Hey everyone. I havent ever written a crack! fic, maybe cause I take writing too seriously for my own good. And I thought, what the heck, why not give it a shot. The first chapter will be a little slow, but it picks up, I promise. So I hope you like it. :)

Chapter 1... A Heart Shaped Box From Your Very Own Necrophiliac

Somwhere in the rainy and depressively gloomy and dangerously supernatural town of Forks (somewhere in the US, I suck at geography), two superheroes fly in the nighttime, Midnight Man and Bananarama Girl, discussing the progress of their progress…

“Did we find that one yet?” I asked, being Midnight Man. Imagine me like this, a dude with wavy black hair, 5’11, no cape. I'm clean shaven, 17 years old, wheatish skin. I’d explain better, but do you really care? Didn’t think so.

“Nope, he got away. I heard he got run over by a bus though…”

“Yes, that was on the news…”

“It was?”

“Yes,” I said, a little bitterly.

“Well, the news reports daily events, like the weather, crimes, entertainment related events and those revolving around the lives of the community and…”

“Bananarama girl..?”

“Yes?”

“I know what the news is.”

“You do?”

“Yes.”

“Well…”

There was an awkward pause. Bananarama girl, a girl from Australia, with dark brown hair, also sixteen, stared at me, then at the cloudy night sky through our Invisibilibitee Mobilility Machine.

“Look, a bear!” She pointed to the ground, where quite visibly, some animal and a man were fighting.

“That’s not a bear.”

“It isn’t…?”

“Yes.”

“What is it? A ferret?”

“Just park the damn car.”

And so then we flew down into the trees, crashed terribly and resulted in a minor forest fire (later subdued by the rain from the rainy sky in the rainy city of Forks), and let our cheap 8 dollar costumes catch fire yelling out “Ah! It burns!” as we ran into the opening where the bear(?) and the man(?) were fighting.

It was quite a horrific scene, indeed, but ‘twas not a bear, ‘twas a…

“Wolf!” exclaimed Bananarama girl, with a totally oblivious tone to her voice.

“I know,” I responded, rather cutting than I’d wanted. But eh…

“Do you know like… everything?” She asked, folding her arms.

“I do know you state the obvious.”

It was another awkward pause as we stared at each other, not noticing the man growling and the wolf bleeding while they swung around in circles cursing and hurling each other towards trees.

“So…” Started Midnight Man. Me. Would you prefer if I called myself Midnight Man or me? Cause well, I am Midnight man… Well, not for real. ‘Me’ is okay right? You can’t possibly not be able to understand what’s happening here…

snickers

And then suddenly, there was a flash of lightening as the wolf yelped and flew into the trees, leaving the now suddenly bare-chested pale man standing in the middle of the opening, breathing rather heavily. (Since well, he’s a vampire. They don’t breathe… I’ll explain it later for those of you who haven’t read the book.)

“Are you alright?” I asked, in an obviously amazing superhero manner.

“No,” he replied. He coughed, and some blood flew out of his mouth and hit the dusty ground.

I felt dizzy at the sight of it. And then, Bananarama girl screamed…

“Aren’t you Edward I-Don’t-Remember-Your-Last-Name-Cause-You-Died-Like-A-100-Fucking-Years-Ago?”

“Yes, I am that particular Edward. Why do you ask?” He replied in his velvet (who has a velvet voice? I mean… Velvet – isn’t that like a colour? Or something you make clothes with? Stupid adjectives) voice.

“Oh. My. God,” she murmured.

“What?” I asked, nudging her immobile and excited state, not understanding what the heck was happening on this particularly stormy night in stormy Forks, but still overall maintaining my superbly superb superhero manner.

But she didn’t listen. She had already whipped a copy of a black paperback book from god-knows-where and had her cell phone in one hand, and was shouting into the phone :

“Emsies! You won’t believe what’s happening! You know I’m part time super-heroine yeah? Well, I was flying through this crap-shack town and ran into that guy from Twilight? No! Really! And I mean, he doesn’t look like Robert Pattison for shit but who cares? I mean, a real live ‘dead’ vampire? Ain’t that awesome?! Oh yeah, totally. I’ll make sure. No, no, I could take her. She seems like a skinny little bitch anyway, hold on…”

Edward, who was dazing to the sky not paying attention to whatever was happening suddenly looked at her and said, “Yes?”

“That Bella chick, she’s tiny yeah?”

“Petite.”

“I could so kick her ass, yeah?”

“I suppose,” he replied, smiling Bella’s favourite half smile, which was weird, shouldn’t he be defending her? Looks like he’s not ideal after all, now go die, you fanatic little fangirls. Ha ha ha.

“Alright.” She went back to the call. “Yeah, yeah, yeah…”

She went into whispers, “His hair? How much? I don’t know if it grows back… If I cut too much, I’ll just shave him bald. Okay, he’s staring now. Gotta go, yeah, later.”

I didn’t know what was happening, but I realized the chapter was almost near a close and I hadn’t had many lines as yet, so I yelled out, in a Dumbledore reminiscent fashion :

“Silence!”

So Jess (Bananarama Girl) and Edward glanced at me for a moment, and then I went on…

“Well, since we practically saved you from that…” I turned to Jess.

Jess flipped the pages of the book. “Werewolf, yep, his name’s Jacob Black…”

“Werewolf… I think it gives us a right to kidnap you and make you do our bidding and whatever else we ask you to do. Fair enough?”

“Do I get to say ‘bye’ to Bella first?”

I was going to say ‘alrite’, but before I could, Jess interjected, “Sure. We’ll give her a goodbye she’ll remember forever!”

And then she went into this whole maniacal and eccentric laugh, and we could hear the bugs creak far away.

While Jess was laughing, me and Edward sat on a wet rock (since it was raining in the excessively rainy crap-shack of a town called Forks), and he asked me,

“Well, do I dazzle you?”

I wouldn’t normally pay attention, but since this is a story, I HAD to, so I said, “What?”

“Do I?” He lifted his eyebrows, trying to appear appealing.

“Uhh… no.”

“I don’t?” He seemed to crumble at my response.

“Sorry?”

He bawled and fell onto the floor in a little heap, whining like a rich 100-something snob until I said, “I’m sure you’re a very handsome guy… Some girl would be glad you have you?”

“No! I want everyone! Why don’t you understand! I will not rest until every moving girl licks me and every straight boy in the world goes gay and wants to fuck me!”

“Tsk tsk, you do have some issues, don’t you?”

“Perhaps,” he pondered, and then sat on the rock again. He was still bare-chested, and I noticed Jess had stopped laughing and had now started taking pictures from her camera which also miraculously appeared out of thin air. (That’s going to happen a lot in this story, just so you know.)

And then, Jess, Edward and I stepped into the invisible machine, and Edward was sad for a bit cause he wanted to lift us and run through the woods with his ‘supercool but also kinda boring’ superpowers but I felt it was a cheap trick on his whole ‘world-must-fuck-me’ plan, even though Jess was more than willing. I couldn’t be sure cause of the rainy rain of the rainy town, but I think she was drooling on him.

And then as we went over the cloudy skies of the cloudy town, we approached Bella’s little house. Edward glanced at us and asked, “Can we stop now? I must say bye.” He seemed saddened, but totally willing to do whatever we wanted to.

Strange, that gypsy (?) was.

As we passed her window, the car stopped in mid air as Jess dialed Bella’s number.

“You have her number?” I asked, curiously.

”Duh’d, if you don’t know, its on page 247 of Eclipse. And this is to ALL you readers, go to page 247 and you will find the NUMBER to Bella’s house!”

Go now, really! Otherwise you’ll keep wondering if it’s really there. And it is, I promise.

The phone rang from inside. A few muffled sounds, then Jess said into the speaker, “Come out slutserella, we have Edward…” She giggled mischievously.

Bella suddenly stepped out from the house, running to the road, leaving the door ajar.

“Edward!” She shouted, in the most melodramatic way possible to a teenage drama queen facing a serious case of necrophilia.

“Bella!” He shouted back, in the most melodramatic way possible to a teenage drama queen turned dead in 19-hundredsomething.

“Oh shut it,” I muttered, rolling my eyes.

And then Jess floored our invisiblythingy vehicle, yelling out, “You’ll never suck his, and he’ll never suck yours, ever, again, ever! Muwhahahahahaha!”

So we flew into the night sky, towards Hogwarts. (?)

But Bella was not a happy camper.

She wouldn’t let him go just that easy.

So she went home, picked up the phone, and called up the one and only person who could help her.

“Hello operator. Get me Superman.”

“Superman? He’s busy. Lot’s of damsel distresses these days, ya know?” The operator replied, matter-of-factly.

“Okay then… Uhh… can you get me Robin?”

“Batman’s maid?”

“Yep, that’s the one.”

“Hold on…”

While the line connected, Bella imagined getting her vampire back, and thought, rather loudly, REVENGE WILL BE MINE! ALL MINE!

And then she laughed, and coughed, since the rainy season of the rainy city was getting to her.

Well, that's all. I hope you liked it. Please let me know what you think. Thanks!