Chapter 9 – Balance

Twice in a little over a week there was a knock on Sara’s door. Not accustomed to having anyone ever stop by, Sara felt a nervous pang at who could be standing on the other side. She had managed to keep it together for her ride home, and had collapsed on her bed moments after arriving home. Sleep eluded her, which just added to the injury she was already feeling.

Opening the door to see a nervous looking Grissom, Sara swallowed hard as her eyes began to burn.

“Can I come in?”

Once again Sara remained silent as she allowed her supervisor into her living room. She fought the dizziness of her emotions, fought the anger just barely below the surface.

Grissom turned around to look at her, and this time he really looked at her. He noticed her tense shoulders, saw how she kept her head slightly downcast to avoid looking directly at him. He saw her bring her arms up, folding them across her chest as if protecting herself from a harsh wind. One hand tugged at her sleeve as she shifted uncomfortably, as if being in her own skin was too much to bear. When she did finally bring her gaze up to meet his, the look in them was unmistakable. It was an awkward moment as they locked eyes, a deafening silence hanging between them. Sara held him captive, her brown eyes almost electric, and Grissom felt his own nerves falter under the weight of her stare.

“Why are you here, Grissom?” Her voice was soft, tired. It carried the painful timbre of defeat.

Grissom inhaled sharply, the words trapped behind pursed lips as he fought to make his voice say something, anything to soften the look in her eyes. “I needed to see you.”

“Why?”

The same simple question that sent Sara spiraling was about to shake Grissom’s foundation.

“I guess I wanted to see for myself if you were really okay.” Stalling, he thought, always stalling. Always pushing her away. Never taking the risk.

“Alright. I’m fine. Satisfied?”

Grissom wasn’t sure what had happened between his office and this moment. At least when Sara had said she was okay before, she was warm, even if she wasn’t telling the truth. The abrupt change in her demeanor caught him by surprise.

“Sara…what’s wrong?”

“Why aren’t you at dinner with Sofia?”

Grissom blinked disbelievingly. “How…”

“I heard you, Grissom. I was coming by your office after shift, admittedly because I knew where Sofia was headed, so I followed here. I heard you talking. And I heard enough to know that I feel absolutely foolish for putting any faith in you.” Sara began to tremble at the words that fell from her lips.

“Sara, you don’t understand.” His intentions had been innocent, to try to help a colleague, but given Sara’s reaction to Sofia, he could only imagine how this looked to her. He moved closer, the pull of her emotions so strong, and was relieved when she didn’t back away.

“What don’t I understand Grissom? That you can refuse my invitation for dinner, come to my house and placate me with a taste of affection, and then turn around and hand it to someone else?”

“No, that’s not…”

“I’m tired of this Griss. I’m tired of this back and forth. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of understanding, of being patient, of being second best. I’m so tired of holding on hope for something that you can never give to me.”

“Sara…”

“No, stop. Just stop.” Sara refused to let Grissom say anything that could cause her any more pain. If she kept talking, maybe she wouldn’t have to get to the inevitable point where he validated all the things she said, making all her fears a reality. “I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t.” And with that, the first tear tumbled down Sara’s cheek.

Grissom reached out in an attempt to brush the stray tear from her cheek. Sara bit her lip and turned her head, trying to avoid the softness of his hand and the warmth of his body. He retracted his hand hesitantly, closing his fingers in a loose fist, letting his hand drop to his side. He was losing her. With every second that passed, he was losing this battle.

“What is it about me, Grissom?” Her question was so soft he wasn’t sure she had spoken at first. He needed to say something to regain his footing.

“You make me nervous.” His confession was just as soft, and Sara turned her eyes back to him, brows furrowed in confusion. That wasn’t the answer she was expecting.

“I what?”

“You make me nervous,” he repeated. “The way I feel about you, how I have felt about you, I have no idea what to do, so I haven’t done anything. I’m sorry, that my uncertainty has hurt you.”

“And how do you feel, exactly?” She still spoke softly, as if a louder tone would shatter the moment, leaving shards of what could have been at their feet.

We have to risk everything…

“I’m in love with you. And have been for quite some time.”

The force of his statement threw Sara off balance, and without hesitation she kissed him. It was more than just a kiss at that moment, it was salvation. It was wanting something so badly and finally having it. It was two lost souls who had finally found their way. It was true love, in every sense, finally running smooth.

“I love you,” she said, her voice breathless with desire and tinged with desperation.

Grissom paused, breaking the kiss to look straight into Sara’s eyes. He saw the worry, he saw the apprehension, and he saw the absolute adoration, all that he felt mirrored his own soul at the moment. He knew she was scared, as was he, but he trusted they could be safe together. “And I love you, Sara.”

Sara’s eyes widened at his admission. All her time, all her pining, all the waiting had finally rewarded her. She blinked back more tears, so many questions whirling at once. “What…what does this mean? For us?”

“I don’t know, Sara. I don’t know how this is supposed to work. I’m your supervisor…I’m so much older than you are…and quite honestly, I don’t know what I’m doing.” All fears that Grissom had yet to discuss came more easily with Sara so captivated in hearing him speak. “I’ve been trying to figure this out. Admitting what you meant to me was a big step. From here, I don’t know.”

“You’re here now. We can take it slow, there’s no rush.” She brought her hand up to rest it on the gray scruff of his bearded cheek.

“I’m not too late?”

“Gil Grissom,” Sara embraced him, her cheek softly resting against a bare section of his warm skin, her words almost a sigh in his ears, “I would have waited forever.” She backed up slightly, as if tethered to his heart, her lips once again in a anxious rush for his, ending all talk, stopping all thinking, focusing on nothing but the taste of his mouth, the warmth of his breath, the electricity in her veins.

To Grissom, it tasted like forever, devotion, the rest of his life, here, with her. His fears dissolving, one by one, as he lost himself in Sara Sidle, the woman he finally risked everything for, and now he had her. Even though deep down he knew, he had her all along.

The End