Hey everyone. Thanks a lot to the reviewers -- Sparxflame, Jess and ChicalaMoya. Thanks to all the readers aswell, I love all of yous. Back to cuckooville? Alritey then.

Chapter 5... Into The Wild

Hogwarts…

(Snape’s Quarters)

A knock was heard.

There was no response.

Suddenly, loud hip hop music burst through the teacher’s dorms, radiating in waves the loud sound. It then stopped. And then started again. Then it stopped again.

Snape opened his door a little bit, and at seeing the two drenched girls and one drenched boy, hissed. “What do you want, imbeciles?”

“Whasup yo!” Robin squealed, trying to seem… un-into dudes. It didn’t work.

“Argh! I told McGonagall I only want the fruits on Wednesday! Hush with you!” He started to close the door, just when Bella put her boot in the wedge.

“Please, we need your help.” Her eyes looked pleading.

Snape squinted and he thought for a moment. “What’s in it for me, Mary Sue?”

Bella looked to Karen, who promptly raised her top and showed the ladies to Snape, whose little Snape decided to open up shop. It was all really hot.

“Twice a week. Deal?” Bella asked, grinning evilly.

“Not quite,” Snape replied. “The boy showers with me on Tuesdays.”

Bella raiased an eyebrow and half turned to Robin.

Robin’s eyes widened, and he jumped up and down, yelling, “Yeah baby! Robin likes them greasy!”

Bella threw up then. And Snape invited them all into his quarters, where they all talked about what a nineteen person orgy would be like. Then, they slept, and Hogwarts received three new students.

The Next Day…

(The Great Hall – Breakfast)

“Do I dazzle you?”

“Yes.”

“Do I dazzle you?”

“Yes.”

“Do I dazzle you?”

“Yes.”

“Do I dazzle you?”

“Yes.”

“Do I dazzle you?”

“Yes.”

“Do I dazzle you?”

“Can we fuck again tonight?”

Edward had been making his rounds around the Great Hall, asking all innocent (and not-so innocent) boys and girls if he could arouse them. He then proceeded to sit next to Armaan and Jess, who all decided to sit on the Gryffindor table, since well, everyone hates Gryffindor anyway, and we ain’t biased.

“So Jess, how do we kill this Voldemort?” I asked her, biting into a buttered croissant. It tasted like a shoe. Grand feast my ass.

“Well, why don’t you ask Boy Wonder over there?” She pointed with her chicken drumstick to Harry, who was drooling onto the table staring at Edward. Edward meanwhile was dipping his fingers into Pumpkin Juice and licking them off one by one, making girls in the nearby vicinity cry out in pleasure and hence magically lose their virginity.

I threw the bread at Harry’s head, which snapped him back to straight world, and yelled, “How do we kill him? And why aren’t you trying to kill him anymore?”

Harry shook his head, and became all angsty. “My… my… therapist, she says—she says I need to control m-my rage… Cause when I become… angry… Let’s just say, you won’t like me when I’m angry.” He trembled near the end, and Ron consoled him by patting his back and licking his neck.

“So what, you gonna turn into the Hulk? Ooh, I’m scared.” I rolled my eyes, and Jess did too. Harry wasn’t turning out to be the brave superhero we’d anticipated.

“Don’t… make… me… angry…” He warned.

So I threw another bread roll at his head. It bounced onto the ground, and Ron bent down and started nibbling on it.

Harry’s eyes widened, and he stood up and banged his arms against the table. His veins started showing, and he started breathing heavily, and he pointed at me and shouted, “I warned you, kebab bitch!”

Kebab bitch? Dude, talk about racist.

“Whatcha gonna do, JT?” Hey, I can be racist too.

He jumped on the table, and just as I expected him to burst into a green ugly ass PG-13 superhero, the whole great hall turned dark and a disco ball flew down to the centre and suddenly, Ron was at the teachers table with a stereo. He looked to Harry and hollered, “Hit it, smokey!”

And then, it happened.

Seventeen girls appeared out of nowhere wearing party hats, skimpy fur laced bikinis, holding pom-poms and jumping out of corners. All the students jumped to the sides and back to watch what was happening. Only Jess, Edwardo and I stayed at our places, wondering what the fuck was happening.

The music. Oh, the music.

“Oh Harry, you're so fine,
You're so fine you blow my mind
Hey Harry! Hey Harry!

Oh Harry, you're so fine,
You're so fine you blow my mind
Hey Harry! Hey Harry!”

And there was dancing. Harry pranced around like a 70’s showgirl, pointing in our direction, and whipping back and giving us catty glances. I think Jess passed out somewhere in the middle, but she came back again, taking a video with her cell. Edward wasn’t really paying attention, but he’d taken off his shirt sometime after the dancing started, promptly distracting sixteen out of seventeen girls, who started marvelling at him.

I just whipped out my shotgun and shot Harry in the leg.

The music stopped.

“Riggghht… Well, now that that’s taken care off.” The lights (or sky, whatever) went back on, and I stepped on the table, kicking a crying Harry off.

“Voldemort is out to kill all of you. He won’t care if you’re a kid, or willing to suck on his dried little dick. What we need, is those of you that can lure him here. So that Edward… I mean, Cedric, can take his ‘revenge’ and finish his Dark Lordness forever. Since Mr. Potter seems incapable to do so at such a time,” I gestured down and continued, “This is the only way we can receive results. Everyone okay with that?”

Everyone nodded. Except Ron. So I shot him too.

They’re not dead, don’t worry. Jeesh. God forbid THAT travesty unleashes itself on us. eye roll

“Well, enough with the small talk, let’s get down to some partying! Break out the Belvedere boys, it’s happy hour at Hogwarts!” And so we all got drunk and thirteen and a half kids actually lost their virginity that day. Seven from Edward.

Later that night, Edward was lying peacefully and contentedly on the couch of the Hufflepuff dorm room, while the others around him dozed soundly. He had his eyes closed, and he was humming a tune. No, it was that stupid lullaby; it was God Save the Queen by the Sex Pistols. Happy now, fangirls? I’m sure the movie will be the best thing you’ll ever see, the lullaby shall forever remain your cell phone’s ring tone and I’m sure watching the movie 183658627893 times will be totally worth it.

He heard someone shuffle close around him, and so he opened his eyes, looking at a girl he’d not expected to see.

“Reese Witherspoon? What are you doing here?”

Reese smiled and shrugged. “Hey there. Expected Bella, didntcha?”

“Will you please fuck me?”

“Not today, kiddo.” Then she walked to the window and grew a pair of wings and flew out. Just as she did, Bella ran to the window and shouted, “Yeah! You better fly! Walk The Line sucked donkey balls, by the way!”

She then turned back to Edward, her lips looked icy, and he smiled at her. And then she cried for nineteen hours straight. He kept trying to console her, but it didn’t work. He even showed her the family jewels a couple of times, but it was no use.

Once she did stop, she looked at him. “All I want is you…” She reached out and felt his cheek. He held her hand tight with his, and kissed it softly. He reached forward and pressed his lips against her neck, her chin, her lips, and whispered, “You’re everything to me.”

See! I can do what Stephenie Meyer does! Jeesh. Anywho, back to the story…

“But…” He started.

She backed away, looking at him. “But what Edward? Come back to Forks! You’ll fuck me, I’ll get pregnant, Jacob will narrate uselessly for a while and then we’ll think the Volturi will come to kill our ‘hotter than thou’ baby girl but they won’t and we’ll live happily ever after wondering if they’ll ever come back. Oh, and you’ll bite me when I deliver the girl, who will have the dumbest name in the world, so much so that she’ll curse herself for being half vampire so she can’t hang herself to save herself the embarrassment of being called ‘Renesmee Carlie Swan Cullen’. It’s what was meant to be Edward. You know it, I know it, and anyone who didn’t read the fourth book now knows it.”

“But Bella, I need to save these kids… I need to find that man…” He touched her cheek again, but she shied away.

”No buts Edward! You’re telling me you’re picking a thin, snake-nosed bald man over me?! How could you?”

He shrugged. “I always knew I wasn’t meant for just chicks.”

She stood up in a rage, and cursed me for writing this.

“Fine… be that way. But know this much, I will wait here at Hogwarts until you are done with the man so that Armaan can keep this story in the Twilight section of this site! I will wait… until you come back to me! And I will wait… cause I love you so much. But one thing’s for sure… You won’t be seeing these for a while!”

And then she whipped out her titties.

And that’s when the whole battalion walked inside. Jess, Luna, Harry, Ron, Hermione, I, all the students, the teachers, even Voldemort.

“My god you’re flat chested,” I said.

Jess laughed. “It’s like she’s a dude!” She was almost on the floor.

People clicked pictures, and Voldemort just said ‘excellent’ like Mr. Burns (from the Simpsons) and disappeared somewhere.

The Next Night…

(Snape’s Quarters or as it was aptly renamed, ‘Octopussy Central’)

“So, we guys are going to head to Voldie’s fortress of solitude and lure him out to Hogwarts alone, yeah? We need seven people, total. So I’m in, cause well, I didn’t get to do much this chapter, Luna can come, Armaan, I guess you can too, we can take Hermione, Karen and Robin cause they’re tired of Snape’s Pokemon collection, and well, Snape can come too. Sound good, lemmings?” Jess asked us, standing with her arms placed at the edges of a worn wooden round table. We all sat in the room around her, a burning fire crackling close. The place was dark, cept for the light of the moon from outside and the orange light from the flames.

“What about Edward and Bella?” Luna asked, making us wonder where they were.

“Yes, what about Edward… and Bella,” Harry repeated, seemingly miffed that Edward’s so-called love had shown out of nowhere.

“Well, they can’t come along cause they need to keep having sex here at Hogwarts. And we can’t take Edwardo along. Too much of a risk. I mean, it’s cool if one of you dumbasses dies over at Voldies, but we can’t let Edward die. People may die though, you know…”

Ooh, spoilers! Or not. Heh.

“In that case, maybe we should take Bella…” Harry added, suddenly.

“NO!” All of us yelled in his direction.

“Fine then,” he whispered, looking in the other direction and sinking into his chair.

“I refuse to travel with such useless companions,” Snape muttered, in a grave tone.

Karen walked over to him and held his head in her hands and said, “Pretty please?” She bent over, and gave him a sneak peek at Betsy and Marilyn.

“Oh fine…” He replied, sighing. He was a sucker for awesomely named boobs.

“Omigawd, your hair is so oily! It’s like… fast food!” She cried, running outside.

We all thought about that for a moment, and then decided to shave Snape’s head.

It was awesome. He looked like Stone Cold Steven Austin had a kid with a constipated shrew.

So yeah. Off to Voldies.

Sounds like a bar.

Damn, that’d have been cool.

Well, that's all. I hope you liked the chapter. Please let me know what you think. Thanks for reading!