Author's Note: A few words of warning about this piece: First off, I think it's time for me to come clean and admit that I haven't even beaten Mass Effect yet even though I've written two stories for it. Since I'm slow when it comes to playing through games, I'm aware that some of you who read this piece will probably get after me for this. The only reason I know about what happens in the game is because I saw my boyfriend beat it twice. I also apologize if Garrus seems a bit out of character in this one as well because I pretty much had to grasp thin air at how he'd be during the final scene before Ilos.

This piece happens shortly after Storm Gray and includes the major spoiler concerning Virmire, is from Shepard's point of view, and delves into my version of her background. In order to make Julia Shepard more mine-ish, I've slightly altered her background to be a bit different from the Spacer/War Hero background in the game when it comes to her family, but I did it to put more depth into Julia's character since I've not been able to write a multi-chapter story including her yet. I just don't like how picture-perfect the Spacer/War Hero background seems in the game at all and the only reason I chose it was for the boost in Paragon. Such a background is just completely unrealistic to me. Once again, Mass Effect is © BioWare. Happy New Year and stuff! Ugh, sorry about having to repost this, teaches me to write horribly long summaries.

Summary: After the mission on Virmire goes awry, Shepard is forced to cope with the loss of a crew mate, and with the choice of resorting to thievery to continue her mission. When Garrus tries to help her, she reveals to him that things aren't always what they seem to be, and that everyone has demons in their past... even heroes.

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Wrong. Everything had gone insanely wrong.

Julia Shepard paced back and forth within the confines of her quarters, like a fox in a cage.

The mission to aid Captain Kirrahe had gone awry, ending with not only his demise, but with Julia having to make one of the hardest choices in not only her military career, but in her life. Pressed for time to escape the massive swarm of geth that had threatened to overtake them, and with two members of her crew practically on opposite sides of the base, the Commander had been forced to make a sacrifice... To condemn either Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams or Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko to death.

The choice had been agonizingly difficult for Julia. Though she felt no romantic attachment to the man, Shepard and Kaidan had been as close as siblings, and he reminded her of her fallen twin brother, Julian. The friendship Shepard had forged with Ashley, on the other hand; had been quite rocky in the beginning, as the two women harbored different views when it came to religion and to other species. Even so, Julia had looked at the decision from a personal point of view rather than from a military one. Ashley was merely an enlisted soldier and not originally part of the Normandy's crew while Kaidan had come from an orphanage and had been aboard the vessel as long as Julia could remember.

In the end, the Commander had chosen to save Ashley, having felt that the other woman deserved another chance at more than just a higher rank within the Alliance military. Even though Kaidan was a close friend of hers, he was from an orphanage while Ashley had a family, and the last thing Shepard wanted to do was tear the Williams family apart.

The Commander had been barely able to notice when Garrus's hand had grasped her own as she forced herself to tell Kaidan that she had made her choice to leave him behind, and had been unable to stop the hot tears that had begun falling down her face when the Lieutenant accepted her choice. She had refused to even look at Garrus and Wrex, not wanting them to see her cry as she had wordlessly moved off, inwardly wincing when she had forced herself to refuse the Turian's gesture of comfort when she had pulled her hand free of his.

There had been no time to regret, and the only thing to do was to keep moving forward.

Shepard too had nearly lost her life on Vermire. Like an owl on silent wings, Saren had suddenly swooped down upon them. Julia had drawn her pistol, unable to think coherently enough to have drawn her assault rifle or even to charge and channel one of her offensive biotic abilities, and had fired a good number of shots; however, the bone white Turian had been unfazed by her attack. The firefight that followed had been intense, and when the ex-Spectre had been knocked from his glider, Julia had been unprepared for what happened next. Saren had suddenly surged up to her, grabbed her by the throat, and had her dangling perilously over the side of the landing site. Somehow, something or someone had distracted the Turian before he could seize the chance to kill her, and Shepard had taken the chance to escape his grasp by delivering a right cross to the side of his face. Even so, she had forgotten about her situation and had barely been able to halt her fall by grabbing onto the side of the landing site as Saren made his escape.

Too exhausted from all that had happened, Julia's own efforts to pull herself to safety had been fruitless, and the human had been about to order the crew to leave without her when she had felt a pair of hands grasp her firmly by her forearms before they pulled her up and back onto the landing site. Shepard had then found herself gazing into Garrus's silver-blue eyes as the Turian pulled her to her feet before the two had raced to help the wounded Ashley aboard the Normandy.

As the frigate had taken off, the Commander had fallen to her hands and knees, unable to hold back her grief any longer and not caring when Garrus had knelt beside her and pulled her close. Choosing to sacrifice Kaidan in order for everyone else to survive was like losing Julian all over again. The mission debriefing had been unusually short, and Shepard had been unable to look upon any of her crew mates. Shepard had even been completely willing to allow Liara to probe into her mind after the human had spoken about the beacon she had found in Saren's lab, and about the conversation with the... thing... the Reaper, Sovereign, that had followed shortly after. Liara's effort this time round had finally heralded the answer they had so desperately been seeking: the location of the Conduit.

There had been no time to mourn, and the only thing to do was to keep moving forward.

The return to the Citadel had been a silent one for the woman. Rather than spending time with her friends, she had instead chosen to confine herself to her quarters in order to be alone after she had spent two hours practically turning the frigate upside down searching for the arrowhead pendant she had lost. Despite her wish to meet with Ambassador Udina and the Council alone, Garrus had asked to accompany her. It was a request Julia had reluctantly granted, but she had been grateful that the Turian had chosen to stand behind her despite what she had been forced to do.

The meeting had been a disaster, her being relieved of the mission that she had grown so adamant to complete and Udina's grounding the Normandy being the straw that broke the camel's back. Julia had felt used... betrayed... by that snake-in-the-grass of an Ambassador and by the Council themselves. She had been nothing more than a hound used to find and confirm the trail of an escaped suspect, and had been caged away now that her usefulness had ended.

In the end, the Commander had exited the Council chambers with her head bowed, her shoulders slumped, and her spirit dangerously close to breaking. She had been the representative of not only her family and the Cherokee Nation, but of the Alliance and all of humanity. And she felt that she had failed not only them, but the entire galaxy... until hope had chosen to appear to her in the form of a request from Captain Anderson for her to meet with him. The older man had formulated a plan to free the Normandy of lockdown status in order for Julia and her crew to escape so they could resume their hunt for Saren and the Conduit. It was thievery in every sense of the word, and Julia hadn't liked it, but she had reluctantly chosen to follow Anderson's plan. She liked and respected the Captain, not only because he was a fellow Native American (at least partially), but because he had never shown any disrespect to her... unlike Udina.

She had made the choice for him to break into Udina's office in order to execute their plan, and had done nothing but worry for his well-being as she and Joker had hovered over the cockpit controls, until the systems had been brought back on line. The Normandy had then shot out of the docking bay and away from the Citadel like a bat out of hell. Though they were now on their way to Ilos, Julia had been nothing but a tense bundle of nerves, and after a second, unsuccessful search for her pendant; had once again shut herself up within her quarters where she was now pacing restlessly as she tried to think ahead concerning this new step in the now resumed mission... in order to avoid a repeat of Virmire.

There had been no time for blame, and the only thing to do was to keep moving forward.

Julia Shepard blinked, the sound of knocking at the closed door of her quarters causing her to be roused from her reverie. She remained silent, staying her tongue even when the sound came again, slow and unsure.

"Who is it?" she snapped, her frayed nerves only serving to spark her temper, which had been running short since Virmire. "This had better be important."

"I, uh... s-sorry, Commander," came Garrus's voice from the other side of the door. "It's... not really anything important.."

'Anything you say is important to me...' Shepard thought, inwardly scolding herself for snapping at him when he had done absolutely nothing wrong. "You can come in, Garrus," she said aloud, her tone softer and more gentle. "I didn't mean what I said..."

She didn't look up even as she heard the sound of the door opening, the sound of the Turian's footsteps as he entered her quarters, the door once again closing behind him.

"What's up?" she asked, finally raising her head to look into his eyes, and gave a breath of quiet laughter when Garrus took a moment to glance up at the ceiling. Shepard had to admit that sometimes, it was amusing to see his reaction whenever she'd use human slang, and it was one of the things she found so endearing about him. "I mean, what's bothering you?"

"Your ceiling... oh," he replied, taking a moment to glance around the rest of the room. "Many things have been bothering me, Commander.." he trailed off, and Julia noticed that he was focusing his attention on the small dreamcatcher hanging above her pillow. She heard him give a quiet sigh before he turned his head to focus his silver-blue eyes upon her before he continued: "Your well-being especially. It's not like you at all to avoid m-... e-everyone like this."

"Well, since everything went to hell on Virmire, everyone's been on edge. I'm not exactly the nicest person when my nerves are frayed, Garrus. Kaidan's gone, and it's all my fault," she snapped, beginning to pace again. "I. Let. Him. Die. I shouldn't have sent him with Kirrahe's unit."

"No, it's not your fault," the pale gold Turian replied, shaking his head, his voice remaining even as he watched her. "If anyone is to blame for what happened to Alenko, it's Saren. Don't blame yourself for what he did."

"Oh, I blame him too, believe me. If he hadn't shown up when he did, we could've saved Kaidan, and nobody would have been lost. You all mean so much to me, and if I were to lose someone else... I know I wouldn't be able to take it..." She gave a long, drawn-out sigh before she moved to sit on the edge of her bed, raising a hand to run it through her messy jet black hair in a half-hearted attempt to fix it. "Ever since I lost my twin brother during the Skyllian Blitz, I felt like I'd lost half of myself... It's sad that while I was able to protect Elysium by myself until reinforcements came, I was unable to protect my own brother... and I made a promise that I would never let something like that ever happen again to those I care about."

"Such a promise is an empty one, Shepard," Garrus said softly, closing the distance between them before he knelt in front of her. "there's no way to truly protect everyone, no matter how hard we may search for it."

"My father said pretty much the same thing to me," Julia replied, pausing to take a deep breath before she averted her gaze from him, keeping it trained down upon her lap. "He was a kind-hearted and wise man, and I was closer to him than I was to my mother. I... I think you would've liked him. He would've liked you even though he fought in the First Contact War, but he had allowed himself to forgive Turians for what had happened and learned to let go of his hatred and resentment..." She sniffled once, raising a hand to brush a few tears from her eyes. "He... died three years ago from a heart attack, and it tore me apart inside when I found out. Even now, I always wish that I could've been there with him... The pendant I always wore is all I have to remember him and Julian by. It originally belonged to my father's father and had been passed down to him, then he passed it down to Julian... and then it passed on to me when Julian was killed... and then I go and lose it too... like I lost them..."

She blinked when she felt the Turian gently grasp her right hand, her brow furrowing when she felt something being gently pressed into the palm before she glanced up, and she could barely contain her mixed joy and relief when she saw that it had been her beloved pendant Garrus had placed there.

"My brother's pendant! Garrus... where...?"

"I found it on the floor by your locker earlier and had meant to return it to you sooner, but... I... I never got the chance to return it until now." the Turian said, watching the human slip the pendant around her neck.

"Th-thank you, Garrus..." she whispered, throwing her arms around his shoulders and pulling him against her in a tight hug. "You don't know how much this pendant means to me... And before I forget yet again, thank you for saving my life back on Virmire," She felt him go rigid, and reluctantly, she leant back and released him. "S-sorry, I-I didn't mean to..."

"I... I didn't mind, it merely surprised me," he said softly, before he took a deep breath. "There's no need for you to thank me at all. A Turian won't leave someone he cares about behind, Shepard... ...Julia... You... you mean everything to me.." Garrus continued, the slight quiver to his voice betraying his nervousness as he gently held one of her hands in both of his, and Shepard felt her heartrate increase when she heard him speak her given name. "Human, Asari, Turian, what you are doesn't matter. Not to me."

"Garrus... I... I'm sorry..." Julia whispered before she rose to her feet, pulling her hand free of his as she moved past him a few steps, her head bowed. "I haven't been completely honest with you..."

"What do you mean?" he asked, rising to his feet before he moved to place a hand on her shoulder.

"I'm not who you think I am... I'm not a hero.. not by choice. I never asked for any of this to happen. Hell, if you want to know the complete truth, I never asked to be in the damn military... but I learned to accept the path that had been set before me even though I don't like it..." she continued, refusing to even look at him. "I wanted to become an entomologist, but my mother wouldn't have it. She made me enlist in the military with my brother, and when he was killed, she blamed me... She blamed me because she favored Julian over me, and I never understood why... That little conversation I had with her a while ago to help Zabaleta was one of her good days. Usually, she and I can't have a conversation without fighting... I envy Ashley and her family because they're so close, while I can't even get along with my own mother... Even so, I couldn't tear them apart... to do something like that, no... I just couldn't..."

"Do you really think something like that matters to me, Julia?" she heard him softly ask before he stepped in front of her, and then she felt him gently tilt her chin up, her eyes becoming locked with his and Shepard felt a shiver travel down her spine. Though she thought Garrus had beautiful eyes, sometimes, if he looked at her a certain way, it would seem that he was looking straight through her rather than at her... straight into her soul... "Everyone has devils in their past, despite who they are. You taught me that people can change, helped me to see the galaxy in a different view than I had before I met you, and I can't even begin to express how grateful I am."

"It's 'demons in their past', Garrus," she corrected gently, unable to help herself, and she felt the beginnings of a smile tug at the corners of her mouth when Garrus gave a small shrug. Hearing any Turian trying to quote human sayings, no matter what mood she was in, always made her smile. "and you're welcome... you're more than welcome..." she added before glancing about. "So... what now?"

"You get some rest. We should be arriving at Ilos in the morning," Garrus replied, pulling his hand away, though not without gently running his fingers through her shoulder-length hair as he took a step back, and he blinked when her hands suddenly shot out and grasped his own firmly within them.

Now was not the time to doubt, and the only thing to do was to keep moving forward.

"Garrus, wait," she whispered, deciding to take the leap of faith. "Will you stay with me?"