Hey everyone. Thanks a lot to all my readers--especially lepi19 and Jess--and reviewers. Sorry for the delay, but I think you guys are used to it by now, yeah? Anywho, here goes.

Chapter 6... Magic Beans & Rollercoaster Brownies

VAGS (Voldie’s Hideout)
Outside

“Harry, stop cribbing.” Hermione snapped, nudging him over. He fell over a rock, and then, in a feeble attempt to stand up, tripped even further back down a suddenly barren mountainside. He yelled, “No! I wan’t more lines!!” as he quickly rolled down the hill in a sodden old heap. Well, that saves the trouble of me having to write him in this chapter, anyway.

The hideout was a small hut, much like Hagrid’s. Infact, it even had a neon sign that read “Hagrid’s” on the outside, but we didn’t pay it much heed. The hookers that were squatting outside, lying seductively in the grass did attract Snape though, and we decided to let the sad old man have his fun and wander inside on our own. He gets eaten by a snake in the end, anyway, may as well let him have his jollies beforehand.

“They’d be expecting an ambush,” said Jess, and Robin&Karen giggled cause Jess said ‘bush’. “So the best and most surprising thing to do would be to just ring the damn door bell, no?”

“Yes, that does seem like a good idea,” Luna added, and we all agreed to.

“Wands at the ready, gang,” Hermione instructed, as I reached forward and pressed the nipple-shaped bell. It made a ‘ooooh, chavo’ sound, and squirted out milk. I shook my hand, disgusted.

We waited for twenty minutes. No one answered. Meaningwhile, Robin entertained himself by ringing the bell and sucking on the doorbell. “Weird little shit, that kid,” regarded Hermione, and we all nodded in agreement. Finally, we got tired of waiting for someone to open, and so we thought of the most logical thing to do, call Mrs Umbridge.

Karen whipped out her cell phone and dialled. We all stared in her direction, and the moonlight lit her sparkly eyes like diamonds. Oh wait, no, those were diamonds. Damn. She was standing like 20 feet away from where I was looking, shit. Sorry, must be the meth brownies Luna made for everyone earlier.

Anywho. “Hello, Pizza Hut? Yeah, I’d like a regular…” She started, and Jess walked over to her, slapped the phone out of her hand, cursing. “Gimme that, dumbass,” Jess scolded, taking the phone. “Hello, yeah, a large pepperoni with mushrooms and onions, yeah, yeah, cool. Voldies. Yeah, oh, sure, combine the orders, we’ll share. Sure, seeya.” And then she clicked the phone shut, while we all stared idly again.

“Oh, right, sorry.” She dialled again, and handed me the phone. “Umbridge? Yeah, come on here, toots. Need some assistance and shit.”

And poof, no, seriously, POOF, she was here. “Is it Wednesday?” Karen remarked, glancing at Dolly’s pink nighty-thing. Luna pointed to the door, and Umbridge walked over to it, and we all followed behind, huddled.

“I’ll make quick work of this,” she said, and I suddenly felt a dash of déjà vu. Haha. ‘A dash of déjà vu.’

“Bombarda… maxima.”

And that door blew the fuck open, it did.

“Thanks, biatch,” remarked Robin, and we all rushed inside, all ready for struggle, scones and whatnot.

“What a bloody dump,” remarked Jess, pointing to the stacks of robes covered with ‘suspicious’ stains all over them, piled around the floor. Along with empty pizza boxes. (o.O)

“Strange, very strange,” remarked Umbridge, and she went POOF again.

“Dat bitch can move,” commented Hermione, and then pointed her wand to a door that said, ‘DO NOT ENTER – I AM FUCKING’ in big pink letters outside. “There! He must be inside. You guys, I’m going in.”

“And I always thought you wanted to fuck Ron,” said Karen, as we all absently and in a druggy haze sauntered towards the door.

HOGWASH

“Me so horny,” hissed Bella, slithering like a two-dollar whore towards Edwardo, who was lying completely nude on the Hufflepuff common room sofa. They’d been fucking seventeen hours straight, and he was quite sure that Bella had serious mental issues. (Yeah, ‘quite sure’ my ass.)

“Bella, please. I need a time-out,” he whimpered, squatting her slimy hand away.

Suddenly she was taken aback, crying. “You don’t love me anymore!” And with that, she burst into tears, then into flame, and in a crazed fit ran towards the window and burst through that too, floors down to her most definite end.

Pfft, I fuckin wish.

Robert ruffled his hair, took out a cigarette, and started listening to people’s thoughts from the Main Hall.

“I wish I was Kristen Stewart, her tits must be just the ones Robbie likes.”
“If Cedric died, and Edward is a vampire… Could it mean the capital of Tokyo really isn’t a donut?”
“You’d think Harry would have a big dong, being the queen-of-the-world and everything, but damn, it was like a broken crayon, ‘twas.”
“OMFG. I heard Bella has herpes.”
“Midnight Man is way cooler than Edward.”

And then he stopped listening, cause then he knew he was only imagining things. That smug bastard.

Back at Voldies’

“Stay close, everybody,” commanded Hermione, seemingly unaffected by the pixies and little gnomes running around everywhere, laughing at us and making faces.

“I see dead people,” Jess commented, rubbing her eyes with her free hand.

As we stood outside the door, Hermione stopped us. “I just want to say… I really, really wish I’d done that vampire. And also, that I really appreciate of all you for…”

“Oh shut it,” sighed Luna, kicking the door open.

And then we all were blinded by the sight that was in front of us. A sight, so horrifying, so… so…

“Mrs Weasley?!” Hermione gasped, staring at that crazy ol’ ginga wrapped up in some extremely wrong ways around that ugly snake dude. Even the elves gasped. “Ssshh,” I told them, “We don’t judge in this story.” Except when it comes to Stephenie Meyer. We definitely judge you, Stephenie Meyer, you evil, evil bitch.

“What the bloody ‘ell is going on here, Arry?” She yelled, sounding a lot like Ron. Strange thing, ‘twas. The room suddenly lit up, and we saw Robin standing with a camera near the light switch. Everyone turned to him, and Voldemort cried, “No!” And then a green flash buzzed past our buzzed minds, striking Robin right in the balls. He fell over like a crusty cinnabon, and Karen rushed over to him.

“WHAT. THE. FUCK. Dude?!” I yelled to Voldemort, all accusing.

He blushed. “So? I Avada-Kedavra-d him. Biggie.” And then shrugged.

And then, Jess nudged me, and I turned to her, irritated at the sudden turn of events. “Uh… Armaan, isn’t this the part where we run hysterically outside the bloody door?” I looked at her, and everyone waited while I thought about that.

“Listen to her, she’s making sense,” said Rudolpho, my imaginary gnome bud.

“Oh, fine,” I said, raising my arms in defeat. And so we all ran away.

“This isn’t over!” Yelled Karen, dragging Robin out by his spindly legs.

“You’re a slut, by the way!” Yelled Jess, towards Mrs. Weasley.

“I have needs!” She retorted, just as we skipped outside, and I heard Voldie go on about ‘I thought we were exclusive baby’ or something of the sort.

*

Back at Hogwarts, Ravenclaw Dormitory

“This is not looking good for us,” Luna said, gazing out the window. It was raining. Great, fuckin rain follows that Bizarro Bella everywhere.

“You think?” Harry replied, visibly shaken. He’d lost one of his legs somewhere down the hill, and we’d stuck back a female mannequin’s one for the time being.

“You sure it was my mother?!” Ron asked, for the umpteenth time.

“Yes, Ronald!” Everyone yelled, and he was about to start talking again, so Hermione ‘petrificus-totalus’-ed his ass.

Just then, (haha, as if) a knock was heard.

“Housekeeping!” announced the girly voice, and Luna went to open up the door. It was Edwardo and his wench.

“I heard you died,” Jess told her.

“Yeah, you wish.”

“You have no idea.”

Robert settled himself in the middle of the couch, just as Harry started sucking on his toes. “Move above that and I’ll cut off your nuts,” Bella hissed, and he hissed back, making a pussy-claw at her.

It was sad.

And then, another knock. Who in the world could that be, you ask? Well, it can’t be, no, it can’t…

“It’s me, Jacob.”

Jacob who, you ask??

Jacob—that guy from the Bible?
Irène Jacob—that French actress?
John Edward Jacob—that American activist?
Jacob Marley—that ghost guy from ‘A Christmas Carol’?

No? Who else could it be?!!! The excitement is so epic; my balls are jingling up and down with the suspense of it all.

“It’s Jacob Black, that emo wolf from Twilight.”

Out of all the Jacob’s in the fuckin world, it just had to be him.

“Jay-jay?!” Bella screeched, running to the door. Jess tripped her, and Bella broke her ankle. It was funny.

Luna went to the door again and opened it. Jacob, all wild and dishevelled, hair till his waist, looking a shit load like Fabio, snarled and ran towards Edward. Edward quickly shifted, and Jacob ran head first into Horny Harry, who mistook this for a sexual encounter, and started biting Jacob. Jacob, in his blind rage, didn’t note that that sparkly vampire had slipped away, and thought it was indeed, Roberto that was biting him. Being both aroused and aggravated, he only bit back, and it was quite a while before all the orgasming stopped.

“My god, that was frightening,” Reese Witherspoon commented, and we all gasped again. “What a shocking episode of 90210 this has been! Will a car finally hit that irritating blond girl? Will that girl with the camera and mental illness finally direct a porno? Does Adriana really have a teeny-tiny-weeny? Tune in next time to find out! You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Girl.” And then she poofed.

“I knew it was you all along!” Ron pointed and yelled, just as she disappeared.

“Riggght. This is way too crowded for me,” Snape said, leaving, because until just now I’d forgotten to write him in here. Oh well.

*

Later, still at Hogwarts, Main Hall, Lunch, Some Pepperoni Pizza, Lasagne, Spaghetti, Swiss Chocolate and Mango Cheesecake. Nothing special.

“We need to go back to Forks,” Bella snapped, banging her balls on the table. Meatballs, of course. Haha. I crack me up.

“Right, and who made you queen of the world?” Harry asked, pointedly.

“As a matter of fact—” she started, but Robert cut her off. “Two reasons, everyone. First, running off to kill the wizard (the wizard the wizard of oz…! lalalala) didn’t help anyone. We need to get him to us, get him distracted. Then we can kill him. He doesn’t only want Hogwash, he wants Harry.”

“Really? He wants me… does he?” Harry asked, grinning.

“Shut up,” Jacob said, making out with him. And they both fell to the floor.

“Is it just me, or this chapter more fruity than the others?” I asked. Luna nodded, nuzzling my stomach. That’s a little better, yeah.

“Right, as I was saying…” Edwardo continued, glaring at all of us, “And second, we really went over the top HP this time around, we need to get this back to the Twilight section, seriously. Some fangirls are rolling their eyes, right now, as I speak.”

Yeah, I see you there, with your eyes and the rolling. You know what I think? Screw you and that your deluxe edition of Eclipse. And no, you won’t get someone as ‘ahh-some’ as Edwardo. Cause he isn’t real! Maybe you’ll get a possessive pedo like Jacob, though. Good luck with that, Susie Divorcie.

“Well, not all of us can go back to Forks,” Luna replied.

“Why the fuck not?” Ron whined.

Because I wrote so, that’s why.

“I’ll go pack,” Bella announced, standing up. “You wanna join me, Edward?”

“Really, really, not,” he whispered, under his breath.

“What?!” She hollered, whipping out her… well, whip.

“I said I’m just coming, Bella… dear.” He turned half towards her, whimpering.

“Alright sweety,” she pinched his cheek and skipped like a drunken moose outside the hall.

He looked at me. “How’re the status on that dazzling thing? Any change, perhaps?”

“Nah, not so much.” I shrugged.

“Alrighty then,” he nodded, standing up, as I saluted him goodbye and stood up to pack. “Come on Jess, we’re going to Vegas.”

“What? I thought we’re going to…”

“We’ll see,” I snapped at her, smiling.

Nah, we don’t. But it would’ve been killer if we did.

Thanks a lot for reading. Hope you liked the chapter, please review. Later. :D