Hey everyone. Long time, but hey, I felt like writing again. Thanks to all of the people who reviewed -- SparxFlame, Alice, molly, BlueMoonDestiny, Jess, and goldeneyez-x -- for your extremely kind and confused reviews.

Chapter 4... We're So Safe

“Well, here we are… King’s Cross Station.” I glanced up at the bustling railway station, smoke and people everywhere, sounds of announcements, and in the middle of it all – an Indian, an Australian, and a vampire from Forks (was he even born in the States? Cause I know no one ever brings it up, but he does sound... un-American sometimes. Illegal immigrant, anyone?) Anywho, we were finally at ‘the magical world of fairies and gypsies’, or as Jess called it, ‘England’, and ready to run into platform number 9 and three fourths. Or at least that’s what the first book told us to do.

“Jess, what if they changed the platform number? You sure this copy of Philosophers Stone is updated?” I waved it in my hand, and passers-by noticed and swiped at it. Bloody wankers. Not getting my precious, they aren’t.

“No, I’m sure. They don’t update versions, Armaan.”

”They don’t? Damn, talk about la-azy.”

“I know right. I mean - hello? What if Harry didn’t survive the crazy teacher, the giant snake, the army of dementors, the Death Eaters, whatever the heck ‘really’ killed Dumblydore, and ‘in-the-closet-for-out-of-the-closet-Dumblydore Voldemort? Hasn’t that woman ever heard of an alternate ending… Jeesh.”

I nodded in agreement, my eyes searching for Edward in the crowd. I found him, talking up some Englishwoman near a pillar. “Oye! Get back here!” I yelled, asking Jess to look after the bags as I ran towards him. The train was going to leave soon.

As I reached the two, panting, the woman passed a ‘eww-he’s-not-even-close-to-as-dreamy’ look in my direction, and I rolled my eyes.

“Edward, a word?”

He smiled and nodded, and excused himself. We walked three feet to the right, before I started. “You little shit. This is the eleventeenth time you’ve fucking disappeared, and whenever the hell we do manage to find you, you’re chatting up either some desperate girl or a dude who looks like a desperate girl. And don’t give me the ‘it’s an addiction’ excuse. If we find you flirting with even one more Surrey Whore, no more ‘oh-they-make-me-so-horny’ animals for you. Get that, Count?”

The woman was gaping at us, wondering what the heck was going on.

Edward growled in my direction, and I just waved him off towards Jess, looking at the woman before I turned, “He thinks he’s a vampire. No one’s perfect, eh?”

The woman nodded, before she burst into flame. I never did figure out how that happened. Oh well.

“Grab the bags, will you?” Jess asked, handing all seventeen (Armaan: 1, Edward: 1, Jess: 15) bags over onto Edward’s muscular shoulders. (Muscular shoulders, were they? How can one even tell? Pfft.)

“Right, into the wall, minions!” I hollered, as we all ran into platform 9 and three fourths.

It felt funny walking through a wall. Like a feather on your stomach. But once we were on the other side, it was all good. And by good I mean fucking bewildering and delirious. But you already knew that.

We were surrounded by all kinds of strange animals, not to mention their pet owls and rats. We ignored them completely, and their astounded gasps for Edward, climbing onto the Hogwarts Express. As soon as we did, a stout woman, her name tag reading, ‘Ruth’, stopped us and raised an eyebrow.

“Names? You lot don’t look the slightest familiar, you don’t.” She coughed in our direction, and some spittle fell out and landed on one of Jess’s bags.

“No you didn’t…” Jess started, about to pounce, just as I caught her back and Edward walked closer to old hairy Ruth.

“See, the thing about that…”

2 Minutes and 37 Seconds Later…

Edward stepped into the compartment, looking nonchalant. Both Jess and I were sitting opposite one another, staring at the last few families outside saying bye. He sat next to Jess, and I looked up from my copy of ‘Ocean’s Three (Hogwarts Edition)’.

“Fucked her till she was dry?” I asked, curious. And hungry. Where was that lady with the damn magical candy?

“Yep. It needed to be done,” he replied, as Jess groaned in disgust.

“Reckon we’ll run into any famous characters?” I asked Jess, hopeful.

“Nah, that only happens in stories with no plot.”

I sighed sadly, and the train started moving.

16 Hours, 14 Minutes and 52 Seconds Later…

“Oh my god. We’re here!” Jess squealed, rushing towards one of the carriages that would lead us to the school. The sky was dark and mysterious, and it was about to rain. Dude, I am so fucking tired of ‘dark and mysterious skies’ implying rain. Why can’t they imply… happiness? Or when the Red Hot Chili Peppers come to town?

But since they don’t, it started drizzling. Edward and I slowly trudged up the path to Hogwarts, and I started humming ‘Loser’ by Beck.

Somewhere…

“We’re almost there!” Karen exclaimed, biting into a jelly donut. In case you haven’t noticed, this is the same Karen from ‘Mean Girls’. Seen it? You should. It really isn’t a chick flick. And even if it is, who gives a shit? Cat fights always equal awesomeness.

Robin danced around to Avril Lavigne’s ‘Girlfriend’ in the back, while Bella nagged the pilot to open ‘the back door’ so she could jump off the Concorde.

“I need to! You don’t understand! I need to hear his voice damn you!” She whined.

All the yelling made Karen excited, and she too started nagging, “Open the door! I need to hear his voice too!”

To which Bella rolled her eyes. And then after a second of silence while the song played, Karen asked, “Wait… whose voice?”

But by then the pilot had shot himself, and his head through an odd twist of fate had landed on the ‘Open Back Door’ button. The door flew open, whooshing in and out air and droplets of water.

“Come on then! Let’s goooo!” Karen squeaked, excitedly.

But now that the door was open, and Bella had gotten what she wanted, she wasn’t so sure she wanted to jump. The cliff was okay, but from here… there was no guarantee she’d live. Screw Edward, she thought.

“Karen, I don’t think I want to…”

But before she could finish, Karen yelled, “Come on you stupid whore!” and kicked her ass down the back door and she flew downwards thousands of feet.

“That looks like so much fun!” Karen added, and then proceeded to jump off as well.

The song ended, and Robin looked around. The flight guy was dead, and the chicks were nowhere to be seen. As the plane started descending, Robin decided to do something meaningful. So he called his only confidante, Iceman.

“Whatever shall I do Icey?!” He asked, distraught.

“Uhh… go fuck a goat?”

“Thanks so much!” And so Robin jumped off the back door too, thinking about what a goat’s ass would be like.

All three of them had unknowingly jumped inside the boundary of Hogwarts, and even though Muggles (that’s humans, by the way, for us normal people) can’t see it and all that, were about to enter its oh-so-magical realm.

The Great Hall…

“Well slap my ass and call me Judy, it’s Cedric! Back from the dead!” Hagrid announced, standing up as he did and pointing to the back door of the Great Hall. Every head turned, including the teachers, to the three figures who were trying to make a discreet entry and get some food.

A girl shrieked, fainting. Then seven others screamed in succession, at how amazingly hot he looked.

“Cedric!” Harry yelled, dramatically, standing up and running towards him in slow motion. While Edward wondered what the fuck was going on, I sauntered over to the Ravenclaw table and started talking to Luna.

“I love you,” I told her.

“Oh wow,” she replied, “That’s sweet of you. Care for a peck?”

“I love fiction,” was all I said.

Jess was already on the Slytherin table, making friends with all of those Death Eaters’ kids.

“So you killed fourteen kids? That’s it?” She asked one of them, unimpressed.

By then, a small crowd had made its way around Edward, and Harry too had reached him, hugging him tightly. Edward, loving the attention, didn’t mind Harry getting ‘excited’ and dry humping him.

“Well well, that is one tasty dish,” commented Ron, just as Hermione decided she’d go lesbian.

Oh, and yeah, everything was in disorder since Voldemort had announced his takeover of Hogwarts in two weeks.

Pfft, not if two fake superheroes and an extremely horny Vampire can help it.

Well, that's all. Hopefully I kept you entertained. Thanks for reading, and please review. Later.