A/N: I have been playing with these ideas for awhile now, and decided I may as well actually type it up and post it. It is somewhat of a song fic, but with a lot of story line in there as well. Please read and review and let me know what you think. It was inspired by the songs though, so I decided to work them in and do the whole band thing.

Disclaimer: Not my characters, not my songs... I have nothing but an annoying rash on my hand from a chemical I got on it at work. Not a fun thing to have.

Chapter 1: Broken Till The Day That I Die

I am about to graduate from high school. Big deal. At least, according to Charlie and everyone else around me, it is. I don't really care though. What good are “huge” accomplishments if your life has no meaning anyhow?

The only thing that gets me out of bed every day, besides the obvious of pretending to be alright for everyone else's sake, is my song writing. Nothing works as a muse like being rejected, abandoned, and tricked into giving everything to someone. Yeah, I hate him. Wait, no, that is not the right sentiment. It is something more along the lines of despise.

Sadly, though, no matter how much I despise him, I also still love him. I will always love him. I am battered and broken, and I will never recover. I was ready to give up everything to be with him, and he didn't want me.

He lured me into his little fantasy world, used me, then spat me out and walked away. He took his whole family with him. He took my family with him. My adopted mother and father, my crazy brothers, my sister who I knew did not entirely like me but was my sister none the less, and my best friend.

I really do miss Alice... sometimes I think I miss her more than the jerk. Sometimes. Then again, she left me too. Even if it was his reasons, she still left.

I really don't understand why they did this to me. Why would they trick me like that? I didn't do anything, besides move to this God-forsaken town to try to make my mother's life better. He should have killed me and had my precious blood all those times he had the chance. He should have let Tyler's van smash me.

But he kept me alive so he could toy with me, to entertain him, to be one of his precious distractions. I will never forgive him for this. He has destroyed me; taken everything from me; he has murdered me.

All this I keep inside. I hang out with a few “close” friends, and do all the right things for Charlie so he thinks that I am recovered. We don't talk about what happened immediately after. I know I hurt Charlie with my behavior, or lack there of. I am still trying to gain back all the weight I lost, but I doubt it will ever all come back.

I am going to be moving into Seattle in a few weeks, in anticipation of 'attending college.' Angela convinced me to move into an apartment with her while she attends college there. I don't see the point in going, though Charlie thinks I am.

Angela doesn't understand what is going on, but she still acts like I am going to college too. Really, I am just trying to get out of here. Charlie tried to send me to live with Renee, but I refused.

At the time, I couldn't let myself leave. I had to be here, to know that he existed. Now, I just want out of here. I can't even look Charlie in the eye anymore, Jessica and Lauren get their laughs at my pitiful expense, and Jacob is still convinced that we will end up together. I can't stand to be here anymore. I can barely deal with the pain anymore. I need a new outlet for it.

I figured out that I had a knack for writing music 2 months ago. Sure, I suffer for it every night, but oh well. It is the only thing that helps me get through the day, besides the cutting. I have a few on my arms, but those are easily ignored given how clumsy I am.

My stomach, chest, pelvis, and thighs, on the other hand, are harder to explain. Luckily, it is rarely shorts and tank top weather around here. When it is, I just don't wear them. I am the only one who sees them, so it doesn't matter. Like I said, I am damaged.

Jacob is very supportive of my song writing, though he still wonders where it came from. Truthfully, it came when the cutting stopped fully sedating me. In his view, all of a sudden I was a musical prodigy.

Jacob and Sam had the guitar skills to accompany me, Embry played the drums, and Quil played the bass. I was a little wary of Sam at first, but eventually, I let my guard down with him.

I am sure Jacob talked to him, but he is still haunted by the image of me the night he found me in the woods. The night I was abandoned. I still do not fully understand why that night is so horrible for him, though I think it has to do with Leah.

I cannot imagine what any of the pack would do if they knew I cut myself. Sam has his suspicions about my arms, but everyone else brushes it off. I almost got caught last week, when Sam and Jacob made a surprise visit.

I was in the bathroom, covering up the cuts, when I heard a knock. I quickly finished and went to get it. They smelled the blood as soon as I opened the door, and were none too happy. I eventually convinced them it was nothing, but they are still wary about it.

Most of the pack wanted to come see me graduate, even though I don't really want to go to the ceremony. I am desperate to get out of this hell hole, and trying to pretend to be that happy all day will take its toll on me.

I knew I couldn't cut before the ceremony- Sam and Jacob were riding with me and Charlie. I couldn't risk it, so I decided to write instead. I was particularly spiteful and vindictive today; I should be walking across the stage with that asshole, and I should be getting ready to spend my life, nay, change my life, with him.

My moods certainly take hold of my songs, though the crowds at the few gigs we have played seemed to have enjoyed the blend. Some are down and depressed, others are all out hateful. Today, I am still here, and will be broken till the day I die. Then the muse started singing to me, and the words flowed freely.

Cold (But I'm Still Here) Originally by Evans Blue

Hello, I'm your martyr, will you be my gangster
Can you feel my trigger hand, moving further down your back
When you hide, hide inside that body
But just remember that when I touch you
The more you shake, the more you give away

Cold, but I'm still here, blind, ‘cause I'm so blind, say never
We're far from comfortable this time
Cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never
We’re far from obvious this time

Wait, another minute here, time will kill us after all
Now can you feel its second hand wrapped around your neck
So fall into my eyes and fall into my lies
But don’t you forget
The more you turn away, the more I want you to stay

Cold, but I'm still here, blind, ‘cause I'm so blind, say never
We're far from comfortable this time
Cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never
We’re far from obvious this time

You’re so endearing, you’re so beautiful,
Well I don’t look like they do, and I don’t love like they do
But I don’t hate like they do
Am I ever on your mind?

Cold, but I'm still here, blind, ‘cause I'm so blind, say never
We're far from comfortable this time
Cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never
We’re far from obvious this time

Cold, you broke me from the very first night
I'd love you ‘til the day that I die
We're far too comfortable this time
Cold, I loved you from the very first night
You broke me ‘til the day that I die
I'm far too obvious this time

As soon as I had the lyrics down, I shoved them in my desk and went to take a shower. The tears would fall freely soon, and in the shower, no one could see them. I had to get a hold of myself; Jacob and Sam would be here in less than an hour.