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Author of 13 Stories |
Disclaimer: If I owned Tsubasa, this fiction would've happened.
A/N: This is something I've been writing since winter break started. I rather like it, so I hope you enjoy it, too.
No ‘family’ should have to go through this.
An selfless ninja, a soulless princess. A magician without magic, a boy without a heart. Dreams of a future unspeakable and all the factors of destiny against them. Even the vilest of sinners didn’t deserve a Hell such as this.
No one deserved a Hell such as this.
For months before they’d been made of glass - all of them, each in their own distinct manner. Be it in the feeble smiles they all wore for each other’s benefit or, perhaps, in the insurmountable loneliness that spread throughout. In those dark times, no one could define happiness because no one could experience happiness. Such an emotion emerged only in the form of those crystalline memories that lingered at the edges of their minds - fragile remembrances of the times before those events in Tokyo.
The catastrophes suffered in that god-forsaken country had led only to more, each a link soldered into a seemingly unbreakable chain. Tragedy after tragedy, each surpassing it’s predecessor in the most painful way, carving fresh nightmares into their subconscious minds and disrupting the peace beget by sweet slumber.
“Please, Kuro-sama. . . Please. . .forgive me.”
Fai’s voice was almost feeble as he spoke softly to the dying man in his arms, begging forgiveness that he knew he didn’t deserve through vision blurred by salty tears. This wasn’t the time, no, not at all, but if Kurogane really was dying - though God forbid - he didn’t want the man to slip away before he had been absolved. For nearly four months Fai had been a heartless bastard to the ninja - all because the man had chosen to give him life. Because he had cared enough to keep him from throwing it away.
He’d relied on Kurogane as nothing more than a life line since the events in Tokyo - and only weakly at that. He fed only when necessary, which was most generally one pathetically small excuse for a meal each week. At all other times, Fai remained as close to the Princess and as far away from Kurogane as possible. This worked well for both of them, really, as “Syaoran” - whom Sakura was trying to avoid at all costs - most generally kept company with the one he, himself, was trying to avoid. After what Kurogane had done to save his pathetic excuse for an existence, he’d become determined to sever each and every tie he had with the ninja. He’d gotten much too close to him in the passing months - the man’s sacrifice had more than proved that to Fai. Only one night before the incident, he had told the ninja that he didn’t want to hurt anyone by his involvement with them. He’d let it go on long enough.
He could never say that it wasn’t difficult, because it was. It was difficult in every manner. So painfully difficult that he’d actually broken down once or twice in the middle of the night. Oh, God, it was difficult because he didn’t want to hate Kurogane, but what he’d done was inexcusable. Because when a man is ready to give up and die, you really should just butt the hell out.
Fai bit back a cry of remorse at his own selfish thoughts as he tried to suppress the larger man’s wound with the sleeve of his robe, resulting only in the ninja shrinking back in pain. It didn’t do much good. Although the bleeding had slowed considerably, within moments it had soaked through and the magician was switching sleeves, making another compress. Kurogane’s crimson eyes were half closed as they stared up, boring into his single, wavering sapphire one with a misplaced weakness. Misplaced because Fai had always perceived him as something indestructible - to see him like this, so weak and helpless. . .
It was absolutely terrifying.
Fai hadn’t expected him to remain conscious this long. Kurogane had lost too much blood, his weariness was growing by the second. It took an inhuman amount of strength to retain such endurance. They’d arrived in the new world only moments ago, but the wounded man had managed to remain awake for the entire transition between, eyes burning with an odd mixture alarm and resolve.
Fai didn’t think that he would ever understand Kurogane’s resolve. It had always been the one thing that never wavered, the one aspect of the ninja that hadn’t changed over all their time spent together. Alarm was something new to behold in that crimson gaze, but, at the same time, something blameless. Kurogane was staring into the face of death itself.
Fai’s heart ached knowing that it had all been for him.
His frozen fingertips brushed the dark hair from Kurogane’s eyes as he continued using his now bundled coat as a compress. The ninja’s eyes were falling closed slowly but surely, his gaze set far away and his head lolling to one side. Fai could easily see that he was desperately clinging to consciousness. And when the man’s unnaturally pale lips began to move weakly and soft words escaped them, he knew why.
“Forgiven. . .F. . .Fai.”
Tears ran like a river from his eye, dripping from his chin to spot the bloodstained fabric covering the ninja’s chest. In that moment, it took all he had not to let his jaw drop in shock - all the restraint in the world to keep from breaking into mixed sobs of relief and anxiety. Forgiven - surely this would be the sweetest kind of euphoria were the one he cared for most not dying in his arms.
Kurogane coughed a little - a strangled sound - and his eyes fell closed to lift away his consciousness, offering in its place sweet slumber.
And despite the unmistakable look of peace that had washed over his features, this was probably the most disconcerting of all actions. As long as Kurogane remained awake Fai knew that he was alive. But like this… he’d have to keep a vigilant watch on the larger man’s breathing.
The anxious sobbing that ensued was near inevitable. It startled Syaoran and Mokona so greatly that they had rested the cold, lifeless body of the Princess on the ground and were at the ninja’s side in a matter of seconds, anticipating the worst. Through blurred vision he could see the boy heave a sigh of relief as he noted the ever-so-faint rising and falling of the man’s chest.
“Fai-san. . .”
Fai barely heard Syaoran speak over the fearful sobs reverberating from his chest. The boy was at a loss for words - and why not? What could possibly be expected of him in a situation such as this?
The sound of approaching horse hooves alarmed Fai at once. His head snapped up and he watched as a large group of people, presumably soldiers, drew closer.
“Go, go, go!” Fai couldn’t have recognized the female voice commanding the many men if he had been fully aware at the time. It was strong and leader like, as if it had been dishing out orders for years on end. When he saw the face that Kurogane had recognized as “Souma” so very many times, his hope sparked. If this was the Souma, the one from Kurogane’s home world, then perhaps they were saved. “Get him back to Shirasagi castle immediately!”
Fai watched, almost dumbfounded, as several masked men were suddenly clambering over and sliding their means of carrying the ninja beneath his still form. Within moments they were hauling him away, toward a cart that would presumably carry his body to the aforementioned palace. Fai cried out in fear at this prospect because, regardless of the fact that Kurogane would finally get some real medical treatment, if he still managed to die, then Fai wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he wasn’t at the ninja’s side. It was the absolute least he could do for him.
The tears came a little more quickly at that thought. There just wasn’t any winning, was there?
“Don’t worry,” a soft, reassuring hand touched to his face and he turned his gaze up, eye widening when he saw the vaguely familiar face of the Princess Tomoyo.
So then, they had finally reached Nihon country, hadn’t they? Kurogane was home. His wish had been granted.
So why didn’t that comfort Fai in the slightest?
“Kurogane will not die.”
His eye widened in shock and relief flooded through him in such a way that he would have collapsed were he not on his knees already. The ninja placed a great amount of respect and trust in his Princess and, despite knowing her only vaguely, Fai couldn’t help but do the same. Kurogane was going to live.
He was definitely going to live.
Oh God, please let him live.
“Come.” Tomoyo’s voice was gentle as she took his hand in her own and helped him to rise meagerly from his knees. She turned her gaze to Syaoran whom was cradling Sakura’s body gently, a weeping Mokona balanced on his head. “You all are welcome to stay at the palace.”
As wonderful as the offer sounded, Fai knew what he needed to do.
“Tomoyo-hime,” Fai spoke her name weakly and peered over at the men placing Kurogane’s body on the cart before voicing his one and only request. “Please, let me go with him.”
She was silent, as if to consider something very important. He was fearful for a moment, absolutely terrified that she would deny his wishes. But eventually her pale pink lips curved up in a delicate smile and she nodded. “Very well then.”
Fai had struggled to keep awake through the eve’s entirety, watching from a safe distance as healers worked desperately to save his favorite ninja. On a few select occasions they told him that he really didn’t need to stay, that Kurogane would be fine, but he didn’t listen. Until he was absolutely certain that they’d stabilized the man, he would remain.
And he did remain until it was nearly dawn and he finally heard the words he’d been waiting for.
“Everything is well again. Kurogane-san is just fine,” the woman had wiped the sweat from her brow, “You can see him if you want, but he isn’t going to wake for several hours.”
“Thank you.” Fai stood up awkwardly and took slow, ginger steps as he entered the now quiet room, a tiny smile curving his lips as his eye came upon the sleeping man.
Bandages stretched across his torso, wrapping flawlessly around the hollow where his arm should be, and his skin was a little pale, but all in all, everything seemed intact. The magician heaved a sigh of relief and knelt down beside him, taking the ninja’s darker, calloused fingers in his own pale ones.
Warmth.
For the first time in months, the magician’s lips curved up in a real, God honest - if a little sad - smile.
He brushed the dark locks from Kurogane’s forehead and, in their place, touched his lips there ever-so-gently.
“Sweet dreams.”
Fai had been pacing nervously back and forth outside the ninja’s door throughout his conversation with Tomoyo, running a practiced apology his head before he’d actually have to say it. He’d woken a couple of hours prior, taking time to bathe and have his own wounds treated after eleven hours of dreamless sleep. There had been no end to his edginess since waking until this moment. It comforting to hear Kurogane’s gruff voice reverberating from the other side of the door, filled to the brim with the same sense of annoyance it always possessed. Fai was able to cherish that much.
It was something that had stayed the same - even with all the drastic changes around it.
He took a deep breath, drumming his fingers against his stomach in anticipation. He and Tomoyo had been speaking for about fifteen minutes, but it sounded as if the conversation between the ninja and his princess was drawing to a close. Unable to fight off the feeling any longer, he reached his hand shakily for the door, letting his fingers linger there for only a moment before sliding it open.
“Sorry to have kept you waiting,” Princess Tomoyo bowed her head in apology, clasping her small hands in front of her, “Please, step inside.”
Kurogane’s gaze turned immediately to Fai as he padded softly into the room and the sudden wave of uneasiness tugged his lips down into a frown. He stopped at the man’s bedside, suddenly feeling tense.
“Hey.”
They shared a long, meaningful look and the ninja’s lips pulled up to counter his almost-scowl with a small half-smile. The smug bastard. And despite everything he’d planned, he found himself taking a swing at his friend’s head, sending him flying back into the curtains behind him with a look of pure astonishment in his eyes.
“This is payback,” Fai held his fist in front of him in a semi-teasing manner, grinning slightly, “Kuro-sama.”
His eyebrows pulled together and he smirked, “You bastard, I’ll beat you up!”
Princess Tomoyo giggled, giving Fai a quick look before excusing herself from the room, “I’m sure you two would like to speak alone.”
Fai listened for a moment, waiting for the sound of the door sliding shut, and once granted with said noise, took a seat at the opposite end of Kurogane’s bed. He turned his focus to the polished floor for a moment, quite unsure of where to start and mentally cursing himself when he realized half of his apology had been lost in the recesses of his mind. His single blue eye peered at the ninja, only to find that Kurogane was looking right back at him. Upon being caught in the act, the ninja blushed furiously and looked away. Fai’s stomach tingled with nervousness.
He needed to speak, dammit.
“Why?”
His head snapped up to face the source of the question, a little unsure of what Kurogane was talking about, “Why, what?”
“You’re back to the nicknames,” he stated blatantly, awkwardly angling himself so that he could face the magician, “Why?”
Fai hadn’t even realized it until Kurogane brought it up, actually. But he was, wasn’t he? From Acid Tokyo onwards he had called the man by his real name, severing that bond also. He’d managed to keep it up, too, until he’d been sputtering out his apology to the ninja before the man lost consciousness. It was something he’d done subconsciously after brining an end to his hostility toward Kurogane.
But now wasn’t the time to be considering such things.
“It’s because I’m sorry,” Fai admitted. “I’m sorry for everything. I’ve treated you terribly for months on end, all because you didn’t want me to throw my life away. I was ready to give up in Tokyo and you wouldn’t let me do it.” He pulled in a deep breath and Kurogane remained stoic, “You cared enough to make the sacrifice to save me and I held that against you. I held it against you because I felt like you were getting too close to me and I was deathly afraid of that. I didn’t want you to care about me for fear of you getting hurt.” He raised a hand gently to his chest, a few tears threatening to fall as they brimmed his eyes, “I wanted to avoid causing you any pain, but. . . In Infinity, that was all that I was doing, wasn’t it?” He raised his watery gaze to the crimson eyes before him and he could see in their depths that he was right, “My avoiding you, all my cruelty, even when I did speak to you my words were harsh and cold. I was being selfish.” Fai’s tears finally started rolling down his ashen cheeks and he scrubbed at them with the back of his hand. “But if only you knew how hard it was for me to do! It was so painful and I hated every minute of it. You’d given up so much for me and I didn’t deserve any of it! I couldn’t bring myself to forgive you for making those sacrifices. But…”
He was suddenly lost for words and he felt Kurogane’s rough fingers snapping his chin upward to meet his gaze. “You need to stop blaming yourself for other people’s decisions.” Fai’s was taken aback by the stern look the ninja was giving him. “The sacrifices I made, both in Tokyo and in your world, they were all of my own.”
And there in lay what Fai didn’t understand. Why did he matter so much to Kurogane? He had been absolutely certain the ninja hated him from the beginning - even as it lessened over time. Kurogane cared for him as a comrade, but he couldn’t understand the depth of that comradeship. Why was the man so willing to slice off an arm just to save him?
There was a long, uncomfortable silence as Fai considered this and wiped at his tears again, voicing his thoughts, “I’ll never understand why you made those choices.”
“You’re an idiot!” Kurogane cried, eyes narrowing as his hand came to rest upon the magician’s shoulder, “I made those sacrifices to keep you with me, dammit. You’re not something I’m just going to throw away.”
The ninja sighed and his gaze softened considerably, leaving Fai’s eye to simply widened in response as he felt Kurogane’s fingers trace along his thin shoulder and up his neck to gently cup his cheek. He ran his thumb just below Fai’s eye patch and then brought it to a stop. A pink tinge flashed across both faces.
“I only ever asked for the truth,” he said in a manner so gentle that Fai couldn’t really believe that he was hearing it, “You’ve given that to me, finally.”
Fai tugged gently at Kurogane’s empty sleeve and gazed up at him, lips pulling upward in a small, sad smile, “No regrets?”
The ninja simply shook his head, smiling his own smile as his arm came around Fai’s shoulder to embrace him. He let his fingers thread into the golden locks at the back of Fai’s head, pressing it to his chest. A bit shocked by the sudden action, Fai found himself unmoving. It suddenly became clear that Kurogane’s feelings were a bit stronger than he’d assumed. Perhaps they even matched the degree of Fai’s own. With this in mind he eventually nuzzled against the man’s chest, closing his eyes as Kurogane’s hand drifted to the small of his back.
And so it was done. All was forgiven, all was right again. Fai marveled at the simplicity of the moment and tilted his head up so that he could see Kurogane’s face more clearly. The ninja’s smile was small and gentle - a simple expression of peace and contentment.
“I’m happy.” Fai said, the emotion clear in his voice.
He felt Kurogane’s chest vibrate with laughter as the man tilted his head down to touch his lips tenderly against Fai’s.
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