AN: Italics are thoughts.

Chap 17: Slashy-

I don’t know why I’m doing this, Meredith thought as she exited the Jumper. Why does Sheppard insist on calling me Rodney?! Though it does seem familiar…

Meredith sighed, “My name,” she said, stepping onto the Jumper’s ramp and into the light, “is Meredith.”

There were a chorus of gasps, Weir covering her mouth, Carson’s jaw dropping open with a strangled sound- his face a mix of shock and horror. The medics stood, one looking confused at the outburst over a pregnant woman, the other chattering quietly but rapidly that the woman was actually a man, to which the medic’s face paled considerably and he took a step back as if pregnancy- or sex change- was contagious.

“Bloody Hell,” Carson whispered before shaking his head and getting to work.

“Welcome back, Doctor McKay,” Weir said diplomatically, as always schooling her face to a pleasant mask to hide her true feelings.

Meredith smiled weakly at her, Dr. Elizabeth Weir. Her brain whispered, memories of the woman in front of her- rain soaked and trembling- flashing through her mind before being pushed away for the slightly more comprehensible present, “Hello, Elizabeth,” Meredith managed.

“Bloody Hell, Rodn- uhm, Meredith; what have you gotten into this time?!” Carson asked.

Meredith looked at him dryly, only the strong affection she felt for him tempering her acidic reaction. Dr. Carson Beckett. She recalled; the sudden flash of their lips pressed together brought only a sense of disgust and wry amusement.

“Gee, Carson. With all your medical training, you still can’t recognize a pregnant woman? I think you need to practice on a few more sheep.”

Carson tried to look offended, but couldn’t hide a smile at the familiar scathing tone.

“Aye there, Lass. I can see that! How you got that way however…” Carson’s face fell in thought.

Meredith shifted, feeling uncomfortable with the sudden looks of pity being thrown her way. I hate this.

“Well, you see Carson, the stork flies in…” she said, her face twisting unhappily. They think they know what happened to me, but they don’t. I’m only cooperating for Kolya’s sake, Meredith thought firmly. But they’re my friends…

Sheppard interrupted, and Meredith felt momentarily thankful.

“Why don’t you just take her to the infirmary and check her out, Doc? I’ve got to go, and I know you and Meredith are dying to catch up.”

Carson and Sheppard shared a weighty look, “Yes, yes of course. Come on, Meredith; let’s get you checked out properly, eh?” Carson said, taking her gently by the arm and leading her towards the infirmary. She grumbled, but went willingly, the medics following behind cautiously, still whispering about the latest occurrence.

-000-

Meredith winced as Carson examined her. It felt weird… unnatural.

Carson’s serious expression as he pulled away, however, was, sadly, not unfamiliar at all.

That’s his uh-oh face, Meredith thought.

“Okay Carson, give me the bad news,” Meredith said tightly, fear welling up.

Carson looked up, surprised, “H-how did you know? Oh, never mind,” Carson said with a sigh, “I forgot who I was talking to for a minute.”

“And, so, therefore…” Meredith prodded impatiently.

“We need to run more tests,” Carson said.

“Oh, come on! Just spit it out man!”

“There’s a good chance that you and the baby won’t survive the birth!” Carson said suddenly, his face twisted in dismay.

Won’t survive! Oh, God! Kolya! I can’t lose our baby!

“Oh, is that all?” Meredith asked calmly, her mask firmly in place.

“Bloody hell, woman! Dinna ya hear a word I said?!” Carson exclaimed, his brogue thickening with fear.

“Oh, it’s just your usual voodoo prophecies,” Meredith said calmly. What do I do? My child! What happened? I thought I was okay! What do I do?!

“Voodoo?!” Carson cried, “Are ye mad?!”

“Carson,” Meredith interjected, “What are my options?” He can do something! I know he can. Heck, this is the man that… Flashes of memory flitted through Meredith’s mind- Carson healing, helping, working miracles.

Carson calmed a bit, settling seriously into the chair next to her bed, “I can do a C-section. That will give the baby a strong chance of survival… but the trauma will aggravate your injuries almost as much as natural labor. Your chances would still be poor.”

The baby! Kolya’s child! He will survive this, Meredith thought, pushing aside the nagging fear for her own life.

“Fine. Let’s do that then.”

“Rod… Meredith, you have to understand… there’s a large risk that… well, that you won’t make it,” Carson said, his voice rough with emotion.

Meredith raised an eyebrow, “Come on, Carson, I know you. You’ll pull some miracle out of your pocket at the last minute. No worries.”

Carson sputtered for a moment, flattered and flabbergasted simultaneously.

“I’m tired,” Meredith said before Carson could respond. She turned away and closed her eyes, feigning sleep.

Carson shook his head and departed, leaving Meredith to her thoughts.

I’ll be fine. He really is a good doctor. He just overreacts, that’s all. I’ll be fine. I miss Kolya…

-000-

“I’m not going to die!” Meredith shouted, her arms waving wildly as she spoke. No, no, no! Stupid Sheppard, bringing up things he doesn’t know about, as usual! Taking me from Kolya, dragging me from my home, only to tell me I’m doomed?! What is he, the angel of death or something?!

“But what if you do?!” Sheppard shouted back, his face red with frustration, “Who will take care of your baby? Have you made any plans? Spoken to anyone about it? Or are you going to just hope that we can find a safe place in this Wraith-infested galaxy for it to live?!”

Angry tears ran down Meredith’s cheeks, “This is all your fault! If you’d have just left me on that planet with Kolya…” You always think you know what’s best for me! You never listen! And when I needed you… You left me!

Sheppard interrupted, “Then you and your child would die! Do you really want that?!”

“No,” Meredith whispered, looking down at her swollen belly. My child will be fine! I’ll be fine… I think.

Sheppard continued, oblivious, the isolation room reverberating with his voice, “This is all Kolya’s fault! He hurt you! He is the one that is endangering your life right now! I should kill him!”

Meredith’s icy voice broke in, “Kolya NEVER hurt me! Never! It’s YOUR fault! It was your reward, your bounty” she spat the word, “that hurt me! If I die, then you are the one who killed me!” Your fault! Yours! Your fault you didn’t listen to me! Your fault I was captured! Your fault that you let Kolya… take me through the gate.

Sheppard rocked back, his face suddenly white.

“Get out!” Meredith screamed, pointing to the door, “I never want to see you again! GET OUT!” No! No, I went with Kolya on purpose! He didn’t take me; he would never force me… Would he?

Sheppard left, his hands fumbling at the doorknob.

When he was gone, Meredith buried her face in the pillow and wept. I love Kolya. I do. I chose him. We belong together. She thought frantically, fingering the ring he had given her in promise.

-000-

The letters needed to be written. Meredith realized that now. The trouble was that she had no idea how to approach it.

Since Sheppard had left memories poured forth in never-ending waves. Pain, death, laughter, fear. Meredith knew that she was living on borrowed time.

Rodney was back, hovering loudly in the back of her mind.

I never left! He shouted, his obnoxious voice causing her to wince.

Hush! Meredith commanded. You can’t handle this, and you know it! Now, let me think.

Oh, like you’ve done a bang up job… Getting us banged up! And with Kolya! Ewww!

Shut up! Meredith thought firmly; paper crumpling in her fisted hands.

Rodney fell silent, forced back to his dark corner.

Meredith began to write, deciding that the less Jeanie had to deal with at one time the better. If she told her that it was her brother’s baby, who happened to be a woman at the time, who happened to be captured by a bad guy, who she happened to fall in love with and the baby was their love child… Well, it could get a little confusing.

-000-

Sheppard was back. Meredith was pretending to be asleep once again, thoughts spinning around her mind at the speed of light.

“I want Jeanie to take care of him,” Meredith said suddenly, startling Sheppard from his thoughts.

“W-what?” Sheppard asked.

Meredith’s hand appeared from under the blanket, shoving a folded letter towards Sheppard.

“My sister, Jeanie. If I… if something happens to me, I want Jeanie to take care of my child. He’ll be safer on Earth than anywhere else.” That’s a scary thought.

“Did… did you tell her…”

Meredith cut him off, “No. I wrote two letters. One from ‘A Mother’ and one from me, explaining things a little bit.” I’m not stupid, Sheppard. I know what my sister can handle.

“Oh,” Sheppard said, picking up the papers gently.

“And Sheppard,” Meredith said, her arm disappearing back under the cover, “I didn’t mean what I said earlier. I’m starting to remember more, and I know how hard it was for you not to kill Kolya when you had the chance. Thank you.” I- I don’t know what I’d do if he had killed Kolya. As much as I remember… even now, I still love him.

Sheppard cleared his throat, unable to respond.

“I really do love him,” Meredith said softly, “And, no matter what happens, I don’t regret it.” Not that you’ll understand that. But maybe you can accept it. I-I really hope you can. I have a feeling that Rodney and I will need all the help we can get.

Sheppard was silent a long time before responding, “Neither does he.”