A/N:: This is my first fan fiction that I’ve uploaded here. Please read and, if you wish, reviews are lovely and greatly appreciated. This is, of course, after Paige and Alex’s breakup [ their first one. . I hope you like it, I tried my best and am not one hundred percent used to writing fan fiction. Thanks for any crits or reviews.

Drowning in the -Memories-

Her entire body shook. Everything she knew was blurring away -- her safety, her surety - everything. All of it was crumbling before her, with this female that stood in front of her, returning her gaze as softly as the she was giving hers. Her safety net was beginning to diminish as she was stepping out from everything she’d always known, and loved, and stayed secured in -- but that wasn’t necessarily all that bad.

Was it..? She felt the black haired girl’s long and slender fingers gently brush against her sides as they stood there in the solemn silence. The blonde took her own hands and lifted them up to the other’s shoulders. It was one moment but it seemed like it could’ve lasted in hours.

Until she woke up. She shook her head from side to side, the memories of Alex never fading away. The way that she had once looked to her, what they once had… It was like an aching to the back of her mind. Like a wide spread headache banging to the sides of her skull and never ceasing in its loud thumping pangs. The nagging thoughts, desires, and regrets that had never left her digging at her sides like a rabid animal’s talons. Digging in deep and leaving a lasting mark. One that would forever stay scarred there -- one that she would and could look back to and remember all that she’d lost. Everything that she’d once had. Even years from then, when she was finally starting to forget, she’d see it. And suddenly all of those unpleasant memories and thoughts would come pouring back in.

Every time that sensation left her, a new one was implanted. The sensation of questions, of the striving for desire, of the constant nagging thoughts of what ifs this had happened instead of that, and what if that was said instead of this..? The thoughts of the one girl that she had once thought that she’d loved was nagging her bad in the back of her mind. It had been too good to be true, she’d known. The way that she had felt about this girl -- feeling more special than she had with any man, feeling like she’d known herself for the first time in years -- stepping outside of her safety net and exploring new heights… Losing Alex was the worst thing that Paige could think of right now. Yet coincidentally it seemed to be the only thing that she couldn’t keep out of her mind.

Stress was creeping up on her slowly, but regret was much faster. What had she done to lose this girl..? She knew that good things never did and couldn’t last forever, no matter how horribly cliché that it sounded it was one hundred percent true, but there was always that hope in the back of the mind that made you believe it.

Well damn that voice, then. Damn that hope. Damn that false bitter feeling that always came after the hope had left. The defeat of something -- of yourself. Diminishing slowly into the depths of your soul, always there to make you remember. To re-play those little moments, those little tidbits in time that had meant nothing to you then, but meant the world to you now but only after they’re gone. And you cling to them so hopelessly. Wishing and just begging for them to become a reality yet it’s all slipped right through your fingers.

When would it stop..? -The realization that time didn’t stop to let you catch up, that you couldn’t go back in time to correct what you wished would’ve never happened, and the fact that what you’ve lost doesn’t magically return to your side…

She emerged from her bed; her leg muscles stretching as she lifted up her arms and let herself gently tuck a few strands of hair behind her ear so subtly. She didn’t want to think about it anymore. She didn’t want to regret yelling at her anymore, and she didn’t want to regret losing her most of all. Weren’t memories supposed to fade after time anyway..? Maybe she should just give it time. Or maybe she should’ve just given the argument time. The relationship time -- or maybe even her feelings time. If she hadn’t rushed into it -- if she could’ve let herself doubt her feelings for this girl -- this female, maybe she could’ve spared herself this obvious distress.

She could’ve given herself a bit longer to process through the feelings and realize what she was getting into before becoming further attracted. But deep down she knew that it wouldn’t have made a difference. She was a lesbian -- or perchance she just thought that she was..? Maybe what had happened was all a lie. Or maybe she had just been too naïve to know.

It was then that she exhaled a large amount of breath and ran her fingers lightly through her hair, from her forehead to as far back as she could reach, smoothing out a few tangles as she went through. And then that girl -- Alex had been her deemed name, her gorgeous flowing name -- it was then that Alex’s brown eyes flashed before Paige’s own again, and she shut her own eyes tighter, clenching her fists, fingers digging into palms [ now having returned back to her side. .

She needed to forget. She didn’t want to remember anymore. She didn’t want to wonder what could’ve happened if she had taken a different approach. What was done was done; she just couldn’t deal with it. The great pain that ached and acted as though it was a pit in her stomach made her wince.

Did Alex in return have the same regrets as she did..? Was Alex also waking up everyday, remembering dreams and remembering the scenes of the past in bits and pieces, the aching realization of regret sinking in with every waking moment of every day?? And even when it seems impossible that the pain and lament could amount to even more, it expands so that it’s possible for it to sink in harder..?

Her mind thought back to all of everything that they’d ever spoke to each other; each kiss; each gentle physical quality that Alex had held; every attraction that they’d once had; every soft motion that had held so much promise of a lasting relationship… Was it possible to grieve this much and be the own soul cause of your own suffering..? Was it possible to regret a decision so intensely -- and have it be your own decision..?

She shook her head, collapsing back down on her bed. Emerging herself in her feelings, letting them come as freely as they wished for now. Later, she would collect herself - later she would be all right. Much later. She sighed and lied gently on her bed, her memories popping from her head and seeming to play out in front of her.

She grumbled and pulled the sheets over her head, not wanting to face another grueling day of remembrance. She would’ve daydreamed for sleep -- if the thoughts didn’t haunt her there as well. Everywhere of everyday, everyone that passed her by, every presentation, every word spoken around her -- she thought of Alex -- and the mistakes she had made either by rushing it or ending it too quickly.

She just wanted to stay captured in those moments forever -- the ones that didn’t wallow in grief. The ones that made the world go round -- or at least her world. And, maybe, just maybe they meant the same to Alex. Maybe, somewhere, where Alex was walking, breathing and talking -- she was having the same painful memories, the same painful regrets, and the same painful thoughts.

But it was just a hope, just a mere ponder. It couldn’t quite possibly be reality… Could it..?

Alex probably didn’t think twice about her. Paige was probably just a name stuck in Alex’s mind that never rung a bell unless spoken about directly. Alex probably didn’t even think about anything that they’d once had. And Paige asked herself, why couldn’t she find Alex, and tell her that she regretted what she’d done..? Why couldn’t she just ask Alex -- beg Alex to take her back..?

How wrong Paige was. For Alex was sitting on her couch that very same moment, thinking about the same things as Paige was. Her great regrets, the looming thoughts of what could’ve happened if she’d ignored her feelings or hadn’t rushed into it so fast… The guilt that amounted in her as well seemed almost unbelievable. And yet she, too, was sitting there -- wondering if Paige was somewhere and somehow thinking of the same things as she was. Wondering if Paige cared about her or really cared about the ending of their relationship. What ifs and what that’s. It was all too much to comprehend.

So there they were -- two very different people; in two very different places; wondering the exact same thing. And each one let a feeling of great sorrow and pain wash over them.

Paige gripped the bed frame as hard as she could, once again starting to drift from reality, shutting her eyes closed and being overwhelmed with inexpressible emotion. And it was then, as if on utter cue, that her alarm clock rung, and she lifted the covers from her face and looked over to it -- hiding her grief from her eyes and sighing, choking on the swarm of disappointments that ran through her, letting one more moment come and go. And then she tensed her arm muscles as she lifted her arm up and put her finger on the button that would -- once pressed -- silence the alarm clock and signify the beginning of a whole new agonizing day ahead of her.

Inhaling her breath and exhaling in a sigh she pressed it down and listened as the obnoxious tone silenced and she got up from where she was, and headed out of her room. It was ready for school. Ready for another day of wondering and pondering. Another day of living with what she’d done.

And somewhere seemingly across the world -- so was Alex.