Windows of the Soul: Part Sixty-Three

To clarify, they 'just' slept in the same room. And it's less remarkable than I would have liked, as they've done it before. Once is an honest mistake, twice looks like carelessness, but though I'm losing track myself I'm sure this is well into the world of genuine hard work...

Today we have the quiet before the storm. Though the quiet can be louder.

I leaned against the wall of the bathroom, pulling out that envelope. Hopefully, no one had seen me take it, though I’m up against some pretty formidable people. Well, Viola aside, but Saaya, the old man, Shizuru and Reito has to be some kind of record for close observation hell, conversation be damned. Newspapers be damned, come to that. They’re all “rich people samurai art, see through stuff”, and then you’re just plain screwed.

But only Shizuru and Reito should really get it. And it’s probably okay if they understand. I locked the door, then tore the envelope open and took out what was inside. First, a small letter.

“Dear Natsuki-chan,

I’m continuing to prepare for your present, just as you asked me. It should be finished in a few weeks. It’s been hard work, though! I hope you’re very grateful.

I had about the trial today, though. That must be hard for you. I thought you could do with a little cheering up, so I sent you this part of the present early. You might find it informative and useful, or at least, it should be entertaining reading.

Don’t forget about my special present, either. I’m hold you to that.

With Love,

Eisaku Ojisan.”

I snorted, crumpling the letter and dropping it in the toilet. That bastard isn’t allowed to call me Natsuki-chan, even if it’s one of his damn deceptions. He did that just to piss me off, and I know it.

It was sent first-class, though. He’s professional when he’s being professional, at least. I dropped the letter in the toilet, then closed the seat and sat on it. And I pulled out the main contents of the envelope, ready to flick through it. Once face leapt out at me, though.

Ikumu Jouon.

Only, curiously enough, his name was written large under the photograph as Nishiki Miyata. And Ikumu Jouon was just one of several names written in a smaller font underneath. Ikumu Jouon, corporal of SAT, the JNPA’s Special Assault Team. On detached duties.

Nishiki Miyata wasn’t his name either, if I was reading this right. His real name was something else. But he was called Nishiki Miyata when he was a Sergeant of First Division, First District. Their special forces.

From one shady power group, straight into the arms of one of the shadiest and most public of all. You know, this shit makes me sick. And it’s at times like this that I don’t envy Yamada wading through it every day.

For all that, though, I also really wish I could say that I’d truly been surprised.

I bit my lip, trying to keep myself calm while I read the rest of the report. Really, though, it was just the same old bullshit. He’d been alone since before I was born. A respectable gentleman in a suit, a rich philanthropist high up in a engineering company, visited his orphanage and offered to adopt a whole bunch of the kids for his special program, aimed at giving them a ‘fresh start’. The orphanage was glad to offload after some cursory inspections of impeccable facilities. And after that, he was trained to have some special skills. The usual bullshit, some twisted mix of Stockholm syndrome and appreciation for someone, anyone paying attention, and he was eating out of their palm. He was good, though, and a dick, which meant he was promoted. Was away with a squad hunting down the remnants of the Searrs operation when Shizuru… oh, sorry, the “mysterious fire, perhaps a terrorist attack”… hit their HQ. Disappeared after that, and turned up a good member of Japan’s finest. Considered a medium threat because of his position, and not much about his movements since then. SAT is too much even for Yamada, I guess. I should be impressed that he managed to pin even that much down.

This is proof the First District is gone for good. If they’d still been operational, I’d never be reading this much detail. But strangely, that’s not really much of a comfort.

I put that document behind me, leaning back and resting my head. Great, the police officer with oversight of the case is a survivor. That’s just wonderful. It explains the weird trial, and his weird attitude. But it raises more questions than it solves. What is he planning? He’s had the chance to kill us before. So, is he less reckless than the other one? Just waiting for the moment? Or working with the government? I wouldn’t put it past anyone to want our power, if only they knew. He knows, and he probably knows us. If that’s the case- if it’s really the government- there’s not much we can do. Run to America? Yeah, right. There’s nothing about that here, though. It’s just speculation. Frankly, this wasn’t outside my calculations before, either. Like rocks falling on you because God was bored, it’s one you can’t afford to plan for, or worry about. That’d be a waste of time. So I need to concentrate on the situation right now, and exactly what this means.

Oh, and that wasn’t the only thing in the envelope, either. This day just gets better.

Umi Tsuda. Apparently, she hadn’t changed her name after the First District died.

I didn’t have any time for the story, which in any case was the same as Ikuru’s. Child soldier all grown up, charming. She’d reacted differently afterwards, though. Broadly, she’d tried to scrape some money together, then spent all of it and her time searching for Shizuru. Somehow, I doubted she’d been struck with love by my girlfriend’s beautiful face.

She was a subordinate of “Nishiki Miyata”, too. This is just fucking perfect.

I took a deep breath. Well, let’s survey this situation. The corporal and the sergeant are going to be in the same room, one as a defendant, and one as a prosecutor. Is this a twist of fate, or some messed-up plan conceived between them? More importantly, do they have a plan now? If it’s luck, it’s a perfect coincidence, certainly far too perfect for them to pass up. So it’s best to regard this as a trap, isn’t it?

Is there any way to avoid the trap? Perhaps if we become really ill, really, really fast. They wouldn’t simply postpone the trial, right? But there’s no way Shizuru’s parents wouldn’t notice, and there’s no way they’d approve. They’d want an explanation I can’t give. Even if I go, I need weapons, preferably my gun. This is that serious. But a courtroom is about the third most stupid place to carry a weapon in all of Japan, I’d never get away with it. They know the exact place and time, they’ve probably cased the courtroom, and Ikuru is allowed to carry guns, so they control this situation. We can’t overturn that, we can’t not go, and we can’t bring weapons.

A little cheering up, my arse. We’re completely cornered, and that smug bastard must have known it.

What the hell do I do now? I closed my eyes briefly, trying to stay calm. In the first place, circumstances here haven’t disappeared just because I have something else to worry about. If Shinri or Saaya get hold of this file, they’ll work everything out quickly enough. They’re not stupid, they can read between the lines. And the missing facts they’d ignore or seek, either way’s disastrous. That’s one of the worst possible outcomes. I can’t get rid of these files, though, not yet. If I memorise them then destroy them that’s fine. But I don’t have that kind of time right now.

So I did the best thing I could do in the circumstances, which was to return the files to the envelope, and slip it back under my jacket. After that, I flushed the letter down the toilet and left quickly, heading back for the lounge. I needed to talk to Shizuru, right away. The wooden floor creaked slightly under my rapid pace. Yeah, I’m pissed, and it probably shows. But more than just angry, I’m also afraid.

So of course, when I got back, Shizuru was the one who wasn’t there. And all the looking around in the world didn’t change that.

“Good morning,” Mai said, glancing at me. “Are you okay?”

“Where’s Shizuru?” I asked impatiently.

“She’s talking briefly with Shinri,” Viola said, glancing sidelong at me. “Is there something wrong?”

“No, nothing,” I said. “Besides the obvious.”

For a moment, I considered simply barging into the study and dragging Shizuru out. This was that important. No, fuck that, I could barge in and tell the old man everything, or at least enough. He’d be able to help, right? On protecting Shizuru, at least, we agree.

But that’s a panic reaction. I need to be calm and think. I still have a little time.

“I can go and get you, if you like?” Reito suggested politely, glancing thoughtfully at me.

“No thanks. I shouldn’t interrupt,” I said, glancing at him. Hmm. Yes. He’d be possible. What choice did I have? This was too big for one person, even if it was me. “You’ll do anyway. I just need a favour. Can you come a second?”

“If you say so,” Reito said, standing and following me out of the room.

And I know everyone was watching, too, but screw it. I can’t afford to worry about that at a time like this.

“This is rare,” Reito noted. “So, how can I help you, Natsuki-san?”

“Just a second,” I said warningly, walking on ahead. Once we’d got a little further away, I handed him the envelope. “Here. Though to cut a long story short, two of your special friends will be at the trial.”

“Special friends?” Reito asked curiously. He pulled out the documents. “Oh. Those special friends.”

“Right. And somehow the corporal is being tried, while the sergeant is overseeing the prosecution.” I headed for my room. “Doesn’t that sound a little dangerous to you?”

“Just a bit. At least, in theory. It’s very hard to perceive their exact intention, but the danger is nonetheless real.” Reito sighed. “It’s very disappointing, to have to worry about these things even now. But you’ve been working hard, haven’t you? I’m very impressed.”

“This is just normal, considering I want to survive,” I said. “Do you know anything?”

“Nothing you don’t, and I don’t know many things that you do, most likely,” Reito said. “I don’t have the resources to pursue this as I would like.”

“Well, in any case, we need to be careful,” I said.

“Of course.” Reito frowned. “This was never going to be a comfortable situation for anyone, but this certainly complicates things still further, in a rather unnecessary way. Assassination in broad daylight is too casual, I think… though if someone is willing to die to kill you, speaking frankly, there’s little you can do if you want to live a normal life.”

“I know. Can you order them off or something? Warn them? Negotiate?”

Reito chuckled. “You know, the First District followed the orders of the Obsidian Lord. They don’t owe anything to Reito Minagi. Not that they would listen to him, even now.”

“Right? It’s a real problem.” I stopped talking abruptly as we passed a servant.

“I’ve been worrying whether to bring Mikoto, though,” Reito said conversationally. “I’m sure this would stultify her, but if this is the situation, then it might be good for her to come after all.”

“Does it ever worry you?” I asked, frowning slightly. “Using your little sister as a weapon?”

“If it does, then I push past that fear because it works,” Reito clarified, shrugging. “And you?”

“It’s fine as long as nobody dies,” I said. “Well, it’s fine as long as none of us die. I don’t have the time to worry about our enemies.”

“Hmm. A useful attitude. But not quite so useful as your darker side before.” Reito gave me a thoughtful look. “Would you admit that there are some people you’d be more sorry to see die than others, even in our group?”

“I’m not going to even think about that,” I said sharply, staring at him. I opened the door to my room. “It’s that messed up logic that screwed us up in the Carnival.”

“Whether it’s taboo or not, I wonder whether that’s the truth of your heart. It’s very human to have priorities.” Reito waved a hand dismissively. “Well, I’m just thinking aloud. I should focus more on the matter in hand.”

“You do that,” I suggested grumpily. “This is why people have problems with you, you know. You’re always asking smart things.”

“People who genuinely tell the truth aren’t well-liked,” Reito replied. “Though, of course, I lie a lot as well.”

I rolled my eyes, heading for my wardrobe and checking through it for my special box. “Anyway. What do you suggest?”

“About this situation? We could trust court security,” Reito offered.

“He is court security,” I snapped. “That’s the problem. And there’s nothing we can do about it.” I found it, sitting down and balancing it on my knees.

“Well, we shouldn’t take anything too reckless,” Reito said warningly. “At least, not without thought. I’m more worried about what this man might do in a more subtle sense, rather than putting a gun to Shizuru’s head.”

“There’s no way anyone’s actually going to believe them about the Hime stuff, though,” I pointed out. “It sounds ridiculous. It was ridiculous.”

“Of course. But everything has an explanation. That’s to say, when an otherwise unremarkable facility turned into a fireball, that was just one part of the whole chaos… but people do like explanations. Terrorism makes more sense. As long as there is no evidence of Shizuru’s involvement, it should be an acceptable risk. On the other hand, if a man like this, a SAT member, should “discover” things over the course of an investigation, we have a real problem.” Reito flicked thoughtfully through the papers again. “The irony is that Shizuru destroyed the organisation dedicated to taking care of these things, of course.”

“Hilarious,” I said. I decided against opening this up for now. Shizuru’s parents seem okay with me being a little dangerous, but I think a gun would be too much. Questions might be asked, to say the least.

“If that woman sticks to her confession, as well, it might gain traction in a modified form elsewhere. Disreputable circles, but that’s still dangerous.” Reito sighed. “More importantly, this trial is public. We can’t eliminate the idea that others besides those two might be there or nearby, especially if he contacted them.”

“You mean we might be walking into a room with every single survivor left,” I said heavily.

“I don’t know. It’s a possibility.”

I rubbed my forehead. “We’re really in their hands, aren’t we? They’ve totally got the initiative.”

“I’m afraid so,” Reito admitted.

“Pisses me off,” I said curtly. “And I’m not wrong in saying it, am I? The only way we can count on anything is if we kill them all off.”

“Even for us, that would be dangerous. They’re very well trained, and probably armed as well, scattered though they may be… they’d fight back very effectively, and it might well be us who died by the end. To say less about the consequences-”

I glared at him. “Don’t take me that seriously.”

Otousama shifted through reams of paper placed on his desk, while I simply waited patiently. He spoke after a while. “Can you do it?”

“I’ll be fine,” I assured him, trying to sound more confident than I actually was. “It’s simple, isn’t it?”

“It should be simple. It might not be simple if circumstances are unusual. Remember, you should never simply count on things going according to plan.” Otousama glanced at me. “Though, in a similar way, if you assume the worst automatically you can destroy your own resolve.”

“Because it’s impossible to plan for the true worst possible scenario,” I said. I remember that lesson.

“Precisely. What is true is what you’ve experienced, many things more complicated than this.” He leaned against his desk, folding his arms. “In any case, I’m counting on you. Kuga isn’t well-suited to these matters, so please take care of her.”

“Of course. Though Natsuki is also competent, but I’ll do what I can.” I took a breath, trying to keep myself steady. That’s right. Everyone is relying on me.

“Please do.” He continued to scrutinise me, though. “What are you feeling right now?”

I blinked. It’s rare for Otousama to ask a direct question, after all. “I’m feeling nervous,” I said, honestly enough. “While I can and have dealt with legal situations, this is different. I’m far more personally involved, which is a great strain. I don’t relish facing that woman again, either, even under this situation.”

“I see. That’s very understandable.” Otousama folded his arms. “You’ve been worrying me recently with your abstraction.”

“Is that so? I’m sorry for troubling you.”

“That’s not what I mean,” he said, waving a hand dismissively. “Rather, what I’m trying to say is to reassure you of what you should already know. No matter what, we are family. That’s why you should come to your mother or I if you have any problem.”

I giggled. “That’s a little uncharacteristic, Otousama.”

“It’s pragmatic,” Otousama replied. “In this situation, we can do little more but offer to support you.”

“That’s true.”

“But bear those words in mind, all the same,” Otousama said firmly. “And remember as well, we can do almost anything if it is a subject of our conviction. This is no different. Not much in this world is different.”

I nodded and smiled slightly, feeling a little encouraged. That’s right, we’re not weak. We’re strong, even in this situation. “You’re right. Don’t worry, Tou-sama. I will certainly do everything needed at the trial today.”

“Well, work hard,” he said, turning and facing his desk again. “Most likely, Kuga will do the same. In that, at least, she is reliable.”

“She is a very strong person.”

“That’s so.” Otousama fell silent, but didn’t tell me to leave either. He was apparently thinking about something.

“What else should I do to prepare?” I prompted.

“Ah. Please look over this in the time we have left.” Otousama gathered together a pile of papers, handing them to me. “They were sent by one of our lawyers, and I looked over them. Fundamentally, though we’re cautious, you do have a simple role.”

“Of course. My apprehension is a little disproportionate…”

“I wonder,” Otousama replied ambiguously. He sat, swivelling his chair around and facing me again. “You’re not wrong. I dislike this situation on principle. As ever with the law, but more than usual, too much is out of our hands, and into the hands of others. It’s not a controlled circumstance.”

I blinked, wondering whether he was the one who needed reassurance. Well, I’m sure he’s worried for me, and pained that he can’t do anything himself. “That can’t be helped,” I reminded gently. “All the same, we should enjoy the sympathy of the situation. They say the courts favour the prosecution, too.”

“The expected outcome doesn’t relate to that unease,” Otousama said, waving a hand dismissively. “You don’t have to remind me of it. I simply dislike it on principle, and nothing more. It isn’t a significant point.”

I nodded briefly, beginning to read the documents he had handed me. “What are you going to do now, Tou-sama?”

“Naturally, I’ll be going,” he said. “And if the procedure is in any way irregular there will be hell to pay. I’m not so out of my place at criminal law that I can’t follow the direction of the matter.”

I nodded, trying not to smile at his tone. “I see.”

“I won’t tolerate any more roughshod moves from that young brat, either. His type are far too openly flawed.” Otousama leaned back slightly, glaring into an indeterminate distance. “It’s a disgrace that he can have such responsibilities with such an attitude. This isn’t a minor case to cut the teeth of novices.”

“Perhaps they’re trying to test exactly that through an exceptional case,” I said lightly. “Far be it from me to understand their reasoning.”

“Far be it from me, too. It’s irritating in the extreme.” Otousama tapped his knee irritably. “He shouldn’t have much role here. I hope he has no role here. Though, at least he’s a known quantity.”

I love it how one of the major point here is to be without artifice, wedged between pages of such advice and likely questions. Well, testimony shouldn’t be too difficult, right?

“That’s true,” I admitted. “It’s very disconcerting.”

“Just so long as the trial has proper resources. And they should take the proper attitude, as well. There’s little enough we gain for going through this unnecessary farce…”

I touched my lip with a finger, checking a smile. Yes, there wasn’t any doubt about it. Otousama was really worried about me. And that helped, just a little.

We went sooner than I would have liked, but at least we went together. Everyone together. Not so long ago, I would call them ambivalent, in terms of what they brought to my life. While I could certainly respect all of them, and especially Mai-chan, they were distant, uncertain, and different. They were people who kept Natsuki away from me, and they’d never transgressed with her as I had, and there was enough to suggest that she far preferred them to me. What was worse, I could not blame her for doing so. They knew my name and my nature and my crimes, but none of them were in my situation, though perhaps Reito came close. It’s inevitable to resent people who do better than you in a given circumstance. So, I didn’t have many reasons to relish them and their company.

That was before, though. Circumstances have changed, and I have a special tie to Natsuki. They’re closer and more human now, and most importantly, they treat me normally as well. And they’re trying their best to support us, as far as I can tell. Though it’s strange, I haven’t been disowned, I am one of them. Though notice that now, more than that, it’s been this way for quite some time. It’s easiest to notice on this morning, though.

There were various other matters, too.

“Ready to go?” Natsuki asked quietly, stepping close to me.

“I’m ready,” I said, feeling reassured by her proximity. If she was here, things would probably turn out okay. Though she looked very worried, too, but that’s only human. “And you?”

“Yeah. I’m fine,” Natsuki said, a little unconvincingly.

I would have said something more, but my attention was distracted by the sight of Mikoto in a kimono three sizes too big for her. That made me blink. Though she was chatting to Shiho as if nothing as changed, the latter seemed to agree with me. “Do you know why she’s dressed like that?” I asked, very quietly.

“Well, there is a specific reason,” Natsuki said. “It’s a little complicated, though. I’ll tell you later.”

I nodded slowly. “Hmm. I see…”

Actually, I had no idea what she meant, of course. But there wasn’t much meaning in challenging things loudly at this point in time.

“I’m still getting used to the suit.”

“Oh? This?” I touched my blouse thoughtfully. “I suppose so. I’d actually forgotten about it. It seems like there’s a lot to think about today.”

“Well, if that’s the judge’s fetish we’re fine,” Natsuki said flippantly. “Either way, let’s not hold back in there, okay?”

I smiled, nodding. “Of course.”

“No matter what,” Natsuki said, more forcefully than I’d expected. Her eyes, chipped emeralds, met mine and held them. “It’s a promise.”

“It’s a promise,” I echoed, a little more seriously.

And I understood what she was saying, as well. No matter what I think of that woman or myself, I can’t let that affect this. I have to go all out, without holding back. For our future.

Natsuki, far more than me, has always been able to do that. I’ll seek to emulate that strength.

Everyone is supporting me. I know that. And Natsuki is next to me. Though she’s caught up in her own worries, that still reassures me. But I can’t simply ignore this feeling of twisting nervous uncertainty. I’ve felt fear in many different circumstances, of course, so much so that I think I’m better than most at dealing with it. For exams, assessments, high-profile meetings, challenges, I can be reassured by my talent, and also by my will. This isn’t something to fear, but rather this is something I should enjoy. If I don’t enjoy it, there’s no meaning in it. So I should relish having my capability tested. And for the longest time, I was far more scared of Natsuki, and my feelings for her, and everything that entailed. Then, I simply fought to hold that fear back, but now I can say the same thing once again. Saaya said it, and in a different way Shiho implied the same thing. In any case I should know it for myself. This should also be fun, so I’ll come to enjoy it. Anticipation defeats fear.

But at that time I was scared beyond rationalisation. This isn’t as bad as that, but it recalls that, and it isn’t a circumstance I can ever bring myself to enjoy. So it’s far harder to banish this lingering fear.

When this occurred before I allowed myself to slide steadily towards oblivion, day by day. But I’m not alone any more, and I can’t simply forget others while concentrating on myself. They’re also concerned, and Natsuki is also scared. I need to remember that. That resolve, though, can’t simply banish this person fear of mine. This personal guilt I can’t speak of aloud.

So I’ll speak of other things.

“Shall I tell you something, Natsuki?” I asked quietly. “It’s a little ironic. But it feels appropriate to say it now.”

“What is it?” Natsuki asked, sounding a little distracted.

I leaned sideways, whispering into his ear. “You knew where their HQ was, didn’t you?”

Natsuki blinked, glancing at me. Then she nodded cautiously.

“I didn’t know whether you did,” I explained, keeping my tone low. “So, when I did some independent research based on what you were interested in, and found it, I didn’t tell you. Do you know why?”

“You were afraid I’d do something reckless?” Natsuki asked.

I nodded. “In part, yes. But I was also afraid for them, rather than you. Though I understood your strong feelings, I didn’t you to become a murderer. And I didn’t want to become an accessory to murder…”

Natsuki blinked, staring at me for a moment. “I see,” she said eventually, and nothing more.

I turned my head away, smiling slightly. “People can change their minds quite quickly, when they have nothing left but convictions. It’s a little depressing. That’s why we’re in this situation, in more ways than one.”

“Because it’s better than having nothing, right?” Natsuki asked seriously. Because I suppose she also understands.

Should I have told her? I don’t know. My actions at that time are now indelibly refracted by the hindsight of my eventual sins, so I can’t assess anything any more. Not about this.

Saaya looked at me curiously. No doubt she was thinking we’d been talking about that, perhaps. I hadn’t let her hear the really important things, and that’s one truth I will always and forever keep to myself. For both of us.

And this is a timely reminder, in a strange way. I still remember everything, and so does Natsuki. We’re still both marked and influenced by our pasts, the Carnival, my mistakes. No matter what else has changed, no matter if I’m happier now, no matter if we are in love, that won’t disappear. I’m still going spend the rest of my life remembering that day, and bearing that day in mind, and the world around me and everyone in it won’t ever allow me to forget. We can’t simply deny what we once were, what we once did, the people we hurt and killed, the strange and hellish world we had to enter at that time and the ways it has changed us. We’ve seen the worst of man, I have embodied the worst of man, and we’ve fought each other with the intent to kill. Undoubtedly that time has many victims and many sorrows.

But that doesn’t mean I have to apologise for living. I’m through with that by now, and from now on, we’re both continuing in our own ways, together as well. What we did then remains part of us, but it doesn’t define us. How much I hurt Natsuki then doesn’t mean I can’t make her happy now. Even if it’s a little complacent for me to believe firmly in that, I know she doesn’t want me to hate myself. And even if I killed so many people, dying won’t make a difference. I believed that even in my darkest days, and more so now. So, I really don’t have to apologise. There was no nobility or justice or meaning in that attack on my life. It would only leave yet more loss and sadness. In other words, no matter what, I shouldn’t hold back. My intention to live on in spite of that past which won’t leave me isn’t so weak that I’ll try and spare that woman’s feelings.

And when all this is over, we’ll return to happier things, Natsuki and I.

Natsuki was tapping her knee, fingers moving in agitation. I briefly brushed my fingers over her knuckles, still their movement. “Don’t worry. If it is you and I, there won’t be a problem.”

“I know,” Natsuki said, pouting at me. “I’m not worried, you know. Well, not that much, anyway…”

I smiled, remembering Otousama’s words. “Let’s work hard.”

That’s right. Even if I don’t enjoy this, I should still be glad. I have a chance to further break the binding of my past, if only I can look her in the eyes.