Judas’ Problem
Aranel Carnilino; 2008

“Okay, that’s just sick!” remarked Caiaphas. He was referring to the fact that this was the fifth time this week he would be required to replace his windows. Every time Judas came within a hundred feet of the house and sang, all the glass in the house simultaneously shattered. Not only was this bothersome, but it meant that all the bugs could get in and the glass shards landed everywhere – in coffee, tea, plants, flour – you name it! And it was so hard to fish the shards out afterward because they were almost invisible. After his fourth helping of glass shard pancakes, Caiaphas was determined to fix the problem once and for all.

There were a few options to do so. First, he could have Judas assassinated. That would do the trick, but then, that’s what he always did, and besides, Judas was proving quite useful as a spy at the moment (except that every time he came back to report on Jesus, Caiaphas’ windows shattered).

Well, he could arrange that Judas have singing lessons. That might work. Even a little improvement would help. So it was decided. Caiaphas wrote a letter to a nearby opera house and had it delivered post-haste. Then he had another letter personally delivered to Judas by his guards.

As expected, Judas initially refused the invitation, but the guards hauled him off to the opera house anyway. Judas kicked and screamed, and shattered all glass in a radius of three miles, but they finally reached their destination.

“Ah... good lad,” said the vocal instructor, Ms. Anna Thornton. Judas was tied securely into one of the theatre chairs. “Now, sing this note, please.” She played a middle C on the piano.

“No,” said Judas adamantly. “I won’t.”

The big, burly guards growled at him.

“The sooner you cooperate, the sooner you get out of here,” said one of the more diplomatic ones.

“Fine,” said Judas. “Here goes: aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAaaaHHHaAHHHHHHHHHH!”

“Help! Lemme out!” shrieked the instructor, her glasses shattering violently. When all had calmed down, she removed her wire rims and set them on top of the piano. “My, my...” she sighed. “You’re probably the only person I know who can break glass with a middle C.”

Judas grinned. “Thank-you. Jesus tried to give me lessons one time, too, but it didn’t help.”

“Poor Jesus,” commented the instructor.

“How dare you sympathize with him!” snarled a guard.

“Oh, sorry,” apologized Ms. Thornton. “I meant: serves him right for thinking he could teach you anything!”

“That’s better,” said the guard, appeased.

“Now, Judas dear,” continued the teacher, “how about we work on that C of yours, shall we?”

Judas shrugged, inwardly smirking.

“Alright, so watch me.” She sang a pristine note ending in a flawless vibrato. “Now, you try. Sing softly and purely, understand?”

“Okay,” agreed Judas. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

“Much better!” chirped Ms. Thornton, mopping sweat off her forehead with the edge of her frilly skirt.

By now, the guards had tapered candles plugged into their ears.

“How about a little… quieter?” suggested the teacher. “Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!” she sang softly.

“Oh, come on!” protested Judas. “What’s the point of singing if no one can hear you?! How about this? Do, re, me, fa…” he started quietly, then edged into “SO! LA! TI! Do! YaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!”

Ms. Thornton came out from under the piano bench and pried her hands away from her ears one by one. “Oh my. Well, perhaps you just need better content to sing. Why don’t you sing what you were going to tell Caiaphas?!”

Judas shrugged. “Alright. Why not? Ahem…”

“Very quietly, please?” added the teacher. She cringed expectantly as Judas opened his mouth to sing.

“I’m sure that He’s onto your plot.

“But the rest are a thick-headed lot.

“It seems what they’ve heard.

“Sounds just slightly absurd.

“So they’ll all be surprised when He’s caught.

“You ask how He knows that He’s done?

“Well, it ain’t that He’s ready to run.

“But He acts real depressed.

“Like I said, just a guess.

“His allusions are second to none!”

“You sing in…limericks?!” questioned the teacher incredulously, smoothing her hair back down.

“Not all the time, but it’s more fun than what everybody else usually sings,” answered Judas. “Can I go now?”

“Well,” replied Ms. Thornton, “I must say that you’ve improved quite a bit… We, uh, can just call it a day, alright, dear?” She quickly grabbed a slip of paper and began scrawling a note to Caiaphas. Handing it to the guards, she patted “poor Judas” and bid him adieu.

The guards untied Judas and flung him out the door.

“Caiaphas expects your report first thing in the morning,” said one, gruffly. “Don’t be late.”

Judas thumbed his nose at them as they were leaving and smirked. Finally! What was the big deal anyway? So what if he shattered all glass within a vicinity of three miles? Glass was cheap enough to replace. He smirked again. He’d show ol’ Caiaphas a thing or two. He’d show him.

- - - - - - -

“Hey, how’d it go?” asked Jesus, smiling disarmingly. All the other disciples were sprawled out around the red, smoldering embers of the fire, snoring away peacefully. The stars and moon were bright and cheery and there was a sweet, cool breeze stirring.

Judas grimaced. He could never sneak up on Jesus. It never worked. “Huh? How did you know about that?” Not fair.

Jesus shrugged. “Uh… Matthew’s glasses shattered again. And we kind of heard high-pitched ‘do, re, me, fa, so, la, ti’-ing. I put two and two together.”

“I was forced, I tell you! They kidnapped me!”

“Did the lessons do any good?”

“No,” said Judas firmly. “I can sing just fine without them telling me how.” And he was gonna pay out Caiaphas for good in the morning. Nobody crosses Judas and gets away with it. Nobody.

“Hmmm,” Jesus mused, laying back down, arms crossed behind his head. “Well I’m gonna try to get some sleep. Big week ahead of us, you know.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” muttered Judas. Oh, he knew. They both knew. And yet Jesus was so cool about it.

Jesus laughed softly. “Sit down, Judas. You’re making me nervous.”

Judas sat. He grabbed some bread out of the disciples’ haversack and began chewing thoughtfully. The other guys were all fast asleep. Man, if someone tried to assassinate Jesus, they wouldn’t be much use anyway. They probably wouldn’t even notice till the next morning. Just a bunch of lummoxes. Probably didn’t even know how to use a weapon. Finishing his bread, Judas laughed to himself and lay down on the soft, fresh grass, bunching it up under his head for a pillow. Camping. So much fun. He stared at the deep blue, starry sky till he finally nodded off.

- - - - - - -

The next morning, Judas was up before everyone, except Jesus, who was gone. Where, he didn’t know. Oh well. Judas sneaked away from camp and raced to Caiaphas’ luxurious house. The windows were sparkly clean and looked brand new. Judas walked over and read the tiny sticker in the lower right-hand corner of one: custom-made Plexiglass. Looking down, he saw a business card on the ground that someone had apparently dropped. He quickly picked it up and read it. “Have a Judas in your life?” read the bold bottom line. “Well, you don’t have to live with shattered windows anymore! Call Ezekiel’s Plexiglass and Window Repair today!” Judas shredded the card. He would see if stupid, stinky Plexiglass would stop him. It was time for a dawn chorus.

Caiaphas was, undoubtedly, still asleep. Judas began to warm up. “Me, me, me, me…” The windows shook threateningly. He did a Mexican r-trill. “Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” Caiaphas came to his French windows on the second floor, puzzled, and saw Judas. He quickly pulled the windows open and began gesturing and yelling frantically. Judas ignored him. And began to sing…

“I love you, you love me. We’re a happy family—”

“Noooooooooooooooooo!!” Caiaphas shrieked.

“—WITH A GREAT BIG HUG AND A KISS FROM ME TO YOU!!—”

The windows rattled violently.

“Please, I beg of you!!” Caiaphas pleaded.

Judas only went up two octaves. “—WOOOOOOOOON’T YOOOOOOOOOU SAAAAAAAY YOOOOOOOU LOOOOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEEEE, TOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!”

All of the amazingly sturdy, custom-made, 50,000-dollar Plexiglass windows in the house simultaneously shattered with a deafening report. Caiaphas stood there at his Plexiglass-less window, concurrently wringing his hands, scowling and growing bright red.

Judas grinned. Whew, that last note might’ve topped a High-C. He bowed, ignoring Caiaphas’ “interpretive dance of the exasperated dude” thingy, and strolled away, back to camp.

- - - - - - -

When he arrived, the disciples were all up, but looking extremely frazzled. Jesus was still gone.

“Hey, Judas,” said Matthew, holding up a pair of cracked glasses. “Did you hear that…erm… noise a few minutes ago?”

“It was really creepy,” put in John, who was folding up all the bedding. “Kind of like a cougar screeching or a Vampire Bat or something.”

“Or a missile,” added Simon. “You know, the high-pitched whooshing noise you hear just before you get hit?”

Judas rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh…no. Nope. Didn’t hear it. How loud was it?”

“Loud,” answered four disciples in unison. They looked at each other strangely.

“Hmm… weird,” said Judas. “Sorry about your glasses though, Matthew.”

“S’okay,” replied Matthew. “But if this keeps up, I’m switching to contacts. At least plastic doesn’t shatter like that.”

Judas suppressed a wicked grin. Doesn’t it?

The End