Scrooge & Marley: Attack of the Turkey

Scrooge & Marley II

A Sequel to: Scrooge & Marley: The Play Of Utter Randomness

It’s long.

It’s rambling.

It’s random.

It’s back with a vengeance.

Enjoy.

(Things are all as normal here at Scrooge & Marley Co. Cratchit is hard at work and Scrooge is playing Pacman and deleting his e-mails from nephew Fred. Joy.)

Scrooge: (to computer) DIE PIXEL-ESQUE SCUM!

Cratchit: Okay…

Scrooge: How can you hear me if we’re in separate offices?

Cratchit: We aren’t.

Scrooge: Huh? Since when? (pause as he glances at the computer screen) Dang it. I got eaten by aliens again! (forehead slap)

Cratchit: (with a sigh) Why aren’t you working?

Scrooge: Why aren’t you using the telephone to talk to me?

Cratchit: Why do we have telephones if we’re in the same room?

Scrooge: It feels more business-y. And groovy too!

Cratchit: Right…

Scrooge: USE THE TELEPHONE ALREADY!

Cratchit: (angrily) Fine! (picks up telephone and dials)

Scrooge: (picks up the phone) Cratchit!

Cratchit: Mr. Scrooge sir!

Scrooge: What?

Cratchit: Why does this always seem to happen?

Scrooge: Huh?

Cratchit: Nothing.

Scrooge: Oh OK.

(pause)

Cratchit: Well, uh, what do you want sir?

Scrooge: A can of Coke, large order of French fries and a grilled cheese sandwich. Oh, and some nachos!

Cratchit: That’s not what I meant…

Scrooge: Whatever! Fetch them at once!

(Two hours later)

Cratchit: Will that be all sir?

Scrooge: (sips his drink) Yup.

Cratchit: Did you know that Coca Cola can take the rust off of cars?

Scrooge: So?

Cratchit: So imagine what it’s doing to your stomach!

Scrooge: (glowers) I ain’t bovvered!

Cratchit: (sarcastically) Really?

Scrooge: No. Look at my face! Is this a bovvered face thou see’st before thee? No, ‘tis not! I AIN’T BOVVERED!

Cratchit: (backs away hurriedly and crashes into his desk, causing it to fall over with a very loud bang) Drat. My computer broke!

Scrooge: Oh, boo hoo. (pulls a face and turns back to his computer) ARGH!

Cratchit: (rubs head before replying) What is it Mr. Scrooge?

Scrooge: A humbug in a black robe just magically appeared on my screen!

Humbug: Well, duh! I’m supposed to be here!

Scrooge: And who are you exactly?

Humbug: I am The One And Only Ghost Of Humbug Yet To Come! But you can shorten my name to GOHYTC and that’s fine with me. (bows)

Cratchit: What the heck? (hurries over and stares at the humbug) This is crazy!

Scrooge: Crazier than Marley?

Marley: (walks in) OI!

All: Where did you come from?

Marley: Macau!

Scrooge: I don’t get it. Aren’t you a ghost?

Marley: (sniffs) Thanks for the reminder! It just so happens that we ghosts have holidays nowadays!

Cratchit: (to no-one in particular) Au men!

All: (except Cratchit) What does that mean?

Cratchit: Macau in Chinese! That’s Chong wen, by the way.

Marley: (to the playwright) Since when were these plays educational?

Marley’s Brother Whose Name We’ll Never Know A.K.A The Playwright: Uh…I dunno!

GOHYTC: Whaaat? I was told to haunt some dude and this is what I get? Gosh! (disappears)

GOHYTC’s Voice: (reverb) I’ll be back! Whoooooo! (reverb off)

Marley: (snaps) He’d better be! I had to pay a thousand pound to hire him to scare Scrooge to death…oh darn.

Scrooge: You hatched another evil plan to try and scare me to death so we can be best ever buddies for all of eternity?

Marley: (nods enthusiastically)

Scrooge: (sarcastically) Fabulous. Super. Brill-yunt. Many more un-needed sarcastic synonyms!

Marley: (looks crestfallen)

Scrooge: Besides, aren’t you meant to be where all the other evil ghosts are?

Marley: (stung) I’m not evil! I’m just creepy, malicious, sneaky, avaricious, mean, cold-hearted, unforgiving, rude, nasty, ugly, fluffy-

Cratchit: Fluffy?

Marley: IDIOT! (smacks Playwright) Stop making me say weird stuff!

Marley’s Brother Whose Name We’ll Never Know: Muahahahahahaha!

Cratchit: Don’cha just love sibling rivalry?

Marley: What-ev dude. I got something funky to say!

Scrooge: At last.

Marley: When I was on holiday, I learnt how to predict the future! I’m gonna warn you two of stuff that’s gonna happen in your futures, because I’m that cool.

Cratchit: Shouldn’t that ghostly humbug of the future do that? (frowns)

Marley: Drat. Foiled again. (disappears)

GOHYTC: (appears in Marley’s place) Wassup?

Scrooge: Marley said you’re going to predict our futures?

GOTHYTC: Yup. (concentrates) Ponder ponder think think…

Cratchit: What are you doing?

GOHTYC: Thinking.

Cratchit: Oh.

GOHTYC: (reverb) Cratchit…

Scrooge: Hang on, why can’t I go first?

Cratchit: Probably because your fate’s rubbish!

GOHYTC: Shut up, I’m prophesizing here!

Scrooge and Cratchit: Sorry.

Cratchit: (To GOHTYC) Soooo, what’s my future?

GOHYTC: You’re gonna drink some water, win the lottery (only 10 though) and, by the way, Tiny Tim’s gonna die.

Cratchit: WHAT?

Scrooge: So much for my fate being rubbish! (giggles)

GOHTYC: Scrooge…

Scrooge: Just get on with it!

GOHYTC: Touchy. (sniffs haughtily and continues) You will unexpectedly lose your wallet, ironically stub your toe on a Coke can and, of course, you’re gonna die.

Scrooge: WHAT? Who, what, when, where, WHY?

GOHTYC: Soon-ish. That’s all I can say as it says here on my non existent haunting license. Three future prophecies only and that’s it. No tips, tricks or hints.

Scrooge: So more bad stuff’s gonna happen to me?

GOHTYC: Probably.

Scrooge: Bah, humbug.

GOHYTC: Is that some offensive joke about humbugs?

Scrooge: No.

GOHYTC: Good. Well, I’ll be off! Ciao! (disappears)

Cratchit: Since when did humbugs speak Italian?

Scrooge: Isn’t that Spanish?

Cratchit: Shouldn’t we be worrying about our futures?

Scrooge: Oh…yeah. (runs around screaming and stubs his toe on his Coke can, trips over it and falls onto the floor)

(Stunned silence)

Cratchit: The ghost was right! It wasn’t some random hoax!

Scrooge: Affirmative. Help me up already.

Cratchit: (helps Scrooge get back on his feet and grabs a glass of water out of nowhere) All this action and weirdness is making me thirs-THE GHOST WAS RIGHT AGAIN!

Scrooge: Uh oh… (frantically searches in his pockets) I think I may have mislaid-

Cratchit: (in excitement and fear) Your wallet!

Scrooge: Congrats genius! Help me find it!

(Thirty minutes later)

Cratchit: Sorry boss, I think your wallet may be gone for good.

Scrooge: Oh darn.

Marley: (reappears carrying a glass of Coke and ‘How to Scare People to Death for Dummies’) Hi guys! How’s it going?

Scrooge: How’s it going? HOW’S IT GOING? What do you mean? ‘How’s it going?’ I’ve tripped over a Coke can and stubbed my toe and lost my wallet and Cratchit’s going to win the lottery!

Cratchit: (meekly) Only 10 though.

Scrooge: Whatever. Why does bad stuff always happen to me? Why ME?

Marley: YOU? I’m dead!

Cratchit: And my kid’s gonna die!

Marley: Woah, that was unexpected!

Scrooge: What was?

Marley: Did you guys see that flying army of rubber ducks intent on world domination?

Scrooge: (to audience) See what I meant about him being crazy?

Cratchit: Wow, this play’s pointless and stupid!

(A few hours later)

Cratchit: And so end another day at the office.

Scrooge: Yup.

Marley: (quoting Shakespeare) ‘When shall we meet again? In thunder, lighting or in rain’…er…tomorrow?

Scrooge: How about never?

Marley: Aw!

Scrooge: For goodness sake! I was JOKING! Why does no-one get my jokes? (leaves, grumbling)

Marley: (to audience) Gee…what’s made him so mad?

Cratchit: (rolls his eyes and departs also)

Marley: Sure…abandon me. That’s nice. (sniffs and disappears)

(Scene changes to Scrooge’s computer room/office at his house, where he’s busy typing)

Scrooge: (to himself) Stupid ghosts! I’m not going to die. Not yet anyway…No wonder everything’s so weird today, it’s Monday! Typical…

GOHYTC: (voice only, creepily) I have returned!

Scrooge: Oh no…not you again!

GOHYTC: Aw c’mon, what did I do?

Scrooge: You know perfectly well, stupid!

GOHYTC: Careful Scrooge! If you anger me, my wrath shall be dreadful to behold!

Scrooge: Oh yeah! I’m already going to die! What more can you do to me?

GOHYTC: (snorts) You shall se, O Victim of my Powerful and Almighty Wrathfulness!

(A flash of light. Scrooge’s money bursts out of wallets, safes, drawers and cabinets and begin to dance the Macarena)

Scrooge: Is this your idea of a joke?

GOHYTC: No! This is really scary!

Scrooge: Yeah…OK.

GOHYTC: Here comes something scarier!

(A turkey appears, seemingly normal, harmless and turkey-ish)

Scrooge: (laughs) A TURKEY? Is that the best you can do?

GOHYTC: Oh darn. I forgot its Weapon of Doom.

(Turkey acquires dagger)

GOHTYC: Voila! (proudly) A Killer Psycho Turkey!

Scrooge: So this is how I’m gonna die? I’m going to be hacked to death by a turkey with a dagger, like in Psycho but without the split personality thing?

GOHYTC: Pretty much.

Scrooge: (faints)

(Meanwhile, at the Cratchit’s house)

Tiny Tim: Uh, guys?

Cratchits: Yeah?

Tiny Tim: I’m dying!

All: WHAT?

Tiny Tim: Yeah, I know it’s rubbish! I’ll (wheeze) see y’all in the afterlife or something… (dies)

(pause)

Cratchits: That was weird…

(Back at Scrooge’s house)

(The turkey is almost within stabbing distance of Scrooge, who has luckily regained consciousness and is backing away, pleading with the ghost)

Scrooge: Please O Ghost Of Humbug Yet To Come! Stop this madness! Pretty please with a cherry on top! I beg you!

GOHYTC: You need to say the magic word!

Scrooge: Abracadabra?

GOHYTC: No.

Scrooge: Alakazam?

GOHYTC: No.

Scrooge: Humbug?

GOHYTC: No.

Scrooge: Money?

GOHYTC: No.

Scrooge: Cherry?

GOHYTC: No.

Scrooge: Chocolate?

GOHYTC: No.

Scrooge: (in exasperation) Rainbow flavoured socks?

GOHTYC: Woah, how did you guess?

(Turkey disappears and the money stops dancing, returning to its usual, immobile state, all over the room)

Scrooge: Thanks a bunch! Now I have to clean this all up!

(The next day, at the office)

Marley: (perched on a desk, sips coffee) Morning guys! Have a good night?

Cratchit and Scrooge: Nope.

Marley: (sweetly) Why not?

Cratchit: Maybe it’s because Tiny Tim died-

Scrooge: And I was nearly assassinated by a turkey with a dagger like in Psycho but without the split personality thing and spent the rest of the night picking up money that had been previously dancing the Macarena!

Marley: (sprays coffee all over the place) Really? You gotta be kidding.

Tiny Tim’s Ghost: (enters) Nope! Hiya guys!

Cratchit: Um…hi. What’re you doing here?

Tiny Tim: Nothing.

(pause)

Tiny Tim: Okay…I’m bored. Toodles! (leaves)

Marley: That was random.

Cratchit: Isn’t everything thus far?

(An envelope slides under the door, addressed to Cratchit)

Scrooge: Is it a letter bomb?

Marley: Did you have brain surgery ol’ pal? That’s an envelope!

Scrooge: You-

Cratchit: Oh my gosh! I won 10 in the lottery! I didn’t even enter!

Scrooge: (sarcastically) Hurrah. (claps slowly thrice then stops)

Marley: What’re you gonna do with the money?

Cratchit: I think I’ll use it to buy my slave driver here (jerks a thumb at Scrooge) a coffin!

Scrooge: (sarcastically) Oh ha ha ha! I am SO amused…not.

Cratchit: That wasn’t funny at all.

Scrooge: I know! I felt like being stupid.

(Many years later, Scrooge eventually dies. He got stomach damage from drinking WAAY to much Coca Cola)

Marley: How d’you feel ol’ pal?

Scrooge: (groans) Awful, what do you think?

Marley: (sadly) Aw, I thought you’d be happy!

Scrooge: (snaps) Why?

Marley: Now we can be best friends for all eternity! Maybe even longer!

Scrooge: Bah, humbug.

Marley’s Brother Whose Name He’ll Actually Reveal to Us Now (dramatic music): Hi, I’m Clarence Periwinkle Marley, playwright and huge fan of The Sound of Music. Don’t fret; there’ll be more of these random plays coming soon! Stay tuned! But, for now, in the words of Porky Pig: That’s all folks!

The End