Presenting Orochimaru, Your New Teacher

Summery: Orochimaru came up with another crack pot idea, this time taking over the U.S.A. So, he decided to undertake the digusie of a Homeroom Teacher for a school for delinquent highschool boys. Hahahaha... He has no idea what he got himself into... Espicially when his class considers men with long hair are gay and immeaditly become target pratice for their slingshots and snot balls. Then there is that smart ass leader who's leading the entire gang, the one who plants the ideas in their heads. I'd say snake man will last for three days... or less. And where does Kabuto fit in this?

Rating: T

Genre: humor/humor

Contains: Orochimaru bashing, cussing, perverted high school boys, Orochimaru bashing, a stupid main character who is a fan of Naruto, yet does not figure out until a long time later, Orochimaru is Orochimaru, cute, adoribale little sisters with big eyes that make you want to hug to death, hot bishies, a violent aunt, and one crazy kid who thinks there is a fox spirit in him. Yeah, the normal stuff. Oh, and Orochimaru bashing (did I already say that?)

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or Inuyasha I meantion once in this story.

“blah” - talking

'blah' - thoughts

---

Chapter One: Ugh... School Starts... Again...

“Awwww man! You got to be kidding me! I got dumped! Again!” shouted the boy with short brown hair and blue eyes as he slammed his head against the table in the coffee shop, earning stares from nearby people, “And who the hell told Krissy about Jenny?! Somebody is blabbling out all the girls I'm dating... And whoever it is, is dead meat!”

“Jermy, you are already dating twenty more. So you lost one? Big deal.” said one of the boys sitting next to the one called Jermy, as he pointed he fork at him.

“But Derrik! You know each and every one of them holds a special place in my heart!” Jermy faked sobbed, wiping his eyes with the sleeves of his shirt.

“If it isn't your heart, it is below your pants...” muttered Derrik, knawing on a piece of carrot.

“With Jermy's good looks, we all can get girl friends! Valentine's Day is just seven months away! There is no way I am not going with out chocolates again this year!” shouted a different boy, as he stood up suddenly shaking his fist.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Girls! Girls! We need girls and chocolates! Now your talkin' Casey!” shouted another boy, standing up annd high fiving the other.

“CHOCO-LA-TO! CHOCO-LA-TO!! CHOCO-LA-TO!!!” sung the two boys, hooking each other's arms and spinning in circles.

“Casey, Jessie, stop! You're embarrasing the gang!” shouted Jermy, silencing them both up at once.

Jermy rubbed his eyes as the two sat down immeaditly, not wanting to anger their leader. He grabbed his cup of coffee and took a big gulp, hoping the caffine was enough to get him hyper off it later to at least add entertainment in his life and toruture his younger sister. It sounded better then getting his text books for school, that was coming up in a few days, or it was tomorrow. Like he'd know and care.

Casey had short blonde hair with blue eyes. The way his t-shirt hang off of him with his goofy smile and holey jeans, you could tell right away that this was the joker of the group. The one who did the pranks. Jessie was his identiclly twin, literlly. The only thing different was that he had green eyes, not blue. He took after his brother, though was a little more mature. Derrik had short black hair with blue eyes, though his hair style could only be described as a “rooster head” since he had hair like the top of a rooster. Though, don't catch him saying that, or you'll find yourself in a bag and floating down the river in a matter of seconds! He was fairly attractive, with his tight leather black pants and tank top underneth his black leather jacket that had some animal skin surronding the hood on the then that, you could tell he was the serious one out of the group.

Last, but not least, was the playboy and leader of the gang, Jermy. Dashing smile, devilsh smirk, he was the most attractive of the group, ready to be at a lady's side if she was in need. His neatly comed brown hair with his deep blue eyes would make any lady swoom, if they just meet him. Jermy is known throughout his school, and their sister school to be the worst person to date in the world. He has adjendas set up for currently twenty girls he is seeing at the moment, all from different schools. He sits down and caculates when to date the girls with out the other girls finding out. It also helps with the fact that they go to different schools and makes it easier on him. Perfect boyfriend, huh?

Jermy unstraighten out his tie, grinning with malice as he untuck his shirt from his dressy pants.

“Well, since I am dateless, who's up for a friendly neighborhood geek beating?” he asked with a smirk.

The three of them immeaditly pitched in with a “Ah yes!” and a, “Sure, like I got anything to do.” from Derrik.

---

“So, uh, Mr...”

“Yamata. Orochimaru Yamata.” said an all too familer voice from a snakeish like man, “But please. Just Orochimaru.”

“Errrrr... Okay, Orochimaru... (what a weird name...) Here are your documents. From here on, your'll be a science teacher and home room teacher of class 108, here is the picture chart of your class.” said the principle handing Orochimaru his documents, eyeing Kabuto wearily, 'What is this, the maffia?'

“Thank your Principle, I can't wait... to teach class.” Orochimaru let out his snakish smile, sending shivers of fear, and digust down the principle's spine as snake man got up and headed out of the office.

“Well, that was easier then I thought.” said Orochimaru simply as he handed the papers to his lackey, “And here I thought it would be hard to obtain a job as a teacher. Yet, if you want more followers, the best way is to snatch them while they are young.” he let out an evilsh laugh that sounded like it should have come from some comicial villian.

“... Ummmm... Lord Orochimaru, if I may-”

“Quite Kabuto! Can't you see I'm basking in my own success?! Go crawl under a rock or something!” shouted the snake man, as he wave his hand away from him, sending the ninja off.

Kabuto sighed, and muttered about being underpaid as he walked off with a huge stack of papers. Alas, what the poor lackey was trying to point out was that they were still in the secertiy office and people were staring at him, from either fear or with thoughts of were to get that drug he has. Alas, who ever listens to poor Kabuto though? It's like Sasuke and the log... but that has nothing to do with this, does it? Different story, one I am not willing to explain... today at least.

“Now, off to the Snake Cave!” shouted Orochimaru as he threw down some smoke screen, for no apparent reason, and dashed away.

---

“Quitely... Quitely...” muttered Jermy as he carefully came into his bedroom from his window, hoping to not wake the sleeping terror that slept across the hallway of the room.

“Big... Brother...?” muttered a sleeply voice in the room.

Damn it. One woke up.

“Shhhh! Shhh! Katelyn! It's me!” hissed Jermy, putting his finger to his lips and looking at the door way panickly.

A sickly girl sat on the bottom of a bunk bed, her long brown hair sprawled infront of her white night gown in a tangled mess. She was the mirror imaged of her older brother, and seemed to be the same age. She lazily rubbed her tired eyes, coughing a bit, “Where were you? Auntie was looking for you... she was freaking out all day...”

“ 'Auntie' needs to keep to her own business.” said Jermy as he grinded his teeth and quitely shut the window.

“Big... Brother...? Where were you? Auntie was looking for you... she was freaking out all day...” said the girl again.

Jermy blinked a few times, and walked towards his younger sister, to get a closer look. Sure enough, her eyes were closed.

“She's sleep talking...” he muttered with a sweat drop, 'Was she trying to memorize what she was going to say to me when I came back? The scatter brain sweet heart...' he smiled as he tenderly patted the top of her head, Katelyn falling back down on the bed, her breathing becoming evenly again.

It was then, the lights flashed on, making him yelp by suprise and falling down on his back as he shut his eyes from reflexes. He reopen them to stare straight in the face of the most evil and sinister person you could ever meet. His Aunt. Her long blondish-brown hair was tied infront of her with a tie, wet though, indicating she just got out of the shower. She had on a kimono top, with a pair of sweat pants, which concluded that she did took a shower, since she always wears that when she is done, (she just wears a bath robe if she took a bath) her hands rested on her hips as her piercing, cold blue eyes glared down at him with such malice, it was enough to freak out Sesshomaru from Inuyasha.

“...” she hissed, a hint of “I'm-going-to-kill-you” in her tone of voice.

“Ehehehehehe... Let's take this out side...” said Jermy, laughing awarkdarly as he scrambled out of the door, his aunt following, yet making sure to close the door quitely while blowing the sleeping girl a good night kiss.

“How many times have I told you to not to come home past midnight! You know full well the curfew is ten!” shouted the women.

“Jeeze! I was just out with my friends! You're only freaking out because you had to entertain my sister by getting you butt kicked over and over on Naruto: Ultiment Ninja!” He hit the wound right on.

The women's eyebrow twitched as she grabbed the boy's collar and brought him close to face, and anger vein popping on her forehead, “I would hit you, if it wasn't illegal.”

“Like that would stop you...” muttered Jermy.

She dropped him, making him land on his butt on the ground and he began to scramble onto his feet.

“Well, since you are feeling like such a smart ass today, you'll have to clean the entire bath room, and scrub the floor, with a tooth brush.” said the women with malice, a crackling and evil arura behind her.

“What the hell?! Tiea, you can't-”

“I can, and I will! Now march your ass in there right now!” she screamed as she threw a bucket and a tooth brush at him that appeared out of no where.

'Where did this came from?!' thought Jermy.

Jermy was stuck throughout the rest of the night scrubbing both the kitchen and the bathroom floor until the wee hours of the morning, Tiea, his aunt, watching him like a hawk as he did so. Why he is doing the kitchen floor? He said a few remarks that pissed her off even more and doubled his work load as pay back. Ah... can't you feel the love in the air?

Next Day...

“Big Brother?” said the girl from last night, peeking out of the bedroom. Her voice was quite and unsure, as she slowly headed down stairs. She found Tiea on the couch, watching a movie, though she was already fast asleep. Katelyn turned her head towards the kitchen, and walked into it, coughing a bit and covering her mouth. Jermy laid sprawled out on the new, shinning, kitchen floor, loud snores coming out of his mouth.

“Big Brother...” she said, shaking him a bit, only to get no reaction.

She frowned a bit and got up. She came back a few seconds later with tissue. She began to roll up the tissue and shoved a wad in each nose nostrial and then covered his mouth with his hands. Wait for it... Wait for it...

“AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” he yelled, the wads of tissue falling out of his nose as he began to gasp for breath, his face a bit pale, “I swear at times, you and your cat are after me! Why did you did that?! You could have killed me!!!”

“But, Big Brother... that's the only way you'll wake up if your snoring... besides, don't you start school today? You're late.” stated the innocent girl, with water in her eyes as she shrink back a little from her brother's yelling.

Silence.

“SHIT!!! TIEA IS GOING TO BE PISS!!” he shouted as he dashed up stairs. Amazing what fear can do.

As he ran up stairs, panicking, Katelyn set out his school books and school bag she and Tiea went shopping for a few days ago, knowing he wouldn't pick them up. Jermy dashed down stairs, grabbing his bag at the kitchen table and kissed Katelyn quickly on the forehead and went out the door. A few seconds later, he came back and gave her a chibi hug while saying, “Awwwwww!! You're just too cute!” and kissed her again on the forehead and dashed off, leaving the little unnatural big eyed girl rubbing her eyes sleepliy and cuddling up with her aunt to sleep again.

“Man oh man oh man! If I'm late on the first day, I'll never hear the end of it! And I'll get more chores!” shouted Jermy, freaking out badly. We all know what drives him.

However, the young high schooler just can't shake off this shaky feeling in the back of his mind. One that was telling him something was terrible wrong. His Gaydar senses going off. For any of you who don't know, it's letting him know gay guys (no offense to gays and lez, I personally think they are cool) are around for him to beat. And it was going off like crazy the closer he got to school. What, you want to know what happens when it goes off?

“HAAAAAACHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” sneezed Jermy about the fiftith time as he approached the school. He rubbed his nose, feeling another one coming soon.

“Uh-oh, gaydar senses are going off.” said Jessie as he appeared next to Jermy.

“Yeah, and I'm picking up a major one coming from the school.” said Jermy with an evil grin, “Looks like we got a new punching bag!”

“I love my life!” said Casey with tears brimming in his eyes, who appeared right next to his older twin brother.

“You know, there is more to life then beating gay guys and picking up girls all the time...” said Derrik, who, like the other two, appeared out of no where.

Jermy looked at the three of them, a weird expression on his face, “Man, where in the world do you three spawn from? It's like you come out of a hole in the ground...” he muttered.

“EVERYONE!!! CLASS 108 HAS A NEW TEACHER!!! AND IT IS A BABE!!!” shouted some kid who was screaming at the top of his lungs and running around in front of the school, making sure everyone heard it.

“YESSSSSSSSSS!!!” shouted the four group of boys.

“Huba, huba, huba! Yes, a women! A teacher women! Man, I hope she has a nice rack!” said Jermy, grinning with perversity.

“A rack and a nice butt!” shouted Casey.

“Ooooooooh yeah!” crackled Jessie as he rubbed his hands, chuckling evily.

The group looked at each other, and immeaditly dashed off to their hoom rooms, wanting to “greet” their new teacher... It's like sending a pack of wolves on a innocent lamb...

At Class 108...

The class room was wild. It was nothing but screaming and shouting, graffitiee on the walls, nasty pictures hanging on the chalk board. The place was a mess! The desks were as cloose as they could get to the front of the classroom, the boys waiting eagerly for their new teacher.

“I get first dips on her!” shouted Jermy.

“That's not fair!! Jermy always gets dibs on the girls!” shouted a near by boy.

“Put a sock in it!” replied Jermy.

Near by the door, a group of students were setting a trap for the new teacher. The moment “she” came in, a huge fan would go off, making “her” skirt fly up wards for the whole world to see, while they take pictures with their cameras.

“Huba, huba, huba!!!” said the boys, snickering with nose bleeds while they imagened.

The door knob turned. All the students scramble to their desks, waiting intentlly, nose bleeds already sprouting. It happened in slow motion; the door slowly opened, triggering the trap. There was a blast of air as Orochimaru was sent flying out of the door and into the hallway wall, letting out a yelp of suprise (do snakes yelp?).

“...” Jermy stared at their “suppose” female teacher, “What the hell?!” he finally said, “The fricken' girl is a fag! Damnit Zack! Your bi-ness blinded your ablitly to tell the difference between a male and a female!!!”

“Awwwww man! Everybody! Move back!” yelled Casey.

There were groans from all of the students as they all in usion moved their desks to the back, making tons of noise as they did so.

“This wasn't the welcome I was suspecting...” muttered Orochimaru as he got up. In fact, it was quite the opposite. He was expecting them to all bow down to his greatness as he came in, worshipping him and calling him, “OROCHIMARU-SAMA!!! YOUR SO GREAT!!!” while they were all on all fours. But no. What he got, was a bunch of perverted high school boys (who happen to be the worst class in the school) and a bruise on his ass, which he'll regret later today when he works on new types of jutsu...

Orochimaru coughed a bit and grabbed his papers and went to the teachers desk in the classroom (which was covered in graffieti).

“Hello everyone,” he said in his creepy voice, that got everyone's attention immeaditly (more like they got scared, and confirmed their susupicions of him being gay), “I am Orochimaru Yamata, Proffesor Yamata if you please, or Yamata-sensei.”

A hand rose in the air. Orochimaru paused, and then said, “Yes?”

“We are all wondering... did you had a sex change?” asked the boy.

The entire class bursted up laughing, Jermy high fiving the boy who asked the question.

“Silence you maggots!” hissed Orochimaru, yet, it fall upon empty ears since they were all still laughing their asses off.

'Must... restrain... self... from... murder...' thought Orochimaru, his eyebrow twitching.

“By the way, what type of a name is “Oreomachi Yamato?” Are you Asian or just a special reject?” snickered Jermy.

Twitch. Oh, his plan on recruiting kids was out the window. He was going to murder them instead.

“We have three new foreign students I need to intorduce,” started Orochimaru, deciding to ignore them, “Hmmm... Sasuke Uchiha, Naruto Uzumaki, and Neji Hyuga, please enter the room.”

'What the hell are they doing here?!' thought Orochimaru as he looked at the paper and then at the door.

Jermy raised his eye brow as he saw a pupiless guy with white eyes (is that normal?), a kid with whiskers, and... a guy with a duck butt hair? Anyways, they entered the room. Pupiless guy had long hair, yet... he looked so manily with it... Does that still make him a fag?

“Jermy... that dude looks like a dude with long hair!” hissed Jessie to him.

“Yeah... that's the first.” replied Jermy back

“I'm Naruto Uzumaki! Number one nin-” blondie was silenced by duck butt who kicked him in the shins.

“I think I like duck butt.” said Jermy grinning as he pointed.

“Che, looks like an emo mommy's boy...” muttered Derrik.

“Shut it rooster head.”

“Uchiha. That's all you need to know.” replied Sasuke, a.k.a. Duck butt head.

“Neji Hyuga. Of the Hyuga Clan.” the last one said.

“Question!” said Casey, raising his hand, “Is it me, or are we just getting weird asian people today? First we got a fag, (Orochimaru: I am not a fag! . ) whisker kid, emo duck head, and pupiless guy. What's next? A sumo wrestler?”

Just then, a sumo wrestler fell from the school roof, crashing down to the third floor.

Silence...

“I SHALL USE THIS POWER FOR GOOD!!!”

“Hmmmm... looks like this school year might be intresting...” said Jermy with a smirk.

---

Author's Notes:

Yeah, it's probably not the funny yet. This is an attempt at humor. As of late, I've been writing nothing but depressing fics and I'm trying to snap out of that saga. This is my first Naruto fic, so please no flames. Yeah, most of the characters might be OOC excpet probably Naruto. I'm good and writing idiotic, lovable characters... lol.

Haven't you notice something werid about Orochimaru if you read Japanese legends? What I am about to explain where I got his last name. There was an eight headed serpant in Japanese legends called Yamata-no-Orochi who devoured nine maidens (or was it eight). The god Susano came along and slayed the beast and in one of it's heads, was the blade known as Kusanagi which is transulated into “grass blade” or something like that.

I notice that Orochimaru's blade was called something that deals with “grass cuter” and was kept in the snake's belly and the snake in Orochimaru's belly and found that ironic. I don't know why. Anyways, now you know where I got his name at.

Oreo Machi... hehehe. Sounds good. I wonder if it would taste good? Be better then a stawberry machi at least...

Yes, I have to admit, I kind of got this idea from Gokusen. The drama. I don't know how many of you know about it since it's not a kids show and nothing but kids watch Naruto, so you probably don't know about it. So don't look for it.