|Don't look back
Author: AngelofDarkness1605 PM
When Bellatrix Lestrange kills Sirius, Harry wants to hurt her as much as he can. She doesn’t seem to feel pain, and there is for him only one other way to punish her for what she has done. But is she really the mad and cruel woman he believes her to be?Rated: Fiction M - English - Romance/Angst - Harry P. & Bellatrix L. - Chapters: 6 - Words: 27,682 - Reviews: 121 - Favs: 145 - Follows: 265 - Updated: 01-03-09 - Published: 12-29-07 - id: 3976780
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for some plot lines.
Warning: if you don't want to read about rape, this is the moment to return to the previous page.
Harry watched dumbfounded how the dead body of Sirius fell behind the veil in the Death Chamber in the Department of Mysteries. The sadness and anger exploded within him. He wanted to revenge the one responsible in the most horrible way. Lupin tried to stop him, but when Harry saw Bellatrix Lestrange laughing wickedly at the other part of the Chamber, he broke free and ran in her direction. She hurried away, but he was faster.
"Crucio!" he shouted before she could disappear around the corner. She fell down, but the curse didn't do her much harm.
"You need to mean them, Potter!" she said, a twisted look in her eyes. "You need to really want to cause pain, to enjoy it. Righteous anger won't hurt me for long. I'll show you how it is done, shall I? I'll give you a lesson…"
"Expelliarmus," he yelled before she could kill him; he caught her wand and threw it far away from them.
"CRUCIO!" he shouted.
The spell was more effective now, but it still didn't cause her as much pain as Harry wanted her to feel. She was laughing at him, and it made him so incredible angry he couldn't punish the woman who was the cause of his godfathers death, that something inside him snapped. Somehow the boy in him vanished; it was replaced by a man who understood that there was only one way to hurt the woman who apparently didn't mind pain: take her dignity.
Not realizing exactly what he was doing, he threw his wand away, and pushed her flat on the ground, surprising her so much she realized too late what was happening and was unable to escape. Yet she struggled, but physically he was stronger than she was. He shove her skirt upwards, tore her knickers from her body and unzipped his trousers within a few seconds. He positioned himself above her and entered her with one powerful trust.
He groaned when she screamed and fought him, knowing finally that he could hurt her. He covered her mouth with his hand to make sure they wouldn't be heard.
"This is what it feels like when you hurt someone, you bitch," he hissed.
He pumped into her as fast as he could, aroused by her tightness and frantic struggle to escape. He bit her shoulders and breasts through the fabric of her clothing. That wasn't satisfying enough; he tore her dress, exposing her breasts, and bit her nipples. He tasted blood, but didn't know where it came from. All he felt was the anger within him that made him act like an animal.
She bit in his fingers, forcing him to withdraw his hand from her mouth. She managed to shriek again, but to his immense surprise she screamed in ecstasy instead of pain. When he dug his bleeding fingers in the soft flesh of her breasts, she pushed himself more into his touch. She even began to move with him. The sweat dripped from her body and there was an expression of pleasure on her face.
His mind lost the last control over his body now the pressure in him became almost unbearable. She helped him change his position, so he could penetrate her from a different angle and bury himself even deeper in her.
They groaned in unison. She tightened once more, and seconds later she found her release. Her wetness and the extra friction made him shudder. He pulled out almost completely, and entered her again so hard any other woman would've beg for mercy: all what Bella did was moaning in pleasure. It drove him over the edge. A few thrusts more, and he climaxed. It was like his body and mind exploded and would never be the same again. Everything around him faded away, all the feelings of hate he had, and all what remained was the body of Bellatrix beneath him.
He collapsed on top of her, and remained laying there to catch his breath.
Only when he could move again, minutes later, he realized what he had done. He had lost his virginity to rape woman who was so brainwashed by Voldemort that she had killed her own cousin.
Horrified he got off her and put on his trousers. Bellatrix remained lying on the floor, her eyes following his movements, not trying to hide her nudity or to run away. He spotted blood between her legs. The guilt hit him like a Cruciatus curse, and made him forget about Sirius.
"I am so sorry…" he muttered to her. "I shouldn't have…"
She did the most shocking thing that she could've done. She smiled.
"Don't be sorry for what you've done. I want to thank you."
"Yeah. That was the best shag in my life."
She looked up at him, not embarrassed at all.
"You treated me badly, but not as badly as others. Believe me. And you regret it. You're the first person who ever feels sorry for me."
"I am… what?!"
"I don't expect you to understand. All I want is... well, I want to ask… Will you stay with me a little longer?"
"Would you want me to?" he finally managed to say.
"Yes," she said.
He had expected anything, except for this. He looked around: there was no one except for them. If she would feel better if he stayed a while, if the guilt would ease…
A bit reluctant and uncertain he sat down next to her.
"Don't be sorry for what you did," she said again. "I know how guilt can kill you mentally. Believe it or not, I experienced it myself… long ago. You hurt me, but it's alright. And about my cousin… I'm not sorry for that. He deserved it. I didn't kill him because he was fighting against the Dark Lord, or because he is your godfather. It was personal, a family business."
He didn't really hear it, he didn't even think about Sirius. She was such a complete mystery that for some reason he wanted to understand her first.
"Why don't you hate me? You should…"
"Then I should hate everybody. The Dark Lord, my husband, his brother, my sister's husband… you were nice, compared to what they did to me."
Screams from the hallway could be heard. Bellatrix and Harry looked at each other; not knowing what they should do, not even sure about what they wanted. She knew she couldn't run: he would probably kill her because she had murdered Sirius, or handing her over to her enemies.
Harry however didn't even consider killing her or handing her over. His young mind thought he had punished her enough, he couldn't bring himself to hurt her even more. Besides, he pitied her. And in a strange way she fascinated him. She wasn't at all the mad woman the Daily Prophet and even Dumbledore wanted to let him believe.
He took the Invisibility Cloak out of his pocket and put it around them to make sure they wouldn't be seen. The Cloak was too small to hide them both when she was laying on the floor, so he helped her to sit up and put the Cloak around them carefully. It was still a little too small, so they had to sit close to each other to be really invisible.
Lupin and Mad Eye walked by, only a few yards away from them. They disappeared quickly, clearly looking for Death Eaters or members of the Order.
When they were gone, Harry and Bellatrix remained sitting together. Harry's thoughts drifted to Sirius, and he couldn't help but sob. Bellatrix put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed softly like she wanted to support him. When he looked up to meet her eyes she was crying as well.
A strange longing for comfort made them embrace each other. Harry felt somehow at ease when Bellatrix' soft body was so close to his. Together they hid for the world, underneath his Cloak. Caressing her back to comfort her and relax a bit himself seemed a natural thing to do. He was so tired of fighting he let himself surrounded by her being and enjoyed the way she was stroking his hair. The situation was so extremely surreal but at the same time it felt so safe and secure.
The imprints from his teeth were all over her torso. Harry touched them tenderly, as if he could heal them like that and take away the pain in her shoulders, were most of the bruises were.
"I'm so sorry…" he muttered again. "If I could…"
He looked down and noticed for the first time she was still naked. He couldn't prevent himself from staring at her small breasts. Seeing a woman naked for the first time had been different in his imagination, but now she was here with him he couldn't avoid being aroused by her. She must have recognized the way he looked at her, because she took his hand and rubbed it against her nipple. He was shocked and wanted to withdraw her hand, feeling embarrassed, but again she pushed her upper body into his touch while moaning contently, thus bewildering Harry.
"It's alright," she whispered. "Don't be shy."
"I don't understand it," he said, trying to keep his voice normal. "Why do you like this? Why do you want me to touch you?"
Before she replied she cupped his hand and showed him how to touch her. Her warm flesh and soft groans thrilled his senses.
"This is the first time someone shows affection for me. And I'm very grateful for that. Even if you are supposed to be my enemy. I don't expect you to understand. You have people around you who love you. There's no one who cares for me. So every second you take your time to please me, is a precious gift for me."
She said it matter-of-factly, but Harry could her the suppressed sadness in her voice.
"I know what's it like to live like that for a long time," he said.
He told her about the Dursleys. It was extraordinary he could share something that had impacted his life so much, something that even his friends couldn't really understand, with Bellatrix.
"You are so different," she said after he was done speaking. "The way he told us that you are… well, it's not nice."
She was referring to Voldemort of course. He wanted to distract her from the pain in her face when she spoke about him. His thumb caressed her nipple, so the look on her face was one of pleasure instead of fear. At last he understood that she wasn't mad or cruel at all, but longed for love so much she was ready to do everything to find it, although she didn't see she would never get it that way.
"Are you really in love with Voldemort?" he asked while stroking her collarbone.
She flinched, both because of the fact he said the name of her master aloud and he was touching her in a way she had never experienced before.
"Of course not, who do you think I am?!"
"I didn't want to mention it, but it's a rumor and it… intrigued and scared me at the same time."
"Well I can understand that people… think that. It's my own fault. During the years in his service I noticed that the Dark Lord tend to be a little less 'generous' in his punishments towards those who have a special position in his inner circle. Snape is the Dark Lord's spy – and don't think he isn't – and I'm his whore."
Harry should've been shocked by the first remark, but the second hurt him most.
"It doesn't really work though," she continued. "But people tend to leave me alone when they think I'm in love with him… or think that I am mad. Even Rodolphus, so I think that's why I do it."
"Yeah. I married him ages ago. Biggest mistake of my life… no wait, the second biggest. But forget about it… I shouldn't say that. It gets me into trouble."
She looked around like she actually expected Voldemort overhearing the conversation.
"Don't worry," Harry said, "I'm not a Death Eater. It just surprises me. They always say you are so fanatical, and…"
"I was. But… I guess you didn't see my back?"
She turned around, showing him her backside. There were countless scars in many different sizes and shapes on it, from her buttocks to her neck.
The sight shocked him, like everything she revealed about herself did.
"Does it still hurt?" was the only thing he could think of to ask.
"The scars themselves: no. only when I'm pushed against something, or when I dry myself too rough after I took a bath. The memory of it, that's what will always hurt me. There are worse things than the Cruciatus curse. And he likes to experiment upon me. But don't worry about it, you can't help it. And you know… I hate moments like this. It remembers me that life can be good. That there are people who listen to you, people who are nice. People who care for you… maybe even more."
The grief in her voice broke his heart. He pulled her against his chest, stroking her hair that had once been healthy and dark, but was becoming gray now thanks to her terrible standards of living.
"Can I call you Harry?" she muttered in his shirt.
"Of course. Can I say Bellatrix to you? Mrs. Lestrange sounds a bit awkward."
"Just call me Bella. Or Mrs. Black if you want to be formal. I don't want to be associated with the Lestrange's. Neither with the Blacks, actually. Bella is the only thing that will do."
"This is absurd, isn't it?"
"Thanks for pointing me out, I hadn't noticed myself," Bellatrix replied, smiling a little bit.
"We are supposed to hate each other, to kill each other… and here we are, talking, and…"
"Being nice to each other," Bella added. "It's absurd, but in a good way. A very good way."
She shivered from the cold. He took the thin Cloak from them and summoned her clothes which he repaired with his wand. He helped her to get dressed.
"Why are those scars only on your back?" he asked during the process.
"The Dark Lord doesn't like a woman with scars on places on her body where he can see them while… well, you know."
"You slept with Voldmemort?!"
"I didn't sleep with the Dark Lord. He fucks me. There's a difference."
"Just like I did."
"No. We fucked together. It was not only you. That's another difference. Harry, I wonder… how can you ever beat him, when you are so innocent?"
"I don't think knowing the exact differences between sleeping with, making love, fucking together and being fucked will help me kill Voldemort."
"I didn't mean that, but…"
Despite the situation she giggled, causing Harry to laugh as well.
"Harry… just make sure you destroy him. That's the only thing that will help," she said when they finally stopped laughing.
"I don't want to be rude, Bella, but if you can come close to him, and you hate him so much, why don't you just…"
"Why I don't just kill him? Because it's quite hard to kill someone if your wand is taken from you, you are chained to the wall and you are being tortured and fucked at the same time."
"That's sick," Harry muttered in disbelief. "Does he really…"
"He knows his followers hate him," Bellatrix said, ignoring his implicit question. "He is extremely careful and makes sure no one can do him any harm. Despite everything he's a very powerful wizard, even more talented than they let you believe."
Her shoulders tensed up and he could almost feel the stress in her body.
"Are you always so nervous?" he asked.
"I always have to be vigilant. I can't afford to relax."
"Yes, you can. Right now, for example…"
He started to massage her shoulders and neck. She leant back against him, closing her eyes, and sighed both contently and warily.
"Despite your age you are the only real man I ever had the pleasure of meeting," she said. "You don't have any reason to be kind. Not after what I did to.. my cousin."
"But if you hate it to be a Death Eater, then why…"
"Like I said before, it's personal. It had nothing to do with the Dark Lord, but with some unfinished business. He did something to me long ago… we knew this day would come… maybe you'll know once. But not now. I could've killed Nymphodora, but I didn't. That's the only proof I can offer you to persuade you I didn't kill Sirius in the Dark Lord's service, nor for my own pleasure."
The answer didn't satisfy him, but it was enough for the time being. Somehow he really cared for this woman, and he realized that there were two sides of the story: not only Sirius'.
Far away Lupin shouted Harry's name, but again he didn't reply.
"They are looking for you," Bellatrix said. "Are you going to hand me over to them?"
The tension in her body was back within a few seconds.
"No. I won't."
"Thanks," was all she said, but he could hear the relief and gratefulness in her voice.
"I should run, then."
"Yes," Harry said, but neither of them moved.
Harry was completely focused on Bella's hair, that felt so soft and silky when he touched it, despite the way it looked. It almost seemed to heal under his attention, just like she did.
"Why do you like me, Harry?" she asked suddenly.
"I never said I like you," he replied, a bit shocked by the question because it made him realize how much he actually liked her.
"I know you do," she whispered. "Otherwise you would have hand me over to the others. Or you would've killed me… that would've been more likely."
"I just couldn't do that. I couldn't have dealt with the guilt if I would've caused you any more harm, no matter what kind. They aren't Death Eaters, but they are very angry and will probably hurt you because of what you did."
"I'm not angry. I'm just sad."
She sighed apologizing.
"Do you know what you are going to do… after this mess is over, I mean?"
"I'll go back to school."
"And what about the Dark Lord?"
"I'll try to find a way to… you know."
"If you ever need some help… I think there's no one who knows as much about him as I do. It's not really much, but…"
"What will you do?"
"I don't know. But there's one thing I'm sure of. I won't return to the Dark Lord."
"He'll go after you, and… he'll kill you," Harry said horrified.
"Not if he can't find me."
"I'm afraid of that, yes. But he can't hurt me more than he did already. All he can do is kill me… and that won't be that bad. You know, he always told us that Dumbledore and Harry Potter were even more cruel. They were the real threat to the world. How I ever could believe that… maybe I just wanted it to be true. It made my own life a little better. Now I realize that it was one big lie. The world would be a better place without the master I served almost my entire life… better without me. I shouldn't have joined. It's my own fault. He promised attention and respect, power, richness… I was so naive."
Never Harry had expected to hear a Death Eater talk like this; a server of the Dark Lord who said aloud she regretted being in his service. It made clear to Harry how it could be that Voldemort had so many followers: he lured them in to his power with empty promises.
"I don't want him to find you," he said.
She took his hand and just held it, thus telling them how much she needed his support.
"You must run, Bella. You must run and never look back."
"He'll find me," she said, sounding scared for the first time. "I know too much."
Lupin shouted again Harry's name; he was much nearer this time.
"Maybe they'll catch me, and…"
"No, they won't. Bella, I just thought of something. What if I tell them you are dead? Then both the Order and the Death Eaters won't go looking for you."
"If you tell them… that you killed me…"
"But the body… they won't believe you if they won't find your body…"
"The veil…" she muttered. "You blasted me through the veil. The ultimate revenge… and the body disappeared… but no one will doubt your story. If I Disapparate, and you run to the Death Chamber… it's close to this room, I studied the blue prints before I went here."
"Voldemort will miss his only smart servant," Harry said.
She returned his smile a bit reluctant.
"Well, I have my wand and clothes. I should go."
"Yeah. Don't look back, Bella. Try to find a new life. Away from this all. Somehow I can imagine you in a little cottage by the sea."
"I don't think so. I never thought there'd actually be an 'after'. I'll try to escape first. Let's see what will happen if I can manage to keep living."
"Do you need anything? Gold, clothes, food…"
"Luckily the associates of the Dark Lord will be so surprised by my sudden disappearance that they probably won't notice for quite some time if I empty the complete vault of the Lestrange's at Gringrotts."
"So they will not only miss their only smart person, but a lot of their gold as well."
"Yeah… well it's the least they can do for me after all those years of… well. I don't want to think about it anymore. The thing I'm actually worrying about… Harry, will we ever see each other again?"
"I honestly don't know," he replied. "Would you want to?"
"I think so. Maybe when all this is over, when the Dark Lord is gone… I need to be sure I won't lead them to you accidentally, so I guess somehow remaining in touch with you will be hard, although I would want to."
For a few seconds there was an awkward silence; neither of them could think of a proper way to say goodbye, not knowing for how long the departure would be. Finally Bellatrix hugged Harry tightly.
"Thanks for what you've done for me. Don't worry about what happened before. And I want you to say that maybe I am… slightly sorry for what I did to your godfather. I hope you can deal with the loss."
Tears appeared in his eyes again, but he blinked them away stubbornly.
"I want you to have this," she said, handing him her necklace. "It was a gift from Rodolphus. I won't need it, never wanted it. You can use it as an evidence for my… tragic decease."
He nodded and took the necklace from her slightly trembling hand.
"I hope you'll escape and will survive. To help you achieving that, I want to give you something as well."
Her eyes widened when he offered her his Invisibility Cloak.
"No, I can not take that," she objected. "I can't."
"I want you to have it," he persuaded her. "You can send it back later, when you are sure you are safe."
"Okay, if you insist…"
She took the Cloak while taking a deep breath.
"This is it, right?"
"This is it."
"Thanks again," she said. "Thanks so much, for everything."
"And you… thanks for understanding me, and listening to me. And just… making me understand you and Death Eaters and Voldemort. And not blaming me for…"
They finally let each other go, immediately missing the warmth and comfort they had shared.
Bellatrix turned around after smiling sadly to him once more. It wasn't enough. He grabbed her wrist and pulled her towards him. She didn't seem surprised at all.
"I was hoping you'd do that," she said before she leant towards him and kissed him tenderly on the lips.
Reassured by the fact she accepted him, he deepened the kiss and opened his lips for hers. For almost one glorious minute the world didn't exist anymore. Then Mad Eye Moody's voice was heard shouting for Harry in the next room. When Harry opened his eyes again, Bellatrix had Disapparated already. Harry ran back to the room with the veil, shouting his name every few steps.
Lupin was the first he ran into.
"Harry! There you are!" He yelled relieved.
"I'm here," Harry said, trying to sound like he had a very bad time.
"We were very concerned! Harry… what happened? Are you alright?"
Harry nodded to his former teacher. Harry looked horrible, but of course it was not because of what Lupin thought.
"She's dead," Harry said evenly, while showing the necklace to Lupin and the other adults who joined them.
"What happened?" Kingsley asked in his deep voice.
"We were fighting. She kept firing killing curses at me, and I thought there was only one way for me to defeat her. I hid myself, and crept towards her when her back was towards me; she tried to lure me out of my hiding place. I tried to strangle her, but the necklace broke. She couldn't talk for a few seconds, so she couldn't defend herself with her wand, and I stunned her. It wouldn't have caused her much harm, but… I blasted her through the veil. It was an accident, but… I killed her."
"You what?" they asked, all in shock.
For a moment he was afraid he had said 'I kissed her'; but then they certainly would have reacted in a different way.
"I killed her… like I said it wasn't my intention, but she fell behind the veil."
After another moment of shock and disbelief, everybody was elated about the apparent decese of one of the most infamous Death Eaters. Almost no one wondered how Harry could've successfully dueled with her for such a long time; according to his raised eyebrows, only Dumbledore seemed to doubt the story.
The joyfulness however was gone after a few seconds, it was replaced by an immense grief when they realized again that they had lost someone as well.
Vaguely Harry noticed how they led him to his friends, who tried to comfort him. He didn't really notice however: he still felt Bellatrix' lips on his.
He had lost his godfather, but he had found someone as well. While trying to think what exactly, he put Bellatrix' necklace around his neck. One thing he was sure of: he would wear it for a very long time, no matter what.