !
DALE: At the arena . . . !
BOTH AT ONCE: MEAT LOAF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Being bionic,they exit through the wall. The camera zooms in on Monty for the last shot.
MONTY: Blimey! What a hassle!