Author's Note: Sorry this one took so long, I wanted to update my severely neglected LOTR fic before I put this chapter up. But here it is finally! Many thanks to my beta crackferret for all her help on this one. Hope you enjoy!

Interlude II
“Blurred Boundaries”
Argos Rho, en route to Hydra system.

“Lieutenant? Lieutenant Alenko, you awake?”

Kaidan jolted back to consciousness, sitting straight up in his chair and looking around the mess groggily. “Huh? What?”

“It’s Joker,” came the voice again, and it took Kaidan a moment to realize the pilot was speaking through the intercom. “We’re on approach to the next relay, ETA three minutes. You wanna come up here and help or would you prefer your beauty sleep at the mess table?”

The lieutenant blinked hard and rubbed his hands over his face, attempting to chase away his disorientation. He squinted at the nearest clock and frowned at the time. His shift had ended an hour ago, but he’d stayed in the mess in hopes of catching Shepard the next time she emerged from her room. Apparently he’d fallen asleep instead. Alenko’s gaze drifted automatically toward Shepard’s door. She never came out? Or she came out and had nothing to say to me? He ignored the inkling of dread that thought caused and stood from his seat. “I’m coming,” he said to Joker, and with a last long look at Shepard’s quarters, made his way slowly toward the stairs.

“Everything okay?” the pilot asked as Kaidan stepped into the cockpit and took his seat.

“What do you mean?”

Joker shrugged. “I dunno. I just didn’t expect to find you sitting in the mess. At least not sitting in the mess alone.”

Kaidan didn’t really want to talk about it. Besides, Shepard had made it clear several times she didn’t like gossip aboard her ship. It would be better to say nothing until he knew what was really going on himself. “Did you tell the Commander we’re coming up on the next relay?” he asked instead.

Joker peered at the lieutenant for a second, but then sighed and keyed the intercom for Shepard’s quarters. “Bridge to Commander Shepard,” he said, and Kaidan thought he heard a note of irritation in the other man’s voice.

“Go ahead, Joker,” she answered finally. She sounded so tired… another pang of guilt shot through Kaidan’s chest. I should have just let her sleep. But once she had invited him to stay, he’d found it impossible to leave. The sight of her sitting there in the dark, her features softly lit by the doorway’s illumination… it was all he could do to refrain from picking up where they’d left off at her locker and focus instead on the problem at hand.

“Just letting you know we’re on approach to the Strenuus system’s relay,” Joker continued. “ETA one and half minutes.”

“Proceed on the pre-planned course,” Shepard said. “And keep me updated.”

“You’re not coming to watch the fireworks?” Joker was disappointed. He welcomed any chance to show off his piloting skills. Especially when it came to the accuracy of his mass effect jumps.

“Sorry, Joker. Maybe next time. Shepard out.”

The intercom clicked off into silence. Kaidan concentrated on readying the Normandy’s systems for the jump while Joker brought the ship around on approach. The rings of the relay ahead began to accelerate as they neared, going faster and faster, until the mass effect field enveloped them. A bright flash of light burst through the cockpit, and then the Argos Rho cluster stretched before them.

Joker checked the navigation readings and nodded in satisfaction. “Right on target. As expected.”

Kaidan made no reply, setting a course for the Hydra system.

But the pilot couldn’t take the quiet for long. “Okay seriously, Alenko. What the hell happened?”

The lieutenant glanced over to the other man. “Nothing happened.”

Joker rolled his eyes, his hands still moving over the Normandy’s controls even as he spoke. “Yeah. Right. The Commander doesn’t come up to watch the jump – she always comes up to watch the jumps. She didn’t sound like her usual self, either. To tell you the truth, neither of you do. Sorry, Lieutenant, but something happened in the past nine hours… and you might as well tell me because I’ll find out anyway.”

“How?” Kaidan demanded churlishly. “By spying on us again?”

“You see?” Joker asked, shaking his head. “Something definitely happened, because you’re being an ass.”

Alenko looked back to the bulkhead in front of him, knowing the pilot was right. This is why we never should have entertained our infatuation. And now it’s too late to turn back. No matter what Shepard decides, I’ll still feel the same for her. “I’m sorry,” he said aloud. “I didn’t mean that.”

“There’s no observation cameras in the Commander’s quarters, anyway,” Joker muttered, and Kaidan knew the off-hand comment was the pilot’s way of showing he’d taken no real offense.

An awkward silence fell over them anyway and the lieutenant shifted in his chair, wanting to smooth things over but not really sure how.

Luckily for him, Joker spoke first. “You mind taking over for a bit?”

Kaidan frowned at the question, looking over to see the pilot reaching for his crutches. “Where are you going?”

“You say it like I’m not allowed to leave the cockpit.”

“No… I meant… it’s just – well, you usually don’t.”

Joker shrugged. “Not usually a reason to.”

“But now there’s a reason?”

“Just cuz I’m a cripple doesn’t mean I like to spend all day in a chair, Alenko.” The pilot leveraged himself out of his seat and put the crutches under his arms. “I’ll be back in an hour.” Before Kaidan could utter another word of protest the man turned and hobbled off down the corridor.

The lieutenant turned back to the view-screen and sighed, settling himself in for yet another hour of waiting. He glanced to the camera monitors and noted the one angled the most toward Shepard’s door – only to see it open and the commander step out. A strangled cry of surprise and frustration escaped Kaidan as he watched her move toward the very mess table he had vacated just moments before. Had she known he was just there? Was she trying to find him? Or had she waited for him to leave on purpose? Was she trying to avoid him?

The questions burned through Kaidan’s mind and he rose halfway to his feet before he remembered Joker had left. The lieutenant reluctantly resumed his seat, swearing under his breath. The Normandy might have been an extremely advanced warship, but protocol still required a sufficiently trained officer be present at the console at all times in order to keep an eye on vital systems… not to mention provide evasive maneuvers should anything unexpected show up from the black of space. As long as Joker remained absent, Kaidan couldn’t go anywhere. Unless of course Navigator Pressly happened to show up, and that was unlikely. Kaidan briefly considered calling the man up to the cockpit, but rejected the idea just as quickly.

No, there’s no reason to do anything rash, the lieutenant told himself, trying hard to quell the restlessness rising in his chest. When she makes her decision she’ll find me. I just have to be patient and wait. Give her time. He swallowed hard and forced his gaze away from the mess hall monitors. He checked the navigation readouts and his heart beat harder at the realization every passing minute brought them closer and closer to Ilos… closer and closer to Saren and Sovereign… closer and closer to an enemy more dangerous than any of them had imagined. If Shepard didn’t tell him something by the time they reached the Mu relay, he would have to say something himself. He couldn’t watch her walk away into that kind of peril without telling her exactly what he felt for her. If anything happened to her on Ilos – or to him – then at least he wanted the peace of knowing he’d said everything he needed to say.

Kaidan sighed heavily, his eyes involuntarily wandering over to the camera monitors again. He did a double-take as he noticed Joker approaching the table Shepard now occupied and leaned forward in his chair, hissing another string of curse words through his teeth.

On impulse he reached for the button that would activate the mess intercom - at least that way he could find out what they were talking about – but at the last second he hesitated. You’re doing it again, Alenko. Stop it. There’s no reason for you to be jealous. You shouldn’t have even let yourself fall this hard for her, anyway. And you have no right to listen to their conversation. For damn sure you wouldn’t want anyone eavesdropping on your conversations with Shepard. But that thought just made him more tempted to hit the button.

No. I’m not going to do it. Why make this any more painful than it already is? Kaidan closed his eyes, turning away from the screens resolutely. Just fly the damn ship. He took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and opened his eyes to focus on the flight controls. Somehow the lieutenant managed not to look at the camera feeds for the rest of the very, very long hour.

“Is the food really that bad?”

Elizabeth startled, dropping her fork into her plate – though she hadn’t been eating the food on it anyway, and looked up to see Joker hobbling toward her on his crutches. “Joker,” she blurted, failing to conceal her surprise at seeing him outside the cockpit. “What – I mean, it’s nice to see you down here for once.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” the man said good-naturedly, maneuvering over to the rations cabinet and making himself a plate. “I don’t think the crew even recognizes me unless I’m in the pilot’s chair. But last I checked I’m still human, so I still gotta eat.”

“You eat in the mess?” Elizabeth asked skeptically. “Because I’ve never seen you here before, and I pass by here a lot.”

Joker looked slightly sheepish as he brought his food over to the table. “Er, well… I usually take my tray back with me, or have someone bring it to me. It’s kinda tricky carrying a plate of food while using crutches, after all.” He nodded toward the chair across from her. “Mind if I join you?”

Shepard shook her head. “Of course not. But why the special occasion?”

The pilot eased himself into the seat and propped his crutches against the edge of the table, then looked at her with raised eyebrows. “What, you mean my staying here to eat?”

“Yeah.”

Joker shrugged. “I got Alenko watching the Normandy for me. And… well, I was kinda hoping we could talk.”

It was Elizabeth’s turn to raise her eyebrows. “Talk? About what? I already told you I’m not putting the Normandy through those crazy maneuvers –“

“No, no,” Joker interrupted, waving her words away. “It’s not about the ship this time.”

“Wow. Really?” She hardly believed it. “All right then, let’s hear it.”

“The lieutenant told you about the crew knowing, didn’t he?”

The question took Elizabeth completely off-guard and she shifted in her chair, attempting to hide the sudden blush that bloomed across her face. It can’t be any more obvious now, she thought sourly. Sure enough, the pilot picked up on her reaction and didn’t even wait for a verbal confirmation.

“Of course he did.” Joker rolled his eyes and picked up his fork, stabbing at his dinner. “You know I never really meant for him to tell you.” His brown-eyed gaze came up to her again abruptly, as if suddenly afraid of how she might interpret that statement. “I mean… look, if any of us had a problem with you and the lieutenant someone would have said something by now.”

Elizabeth’s blush was growing hotter and she wished it would go away. Well, I wanted to know the crew’s real feelings, she tried to tell herself, and yet the reality of such a thing proved to be far more awkward than she’d first imagined. “It’s probably better that I know,” she finally said quietly.

Joker grunted. “No it’s not.” Shepard stared at him, and he added uncertainly, “Er… permission to speak freely, Commander?”

“Since when have you ever asked permission to speak freely?”

The pilot gave a nod. “True. But you had that look on your face for a second there.”

Now Elizabeth frowned. “What look?”

“The one that says you’re about to kick somebody’s ass. I feel I should warn you though – with my bum legs I wouldn’t be much of a challenge.”

She had to suppress the smile. “Joker, I wouldn’t have you any other way.”

“Good.” He seemed to relax again. “In that case… it’s not better that you know about the crew, because both you and Alenko like to walk the straight and narrow to the extreme. Your career records are spotless, exemplary. You two don’t make mistakes. You follow the rules to the letter. The mission – whatever it is – is always first and foremost. You put your own needs last in every situation. Why do you think you’re the first human Spectre, Shepard? Because you’re literally an example of humanity at its most selfless and perfect. And Lieutenant Alenko? If he hadn’t been so shy about using his biotic powers early in his career – and maybe if he wasn’t plagued by migraines – he probably would’ve made it on the Council’s list of potential Spectres as well.”

Elizabeth sat back in her chair, considering Joker’s words. But she still wasn’t quite sure where he was going with this. “Yes, probably,” she agreed at last. “But what’s your point?”

“My point is,” the man continued carefully, “the way you two are, the minute you suspect you might have crossed a line you go into ‘super-goody-two-shoes’ mode or something and then won’t even look at each other for days.”

Elizabeth’s frown deepened, her mind flashing back to the aftermath of Virmire and even to the course of the last few hours. Have I been avoiding Kaidan? Despite telling the lieutenant she didn’t want them to ignore each other, she had been awfully careful not to run into him lately. At least, not until she had made some kind of decision about how they should go about their… relationship. How the hell does Joker know all this? she wondered, but then remembered the observation cameras. Maybe he does spy on us after all…

Shepard roused herself from her thoughts and straightened her posture, clasping her hands together neatly on the table in front of her. “Joker,” she began, “the mission we’re on requires me to –“

“See, you’re doing it again!” the pilot interrupted, throwing up his hands. “Always about the mission! Commander, don’t you ever want anything for yourself?”

Elizabeth blinked at his question and actually found herself thinking about it. The truth was, for most of her life the answer would have been ‘no’. Ever since that night on Mindoir when the slavers had wiped out everything she cared about in mere hours, she’d had no desire to want anything for herself again – for fear that it, too, no matter what it was, might someday be yanked away from her. The two years leading up to her eighteenth birthday were consumed by her preparations to join the Alliance military. And her thirteen years of service had simply been about work, training, missions, and assignments. Nothing more. She did her job, she did it well, and she took care of her people.

She was often praised for her skill and professionalism, and had climbed the ranks quickly. But none of it had been anything she’d planned or expected. She never actually took the time to think about what might lie ahead in her future, or what she really wanted from life. Of course there were certain values and ideas that were important to her, and she lived according to those beliefs. She still allowed people who had served under her in the past to become close to her – within regulations - and she felt connected to many of them as a fellow soldier and friend. It pained her deeply to see any of them killed in action, but always there was the underlying voice of reason that helped quell her grief: They died doing their duty. They did not die in vain. I did everything I possibly could to protect them. There were only two exceptions to this in Elizabeth Shepard’s whole military career. The incident on Akuze, in which she had been personally responsible for the lives of fifty marines who died needlessly despite her best efforts, and…

Kaidan Alenko. Who makes me think about my future, my safety, my wants. Who makes me selfish.

Elizabeth sighed heavily, not sure how to answer Joker’s query. The issue was a private matter she’d struggled with since the initial realization of how much the lieutenant really meant to her on Virmire, and she didn’t feel ready to share it yet.

Joker sensed her hesitation and pushed his plate of food away. “Commander,” he said, glancing around the mess to be sure it was empty before continuing, “there’s, uh… there’s something I think I should tell you…”

The way he said it worried her. This was the first time she’d gotten a chance to really talk to Joker and already he’d shocked her into silence more than once. She hardly dared guess what might come next. “Yes?” Elizabeth hoped the trepidation hanging in her stomach had not made it into her voice.

Joker took off his cap and ran his hands through his hair. He drew a deep breath, his eyes dropping to the table. “I wasn’t going to say anything. But under the circumstances, well…” He shook his head, clearing his throat. “Chief Williams and I... we… we, uh… well let’s just say we were becoming more than just friends.”

Shepard stiffened at the admission, realizing it explained much of Joker’s behavior since Virmire and ashamed of the fact she had not recognized such a thing for what it was before now. Then came the horrible thought that her own fraternization with Lieutenant Alenko had been what encouraged Ashley and Joker to begin blurring regulation boundaries in the first place.

And now Ashley is dead. Elizabeth felt her throat tighten. “Jeff,” she said quietly, using the pilot’s real name for the first time since meeting him. But he interrupted before she could go on.

“I’m not trying to make you feel guilty,” he blurted. “I know what happened on Virmire and I know how you operate. Ashley knew what she was doing… what she was getting into. I don’t blame you for anything. There was nothing you could have done for Ashley, Commander. And there’s nothing you can do for me, either. But we’re getting closer to Ilos, closer to Saren… closer to the end of this fight, I guess is what I’m trying to say. At least that’s how it feels. And with the way you and Alenko are… I just don’t want either of you to end up like me.” The man lifted his eyes to meet hers, and in their depths Shepard saw the same kind of anguish that had gripped her on Virmire when she’d first heard Kaidan’s panicked transmission.

“Commander, I never told Ashley how much she meant to me,” he choked out. “And I’ve regretted that every minute since we left Virmire. I always knew there was a chance one or some of the team might not return every time you took them off the Normandy… but I never thought… I guess I just took her for granted. And now she’s gone.”

This was one of the very rare occasions when Elizabeth Shepard had no idea what to do. Her heart went out to Joker and she wanted to comfort him somehow – God knew she identified with him. The thought of losing Kaidan in such a way roused a frightening level of desperation within her. And yet Joker had hidden his grief well… she wondered if anyone else knew about his and Ashley’s relationship.

“I’m so sorry, Jeff.” She had no idea what else to say. No idea how else to react. Her mind still struggled to accept this had all happened right under her nose without her even noticing.

“I know you and Alenko are sticklers for following the regs,” Joker said quietly, “but this is no ordinary mission we’re on, Commander. This is no ordinary crew. And anyway, speaking from experience, I’d take a court-martial over what I’m feeling any day.” He ran his hands over his face and sighed heavily, then shoved his cap back on his head. “There, I said it. That’s my two cents. And you know, I’m not even hungry.” He picked up his crutches from where they leaned against the table and stood. “I’d better get back to the bridge. Thanks for the talk, Commander.”

Elizabeth opened her mouth, but Joker had already turned his back and began hobbling his way toward the stairs. She stared after him, almost calling him back to the table. She wanted to talk to him more about Ashley… more about their relationship, more about how he was holding up. But another part of her knew he still needed space, and time… and that he’d come to talk to her mostly for her benefit – not his own.

She watched the man start up the stairs on his crutches and shook her head, developing a whole new appreciation for the strength of his character. She made a mental note to pull him aside later on and find out what was really going on inside his head.

But for now, she needed to figure out what the hell was going on inside her own. She needed to think. Elizabeth looked back down her plate of food and sighed. I guess I’m not really hungry, either. She picked up the two abandoned dishes and dumped the edible remains, shoved the empty plates into the automatic washer, and went back to the solitude of her quarters.