Pairings: Tabby

Warnings: mild language.
Genre: Humor/Suspense

Word Count: 2228

Written for the ‘I can think of worse days…’ challenge on NFA. It’s Tabby, friendship or suggestive relationship, you decide. Perhaps a little shorter, and much less serious, than my other fics. In comparison with ‘Nothing,’ this is a slapstick. :P

I love you reviewers! ;D

And yes, it’s a play on words with ‘Deep Blue Sea.’ We love you, Samuel L. Be it snakes or sharks. X3

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

It was one of those beautiful, sparkling, summer days.

For Tony, these days usually consisted of sitting at his desk in the bullpen and staring wistfully out the window at the harbour while layers and layers of paperwork slowly accumulated at his desk.

His computer’s email inbox received so many emails that for some reason, they’d started to delete themselves.

It was kind of weird, actually, like a horribly mutated creature that multiplied and had started feeding off its own tail or something.

He needed McGee’s help, but he didn’t really have the courage to ask for it lest he be teased mercilessly for his ‘technological illiteracy’ as McGee so affectionately called it.

But today, today he was free to enjoy the summer sun and the open air, because today, the Major Case Response team had a holiday.

‘But crime doesn’t take a day off!’ he could imagine Gibbs arguing in his best Tommy Lee Jones voice, thrusting his thumbs into the elastic of his pants and glowering shootout-style at the Director.

Well, unfortunately for Gibbs, neither does the Department of Employment and Industrial Relations, and they had ordered the Director to give them all one immediate day’s holiday, as well as five individual days off to use whenever they wanted without cutting into their sick days or unpaid leave time.

Because apparently, they were ‘overworked,’ simply because they lacked the chagrin to ask for time off.

So, today, Tony was free from the shackles of work life.

He was young, and he was free, and he was going to the beach in celebration.

Admittedly, Tony had let himself go a little bit this year. As a teenager, he was slim and taut and muscular with a six-pack and some pretty mean pectoral muscles. And now?

Well…

At least he was still in better shape than Probie.

In any case, here he was. He’d waded his way to waist-deep water and was getting pummelled by the rather large swell, which he took like a man, as always.

About twenty yards to his left, there was a gorgeous brazillian woman swimming, ducking under the waves and standing up and pushing back her hair and doing the whole ‘Into The Blue’ water-cascading-off-her-hair thing, much to Tony’s delight.

Admittedly, she looked about sixteen, but still.

Tony had caught her eye a few times and gave her his best Hollywood smile, which she coyly returned, all before giggling girlishly and ducking underneath the waves again.

She wasn’t the only one, mind. This beach was literally covered with hot chicks.

So, as always, driven by testosterone and the need to impress, Tony did his best porpoise dive and freestyled out of the shallower water beyond the breakers, until all he had to contend with in terms of keeping himself afloat were those large, unbroken, graceful waves that rose and fell without cresting, which he floated over without a care in the world.

It was colder out here, and darker, which meant the ocean was deeper.

That was okay. Well, he couldn’t see anybody else who was as far out as he was right now, but it was still okay, because it was summer and sunny and he had a day off, thank the gods!

Tony reclined back on the crystalline waters and started to daydream about what he would do once the novelty of basking in the sea wore off..

He could go grab some McDonalds, rent out some movies, go clubbing tonight… Because he was back to work tomorrow and the last thing he wanted to do was take his one-day-off for granted.

He was just beginning to unwind when something smooth and slippery bumped against his leg.

Tony’s eyes shot open, the relaxed bliss swiftly falling from his face.

What the hell was that?!?

Something long, thick, greyish and striped half-surfaced amidst the waters, moving gracefully like the arced back of a serpent causing Tony’s eyes to boggle in disbelief.

A wave passed over him and by the time it had passed them, whatever it was submerged again.

Tony could see a long, lithe shadow circling beneath him.

It would frequently disappear for a few seconds while waves rolled over, but always returned.

Oh holy god, thought Tony in a blind panic, Tiger Shark!

He didn’t know how on earth how he’d drawn that conclusion, but he was absolutely, one hundred percent positive that he was being stalked by a god-damn tiger shark, and now all he wanted to do was drown himself right here before the thing took a chunk out of his leg.

Alright. Okay. He’d seen ‘Open Water’ a few times.

Relax, Tony, he told himself. If there was one thing he’d learnt from that movie… It was not to panic.

Tiger sharks were one of the most aggressive sharks…

They were renowned for their tendancy to eat anything and everything, including license plates…

They could grow to be up to 6 metres long… alright, he wasn’t helping himself.

In ‘Open Water,’ the girl gets bitten by a shark at first and then doesn’t realize until fish start swarming her.

Which doesn’t make any sense, of course, because if Tony got his leg chomped on by a shark, he was completely positive he would notice.

Would he?

Suddenly overcome with anxiety, he began to pat himself down, checking for any significant missing pieces of flesh he might have missed.

His gut went cold for a moment when he thought he’d found a bite mark, but warmed up with relief moments later when he realised it was simply the indent behind his knee. Tony. You idiot.

Bump. There was a distinct tap as something brushed up against him and Tony resisted the urge to scream like a little girl and flail. Instead, he whimpered incoherently as another wave rose over him and passed, his teeth beginning to chatter.

Okay. Stop it, Tony, he thought to himself.

You can do this- it’s just a shark. Less than 5 people die by shark a year.

“It’s just an oversized, stripey fish with teeth, and you’re going to get out of here alive,” he said aloud to himself, comforted by the sound of his own voice.

No… Wait!

What the hell was he saying?

In ‘Deep Blue Sea,’ Samuel L. Jackson stood up on that little podium and made a speech like that, and then a shark jumped out from behind him and ate his ass.

He couldn’t think positively. Sharks were attracted to positive thoughts.

He’d get munched on if he was too optimistic.

Okay, he’d made that up. But he did know that sharks had that weird electrical sense thing, and they could sense one-billionth of a bolt of movement, so the tiger shark below him was probably fully aware that right now his guts were wrapping themselves around his spleen in unadulterated terror.

He’d seen a documentary once about sharks, which said they were less likely to attack when they were struck on the nose or gouged in the eyes.

While sticking his fingers into a 1200 pound fanged fish wasn’t particularly appealing, if worst came to worst, he was fully prepared to go down fighting.

Bump.

This time the bump was at his thigh, near his hip, becoming increasingly way too close for comfort.

He really didn’t want the shark’s first bite to be there.

If he was going to be ripped to shreds, he’d rather not be emasculated in the process.

Maybe the shark had mistaken him for a seal? He’d heard that they often mistook diver’s silhouettes for seals.

Apparently they bumped people before biting, as an attempt to figure out exactly what they were.

Oh, Christ!

That’s what the shark was doing! It was bumping the crap out of Tony so that it could figure out exactly what type of animal it was before it ripped him to shreds.

Alright.

Bring it, sharkie, thought Tony with vehemence as another wave rolled over and the shark disappeared momentarily before appearing below him again.

This time it was drawing closer- Tony could see the indistinct dark shape moving through the water.

Closer, close enough to kick.

Closer still, to his thighs, and then to his waist, so close that Tony could pull it into an embrace and strangle it if he wanted to.

And then…

Smack!

Tony’s fist shot out, aiming blindly for where he thought the shark’s muzzle would be. His knuckles hit something solid with a satisfying 'thunk.'

“That’s for eating Samuel L. Jackson!”

He realised, bemused, that there were tendrils of hair tickling his fingers.

He didn't know a whole lot about sharks, but he was pretty damn sure they didn't have fur.

Confused, Tony grabbed a hold of whatever it was that he’d just punched, which was evidently not any type of shark he’d ever heard of.

However, instead of pulling up some kind of hairy mutated were-shark as he expected, he hauled up one familiar dark-haired forensics expert by the waist.

He’d meant to grab whatever it was and pull it to him to avoid getting bitten, but instead inadvertently pulled Abby in towards his body until they were so close that they were nose-to-nose.

The hair on the back of Tony’s neck prickled pleasantly.

“Wow, Tony,” she said with a giggle and a mischievous grin. “You don’t know your own strength.”

“Abby?!” he said incredulously, hardly able to believe it, not sure whether he should be relieved that she wasn’t a man-eating monster the size of a small boat or pissed off that she’d convinced him she was one.

“I thought you were a god-damn shark!” he gasped, still in a state of disbelief, his legs still half-numb with nerves.

“I know, and I wasn’t even wearing a fin. Your fault for being gullible and my fault for swimming too close,” she mused in reply, rubbing her bruised shoulder, her teeth white and her expression impish.

“That was not funny, at all,” he berated her sternly, though he couldn’t help but share her infectious grin, a little sheepishly. “I could have knocked you out. How the hell did you breathe?”

“I waited for the waves and then went up for breath whenever you were still underneath the water,” she replied, referring to the moments when he was forced to duck under the waves to stop himself from being totalled by the undercurrents.

Tony’s heart was still thundering spectacularly and Abby seemed to notice, gazing appreciatively, if a little guiltily, at his thundering pulse which was causing the muscles in his neck to palpitate wildly.

"I can't believe you'd do that to me, Abby. You know i hate sharks. Any longer, and i'd have passed out."

"No you wouldn't, because you are far too manly for that and we both know you wouldn't dare faint in front of all these brazillian babes."

Tony grinned. "Touche."

"Besides," continued Abby with an air of curiousity, staring across the glistening waters as if deep in thought. "A shark is just a big fish, really. There's more danger sitting in an elevator. I'm more scared of volcanoes, myself."

"Volcanoes?! Are you shitting me? Ninety percent of volcanoes are dead, and the ones that arent only explode, like, once every hundred years. A fish with teeth is scarier than a big hunk of rock and some fire on so many levels..."

"I don't think you are familiar with my problem," said Abby defensively, wrinkling her nose apathetically.

"I think that I am familiar with the fact that you are going to ignore this particular problem until it swims up and BITES YOU ON THE ASS!" replied Tony with a haughty chuckle, eyes narrowed wickedly, boundlessly proud of himself for sneaking in a direct 'Jaws' quote so seamlessly.

The fact that he was holding her so close gave way to Tony’s sudden realisation that this was like a scene out of a bad 70’s horror-romance film and he grinned cheesily, seriously considering letting slip something from 'The Hills Have Eyes' or the 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre,' but god knew she'd probably have no idea what the hell he was on about.

“You know I can’t let this slide,” said Tony seriously. “You can’t just follow me to the beach and scare the shit out of me and expect everything to peachy.”

Abby raised a dark eyebrow, her green eyes appraising him saucily in silent challenge. “Are you declaring war, Agent DiNozzo?”

Tony cocked his head with an expression of feigned innocence before baring his teeth in a malign grin. “Maybe?”

His tone was more heavily suggestive than he’d intended it to be and Abby’s eyebrows arced even higher, nodding in sassy acceptance of his challenge before letting out a sharp bark of laughter.

Tony still hadn’t let her go.

“You know, it could have been worse,” she told him, head tilted, her legs thrashing in tandem with his in order to keep them both afloat.

Tony snorted whimsically and nodded disbelievingly in response. “Oh really. Like how?”

Abby chuckled, now having completely forgotten about the blow to the shoulder, and eased her arms around Tony’s neck, a smile of smug satisfaction across her perpetually cheerful face.

“I could have pushed you into a wood chipper.”