Dora Shepard the Uncharted World Explorer

A parody crossover nonsense by Mister Buch

(The scene opens on a lush, green, two-dimensional alien world. Next to their lunar rover are COMMANDER DORA SHEPARD and her irritating, excitable sidekick ASH. They address the audience.)

DORA: Hi! I’m Dora, and this is frighteningly racist best friend Ash! Today we’re on an uncharted world! My friend Admiral Hacket wants us to find an asari research station and then kill everyone inside.

ASH: Take no prisoners! Take no prisoners! Kill the aliens!

DORA: (laughing) Relax, Ash!

ASH (laughs) Sorry Dora!

DORA: But we don’t know where to go. We’ll need to ask the map. You have to say “map!”

ASH(excited): Say “map”! Say “map”!

DORA: Shut up, Ash. I already told them to say “map.”

(Pause for the audience to say “map”.)

(The MAP appears on screen. It is a blue and black electronic map with little X’s here and there. It has a face. To everyone’s horror, it starts singing.)

MAP (singing): If you really need to know where to point your new Mako – I’m the map!

If you want to find debris then you only need ask me – I’m the map!

I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map I’m the map!

I’m the MAP!

MAP: Hi! Does Dora need help finding her way to the asari research station?

(Pause)

MAP: Okay! I’ll tell you how to get there and you tell Dora and Ash! Are you ready? First you have to find the crashed probe! Then you have to drive up the unnecessarily steep mountain! Then you’ll come to the heavily fortified asari research station.

(As the MAP lists the locations they are highlighted on-screen.)

MAP: So that’s… crashed probe – steep mountain – research station! (indulgently) Say it with me! Probe – mountain – station! Great work!

(The map vanishes and the audience heaves a sigh of relief.)

DORA: Did you find out how to get to the research station?

(Pause.)

DORA: Thanks! So that’s… crashed probe – steep mountain – research station!

ASH: Let’s go! Let’s go!

DORA: All right!

(They climb into the Mako and drive toward the crashed probe, while singing annoyingly. Eventually they get out. Next to the crashed probe we see KAIDEN ALENKO. He waves.)

ALENKO: Hola, Dora! Hola Ash!

DORA: Hola, senor Alenko!

(Suddenly a squad of geth appears from behind the probe.)

DORA: Oh no! It’s a trap!

ALENKO: Ay caramba!

(The geth open fire, forcing DORA and her party to hide along crate. DORA tries to shoot at the geth from a vantage point, but can’t. ALENKO and ASH are perched at either end of the crate, making it impossible for DORA to fire.)

DORA: Oh no! Alenko has taken cover just where I wanted to be, and now I’m getting shot! He has terrible artificial intelligence because he’s an L2. We need Alenko to get out of the way. But he only speaks Spanish, so we have to tell him in Spanish! Say, “vamanos, Alenko!”

DORA and ASH: Vamanos, Alenko! Vamanos, Alenko! Vamanos, Alenko!

(ALENKO understands and finally gets the hell out of the way. Soon all the geth lie dead.)

DORA: Phew! That was hard work. Thanks again – we couldn’t have done it without you.

ASH: Thanks! Bye Alenko!

ALENKO: Adios, amigos!

ASH: Wow, Dora! This parody author really doesn’t speak any Spanish, does he?

DORA: I don’t know what you’re talking about. C’mon – let’s find the unnecessarily steep mountain!

(They leave ALENKO and enter the Mako again. They talk as they drive away.)

DORA: We need your help again! We’re collecting things! If you see any rare minerals on the ground, say “rare minerals”!

ASH: And if you see any turian inignias or the matriarch’s writings, or Prothean data discs or keepers, tell us! Maybe we can collect all of them!

DORA: And we’re also collecting pointless collection quests!

(They drive right past a huge pile of solid gold, lying in the grass for some reason. After a pause, the Mako stops. DORA and ASH get out.)

DORA: Did you say “rare minerals?”

(Pause.)

DORA: You did? Where are they?

(Pause. The pile of gold is right behind them.)

DORA: Did you say, “Right behind us?”

(DORA turns around.)

DORA: There it is! Let’s put a flashing marker next to it and leave it there.

ASH: Good idea Dora!

(They do so, and continue on to the steep mountain. They start singing again.)

(Soon they arrive at the foot of the steep mountain. We hear DORA and ASH’s voices from inside the Mako as they attempt to drive up the steep rock face.)

DORA: Woah! This mountain is really steep!

ASH: Is there another way around?

DORA: Yes, but it’ll take too long to find that way! We have to go over this sheer mountain.

ASH (excitedly): Use the jump jets! Use the jump jets!

DORA: No, Ash! That’ll just push us further down the mountain wall. Man, those jump jets are useless.

(They keep trying to climb the mountain, but end up slipping slowly further down, the tyres losing their grip.)

DORA (to audience): We need your help again! For some reason the only way to climb this wall is to slowly swerve left and right. You need to help us shout “left!” and “right!” so that we can turn!

DORA and ASH: Left!

(The Mako begins swerving to the left.)

DORA and ASH: Right!

(The Mako begins swerving to the right.)

(Hours pass. Eventually the Mako makes its way to the summit of the mountain.)

DORA: We did it! That certainly wasn’t frustrating or meaningless! Thanks for your help!

(They triumphantly drive back down, playing around with the jump jets to pass the time. When they reach the bottom we see they are close to the asari research station. DORA and ASH are singing. Again.)

DORA (singing): …Everybody, let’s go!

ASH (singing): Come on, let’s get to it.

DORA and ASH (singing): I know that we can do it!

ASH (singing): Where are we going?

DORA and ASH (singing): Research station!

ASH (singing): Where are we going?

DORA and ASH (singing): Research station!

ASH (singing): Where are we going?

(On the horizon we see SAREN. They stop singing and get out of the Mako.)

DORA (to audience): Can you see Saren?

(Pause.)

ASH: Where is he? Where is he?

(Pause.)

DORA: There he is! Saren might try to swipe our Prothean beacons! You have to say “Saren, no swiping!”

(SAREN creeps up to DORA and ASH, not realising they have noticed him.)

DORA and ASH: Saren, no swiping! Saren, no swiping! Saren, no swiping!

(SAREN clicks his fingers in annoyance.)

SAREN: Aw, man!

(SAREN leaves.)

DORA: Great work taking care of Saren! He won’t be getting away with any more massacres of human colonies!

ASH: Yeah! Scummy alien!

(They approach the asari station.)

DORA: All right! We’re getting close to the station! Now all we need to do is take care of the perimeter defences.

(The defences are considerable. A series of turret towers, snipers and asari commandos hurl various unpleasant things at DORA and ASH, who do not notice because they are facing away from them, toward the camera.)

DORA: Can you see the asari station?

(Pause. During this time DORA and ASH’s shields are quickly depleted. Their health begins to drop.)

DORA: You can? Great!

(She turns around.)

DORA: There it is!

ASH: Dora! Dora! We need medi-gel!

DORA: You’re right! We need to look in my backpack. You have to say “backpack.”

(Pause. After a moment the BACKPACK appears and sings a song.)

BACKPACK (singing): Backpack, backpack! Backpack, backpack!

If you want to use upgrades or choose a better gun

I will try to help you – we will have a lot of fun!

(The BACKPACK is surrounded by various weapons, upgrades and suits of armour. Among them is a capsule of medi-gel.)

BACKPACK: It looks like Dora needs some medi-gel, quickly!

DORA: As quickly as you can, please, mister Backpack! I’ve already used my “shield boost” ability!

BACKPACK (to audience): Okay! You’ll have to help me pick out the medi-gel from all these items!

(The BACKPACK looks at a high-powered sniper rifle.)

BACKPACK: Is that the medi-gel? (Pause.) No – that’s not medi-gel!

(The BACKPACK looks at another item.)

BACKPACK: Is this the medi-gel? (Pause.) No – that’s a fusion grenade!

DORA: Please hurry! Ash has almost no health!

BACKPACK: Is this the medi-gel? (Pause.) Yes! That’s the medi-gel! Now you give it to…

DORA: Uh-oh! Ash is dead!

BACKPACK: Sorry. I just really enjoy the preamble…

(DORA takes the medi-gel, heals herself and finishes off the guards. After a moment, ASH stands up uneasily and administers some medi-gel herself.)

ASH: Wow! My terminal gunshot wounds have instantly healed!

DORA: That was close! But here we are at the base! And we couldn’t have done it without all your help!

ASH: All right! We did it!

(DORA and ASH begin singing.)

DORA and ASH (singing): We did it! We did it! We did it – yeah!

DORA (singing): We did it!

ASH (singing): We drove up a mountain and we found some gold!

DORA and ASH (singing): We did it!

DORA (singing): We healed Ash even though her body was cold!

DORA and ASH (singing): We did it! We did it!

(The screen blacks out, and is replaced by a scene of DORA and ASH back on the Normandy, dressed in blue t-shits and combat pants. As ever, they address the audience.)

DORA: We had lots of fun on that uncharted world today! And Admiral Hacket was very happy. My favourite part was when our Spanish friend Alenko helped us fight back the geth! What was your favourite part?

ASH: My favourite part was when we killed those damn aliens! They’re less than human! They’re taking all our jobs!

(Long pause.)

DORA: I liked that too.

DORA and ASH: See you next time!