It is frustrating to keep finding that what seems like a perfectly accceptable length in Word turns out to be shorter and shorter when I post it in here. Never mind.

For those of you who are interested, my new avi is the real Boris.

Nine Lives by Sinvisigoth

Chapter Nine

Cogs turned. Rusted and disused gears clanked and rattled as my mental processes mimed a fair approximation of basic reasoning and ambled toward a terrible conclusion.

It all fell into place with alarming clarity.

“It was a date.” I muttered to myself. The music, the lap, the…gag?

“That was a frigging date?!” I turned my wrath towards Pecs. “What the fuck asshole?!”

He growled at me.

“Don’t take that tone with me.” I was mortified that I growled in much the same way as a dormouse roars. “ You imprisoned, mocked and…ermmm…mocked me! All for the sake of taking me on a date to the karaoke bar at the end of the universe! WHY!?!”

Pecs smirked like a young, green, Brad Pitt and made impressive cupping motions in front of his chest.

“Ah. Well, yes. They are” I glanced downward “rather spectacular. But that’s no excuse!” I pointed my finger at him in what I hoped was a malevolent and dangerous manner. The fact that he was pointing back at me with a genital cathedral nullified my efforts somewhat. If he expected me to be worshipping it any time soon he was going to be sorely disappointed.

I cursed my encyclopaedic brain for instantly dredging up all possible meanings of the word ‘sore’ at this point. I thought it was something of an understatement, anyway; ‘death by willy’ seemed far more apt.

I tried to ignore the fact that Boris, multitasking with military precision as he snorkelled in his fluffy bits, was humming a lusty rendition of ‘I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts’. He looked up at me for a second with an unexpectedly compassionate expression.

Don’t worry, Mum. Everything’ll be OK.

“Thanks , babe. I appreciate that.”

He continued to stare at me, fighting some kind of internal battle and eventually losing the ability to keep a straight face.

Um. Actually…I was just trying to butter you up so I could have your bacon collection in case he dumps you out the airlock when he’s finished.

“You exist in a total moral vacuum, don’t you?”

I’m a lying little bastard. I know that. But who else is gonna sit on your head while you’re asleep and fend off the evil hoards of creepy crawlies?

“You have a point. It’s an evil and sociopathic point, but a point nonetheless. Have you thought about politics?”

Well, it is the second oldest profession in the world. But it resembles the first far too closely for my comfort. If I were to give up my life of leisure for any vocation it would probably be as a gangsta rapper.

“?”

I like big butts.

“If that was aimed at me I think it was a little below the belt.”

Of course it was. Above the belt and you’re talking one motherfucker of a muffintop.

I calmly picked him up and shoved him headfirst down the codpiece hanging from the wall beside us.

Whurrp. UM! MM hrry! Ll shup uh prms!

I smiled serenely and turned back to the large flesh hydrant sitting on the bed. Time to apply my advanced and powerful brain to the problem at hand.

For some reason my advanced and powerful mind refused to stop looping the pottery scene from Ghost.