DISCLAIMER: I don't own Labyrinth or any of the characters associated with the film. They are the property of the Jim Henson Company. I do own all other characters.

WARNING: This story is rated M for language mainly. Sarah drops the F-bomb a lot. The end.

AN: I fear plot holes, and yet...I don't care. GAHAHAHAHA!

Yeah, that really didn’t happen. No way. I laughed outright.

“Yeah, right. Good one,” I said between giggles.

His expression didn’t change and my smile died quickly. “You were kidding, right?”

Jareth glowered at me and said nothing. My head just starting moving on it’s own accord, shaking from side to side like a demented metronome. He hadn’t said that he would be my boyfriend, it’s just bloody impossible. No fucking way. Not in a million, bajillion years. I mean, I don’t want anything to do with him! Besides, Goblin Kings make the worst kind of boyfriends…I think…I guess. I don’t know. But, I don’t want to find out either!

“You can’t,” I managed to croak, despite my bobbling head.

“I can and I will,” he said sharply.

“No…I…you can’t! You can’t make me,” I paused, disgusted by what I was about to say, “date you!”

“I warned you eleven years ago, Sarah. I would come and collect. Here I am,” he paused to grin sinisterly, “collecting.”

I couldn’t say anything. My mouth just kept flapping open and closed without any sound, like a…a…fish. There was no way! But, apparently there was. I mean, he thought there was anyway. I pulled my blanket over my head.

“What if I don’t want to date you?”

“I don’t care.”

Infuriated, I pulled the blanket from my head and sat up to glare at him. “You don’t care!? Some boyfriend you’ll make.”

I’d never been so…so…insulted! I am not chattel! I didn’t ask for his stupid gift!

“But you used it well enough, didn’t you?” he said, his nose back in my novel.

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Jareth, you cannot continue reading my mind while we’re…dating.”

Uhg, how disgusting. It pained me to even utter it. Ew. Jareth lowered the book and just looked at me as though I were foolish, foolish little girl. He didn’t say anything, just looked at me. God! He was so annoying! So…so….infuriating!

“Can’t you, like, lock me in a dungeon or something?” I asked desperately.

It may be a little dank, but at least I wouldn’t have to hang around Jareth and pretend to laugh at his jokes. Wait…did he even tell jokes? I peered at him and tried to imagine him cracking a joke. I snorted to myself when the image of him saying: “So a priest, a rabbi, and a preacher walk into a bar…” Yeah, that would never work. I mean, punchlines would be beyond His Royal Seriousness. All I could really imagine him doing is mocking me mercilessly and finding that amusing.

“I can, to both your questions,” he said wryly while smiling, “But, I won’t.”

“Look, buddy,” I said, snapping back to reality and pointing a finger at him, “You absolutely cannot read my mind. I can’t handle it. I’ll go insane.”

A small, almost taunting smile spread across his face. “How droll.”

I growled at him. Who growls?! Me, apparently. “You can’t read my mind!!! You CANNOT. It’s not cool!!!!”

“Cool?” he asked, his brow furrowing.

“Argh!” I screamed, pulling my blanket over my head again. I couldn’t even look at him. It’s not like I needed to for him to have a conversation with me. He could just READ MY MIND.

“There is something that will stop it, Sarah,” he said quietly.

“Oh, go away…wait…what?” Again, the blanket flew off and I jumped out of bed and flew at him. I gripped his woolly sweater, which was actually quite scratchy under my hands. Didn’t he find that annoying? Oh, who cares?

“What do I have to do to make you stop reading my mind?”

His lips curled up on one side and he said nothing. I narrowed my eyes at the bastard. “What?” I hissed.

“You won’t like it.”

“Let me decide that!”

The other side of his lips now curled upwards as well, as though he were enjoying a private little joke with himself.

“Jareth!” I practically screeched.

Then, BAM, suddenly he pulled himself forward and kissed me. He KISSED me. And, more appallingly, I found myself responding. My bastard, traitor of a body REACTED to him! My evil, cursed lips actually PARTED to grant his sneaky, slippery tongue access to my FOUL, CHEATING MOUTH! GAH! I AM SO DISGUSTING! And, yet, here I am, enjoying a kiss from the Goblin King. Then, as quickly as he’d started it, he ended it. Jerk.

I stood for a moment, my hand still clenching his shirt loosely, despite the fact that he had slumped back into the chair and was watching me with mild interest. My lips were still parted, freaking kiss-bruised and swollen, and my eyes were only half open. I was in a daze. I couldn’t quite comprehend what had happened. Jareth had kissed me, and despite the fact that I despised him, I had enjoyed it. A wave of mental nausea washed over me and I was immediately disgusted with myself and my reaction. How dare he! How dare he think he can storm into my HOME and KISS me!

“How da-,” I started, and then I paused. He had said that something could stop the mind reading; could this have been it?!

“No,” he said flatly, “And, rightly so. Your thoughts are highly amusing. I’m not sure I want to give them up.”

UHG! “How DARE you!” I shrieked, finally.

“How dare I what, exactly?”

“How dare you…you…KISS ME! And, read my mind! And, exist! And…” I was off on an unstoppable tirade! There was nothing he could say or do that would quench this rage!

“Attract you?”

I was silent, with my mouth just hanging open. Well, yes, but… THAT BASTARD! Wait, he can read my mind: YOU BASTARD! ATTRACT ME? FORGET IT! NOT IN A MILLION, BAJILLION YEARS! I growled again, and then I remembered to breathe. Slowly, calmly. Count to ten. Breathe. One. Two. UHG!!! BASTARD! Three. Four. Five. Six. Seveneightnineten! I raised my chin in silent defiance.

“Why did you kiss me?” I said as calmly as I could, through gritted teeth.

Jareth shrugged smugly. Bastard. “ Opportunity must be taken where offered.”

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, finally unhanding his shirt and stepping back. I squared my shoulders. “How can I get you to stop reading my mind?”

He looked at me with raised eyebrows and lifted the book again. He began reading without answering my question.

“Jareth?” I said, my calm quickly escaping me.

“You’re not ready,” he said, from behind the book.

I was ready to fly at him again, but I remained rooted and outwardly calm.

“And, when do you imagine I will be?”

He lowered the book slightly and peered at me over his ridiculous spectacles. “After we’ve been dating a while.”

I narrowed my eyes at him again. Oh, I see how it is. Well, two can play at this. I walked back to my bed slowly and crawled under the covers.

“Jareth, I’m not feeling well.”

He set aside the book. “Is there anything you’d like, Sarah?”

“Yes, I’d like you to leave and let me get some rest, please.”

Jareth frowned at me and I struggled to keep a smile from forming on my face. “I’m afraid that won’t be possible, Sarah.”

“Jareth, you should go. You see, I’m not that kind of girl and now that I’m clearly not in any danger of dying from this illness, I think it’s best you go.”

Jareth narrowed his eyes at me and his frown deepened. “Sarah, I’m your boyfriend…”

“Exactly. Which means you should go home, call me in three days or so, unless you want to appear desperate, and ask me out on a date. You can’t stay here.”

AHA! Sarah: 1, Jareth: …well, shut up. He frowned at me some more and said nothing, standing up quietly.

“I see what you are playing at, Miss Williams. I’ll go along with it…for now.”

He started to fade away and I panicked a little. My neighbour had seen the jerk, he couldn’t just disapparate!

“Jareth!” I said sharply, sitting up in bed. He became solid again.

“Yes?”

I flopped down into my pillow. “Use the door, please.”

He scowled and I snuggled into my pillow a little more. I smiled contentedly as the door clicked shut. I closed my eyes and started to drift off to sleep. I was caught in a lovely dream: Jareth was kissing me and it was divine. I didn’t fight it, I didn’t want to. His arms felt so nice around me. Everything was just lovely. It was nice to have physical contact and he smelled so good. Suddenly, the sound of his laughter filled my head and I was shocked back to consciousness.

What had I been DREAMING? ENJOYING PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH JARETH? DISGUSTING! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Uhg. The sooner I could figure out how to get him to stop reading my mind, the sooner I could begin Project Be-The-Worst-Girlfriend-Ever. I would invoke the ancient rite of all females and embody the worst stereotypes imaginable. I would be clingy. I would be needy. I would demand gifts. I would take him for granted. I would run him into the ground. I would flirt mercilessly with other men. I would start fights without any logical reasoning – and even better without him reading my mind, I wouldn’t HAVE to have logical reasoning. That would have him running.

I sniggered to myself. Oh, yes. He would curse the day he decided to become my boyfriend. He would loathe me and I would be FREE! Why hadn’t I thought of this earlier? Oh, right. I hadn’t thought that he would have such a nasty plan in mind. But, really, this all made it very simple. It would be easy to be rid of him once I had him out of my head. Now, it’s best to stop thinking about this little plan lest he’s listening in.