Author's Note: Yup, I decided to keep writing even though I'll always feel that my writing isn't even half as good as other stories here. Now, before you all kill me, I just want to say that I don't hate Kaidan. I admit that I used to, but only because I was frustrated that he was chosen as the female love interest instead of Garrus. I've gotten over that now (mostly) and I like the guy more than I did at first, but I doubt I'd ever romance him. He's an awesome character, don't get me wrong, but not one I'd hook up with. This came about from listening to 'Reverie' by Lacuna Coil and would absolutely not leave me alone till I wrote it down, plus it was partially inspired by JadeTheCon's 'Bitter Reflections' story, which I really liked (go read it, people!)

I also felt the need to write something like this due to the mood I've been in, sorry. This is tied into Storm Gray (somewhat) and takes place between it and Moving Forward, and is from Kaidan's point of view. This is my first and probably last attempt at writing Kaidan, so I apologize if he's out of character. Don't worry, I probably won't write something like this again but I just had to get this out. Once again, Mass Effect and its characters are © BioWare.

Edit: Replaced a sentence near the end that had gone missing last time I edited the story.

"I understand, Commander..." I reply just as softly, keeping my voice gentle as I accepted the fact that I wasn't going to leave this world... not alive anyway. Her voice cracks, making it hard for me to understand her already soft tone over the comm system, but I understand how much this is hurting her. We're all like family to Commander Julia Shepard -- all of us. I want to tell her not to cry, but from past experiences in trying to offer her comfort, the exact opposite would always happen, and that is the last thing I want to do to her right now. 'Don't cry, Commander...' I yearn to tell her. 'I know your choice is for the best.'

Ever since I lost Rahna, I swore to never love again... until I met Julia Shepard. There are just too many things about her to keep me from not taking notice of her: those expressive storm gray eyes, her rich, coppery red skin, but most of all -- her kindness.

Even though she rejected me after all the times I'd try to flirt with her, she still accepts me as a friend and treats me as a brother, something I'm grateful for since I've never had a real family I could remember outside everyone else at the orphanage I had grown up in. A part of me still yearns for her to be so much more; however, even though I know that her heart belongs to... Garrus.

I've told myself that I'll never understand what she sees in him. She's a human and he's a Turian, and I admit that I've never really cared much for Turians because of what happened to Rahna back in brain camp with that bastard Vyrnnus. What did I do? I killed him, of course. But I can't help but wonder: would I ever do something like that again? Even though I know that Garrus would never hurt Shepard, a good part of me would always feel a surge of jealousy whenever he would so much as look at her with the same affection I felt -- I feel -- for her.

When I saw her kiss him back at the Salarian campsite, I could do nothing but look away, my hands clenching into fists, as I felt my heart being torn in half. It hurt, but I've accepted her choice -- both of them.

When a choice had to be made for one of us to aid Captain Kirrahe's commando unit, Ash and I both volunteered. Volunteering for missions, no matter how dangerous, had become something of a second nature for me since I had first joined the Alliance Military, but I've always done all I could to be a valuable asset to the crew, and to make her proud of me... I guess I also just needed something to help get my mind off of Shepard, a task that would always prove to be as difficult as throwing a Krogan -- without the help of biotics.

Things had been going well, we managed to take out an AA tower, but then Saren and his army of Geth arrived, pinning us down and killing the Captain. Our unit, save for two Salarians and myself, had been decimated. It was then I had contacted Shepard, telling her of the situation, and she had been on her way to rescue us until further disaster had struck. Ash had armed the nuke earlier than anticipated, and there was now only time for the Commander to rescue one of us... either me or Ash... and not both...

I understand why Shepard chose to rescue Ashley, and I don't hold it against her. Ash has a family, and after what had happened on Noveria, Shepard had been upset about having to kill Liara's mother, Matriarch Benezia. Shepard has never enjoyed tearing families apart, and even though I never truly had one, I felt some degree of understanding. She's lost family in the past, her twin brother and her father, and she once told me that the last thing she would ever do, if she could help it, was to tear a family apart.

A shadow passes over me, and I look up to see the Normandy ascending through the clouds. Despite the fact that I'm knocking on Death's door, I manage a small smile at knowing that even though I'll die, Shepard will live. She's the galaxy's last hope, and if my sacrifice will ensure that she is able to stop Saren once and for all: so be it. I wince and fall to one knee, a hand raising up to press against my right side. I've suffered more than enough injuries during this one-sided battle alone than I have during my entire military career... or at least it feels that way. It hurts to breathe, and I grit my teeth and force myself back to my feet as a Geth charges at me. Fighting against the pain of my injuries, I manage to put the damn thing out of commission by overloading its circuits and sending it up into the air with help from my biotics. I hear the unmistakable sound of the nuke detonating in the distance as more Geth charge at me, and I'm determined to go down the only way I know how to: fighting.

This is my fate, and I'm going to accept it... for her...

As the shock wave from the nuke's blast washes over me and my adversaries, the last image I see before the blackness claims me is the face of the Cherokee woman who will always mean so much to me. 'Goodbye, Commander Julia Shepard, I'll always love you...'

Take care of her, Garrus. I know you'll be able to make her happy... more than I ever could.