I don’t know whether you care, or whether anyone is even bothering to read this but I had to let it out, to let people know my story and why I made the choices I made and why I did what I did. My story goes like this…

I was seventeen, happy and starting my last year of school, everything was going as well and a seventeen year olds life can go. I was doing well in school and managed to get myself a good paid job! Things where looking up for me in comparison to the last year. Within a month of my new job I made a new friend called Tenten, she was amazing, funny, bubbly, always cheered me up and making me feel like I was worth something. Not long after I got myself a boyfriend. He was amazing his name was Sasuke he was tall thin and muscular, with dark hair and amazing eyes. He treated me like a princess and always made me feel loved and needed. He’d send me texts saying things like…

Night, night beautiful x mwah x

And

I wish you where here with me I miss you x mwah x

And I know it sounds corny and pathetic but it was the happiest I’ve felt before, he really, really made me … happy.

That’s where it all started to go to pot really, where my life that was so good and happy go down hill and made me feel like I was worthless and unloved, like I was a pile of crap someone was rubbing in the grass to wipe off the bottom of their shoe. It was December the month where people are happiest I mean come on Christmas was coming, lights where out, carollers where singing, people where buying presents for their loved ones, the snow was falling, it was beautiful. It’s meant to be the happiest time of year. Or so I thought before. Now all this month represents to me is the time when people leave. My friends in school Ino, Temari, and Hinata decided I wasn’t good enough anymore, that I didn’t spend enough time with them anymore to be considered a friend. I suppose if I wasn’t so naïve I would have noticed sooner. They where more distant with me for a while, shorter tempered and I just felt like I was invisible most of the time. They told me this on the last day of term before the Christmas holidays. This in its self made me break inside, I mean I knew Ino since we where kids, she knew everything about me, all the crap I’d gone through… everything.

But I looked on the bright side, I still had Sasuke and Tenten who made it alright, well not alright but bearable. They where the only two people I had left that I could turn to. But see that’s where my naivety kicked in again, I didn’t know where it came from or what I’d done to deserve it but Sasuke out of the blue, Sasuke dumped me. He said that he wasn’t in that place right now. That he wasn’t ready for a relationship quite yet. But we’d been going out a few months and everything seemed fine, if he wasn’t in that place then why go out with me for so long anyway? Why let me get so attached? So in love? Well I crumbled. I crumbled into a million peaces that where blown away with the wind. He was the one I was seriously beginning to love and all that we had been through and he did that. I wanted to know why, I needed to find out. I found my answer a day or so after he broke up with me. One of his friends Naruto that I had grown close to in work that tended to look after me when I needed the help took me home one day from work and told me what Sasuke told him. Apparently he was worried that he might hurt me. That he would eventually do something that would hurt me more than the pain he’d cause of dumping me. So he believed he did what was best. That’s when it clicked in my head, he knew that he would cheat on me sooner or later and by the suddenness of the break up he knew it would be sooner rather than later. So he had been temped while we where together, and didn’t want me to stand in the way of his fun that was it wasn’t it, that was what he was saying in a nicer less harsh way. That night I spent the night at Tenten’s house, I rang her to tell her what had happened and ended up crying, I tried my best to be strong and move on to not let the likes of him hurt me so much. But I couldn’t, he meant so much to be it hurt so much that I felt like I had been split in half and then one half of me disappeared.

I would have called Ino, she usually took care of me when stuff happened to upset me as much as this did. But I didn’t have her anymore. So I called Tenten and apologised but I had no one else to turn to, to help me, no one to keep me away from my thoughts and to keep me sane. That night I spent it curled up in Tenten’s bed, and she comforted me and I spilled everything in my heart out. The next morning I was lifeless, the crying I had done the night before had taken away all feeling, all happiness, all sadness… everything. Tenten and her boyfriend Neji tried to take care of me but all I did was make them worry. My family didn’t understand and called me stupid, said I shouldn’t have let it get this far. And I knew soon enough that I would loose Tenten too. Because she was only home with her family over the Christmas break, she’d be off again soon she’d leave with her boyfriend and I’d be alone again. But this time I’d have no one to fall back on.

No one to turn to…

No one at all…

New years eve Tenten took me out, she said it would do me good, that I needed to ‘let my hair down’ but I knew it was her way of saying good bye, because the next day she would leave to go back to her own home. Where she belonged. So I put on a brave face and went, I tried to enjoy myself and put on a brave face. I think I fooled her too. But that night I found out by Naruto that I was right, he rang me from a party that he and Sasuke where in and told me that he’d better warn me before I found out a nasty way but Sasuke had a new girlfriend, not a week after dumping me because he wasn’t ready, now he had a new girlfriend. So it wasn’t that he wasn’t ready, it was me after all… any last emotion I felt vanished, I was hollow, there was no better or no other way to describe it. That night I went home after my farewells and see you soon’s. And I realised something, I could make it stop. I could make all the pain go away. But I stopped myself I couldn’t do anything so stupid others will get hurt over me and I wasn’t prepared to do that.

That’s when I got the phone call, at 11:50 on new years eve… Sasuke called. He said that he was sorry but getting with me was a mistake and should never have happened, he said that he was with someone new and he was happy so I should be to. As he babbled tears streamed down my face. How could he? I LOVED HIM WITH EVERYTHING I HAD! … how could …he?

In the middle of his little speech I stopped him. Muttered my last words…

“Be happy then Sasuke… I… love… you… goodbye……” I hung up, he tried to ring back I suppose part of me wanted me to answer in hope that he’d say ‘I got it wrong it doesn’t feel right I want you! I love you!’ I never did answer that phone, there was no point, I knew what he wanted to say, I knew I wouldn’t get that silly little dream… I knew. So that night, the last night of 2007 I walked to the top of hokage mountain, I wrote a small letter to my family saying.

I’m sorry if I caused you pain, but I couldn’t take anymore, what is a life worth living when your so alone? Please don’t feel any guilt mum, dad. It wasn’t you. I’m messed up, I’m worthless. So please… for me… one last request… move on… live happy… I’m finally free of this pain... finally free.

I stuffed it in my pocked knowing they’d find it when they found me. I looked down at my town, I saw everyone, happy in the festival, dancing and getting ready for the count down… as they chanted ‘10’ I walked to the edge… ‘9’, ‘8’, ‘7’, ‘6’, ‘5’, ‘4’, ‘3’, ‘2’, it was like they where counting down for me, so that I wouldn’t have to think about anything… ‘1’

And I fell…

The next day they found me crumpled like my heart, they found the note, I was there watching, in spirit. But I felt no pain, not excruciating agony that I felt. I was blank. But I watched for a while, made sure that the moved on before I left. Sasuke blamed himself at first, my mum and dad did too. Tenten didn’t find out for a while until she came back to visit and was devastated, she’d stormed round Sasuke’s and slapped him yelling blue murder. Neji had to restrain her. If I could feel I suppose I’d feel terrible but I couldn’t all emotion was gone like I’d wanted. My funeral was depressing. I stood there, though no one could see me, I watched my family cry, I watched as Sasuke snuck up to be there knowing that my family wouldn’t allow him to be there if they knew.

A few months had passed and I found out that I could enter people’s dreams, no one had moved on yet and I was growing weaker needing to move on. So I decided that would be my last act. First were my parents. I entered both their dreams, told them I was ok that they would move on because I was ok, that it was hurting me more seeing them upset. I told them to stop blaming Sasuke because he didn’t push me off the cliff that I was the one to jump. I told them I loved them and said my goodbye’s. Next was Tenten, I told her the same to move on and be happy with Neji and that she was a great help to me that I was thankful for her. Then my final act was Sasuke, I told him to go and be happy like he wanted all along. To make sure he treats the next girl with all the love and care she deserves. I told him I loved him still and said goodbye.

I stuck around for another month or so. Mum and dad where doing their best to get by and move on like I asked. Tented had some great news, she was going to be a mum! Of a little baby girl by next Christmas. Her and Neji both decided to call the baby Sakura. I was honoured.

Sasuke was getting back on his feet, though slowly. I suppose he would move on eventually.

I’d made my peace and the light was calling me. I said my final goodbyes though no one could hear me… and I was gone…

I watch over them now though not the same as before, but I’m finally happy.